why are exclusive relationships banned in supported accomodation for alcoholics?!

[rita123]

Please help! I'm an alcoholic and I live in a supported house for alcoholics (recovering). I have fallen in love with one of the residents and he has with me, but now it has been discovered we've been given a warning! Anyone else had this problem or have any suggestions?!!

[nandm]

Welcome to SR!

The theory behind discouraging new relationships in the first year of sobriety is that when first get in relationships they tend to put much of their focus into the person they are with. It becomes quite easy to start finding excuses to stop working on sobriety. Also what happens when relationships go bad or end? We tend to feel bad. When these things happen the urge to drink tends to come back. The whole idea is that by staying out of new relationships while learning about and developing sobriety habits one will be giving themselves the strongest foundation for sobriety.

Personally, I would suggest cooling the relationship right now, work on it being a close friendship with room to grow. Allow both of you to concentrate on staying sober and developing the tools that would keep you that way. From experience relationships in sobriety are much better than any relationship I ever had while drinking. But I know that my relationship is quite likely to fall apart if either of us fail to maintain our sobriety. That takes work and balance.

Take care.

[best]

Major reason would be...put your efforts towards your recovery, not a new relationship. No major changes for the first year is a good guide that works well.

Another problem that happens sometimes...is he married and not telling you? Has a wife waiting at home for when he gets out?

Until we get our own head thinking in the right direction, we are better off staying away from any new relationships.

[anvilhead]

were you aware of the rule before you proceeded to get involved? that you developed feelings for someone with whom you are in such close proximity and so new to recovery is not surprising.....survivors tend to cling together.....however you are also both adults and there are expectations that you behave in certain ways and follow the guidelines and play by the rules.....you can help each other do that, or you can let your emotions run away with you and lose sight of your respective recovery........choice is yours

[sugErspun]

Are you living there by choice?

There are rules to live by everywhere - I have tried my whole life to find a place where I could just do things my way, it doesn't look like it will ever happen.

Yes - I have gotten into 'relationships' in situations where it was made clear that I was breaking rules if anything physical were to ever happen. I had to either 1 - wait until we both got out, or 2 - leave.

I think true love waits - so, stay committed to the reason you are living in a sober recovery home. Love isn't going anywhere.

[RufusACanal]

Ditto Adam. This is good common sense. Why are you in a recovery house to begin with? Romance? Where are your priorities - do not tell me! I will not deny the possibility of love - lust in a recovery house. If it is real it can wait. Do you think two people who are broken in so many non-visible ways can somehow bet the odds and help one another recover? Or maybe recovery is not important? Or maybe sex is? Or maybe just an escape from the harsh reality of a group recovery house and its many rules is the ticket.

[Zanthos]

If, in my first year of recovery, I had had access to the many "gratifications" associated with a relationship, I never would have kept working to get comfortable in my own skin and find a sense of well-being and serenity independent of how anyone else feels about me.

Also, looking back, I was such a messed up, dysfunctional human being (and only somewhat less so now), that the idea of my somehow participating in a healthy relationship would have been laughable.

I needed to get truly OK with myself and establish a decent foundation in recovery before I could even think of getting in a relationship. Anything else would have been a "shortcut" to gratification and an "easy way out".

And I did get into a relationship after 16 months of working the program. And nine months after that I realized I had no idea how to be in a relationship!

[nandm]

One thing I was told in early sobriety to think about as far as relationships go is this:

What type would be attracted to the messed up barely sober, neurotic, struggling, clueless, alcoholic that I was. More than likely someone just as messed up as I was. We don't come into sobriety because our lives are so grand. We come in because we have hit a bottom. Most of us are miserable in our own skins, have a lot of secrets and shame, a lot of resentments, and more than enough baggage to tear apart 30 relationships. Please give yourself some time in this. Let you get better and let him get better before you explore this relationship further. Be supportive of each others sobriety and focus on that rather than a physical attraction. Be a good friend first.

[michaelH]

Why would any self-respecting person choose a partner who has a drinking problem?

Once you've stopped raising the glass, it's time to start raising the bar.

[Zanthos]

Originally Posted by nandm

What type would be attracted to the messed up barely sober, neurotic, struggling, clueless, alcoholic that I was. More than likely someone just as messed up as I was.

Bingo.

[CarolD]

Welcome to SR
...rita123
....michaelH

[CarolD]

Rita...
If you have the AA book
12 Steps and 12 traditions
please read page 118

I ask my AA sponsees to finishh their Steps
before starting a new relationship.
Those who do seem to have a more positive love.

Anyway...as you are there you need
to follow the house rules or be in trouble.
Lot's of time for new loves
after you have sobriety.

Take care...

[barb dwyer]

Bottom line?

Because y'all are in there to get sober.
NOt to get a boyfriend.

It's recovery - not the Dating Game.

You're in a death struggle with the disease of alcoholism and addiction.
"Falling in love' ... is simply pretending the problem - alcoholism and addiction -
don't exist. That's no better than pretending we didn't have a substance problem in the first place.

If we can lie to ourselves about how bad we could get before we came to sobriety - we sure as hell will lie to ourselves about love, relationships and bonding also.

Michael said it best - raise the bar. Not a glass.

[rita123]

Thank you everyone. I was quite shocked at how many responded! I am only young but my drinking almost killed me. I have to remember that. And maybe I am deluding myself with this love thing, much in the way i sometimes think i could have another drink. Time to wake up!! Thank you.

[Freedom1990]

When we are newly sober, we still don't have love of self yet. Therefore it stands to reason that any 'love' or attraction we feel towards another is unhealthy.

I threw 4 years of sobriety out the window over a failed relationship where I was sure it was love.

It was not worth it, and today my recovery comes first and foremost in my life.

[Emimily]

i got just one thing to say - keep it in your pants.

trust me. cause in recovery the odds are good, but MAN are the goods odd.