Counterdependency

[sfgirl]

Codependency is talked about a lot in recovery circles. While there were always certain traits on those lists that I identified with, I also always felt that I was the exact opposite of a codependent— independent to a fault. However, I always felt that this had its own tragedies. While being addicted to people and love and whatever else is one side of the coin, thinking you can do everything on your own and not being able to trust anyone is another side. Recovery has taken down some of those major walls but not all of them. Today I just read a new term which I have decided quite aptly applies to me— counterdependent. Unfortunately, the amount of literature doesn't exist for this "condition" like it does codependency. There is one book I found and I ordered it on Amazon. It has an extended preview on Google books.

The Flight from Intimacy: Healing ... - Google Books

So here is something from the book:

Have you ever done these things?

-Attempted to hie normal fears, anxieties, or insecurities from others
-Felt the inability to identify and/or express important feelings
-Attempted to always "look good" and always be "right"
-Felt a lack of trust in other people's motives
-Felt victimized by the actions of others
-Felt anxious in close, intimate relationships
-Been reluctant to ask for help from others when needed
-Preferred to work alone
-Been in constant fear of making a mistake
-Had low tolerance for frustration, marked by temper tantrums or fits of anger when frustrated
-Been unable to relax and had a constant need to be engaged in work or activity
-Felt afraid of being smothered or controlled by the needs of others
-Tended to sexualize all nurturing touch
-Been addicted to work, sex, activity, or exercise

Basically I am or have been all those things. The low tolerance thing has gotten better in recovery. And I no longer need to be constantly engaged in doing things. However, all the things that have to do with relationships and intimacy are still issues. So I guess I am just wondering if other people have had these "I am an island" problems and have managed to get through them?

[kurtrambis]

Originally Posted by sfgirl

Codependency is talked about a lot in recovery circles. While there were always certain traits on those lists that I identified with, I also always felt that I was the exact opposite of a codependent— independent to a fault. However, I always felt that this had its own tragedies. While being addicted to people and love and whatever else is one side of the coin, thinking you can do everything on your own and not being able to trust anyone is another side. Recovery has taken down some of those major walls but not all of them. Today I just read a new term which I have decided quite aptly applies to me— counterdependent. Unfortunately, the amount of literature doesn't exist for this "condition" like it does codependency. There is one book I found and I ordered it on Amazon. It has an extended preview on Google books.

The Flight from Intimacy: Healing ... - Google Books

So here is something from the book:



Basically I am or have been all those things. The low tolerance thing has gotten better in recovery. And I no longer need to be constantly engaged in doing things. However, all the things that have to do with relationships and intimacy are still issues. So I guess I am just wondering if other people have had these "I am an island" problems and have managed to get through them?

Yeah so have I and so I bet has everybody, its called being human! lol. Think only a properly devised personality test can determine whether you are an extreme to everybody else.

[exzim]

I have struggled with this for years Sfgirl. I have read many books that have helped - an old one - The Dance of Intimacy I found good too. Good luck - let me know how it goes.

Maggie

[joedris]

Sf girl, The stuff you point out here is a classic description of the alcoholic mind/personality. These are the things that keep us from sobriety, particularly the thought that we can solve all our problems by ourselves. When I was drinking I was the poster boy for Simon and Garfunkles "I Am A Rock." Sort of the rock of Gibralter of alcoholic thinking. I found that I had built a stone wall around me to keep the world away. Tearing down that wall was a long hard process, but I did it. I'm still working on some of the other issues and probably will be forever. As Kurtrambis said, we're only human.

[box3]

Interesting post, thanks sfgirl. I certainly have counterdependency traits. I'm working on accepting intimacy (along with sobriety), I've been emotionally shut down for too long. I've just started this process with a psychologist, so it's all very new to me and I'm not equipped to offer advice (just empathy).

The literature you linked to says that childhood abuse is a factor in counterdependency, just as neglect is a factor in codependency. This leads me to wonder whether co and counterdependency are related to attachment disorders as many of the behaviours and attitudes are similar.

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by joedris

...These are the things that keep us from sobriety, particularly the thought that we can solve all our problems by ourselves. When I was drinking I was the poster boy for Simon and Garfunkles "I Am A Rock." Sort of the rock of Gibralter of alcoholic thinking...

The ISM of alcohol-ism begins and ends with delusional thinking. As described by Albert Einstein:

"A human being is a part of a whole, called by us _universe_, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."

[tammy711]

As long as an alcoholic thinks them self "an island" they will likely return to drinking. Your subconscious (and maybe even the conscious) is basically telling you that you might need to give up drinking for a little while, but you are tough, you can handle anything - even moderate/social drinking. You don't need to quit forever and you don't need anyone telling you that you have to - you'll live life as you understand it. Other people just don't really understand you "the real you".


Usually because you spend so much time protecting feelings that have been so buried nobody -not even you- can find them any longer. That way nobody will ever know you - just the way an island likes it.

Challenge Islands: Stay sober for 2 - 3 years - face everything for that length of time sober. Allow yourself to be human. Feel and deal with everything - and always know someone is there to help - sometimes you don't even have to ask.