My wife is mean! She says it's all my fault!

[bike4life]

This rocky marriage has gone from bad to worse since I started AA.

My wife is all on the blame game for her own failures, depression. She's got a lot of boiling anger in herself to the point of ridiculous! This has led me to go back to drinking. In a turnabout she then blames me for drinking. I wasn't bad but I wasn't great either and I just liked my escape from a rocky marriage that started about 3 1/2 years ago.

Then she started going to Al Anon which I thought she must be serious about it. So, I started going to AA fellowship, read self-help books, and working on the 12 steps which helps me see hope.

And now, she blames me going to AA! Say what!? Yes, this absurd! She doesn't even remember our first 8 good years of our relationship. Just when she started going to Al Anon so she could learn to deal with me, only then to get angry just because I'm about ready to quit drinking (crossing my finger at this very minute for another minute here). I'm so sick her her telling me "your job affects me...it affects me...your drinking affect me...oh Al Anon told me that you were going to blame me". So, I ask her just as her counselor did, "So, what do you want"...only to respond with blank stares and a shrug on her shoulder.

She is already on her Rx and has two counselors and it's not working! It's been about 2 years since she hit rock button and has yet to improve. No matter what I say, at the slight opinion or better-than-her idea, she is so quick in judgment and blames me again for suppressing her thoughts. This isn't healthy for my recovery.

I want a divorce.



Howard

[suki44883]

So, what's stopping you?

[bike4life]

I realized that I resented myself...

4 kids is the reason why I do all I can to tolerate it. My wife is NO sponsor of anything except the wrong stuff. Don't get me wrong, I was calm and open-minded when we talked. But later, as that recording kept going through my mind over and over built up my resentment and frustration.

Moving out to live alone isn't a good idea, either. However, I'll try to see if I can move out and live with a roommate in and around Houston until I recover. Suggestions are welcome my fellows.

Now, I have to start all over again.

[Cubile75]

I am a little confused... she's angry that you are about to quit drinking?

She's probably scared... even if your marriage was rocky, it was, probably somewhat stable... predictable... even if it wasn't her idea of a perfect relationship. And if you were in the bottle, she was OK to keep going in whatever dysfunction she was in...

Change is scary... Al-anon probably opened her eyes to some of the changes ahead... and things are not gonna be status quo for a while...

Fear turned inward is depression.... Turned outward it is anger.

Perhaps it's time to get started... don't drink, go to meetings, work the steps, pray. Work on YOUR recovery, you can only clean your side of the street. You can't clean hers...

Let God begin to restore YOU to sanity. Your wife can begin her journey when she is ready.

Mark

[bike4life]

Great comments, Mark. You'll make a great sponsor for me :-)

While I release my selfishness, I'll search for a middle ground (or maybe better none) in focusing just on my own peace and do all I can to absorb in her hurt and fear. Pass it through to God. Let it go.

Yes, she may be angry that I'm on my way to recovery. Her time will have to be on her own as I try take care of myself and the children, too.

In His Name,

Howard

Originally Posted by Cubile75

I am a little confused... she's angry that you are about to quit drinking?

She's probably scared... even if your marriage was rocky, it was, probably somewhat stable... predictable... even if it wasn't her idea of a perfect relationship. And if you were in the bottle, she was OK to keep going in whatever dysfunction she was in...

Change is scary... Al-anon probably opened her eyes to some of the changes ahead... and things are not gonna be status quo for a while...

Fear turned inward is depression.... Turned outward it is anger.

Perhaps it's time to get started... don't drink, go to meetings, work the steps, pray. Work on YOUR recovery, you can only clean your side of the street. You can't clean hers...

Let God begin to restore YOU to sanity. Your wife can begin her journey when she is ready.

Mark

[Cubile75]

Angry, possibly because she is afraid...

Of all the things that I found difficult in early sobriety (which I am still sort of in... 7 months...) was the codependency thing. I found the Friends and Family section very helpful. Perhaps you can get some different insight if you post over there... Also, the Big Book of AA has a section to the wives and the family afterwards... Even if you are not interested in AA as a program.... I HIGHLY recommend reading at least those two chapters... You can get a Big Book at meetings, the library, Barnes and Noble... It's title is simply "Alcoholics Anonymous"

Weather is getting good in these parts... lookin' to do a long ride this weekend. It was good last weekend too. You ridin' much?

Mark

[keithj]

bikeforlife,

You may view this as harsh, but try to see it for how it is intended; as an asset to your recovery.

Do you want to b*tch about your wife or do you want to recover?

AA's Big Book says we can get sober no matter what. Wife or no wife, job or no job. Is that what you really want? If so, the complaints about others only distracts you. You stated that her blaming you led you back to drinking. Who's blaming who here?

Originally Posted by bike4life

Yes, she may be angry that I'm on my way to recovery.

On your way to recovery and recovered are very different things. One requires action on your part and one requires justification about why you are right.

"Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings that the process required for its successful consumation."

[51anna]

Hi,

It sounds like you and your wife are blaming each other for the problems you have.

You really should focus on yourself and your recovery. There is little you can do to change how your wife deals with her issues or how she feels.

Take care of yourself.

[littlefish]

My husband is having a lot of problems with my sobriety. It's because we had patterns in our behavior that he became accustomed to.

It's like what they say about kids: even negative attention from the parent is desirable because it is some kind of attention.
We only gave each other negativity. Now I've withdrawn the negativity and that has made him insecure. Why(?), well, it was the only thing he got from me. So now he is confused.

Please understand it is hard for us to get sober but it is also hard for the people around us to adjust to our sobriety.

We become different people and that can be frightening to our partners and our family.

Essentially, despite being drunk they could count on us for being that same old drunk. Now we are not reliable that way....

give her a chance. She is going on a journey too.

[kj3880]

Maybe she's angry that you haven't quit drinking yet. Maybe she's tired of hearing you talk about recovery instead of working it.

You need a real sponsor, a face-to-face one that will call you on your sh!t. And when we first come in the rooms of AA we have a lot of sh!t with us. You are no exception, my friend. We addicts/alkies are no picnic to be married to.

If you are able to quit drinking for a few weeks or so and work through your fourth step, you'll be able to see this all more clearly, and with the help of your new relationship with your higher power and your sponsor, you will be able to see what you're supposed to do. Don't try to figure it out today.

How many meetings are you going to each week? Have you got a sponsor or a network yet? Keep coming back, more will be revealed.

Love,
KJ

[TTOSBT]

Originally Posted by bike4life

This rocky marriage has gone from bad to worse since I started AA.

My wife is all on the blame game for her own failures, depression. She's got a lot of boiling anger in herself to the point of ridiculous! This has led me to go back to drinking. In a turnabout she then blames me for drinking. I wasn't bad but I wasn't great either and I just liked my escape from a rocky marriage that started about 3 1/2 years ago.

Then she started going to Al Anon which I thought she must be serious about it. So, I started going to AA fellowship, read self-help books, and working on the 12 steps which helps me see hope.

And now, she blames me going to AA! Say what!? Yes, this absurd! She doesn't even remember our first 8 good years of our relationship. Just when she started going to Al Anon so she could learn to deal with me, only then to get angry just because I'm about ready to quit drinking (crossing my finger at this very minute for another minute here). I'm so sick her her telling me "your job affects me...it affects me...your drinking affect me...oh Al Anon told me that you were going to blame me". So, I ask her just as her counselor did, "So, what do you want"...only to respond with blank stares and a shrug on her shoulder.

She is already on her Rx and has two counselors and it's not working! It's been about 2 years since she hit rock button and has yet to improve. No matter what I say, at the slight opinion or better-than-her idea, she is so quick in judgment and blames me again for suppressing her thoughts. This isn't healthy for my recovery.

I want a divorce.



Howard

Howard,
IMO, you need to focus on recovery. The fact that you can still blame her for YOUR drinking tells me that you are MUCH more focused on her and her problems, than your own.
Please quit drinking, get involved in AA, get a sponsor and work your steps and you will find that no person, place or situation is ever responsible for us deciding to pick up that drink. That is on us!

[sarahmills]

You need to concentrate first on your recovery bro so that you'll never have to drink again. You also need to extend your patience on your wife if you really love her. Be understanding and get her out of that darkness because there is still hope. The two of you will eventually be happy again.

[vegibean]

I totally agree with TTOSBT. What I wanted to say as well.

When you are going through the process some people will embrace the new you and you'll get tons of pats on the back, it'll feel great!

I feel a relationship can really take the focus off what the recovering person needs to be doing. For both people there can be a lot of conflict. For me I know looking back that this journey is one that I needed to do completely alone but with the help and support of others in the program that have "been there, done that".

When I started this journey I couldn't understand the no relationships thing. I totally get it now though. I thought "what about the support of my loved ones?" Oh no!! I learned that the focus truly needed to be on me. I was grateful for that!! For once I got to put me first.

I'm gaining on two years and in that time I have done all that I have heard in the rooms and the treatment center which I stayed at for quite a while and I stayed focused on what I need to do for me. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly........but what I do for me keeps me sober. It keeps ME mentally and emotionally healthy.

Howard, I was married for 8 years to a man who has many issues of his own. I tried getting sober while we were married and I looked around and everything was the same. He served me with divorce papers and it was the best thing that happened to me. At a very small and low level I still have to "deal" with him because we have a son together, however I don't live with him any more and the things that he would do that "caused me to drink" are not under the same roof as me any more. WHAT A BLESSING!!!!!!!!!

I know, for me, that when it comes to my sobriety that it needs to be THAT first and then I can handle the situations around me calmly, one at a time, one day at a time. A lot of work, it can be done and is so totally worth it!!

[FunnyOne]

From the perspective of the wife of a newly recovering, I can say that the hardest thing for me to hear wa that he needed to focus on him and him alone (be extremely selfish) in recovery and recovery comes before all else. So did drinking. What's new....your needs before the family once again?

He also feels so proud of being in recovery. I give him alot of credit for that. But there were alot of years he stuffed his feelings and pawned responsibility off on anyone else who would take it. Now he is proud of fixing his mistake, but can't understand why he isn't being thrown a parade.....So the rest of us who dealt with life and practiced emotional maturity and responsibility and accountability for years should thereby be "not proud?"

Sorry, lots of resentment about this issue today. Just thought you might be interested in where some of her anger issues may lie.

[SugarScars]

Originally Posted by FunnyOne

From the perspective of the wife of a newly recovering, I can say that the hardest thing for me to hear wa that he needed to focus on him and him alone (be extremely selfish) in recovery and recovery comes before all else. So did drinking. What's new....your needs before the family once again?

He also feels so proud of being in recovery. I give him alot of credit for that. But there were alot of years he stuffed his feelings and pawned responsibility off on anyone else who would take it. Now he is proud of fixing his mistake, but can't understand why he isn't being thrown a parade.....So the rest of us who dealt with life and practiced emotional maturity and responsibility and accountability for years should thereby be "not proud?"

Sorry, lots of resentment about this issue today. Just thought you might be interested in where some of her anger issues may lie.

FunnyOne, although I am an addict and not a codependent (at least I haven't been for any significant length of time), I can understand what you mean. I see people in the rooms who still have a lot of work to do, but they have been clean for over a decade. People who behave and think as you describe. It is frustrating. I wonder if they will ever really change.

I believe that most addicts, when sober/clean and working an honest program, drastically change for the better. This is my opinion, formed through observation of other addicts. According to all of my colleagues, friends and family members, I am one of these addicts. My attitudes and actions have shifted positively and significantly over the past year. I do not say this proudly, just as a matter of fact. I am one of the majority. Big whoop. I am doing what I should have been doing the entire time. I've wasted years of my life and I am just now catching up. Before, I was far behind everyone else.

However, every so often I see an addict who does not seem to have done much changing. They are every bit as immature, egotistical, selfish, irritating and self-centered as someone who is still behind the crowd, in active addiction.

I just avoid these people. They have nothing to offer me and I am not interested in spending my time, energy or thoughts on them.

I'm sure that your significant other is not one of these extreme cases. Nonetheless, I just wanted to share that I can relate to your feelings. This has been an observation of mine and I thank you for giving me the opportunity to share it with you.

Blessings,
Sugar

[TTOSBT]

Well said FunnyOne!
I am the alcoholic but I feel VERY strongly that my family not pay anymore for my alcoholism. My sponsor supported me finding balance from the very beginning. She encouraged me to stay home as much as I was out and spend that time focused on my family. So from the get go I think that my family has benefited from my sobriety. I am proud of that. It is VITAL to my recovery. I do attend on average, 3 meetings a week, and I work the steps every day and etc. But I want to make a living amends to my family every day.

And SS, yup. I have seen those same people. It makes me a little sad but for the most part, they are just not a part of my day to day recovery. I am sorry FO, I just do not see that as recovery.

biker4life, I hope that you are working on your recovery. Check in with us.

[Daisy09]

Originally Posted by FunnyOne

From the perspective of the wife of a newly recovering, I can say that the hardest thing for me to hear wa that he needed to focus on him and him alone (be extremely selfish) in recovery and recovery comes before all else. So did drinking. What's new....your needs before the family once again?

He also feels so proud of being in recovery. I give him alot of credit for that. But there were alot of years he stuffed his feelings and pawned responsibility off on anyone else who would take it. Now he is proud of fixing his mistake, but can't understand why he isn't being thrown a parade.....So the rest of us who dealt with life and practiced emotional maturity and responsibility and accountability for years should thereby be "not proud?"

Sorry, lots of resentment about this issue today. Just thought you might be interested in where some of her anger issues may lie.

Ditto

[sicntired]

If your wife is being antagonistic to you, and you've tried to handle her appropriately, then it's time to disconnect from that situation. You are the only one who controls you, NOT HER!

[smacked]

The original poster disappeared a long time back..

[littlefish]

I was going to say the same thing smacked, but I think the dialogue and the ideas occasionally live longer than the poster. The discussion takes on a life of it's own, after a while, and maybe the guy who first posted is long gone, but, the rest of us might get something out of the ideas being shared...

[tommyk]

Everyone can learn something from this phrase in the first post:

"She's got a lot of boiling anger in herself to the point of ridiculous! This has led me to go back to drinking."

Right?

[IO Storm]

lol .....

[mistycshore]

Originally Posted by tommyk

Everyone can learn something from this phrase in the first post:

"She's got a lot of boiling anger in herself to the point of ridiculous! This has led me to go back to drinking."

Right?

There was a precedent set for that way of thinking. 1st ed BB page 134:

His wife is one of those persons who really feels there is something rather sinful about these commodities, so she nagged, and her intolerance finally threw him into a fit of anger. He got drunk.

[josie46]

I agree with some of the others. Maybe she is having a hard time with you getting sober. You are changing the steps to the dance......... she does not know the steps.

[sandladyvb]

Thanks for sharing. Who needs to watch TV soap operas or made for TV mini series when you are already living in one. I'm a long,long time Al-Anon member who found your post quite by accident. In all this time (32 years), I have attended at least two Al-Anon meetings a week. For the first ten years of my program, I attended a lot of open A.A. meetings so that I could really understand alcoholism as an illness and hear how or what helped alcoholics to get sober. It didn't take long for me to realize that in terms of craziness and insane behavior, there wasn't any difference between me as the non drinker/family member and my husband, the drinker. We were both dancing around the bottle. And, I really came to believe that it was the grace of God that gets alcoholics sober and that got me into Al-Anon.

As the A.A.s often say, "some are sicker than others." AL-Anon is a relief because we find we are no longer alone and meet people who understand what we have been through. I've lived in four different states and attended Al-Anon meetings all over the U.S.--none of the Al-Anon groups ever suggested that blaming and continuing to blame the alcoholic was an acceptable part of or step in my recovery.

The mantra in Al-Anon is "GET THE FOCUS ON YOURSELF--NOT THE ALCOHOLIC." Some Al-Anon members are not willing or capable of doing this because if they do, it means they have to look at themselves, their own attitudes, and behaviors. It means that we are responsible for ourselves and that it doesn't matter what others around us are doing or thinking. Blaming the alcoholic for all that is wrong is a phase in our recovery that eventually either we learn to let it go, or we stay stuck in OUR YUCK. There is no time table as to when Al-Anon members start to look into the mirror and see only their own image or that when they point their index finger at someone else, three are pointing back at us. There is no pill that I know of that makes an Al-Anon member want to become responsible for him or herself. And if my mind is closed and I don't want to change, nothing can reach me whether it is a therapist or counselor, attending Al-Anon meetings, and/or reading self-help books. It is hard to trust that a Higher Power has a timetable for each of us and it is very hard to accept that the person in my life to whom I should be closest to isn't on the same or parallel path of recovery that I am.

The early wives of A.A. members found that even though their husbands were sober, their marriages weren't doing well and that they, too, needed the principles of the 12 Steps to recover. What I have seen among married program couples is that it comes down to either growing together or growing apart. The A.A. member in recovery is growing and the spouse is left behind because he or she is stuck in a mental rut. Now that the A.A. is sober, it means more change--the spouse may live in fear that the drinking will start again sooner or later or that the spouse is going to so many A.A. meetings to find another mate who "understands me." Whether you are drunk, dry, or sober, your wife can't avoid "change." Sobriety brings a whole new set of circumstances (Al-Anon has a great booklet called "Living with Sobriety - A New Beginning." She may be living in fear, very distrustful and resentful of you, and is not being responsible for herself and her attitudes and actions. I found that drunk or dry, in A.A. or not, an alcoholic is very easy and convenient to blame if I want to avoid myself.

Believe it or not, when the alcoholic is drinking, the non alcoholic has more control. Your behavior is more predictable--Some women become very used to managing everything in the family life. A good example is the check book and credit cards. The alcoholic becomes sober and wants to have adult or partner responsilities. You don't want to be treated or talked to like a child anymore. Plus if you are sober, there is actually a chance of having a conversation that you wil remember--so now what do I, as the nondrinking spouse say? What is there to talk about? Communication is a toughie.

What can you do? Others in your situation that I have seen over the years take care of themselves by going to a lot of meetings, talking with their Sponsors, and working the prinicples of the program. Drinking again won't change your wife's recovery or lack there of in Al-Anon. Plus, we learn in Al-Anon that we can't make anyone drink, stay sober, or cure their alcoholism. But on your side of the fence, a beady-eyed, negative thinking spouse who is going to Al-Anon meetings but not getting anything out of them would be a great excuse.

I feel certain based upon the benefits of the 12 Steps that I have gained over the years and in watching others in A.A. and Al-Anon recover, that you, too will know what to do when your Higher Power gives you the signal. You won't be angry or doing anything in haste. The truth becomes crystal clear.At least now you know how sick the nondrinker is and that alcoholism affects everyone in the family.