How do you stop?

[2oldforthis]

Accidentally came across this site (searching for drug interactions) and I decided anonymous advice might be my best bet. Everyone used to tell me I looked young for my age...till about 6 months ago. I had my first drink when I was 12 (I should say drunk) and it's been pretty much a staple of my life for 33+ years.

My longest stretch of sober was when I was pregnant with my daughter when I was 19. I did, however, go to a bar then a house party on my 20th birthday, while pregnant (5 months) and got royally drunk and vomitted in someone's front yard. (Thank god for that.)

I was always a drinker, but not in an "abusing" way until my daughter left for college. (OK, I mean no one else noticed.) She is my best, and only (how pitiful) friend.

I was abused by my stepfather while my mother knew and did nothing until I was out of the house (kicked out the day after graduation from hs). About 3 months after a suicide attempt which landed me in the ICU for 4 days. Three months later she left him, too little, too late.

All this is complicated by my mother converting to Catholic to Jewish (for said stepfather) and back again. I went to Hebrew school every Sunday for 6 years (in our 100 per cent Catholic neighborhood). Then it was decided that me and my older sister should not have a bat mitsvah(sp?) while our 2 younger half siblings did. Ok, so about 2 years after that marriage, mom converts back, then 10 years later decides to become a catholic nun. (Calling us all to a dinner with the big announcement.)

This is my big, insurmountable problem with AA. Religion to me is all fake, what works for you whenever is what you'll follow. As an infant I was baptized Catholic, raised Jewish, and then told "well, I really always felt this way...you're an adult, choose your religion". Jesus Christ, trhey're all made up! Who has the "one" right way? And after all this, I question the whole concept of God or a "high power".

So to finally come to the point, I haven't spoken to my mother in 19 months. This after she got my husband, my daughter, and my sisters (in secret) to have a pre-intervention meeting. And her entire concern was based on the 2 ( yes 2) times she had seen me that year. You see, not only did she get relgion, she also go sober...I sincerely never knew it but she says she was a closet alcoholic for years.

My husband (of 25 years) could'nt keep the secret for but a few hours. My daughter, with whom I've always had a great relationship - correcting the errors of the past) was hysterical...she told me she didn't want to be there, hated what they (mom + siblings who saw me 1-5 times a year) were saying, and she would never stop talking to me, she loved me more than anything and would never abandon me.

So here I am, 2 AM, on the computer. Having a little drink because I went all day without one. So my question is, how do you stop?

[lizw]

Glad you dropped by, I think we come here for all sorts of reasons.
I been sober (in AA) for nearly 10 years but came on here looking for support and people I could relate to who have and are expereincing illness (long term) in recovery. I live in a small country and there aren't too many people in recovery here that are physically sick.

I believe the first thing I had to decide when I stopped, was did I really want to stop? Or did I just want to be rid of my imediate situation, which was at the time pretty bad. But I did want to stop. I'd really had enough of all the hassels that went along with drinking. Brusies. Treatment. Fights with my family members. Not being able to work. Not being able to care for my then 2 year old daughter. I'd just had enough. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I began stopping by going to heaps of AA meetings and being in constant contact with AA people. They said things like 'there is nothing so bad a drink won't make worse', I really believed this satement too. "Pick up the phone before you pick up a drink.' Which I did.

Some may say I swapped drinking for being addicted to AA, but even that has come to pass too, I try to lead a balance life this days in which AA is a part.

I am glad you are here, regardless of what you decide and I will add you to my friends list.

Keep safe.

[sct]

Hm. A very wise woman with 20 years clean posted a list of aphorisms on another forum I visit. My favorite is simply:

If you want to stop using... you're going to have to stop using.

It all starts with not picking up, no matter what. Steps don't work, if you're too f*cked up to take them. But do whatever it takes to not pick up. Period. Call people, cook, clean, stand on your head- really- whatever it takes.

I view the "Higher Power" as this. My will was only enough to get me addicted. I could not stay clean on my own. I had to have help. My Higher Power is what I look to for help- whatever benevolent and loving force out there which is stronger than I am, and keeps me clean. It can be a meditational exercise one minute- and a group of addicts sharing their experience the next.

[faith08]

2old --- welcome to sr
i don't like the aa approach either--it just doesn't work for me--the religious stuff doesn't bother me.

Who has the "one" right way?

i agree with you. how can anyone say "their God" is any better than any other. i believe there is but one God and man made up the flavors. but i do so firmly believe in Him.
a lot of people here follow aa and just ditch the religion part of it, so that may be your cup of tea too. i know there are plenty of ppl here to talk about that--just read thru the boards, you will find them easily--ppl are wonderful for support here you will find.
if you want to go completely something different than aa... look at a thread at the very top of the alcoholics main thread--there are links to different options.
and also you will find (or at least i have and many others) sober recovery forum is great. it's always here and almost always someone is posting or reading. coming here has been a lifesaver for me.
good luck to you--i'm a binge drinker and have been drinking over 27 years so we do have some similarities in stories.
take care
faith

[Theresa]

I appreciate how painful it is to see your daughter leave home: I think this was the most painful experience I have ever had. It also has made me come to face with my drinking problem.

In a way, I am grateful she did go because I was depending too much on her company, and she must have been aware, at some level, of my need. It is good that they are flying off into their own lives, and we can be proud that we sent them on their way--right?

[quote=sct;1821717]Hm. A very wise woman with 20 years clean posted a list of aphorisms on another forum I visit. My favorite is simply:

If you want to stop using... you're going to have to stop using.

That is really it in a nutshell, isn't it.

One thing I find very helpful is listening to the soothing logic of Eckhardt Tolle. He just makes sense when he talks about how we can get out of our "pain body," which is what he calls the misery we find ourselves in--a misery that we unconsciously maintain.

You can listen to free videos of him on Youtube (just seach Eckhardt Tolle Youtube).

Best
Theresa

[kmsj75]

If the religion thing really bothers you that much, you can always try NA. They don't end their meetings with the Lord's Prayer, and seem to be more accepting of whatever your higher power might be, whether it's God or a door knob.

Like other's have stated: Are you ready to stop? I remember sneaking onto the computer to look up 12-step meetings when my then-husband and 2 small children weren't looking. I was going to go, but then decided I didn't need to/wasn't ready to/could do it alone.

Within 9 months of that I had lost said husband, said children, said home, said everything. I'm not trying to scare you, and it takes what it takes to get you to a point where you are really ready to work hard to stop, but I have always admired those who didn't have to go as far as I did to get recovery (I will have 3 years clean next month.)

Good for you for seeking advice!! I say do yourself a favor and really listen to it! I wish I had...

Best wishes,
K

[sct]

If the religion thing really bothers you that much, you can always try NA. They don't end their meetings with the Lord's Prayer, and seem to be more accepting of whatever your higher power might be, whether it's God or a door knob.

Word. I'm in NA- and that is one of the things I like about it... and I do have a fairly heavy religious background. In general I feel more comfortable knowing that everyone is free to believe what they choose, so long as it keeps them clean.



Seriously... anything of your choosing, if it's more powerful than you and keeps you clean.

[Time2Surrender]

Welcome to SoberRecovery. This is a good place to start.

[Change4life]

2old its not about religion, its about the spirit, heart and soul and the connection of those things to something greater than ourselves. I dont believe God is a physical entity sitting somewhere in heaven, but there is no doubt in my mind that there is surely something out there that created what we know to be life.

Never mind the doctrines taught by religion, its about spirituality. Believing there is some force however you want to think about it or imagine it, that does have the power to help you if you ask and you believe.

Now I want to adresss the true question... How do you stop and honestly I dont know what that exact moment was when I just stopped. Cant remember when I finally said enough. I do know it didnt come over night. First I stopped the drugs and then it took another 3 months or so to stop with the drugs, but it took me years like 37 to get here. Struggled that long till I finally got it.

One thing you really need to work on is some of the past pains your carrying around. you gotta let the past go before you can move forward.

Keep posting and PM me if you ever want or need to talk.

Beth

[nandm]

This is my big, insurmountable problem with AA. Religion to me is all fake, what works for you whenever is what you'll follow. As an infant I was baptized Catholic, raised Jewish, and then told "well, I really always felt this way...you're an adult, choose your religion". Jesus Christ, trhey're all made up! Who has the "one" right way? And after all this, I question the whole concept of God or a "high power".

I can understand your hesitation to try a program you consider to be religious. I too wound not have given AA a try had I believed it to be a religious program. I am fortunate that I did not go into it with any preconcieved ideas. That allowed me to find out for myself what AA really is which is a spiritual program not a religious program. Yes, there is a difference. I do not consider myself religious at all. I was raised strict Southern Baptist but have not participated in that or any other religion in well over 35 years. Here is the best definition of the difference between religion and spirituality that I have come across.

.......Likewise, when I refer to spiritual I do not intend it to be synomymous with religious. Religion is orthodoxy, rules, and historical scriptures maintained by people over long periods of time. Generally, people are born into religions and raised to obey the customs and practices of that religion without question. These are customs and expectations from outside of the person and do not fit my definition of spiritual.

I prefer a definition of spirituality as described in Saint Teresa's and Maharshi's observations. Spirituality is from within, the result of recognition, realization, and reverence. My personal understanding of spiritual practice is that it is a way of making my life work at a higher level and of receiving guidance for handling problems..........Quoted from: There is a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem by Wayne W. Dyer.

[2oldforthis]

I am humbled by your thoughtful advice. Thanks to all. But I don't think that those who have had a religious or spiritual background get where I am coming from. My mother's troubled yet religious upbringing led her to her to declare in her 9th grade biography that her asperation(sp?) was to become a Catholic nun. I believe she was sincere at the time.

She feels her mother "forced" her to go to acting school in NYC at 18. She was fearful, naive, and fell in with the "wrong" crowd. The 'rents had a quicky (Catholic) marraige, followed months later by my big sis. There was a stillborn boy 11 months later and then me. I apparently had you basic baptism at 3 days old, with the appropriate paperwork.

I think I only ever set foot in a chuch with my grandmother (maybe 5-10 times?). My parents divorced when I was 3 months old. We lived with grandma until I was 5. I don't ever remember going to church with my mother.

She married a horrible ******* who happened to be jewish when i was 5. (She converted.) I loved him at first but when he started to hurt us I hated him, but at that age believed what I was being taught in Hebrew School. I started to believe I was jewish. You know, this is the one true faith? But he hated us so, me in particular. He told me my mother wished I had never been born. Over and over again, from about age 8to 18 he called me repulsive, disgusting, a ***** and a ****.

She said he loved me as a "little" girl and couldn't adjust to my puberty.

I'll never forgive her. He spat at me, twisted my arms, called me names, threw my belongings on the street, wrapped his hands around my neck.

I could never answer back, say anything. (His breath was horribe/ his face an inch away.) It would be worse for them if I reacted, reacted at all. So they let this happen to me over and over again.

This was for eating 2 slices of bread, sitting too close to a vent to read, scrapping a chair....you get the picture.

I'm not some rich kid, I always thought we were poor. When I broke the lawnmower blade(doing my chores) he made me give him $250 from my paper route money to buy a new mower. OK, I'm rambling. My jewish stepfather who inspired me to read "The Source" couldn't stand me... I haven't spoken to him in nearly 30 years and have no wish to. (Sorry for the bad grammer, it's late.)

So, mom was briefly mairred to Dad, divorced, married to stepdad, divorced 5? years, begins the process of becoming a Catholic nun. Basically my childhood religious education was at Hebrew school, but apparently, that was all bullshit.

My mother not only destroyed any relationship between us (and that seems ok with her), she robbed be of what she has, of what most people have...something to fall back on.

To me there is no distinction between religious and spiritiual. Because you have to believe in the concept of human spirit for either. And I know for a fact that there is no such thing biologically. The only way to believe in such an unbelievable concept of "spirit" is to be born and raised with it.

I just don't think I'll ever forgive my mother "the nun", for taking that comfort from me,

'

[nandm]

Originally Posted by 2oldforthis

I
To me there is no distinction between religious and spiritiual. Because you have to believe in the concept of human spirit for either. And I know for a fact that there is no such thing biologically. The only way to believe in such an unbelievable concept of "spirit" is to be born and raised with it.


'

I am sorry you have had a bad religious experience. Try growing up in a church with a pedophile father who is a deacon. No one, absolutely no one would believe what was going on and reporting what was going on only made me out to be a bad kid trying to harm my parents and family. So my experience with religion is not one I would consider positive. I still respectfully disagree with your comparision of religion and spirituality as they are two completely different things. But I do realize you have the right to your opinion just as I have the right to mine. Good luck with your attempt to quit drinking. I would suggest you look at the list of recovery programs under the alcoholism forum as there are programs there that do not speak of powers greater than ourselves.

[Cathy31]

2old

Welcome.

Try it. What you got to lose. You don't even need to 'give up' drinking/using to go to AA/NA .. you just gotta have a desire to stop drinking/using...

What you got to lose?

Cathy31
x

[littlefish]

2old,
I wouldn't really worry about it. As someone else here said, you can pick the recovery parts out of an AA meeting and skip the religion. Shop around for a group you like, there is bound to be a group in your area that is made up of non-religious or less religious people.
There are all kinds of groups, I am now discovering, and they often have different agendas and approaches.
It seems like you are struggling with a lot more than alcohol issues: you
have talked a lot about your mother and it sure sounds like the relationship is problematic to say the least. You might supplement an alcohol recovery program with some kind of counseling to focus on your trauma as a child and your feelings towards your mother.

[kj3880]

NA isn't really religious, although it mentions a higher power at times. For people with temporary hatred or fear of God, we usually tell them to use the group of NA members as their higher power for now. A lot of addicts have screwed up ideas of God at first. A lot of them work through this in recovery and come to be very "spiritual" people. NA is very accepting and doesn't care what you believe in, as long as you have a desire to stop using drugs. We in NA define alcohol as the same as any other drug, so feel free to come on in and identify yourself as an addict. You might just love it there. I do.
KJ

[bob_sapp]

Originally Posted by 2oldforthis

Accidentally came across this site (searching for drug interactions) and I decided anonymous advice might be my best bet. Everyone used to tell me I looked young for my age...till about 6 months ago. I had my first drink when I was 12 (I should say drunk) and it's been pretty much a staple of my life for 33+ years.

My longest stretch of sober was when I was pregnant with my daughter when I was 19. I did, however, go to a bar then a house party on my 20th birthday, while pregnant (5 months) and got royally drunk and vomitted in someone's front yard. (Thank god for that.)

I was always a drinker, but not in an "abusing" way until my daughter left for college. (OK, I mean no one else noticed.) She is my best, and only (how pitiful) friend.

I was abused by my stepfather while my mother knew and did nothing until I was out of the house (kicked out the day after graduation from hs). A