Courtesy vs. Benevolence

[Boleo]

One pair of words that appear to be identical labels for the same behavior are courtesy and benevolence. Both are acts of good will and are virtually indistinguishable from an outside perspective. The only difference between the two is a subtle degree of intention.

Imagine the case of two nurses working in the same hospital doing the same job. Lets call them nurse A and nurse B. Nurse A is smart, efficient and courteous. The hospital administrators praise her and wish they had an entire staff of nurses just like her. She greets her patients with a smile and always acts courteous and professional in their presence. Because she is a very efficient professional doing an important job she is careful not to let any of her patients slow her down with idle chitchat or monopolize her time with trivial requests. She respects her patients but she does not particularly like them. Nurse A takes great pride in her work and believes that she is giving her patients the finest possible medical care. She is happy with her job because she expects to get many pay raises and promotions in the future.

Now lets take a look at Nurse B. She is of average intelligence but sometimes makes mistakes. She is good at taking care of her patients but frequently gets behind schedule because she engages in long chats with her patients. The hospital administrators recognize that she truly cares about her patients but they are frequently disappointed with her performance in terms of patients attended per hour. Nurse B views her work as a vocation more than as a profession so is willing to put patients ahead of pay raises. Nurse B gets much joy from doing her job because she feels that she is giving her patients tender loving care and doing work the for the greater good of mankind.

Both of these nurses are good at their jobs and both do meet the minimum requirements for the definition of courtesy and benevolence. But let us look to see if they both are exhibiting altruistic behavior. Mother Teresa once said, “It is not what you do but how much love you do it with that counts”. Judging by this standard Nurse A meets the minimum requirement for courtesy but fails to meet the minimum for what Mother Teresa would have considered benevolence. That is “acts of good will”. Courtesy without love is merely acting or what is known as perfunctory behavior (going through the motions). Just as faith without works is dead, works without love is morally destitute.

So how can this story be applied to a person’s strength of recovery from substance addition? The answer lies in the power of intention. Nurse B received a sense of joy and satisfaction from her work even when her boss failed to compliment or reward her. This sense of accomplishment will not likely fade over time because it was solely based on her effort and completely detached from material results. Nurse A was happy for a short period of time but it was contingent on receiving periodic pay raises and promotions. One late pay raise or missed promotion could rob her of her optimism and cause her to give up her profession.

Here again is a pair of words, which are often mistaken for being equivalent nouns. Happiness and joy are both quit similar in that they are feelings of intense gratification. While joy is a type of happiness, it is different in a very subtle way, which can best be described as a nuance because it is almost imperceptible. Joy has a special meaning in spiritually. It is the happiness one feels specifically when giving, helping or inspiring others. In other words, happiness is singular where joy is plural. Joy can only be experienced when shared with another person, group or pet. There is even a bigger benefit from joy compared to happiness that the recovering addict can take advantage of. Where happiness has an elusive quality that can be difficult if not impossible to find in the course of a typical day. Joy on the other hand is readily available to anyone living with other people or living with a pet. Holding a door for a stranger, saying please and thank-you with meaning, even petting a dog or giving a dollar to someone in need can sometimes be enough to trigger a felling of joy in us. (See Mother Teresa’s quote).

Happiness also has a fleeting nature to it and comes and goes relatively quickly. On the plus side, happiness has the advantage of being a source of immediate gratification, but like a flashbulb, burns out in a flash. Joy, on the other hand, does not bring immediate gratification but when the good feeling does arrive, it lasts much longer. It is more like a candle that gives of a dull glow but lasts all night.

For the person who has no drug addition problem, joy may be entirely optional in life simply because they don’t need to take refuge in a chemical substance. However, for someone in recovery joy plays a powerful role in his or her long-term recovery. It helps fill the void that was in their life before using and returned when they became abstinent.

The main purpose of a good 12-step program is to provide lessons and exercises designed to teach a whole new way of living. Typically the first 9 steps are spiritual lessons to be performed only once, to learn spiritual principles, followed by three periodic exercises designed to help maintain spiritual fitness. The overall goal of a spiritual 12 step program can usually found in the last step where it states, “practice these principles in all our affairs”

The word practice implies action. The word principles implies attitudes or rules to live by. The phrase “in all our affairs” implies perfection, or at least striving for perfection. This may sound like bad news to us mere mortals but the good news is that we need only to strive for perfection. Remember, “We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection”. All we need to do really is take advantage of the opportunities that come our way. We need not be perfect. We supply the effort, God supplies the results (detachment). This means more good news, there is no need for us to be super-men in the spiritual realm.
Mother Teresa is also known to have said; “There are no small acts of kindness in Gods Eyes”.

[ananda]

Thank you soooo much boleo....really makes me think about how far off the mark i often am with intent....I will certainly take this to heart!

on the lighter side: if the road to h*ll is paved with good intentions, can the road to heaven be paved with bad ones?


Sorry - just had to throw that in

[kj3880]

I love this post. Really good for me to think through things.
kj

[warrens]

Holy smoke!

What a post. It's as if you were writing a letter to ME.

Don't know you, Boleo, or from whence you came, but DON'T LEAVE.

I was immediately struck with the memory of Robert Frost and a poem of his. Thank you for making me revisit it. I hope you will permit me to share it. Thank you so much!

warren

TWO TRAMPS IN MUD TIME

Out of the mud two strangers came
And caught me splitting wood in the yard,
And one of them put me off my aim
By hailing cheerily "Hit them hard!"
I knew pretty well why he had dropped behind
And let the other go on a way.
I knew pretty well what he had in mind:
He wanted to take my job for pay.

Good blocks of oak it was I split,
As large around as the chopping block;
And every piece I squarely hit
Fell splinterless as a cloven rock.
The blows that a life of self-control
Spares to strike for the common good,
That day, giving a loose my soul,
I spent on the unimportant wood.

The sun was warm but the wind was chill.
You know how it is with an April day
When the sun is out and the wind is still,
You're one month on in the middle of May.
But if you so much as dare to speak,
A cloud comes over the sunlit arch,
A wind comes off a frozen peak,
And you're two months back in the middle of March.

A bluebird comes tenderly up to alight
And turns to the wind to unruffle a plume,
His song so pitched as not to excite
A single flower as yet to bloom.
It is snowing a flake; and he half knew
Winter was only playing possum.
Except in color he isn't blue,
But he wouldn't advise a thing to blossom.

The water for which we may have to look
In summertime with a witching wand,
In every wheelrut's now a brook,
In every print of a hoof a pond.
Be glad of water, but don't forget
The lurking frost in the earth beneath
That will steal forth after the sun is set
And show on the water its crystal teeth.

The time when most I loved my task
The two must make me love it more
By coming with what they came to ask.
You'd think I never had felt before
The weight of an ax-head poised aloft,
The grip of earth on outspread feet,
The life of muscles rocking soft
And smooth and moist in vernal heat.

Out of the wood two hulking tramps
(From sleeping God knows where last night,
But not long since in the lumber camps).
They thought all chopping was theirs of right.
Men of the woods and lumberjacks,
The judged me by their appropriate tool.
Except as a fellow handled an ax
They had no way of knowing a fool.

Nothing on either side was said.
They knew they had but to stay their stay
And all their logic would fill my head:
As that I had no right to play
With what was another man's work for gain.
My right might be love but theirs was need.
And where the two exist in twain
Theirs was the better right--agreed.

But yield who will to their separation,
My object in living is to unite
My avocation and my vocation
As my two eyes make one in sight.
Only where love and need are one,
And the work is play for mortal stakes,
Is the deed ever really done
For Heaven and the future's sakes.

[liveweyerd]

Thank you from the depths of my heart for this uplifting and enlightening post!
And for the quotes from Mother Theresa. The Dalai Llama teaches much the same thing.....love, compassion, joy. I will print your post when I get ink!
sincerely,
Tena

[Gringo75]

That was awesome! Flippin' awesome!

[Africa Life]

Thank you for that post.

I hear what you are saying about perfection. It seems to be something that I have been striving for and it has been nailing me quite hard in return. I will continue to practice principals in all my affairs but not to be quite so hard on myself and aim for quality rather than quantity which is what I picked up from your your share.

You certainly picked out some great points to ponder.

Thank you for taking the time to post that.