What am I?

[flipfloplover]

Hi!

I was wondering if someone can tell me what I am in terms of recovery/sobriety?

I did drugs and drank heavily for 13 years. I was a hot mess. Then in 2005 I get sick with a medical condition and I am forced to lay in bed and cold turkey everything. Because I was so sick, I was not allowed to leave my bed..or my house...and my doctors would not let me drink! So I stopped going to bars, ditched my addict friends, and got a degree in counseling to be an addictions counselor. And I was so proud of myself for being sober.

But here is 4 years later, and I am starting to feel a lot better and I think my doctors will let me drink again. And this may sound pathetic- but I'm questioning why I am sober. I got sick at the age of 25 and I was forced to stop using. I did not choose to stop. And I never went to rehab, counseling or any 12 step programs.

So Have I really been sober for 4 years? Or was this just situational recovery? Or abstinence? Or am I a dry drunk? I keep telling people I will be sober 4 years on labor day...but have I really?

[Bamboozle]

If you didn't drink you've been sober for 4 years.

No matter how it happened that's quite an accomplishment. Congratulations!


You can choose to stay sober.

[flipfloplover]

Thanks and thanks for the info!!

[Pelican]

Originally Posted by flipfloplover

I was a hot mess.

Are you a hot mess without alcohol and drugs? Do you treat others with respect? Are you open, honest and forthright with your feelings? Are you accepting of others feelings?

If you answered no to being a hot mess and yes to the other questions, imho, you are not a dry drunk.

If you obtained a degree in counseling and work in addiction's then you are familiar with learning new behaviors to cope with life on life's terms. There are many places to learn these skills besides AA.

Congratulations on your sober time! People do get sober for medical reasons. The fact that you have chosen to remain sober means that you want to live the rest of your life without the "hot mess" of alcoholism.

Congratulations!

[MycoolFitz]

You can choose for yourself, what you are is free. Has sobriety been a burden or a hardship? If you are an alcoholic and I have no way of knowing, if you pick back up you'll be right back where you were before stopping or worse in just a matter of days or weeks, its the nature of the beast. You didn't choose sobriety it choose you. You may be wise not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Whatever you decide all my best to you.

[flipfloplover]

Hi Pelican!

No, Im not a hot mess when I'm sober! And yes to everything else!

I obtained a masters in counseling and i am working on an addictions certificate. I havent worked in the field yet as I still need to intern. But my classes taught me so much about myself. I want to photocopy the material in the books and hand it to my old addict friends.

I guess I did choose to get sober. I mean I do leave my house. Could have easily went to the bar instead of sitting home on a friday night reading. I bartended for years...my friends all hang out there...I just choose to stay away.

And thanks for the congrats!

[flipfloplover]

Originally Posted by MycoolFitz

You can choose for yourself, what you are is free. Has sobriety been a burden or a hardship? If you are an alcoholic and I have no way of knowing, if you pick back up you'll be right back where you were before stopping or worse in just a matter of days or weeks, its the nature of the beast. You didn't choose sobriety it choose you. You may be wise not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Whatever you decide all my best to you.

Mycoolfitz-

Has sobriety been a burden? Hmm...well i feel life is so boring when you are sober. I feel like I am missing out on fun. I dont ever want to do anything "sober" because I never did anything sober. However, my life was a mess when i was drinking. And now it is not.

Was I an alcoholic? That's another good question because I dont know. I never had the typical shakes, I never had to wake up and drink, and I could go a day or two without drinking. However by the age of 25, I could out drink seasoned alcoholics under the table, I was always blacking out, missing work, in debt, driving drunk, i could not have one drink because that would lead to 20, and I was popping Xanax and doing lines of cocaine all day, every day.

I have a sick thought in my head if I started drinking again I could just have one or two and I could control it. Ironically, if someone gave me a Xanax, I know I would be abusing them within a week.

Everyone tells me my medical condition- although its horrible and will eventually kill me- really did save my life. I know it did get me out of addiction....I honestly think I'm just going thru a bunch of stuff right now and think drinking again will make it all go away. When I know it may probably make it a lot worse.

[MycoolFitz]

Hey brother welcome to the field. I was a licensed addiction counselor but I gave it up because I was active. Wish you the best with your certificate.

[flipfloplover]

Mycoolfitz!

Thanks! But it's "hey sister" because I'm a female

I heard alot of addiction counselors are former addicts. Is this true? And do u reveal ur history of addiction in job interviews because of all teh personal knowledge?

[killingmesmalls]

Most people that go into addiction counseling were addicts themselves at one point, or their lives were impacted by an addict. I don't know if I would be comfortable talking to a professional who hadn't been there. It gives you some street credit I think.

Being that you were confined in your house for years because of your medical condition, it is no wonder that your old life looks like an appealing alternative now that you have the opportunity to get out. Honestly it sounds like prison (not that I have ever been there) but a lot of inmates that get released go right back to the life they knew on the outside which eventually leads them back to jail/prison. It's easy to go back to what you knew, and it can seem hard to try something new.

There is so much in life to experience, I myself feel like I have wasted so many years. So now I am in recovery and trying to quit drinking. But I don't want it to just be about what I quit, I need it to be about what I now want to start. What I haven't had the patience or guts to do before. Here's my partial list -

Learn After Effects
Create a piece of art that is more than just a pretty picture
Serve a 10 course meal that is actually good
Grow my own food
Raise a dog
Watch my daughter get her first belt in jujitsu
Make a mocumentary
Get all my old friends who are scattered together for one weekend
Make love to my husband in a public place
Go camping in YellowStone
Get over my fear of seaweed
Get over my insecurities
Not drink for 30 days
I hope to scratch this last one off the list first and replace it with 60, 90 and on and on

[MycoolFitz]

Oops, sorry. Depends on the situation regarding time and stability sober. Your years should count, my months don't. I'm thinking if you're thinking of picking up again given your history you might want to rethink your career choice, ethics and pracicality come into play. The closest I get now until some years sober is teaching a prevention course at the university here. There are lots of alcoholics/addicts in the profession, not all of them clean and sober unfortunately. Lots in the helping field overall, doctors, nurses, counselors, on and on. Recovered and healthy they can be a real plus, not so the ought not be active in the field. I couldn't do it any longer and live with myself. We all make our own choices. Hey I'm alive, I do my best, I've got no complaints or regrets, it is what it is, I move on, older and hopefully wiser.

[flipfloplover]

Killingmesmalls-

U are so correct that this has felt like jail! I think about this all of the time! Yea I can leave my house...but not being allowed to work and fully function is driving me insane. That's why I sit around and wish for me former "fun" life...but in reality, how much fun was it really?

I also made a list of a goals to obtain. I know we are suppose to concentrate on today, but if I do not make long range goals, then today will be a mess because I will have no direction. And when I lose direction in life, I turn back to drinking and become a hot mess again.

[flipfloplover]

Mycoolfitz-

I appreciate the info! You gave me a better prospective than any of my professors have!

Here's my thing- I think "How can I tell clients to live sober when I do not think sobriety is a great thing?" This mentality comes from my immaturity, the fact that I am not fully recovered, and from the fact that a lot of people I know are still drinking and doing drugs. I DO KNOW that drugs and alcohol are bad, and that one is so much better of in recovery and achieving sobriety. My whole issue is telling this to my cravings and my addict train of thought.

I also looked into the teaching route. With all of my addictions knowledge, maybe I could teach fundamental substance abuse courses. I also have a degree in Human Services, so I'm not locked into just counseling. I could probably get a job as a college substance abuse coordinator as well.

Right now I'm on track to be a licensed professional counselor and to start a Phd program in COunselor Education. But I'm seriously considering haulting all of this until I get my act together and fully see the light.

[joedris]

You seem to have a real dilimma here. To drink or not, to pursue your current path towards a PhD, to begin a career as a substance counselor, and all that makes for some heady thinking. Let's start with the drinking. You've been sober for four years but you seem to question this sobriety since you were forced into it. Let me say that four years sober is four years sober. But sobriety is a funny thing. What you have is physical sobriety - you don't drink. What you're missing is the other (and more important in my opinion) component. And I think that you realize something's missing. I'll put a name on it for you. It's called emotional sobriety.

I'm really impressed by what you've accomplished so far in life. But it's especially significant that you realize something's missing, and it really isn't the drinking, is it? You could always find out if alcohol is the missing link and that's to start drinking again. But from experience let me warn you that that isn't a very good idea. That is, unless you want to throw away everything you've achieved so far.

So if emotional sobriety is the solution to all your problems, and I kinda think it is, then how do you go about getting some of this stuff? I got mine through the program of AA. Walking through the doors of AA after 4 years of not drinking may seem a bit weird, but it really isn't. I've known several people who've joined well after they stopped drinking. But this is only my suggestion based on my experience. Others here may have different ideas and by all means you should listen to everyone. And don't give up on the substance abuse counseling idea. With what you've undergone and what you've accomplished, you'll make a great counselor. You just need to polish up that emotional stuff.

[flipfloplover]

Joedris!

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement!

You are 100% correct. I do not have emotional sobriety. I have physical sobriety. My body is 100% detoxed from all the junk I pumped into it. And i'm pretty sure my brain has somewhat recovered from the addiction, as my memory has come back.

Emotionally I am not recovered at all. I think all the drama and stuff I avoided in my substance abuse and over the last 4 years is all coming to a head right now and I really cant handle it. I started drinking in 7th grade and everytime something bad happened I would just drink, smoke, or snort my problems away. So now I want to drink to avoid all of this stuff swarming in my head. And I want to shout "WHY CANT I JUST BE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON AND BE ABLE TO HAVE ONE DRINK AND CONTROL IT?"

I was thinking about NA or AA. But I'm afraid to go...because I am going to just start crying and not be able to stop. My family and friends are oblivious to what I was really doing all of those years. They knew I would be out all night with my friends. But when I tell them I'm an addict they scream "Dont say that ur not an addict. Lets just have a beer and talk." They dont realize that one drink could literally throw everything I've worked for right out the window.

[Cubile75]

Originally Posted by flipfloplover

So now I want to drink to avoid all of this stuff swarming in my head. And I want to shout "WHY CANT I JUST BE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON AND BE ABLE TO HAVE ONE DRINK AND CONTROL IT?"

I was thinking about NA or AA. But I'm afraid to go...because I am going to just start crying and not be able to stop.

Maybe that's precisely what you need to do.

You have many questions, even after your formal education and four years of not drinking or using.... Some of your questions have no answer... some do, but they are within yourself and not in a book or on a website. There is a spiritual solution to your problems and if you are willing to seek that solution, you will find it.

I hear intellectual maturity in what you have posted. But not emotional maturity. You said so yourself, so I hope you don't take offense. Maybe crying is the first step for you.

If you haven't been to AA, you really owe it to yourself. Go to a few, go to some different meetings... After 4 years, a few meetings is a drop in the bucket, time wise....

Mark

[joedris]

Cubile speaks true. Letting all that pent up stuff out would be good for you. And believe me, you not the first to break down at a meeting. Just go, meet people, make sure they know you're a newcomer, get some phone numbers, ask someone to be a temporary sponsor, and be sure to buy a Big Book. And if the people at the first meeting turn you off (that does happen), then try another meeting. Try a Women's Meeting if that would let you feel more comfortable. And good luck! Let us know how it went, ok?

[flipfloplover]

Hi Cubile75!

You are so right! And i am by no way offended. I kept thinking "If I am sober, then why don't I feel sober?" That's why I posted the thread with the title "What am I?"

Im sitting here reading about group therapy for substance abusers for school (weird, right?) and I see a pattern of growth and change among the clients as they progress within the group. I may have cold turkeyed everything- but by no way did I explore my self and the past. So while I have grown over the years and I can now say no to drugs and alcohol, basically i think i have emotionally stayed the same. I'm an addict trying to google what is going on inside me and then use it to give myself therapy. Obviously this isn't working!

Thanks so much for the insight. I can honestly say I need a 12 step group and some therapy.

[flipfloplover]

Thank you for all of the information, Joedris. It may have only taken u 2 minutes to answer my post, but you realistically may have just changed my life.

Can I ask- should I go to AA or NA? I'm quite the drinker....but I was heavily using cocaine for 10 years also.

[Cubile75]

I prefer AA. Pills were part of my experience, but AA is where I need to be. I guess you should try both. They are different.

Mark

[flipfloplover]

Cubile75-

ok, thanks. I live in a small little town so I need to hunt for these meetings in surrounding communities.

[Learn2Live]

Hi FlipFlop. It sounds like you got clean and sober without entering Recovery. That's okay, we all start wherever we start, learn at our own pace, and hopefully "keep on keepin' on." Each piece of Recovery is like a giant horse pill. You swallow only as much truth as you are able to swallow when you are able to swallow it.

Each person has to address their own first things, first. Sometimes people get sober but are not ever able to move on from there because they don't have the ability to move into other parts of Recovery. For instance, a "tough" guy maybe is able to get sober but does not ever feel he is able to look at his feelings.

So, everyone's Recovery is different. For me, it was like this:
1. Get clean and sober. Worked the program the best I was able (A.A. and Al-Anon at same time).
2. Take care of the extreme emotional issues I had ignored and was now faced with.
3. Pursue some things that interest me (I took some art, music, and dance classes at community college for a year-because those things interested me). Started thinking about my future.
(Numbers 1-3 spanned 2 years)
4. Acted on the future I wanted. Went to college, got a bachelor's degree. Got an opportunity to get a master's degree too. Did that. (Number 4 spanned 4.5 years).
5. Researched and pursued the job I wanted at same time as number 4. So, went to college fulltime and worked fulltime. Graduated.
6. Got a NEW job with benefits that someone much smarter than me suggested I get. Been there a total of 6.5 years.
7. After 2 years on the job, discovered I had MORE emotional issues to deal with. Went to doctor to deal with that. Got medicated. (Cooooooool. So this is what NORMAL people feel like!)
8. On the job, discovered I had cognitive and mood problems. Again, went to doctor, addressed these problems. (Life is so much easier on the right meds.) Realized I had anger issues and am abusive towards others in certain situations. Started learning about and addressing my anger.
9. Started working Steps 2 and 3 (the spiritual part of A.A. that I NEVER got the first time around).

So see? Maybe someone else when they entered Recovery, was able to go right from Step 1 to Steps 2 and 3. Whereas it took me over ten years to really work those issues.

For me it's all about self-reflection, always moving forward, NEVER turning back, keeping my eyes straight ahead of me, and trying to address my issues as I become aware of them.

It sounds to me like you are ready to try 12-Steps. You will be completely surprised what you can learn about yourself in those rooms. As long as you care about what others share, and allow yourself to look within.

Hang tough. Never look back.

[truthhurts]

Flipflop, have you ever attended any kind of 12-step meeting at all?

I've attended open AA and NA meetings with my ex-ABF, as well as several friends of mine who have been in the program for years. I can honestly say that, even as someone without addiction issues, I have ALWAYS gotten something good from these meetings. Something thought-worthy, something to make me realize how much I have to be grateful for. I honestly believe that everyone should attend a few AA/NA meetings in their lives...there's a lot of experience and wisdom there, a lot of life in those rooms.

The fact that you say you're afraid to go because you would just start crying and wouldn't be able to stop....well, I think that is precisely the reason you SHOULD be going! The people in those rooms have done it and seen it all....they would never think less of you, and you would definitely find lots of support there.

Plus you might make some friendships with people who don't feel they need to drink/drug to have a good time, as you also mentioned that your friends are always wanting to drink in social situations. The people I've hung out with in AA/NA REALLY know how to have fun!

[flipfloplover]

Hi Learn2live!

Thanks for the insightful info. I think u are so correct. I've always been a "tough girl" and never really sat down and looked at my feelings. I mean, how could I when I was always so drunk that I couldn't feel anything. So as far as feelings went- the only thing I've felt all of those years I was out partying was shame or embarrassment because I did stupid stuff the night before. However, when the hangover wore off, I would just grab my purse to and head back to the bar, and magically all of those feelings would go away.

You have accomplished so much within ur recovery! Congrats to that! My family and friends flipped out today when I told them I wanted to go to AA. They said "You got a bachelors degree when you were drinking. How could you be an alcoholic?' Well, the truth is my grades were so dismal that no one would hire me after so I had to work at a bar! Then I hear "You've stayed sober for 4 years and got a Masters degree. This proves that you were just young and have outgrown ur partying and ur not a drug addict." Honestly, does it really?

So now I'm stuck. I really have no family and the ones I have still drink and smoke pot. I stopped talking to all of my addict freinds. And the few friends I have left still go out drinking. I then told my family that if I keep going to school, I'm going to eventually have to face thearpists to assess my stability and their bound to send me to some form of treatment anyway because I am in no way capable of professionally handling other peoples right now. So they told me to drop out of school and with their connections they will find me a job where I can still go out and drink and not have to worry about talking to therapists and counselors.

So can someone help me figure out how to handle this situation?

[flipfloplover]

HI Truthhurts!

I've never been to a 12 step meeting, rehab, a counselor, or anything. I was mandated to see a pschologist 3 years ago because of my medical condition (he needed to see if I needed to stay on the Xanax my dr had prescribed me years ago). Well we had one, one hour chat and he told me that i had no issues, I was perfectly fine, and that I was not a candidate for therapy! I even told him about my past substance abuse stuff and he blew it off to being "young" and "curious".

I dated a guy once who was in AA. But he was still using heroin and sleeping with all the girls he met in AA behind my back.

I also dated a guy who goes to NA. He said they saved his life.