I’m working on healthy shame vs. the weapon of humiliation:

[Episteme]

Humility tells me that I’m always going to make my fare share of faux-pas. Actually, I’m likely to make more than my fair share… I am an addict after all. For the most part I’m very thankful to those who have gently pulled me aside and privately point out my mistakes by way of sharing their own ESH. Like road rage for example… I can get so focused on being angry at the guy tail-gaiting me that I fail to see how I am guilty of doing the same thing to the car in front of me. I’m a MUCH more serene driver today - thanks in part to someone gently pointing it out to me by sharing their own ESH. From such positive experiences I’ve learned that a healthy sense of shame, exposed in a safe environment, will always motivate me to change for the better.
In contrast; a few days ago at a meeting I was bitterly and publicly humiliated in a very passive aggressive manner when I inappropriately joined in a discussion. After the shock wore off, the immediate response was the formation of a strong resentment towards that person and a powerful fear of not feeling ‘safe’ in the rooms. Humiliation can be a very damaging thing.
That recent experience had me take a deeper look at how humiliation is used as a weapon of defence; what I can do to recognize it in myself; and, how I can diffuse it when I’m at the receiving end. I’ve tried to break humiliation down into its raw forms. As such, I’ve chosen intimidation, brutal honesty, comparison, and passive aggression.

Since I’m still playing with these concepts, I would appreciate the perspective of others here to help me refine my understanding… to grow a little from your ESH.

HOW I HUMILIATE OTHERS:

1) Intimidation:
Because I tend to be more on the ‘flight’ side of the ‘fight or flight’ stress mechanism, I’m not prone to intimidating others through physical aggression and posturing (I’m not a big guy – so using aggression to intimidate would be laughable at best).
Instead, I compensate with intellect. Of course, not all forms of intellect are intimidation. Most forms are either benign (it’s simply how I express myself) or can even be a very useful tool for cultivating serenity through deeper understanding and acceptance. But it’s when I use it to make someone else feel small that it is humiliation through intimidation.

2) Brutal honesty:
I think the most obvious example of using humility as a weapon of defence is the use of ‘brutal honesty’. I think it also has elements of intimidation.
For example, if I feel that someone is attacking me (whether real or just perceived), I defend my sense of vulnerability by being ‘honest’ about their shortcomings. I justify my brutality by saying to myself that 1) they attacked first, and 2) that I was just being honest. This prevents me from having to admit that they may have a point, regardless of how they relayed the message.
I can also be brutally honest if I see a reflection of something in others that I’m not comfortable with in my self. For example, someone rambles on in a meeting without an ounce of positive message, hording all the ‘share-time’, I get pissed at their self-centred pity and aggressively signal to them to give it a rest. In this case, it’s because I see shortcomings in them which I don’t want to acknowledge in myself. It challenge delusions that I’m unprepared to face I guess.

3) Comparison:
This is when I use a false measure to dismiss the messenger. Eg. “What do you know? You’ve only been clean for 2 days now!!??” By humiliating the other person in this way, and feed my ego at the same time, I enable myself to ignore the uncomfortable message and ensure that person doesn’t challenge me again (or talk to me again for that matter).

4) Passive aggression:
As far as I’m concerned this is the most destructive form of humiliation. Rather than directly approaching the subject, brutally or otherwise, I come in from the side. I use body language and alike rather than words. In doing so, not only do I rob the other person’s dignity, I also rob them of any rational defence – and can further blame them for being ‘too sensitive’ if they try to stand up for themselves. Abandoning friends by cutting off contact is another example of how I use passive aggression as a vehicle of humiliation.

Thankfully, healthy shame drives me to want to change those things in me. So does compassion. In an effort to connect more deeply with my sense of compassion, this is the effect these three forms of being humiliated have on me.

HOW OTHERS HUMILIATE ME:

1) Intimidation:
I’m not so concerned with this one personally. Given my past, the threat of violence doesn’t really faze me. Even when faced with a 280lb gorilla getting in my face, I rarely twitch – and have never been faced with a situation this nature in my adult life that I couldn’t defuse with a calm demeanour and soft posture.
Intellectual intimidation is another story - and my greatest challenge since I’m a huge information junkie, and perfectly comfortable with $10 words. The problem is that this comfort has made it very difficult for me to connect with the humiliation I inflict on others through this form of intimidation. Knowing that I’m not easily connected with it is very shaming for me.

2) Brutal honesty:
I tend to have two different reactions to brutal honesty: lash back or shrink back. Most often it’s shrinking back and taking it. When this happens, I feel angry at my self for not standing up for my self. On the other hand, when I lash back I feel angry at the other person for attacking me, and guilty for retaliating. But behind both of those things is a deep feeling humiliation.


3) Comparison:
The most common form of comparison I’ve been exposed to in the rooms is that of ‘clean time’. The “… because I have eleventy-billion years of recovery” defence. Although I agree in once sense that clean-time does matter - as someone with relatively small amount of time I find this form of humiliation particularly damaging because the message reinforces my long held delusion that I am, and will always be, 2 inches tall in comparison to everyone else. Worse than that, I have nothing positive to contribute. The same message is received through mandatory clean time required for service positions, and the ‘you don’t know squat about who you are, you’re just a new-comer’ line. Such comparisons make me feel very un-safe in the rooms.


4) Passive aggression:
Admittedly, I have a really tough time picking up on it let alone defending my self against it. I just feel slighted, put down, turned into a pariah and generally humiliated after the experience – without the benefit of being able to put my finger on any one specific word or action. This one above all has caused me the most damage because it’s so vague to me still. I’m sure that ‘more will be revealed’ in time.


WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT?

Since intellectual intimidation is my ‘defence of choice’ (and a something of a blind spot for me) I work very hard to be conscious of it. I often ask that others simply call me on it – that if I start using $10 words, speak quickly, and ‘baffle them with B.S.” that they simply ask me to explain my self more clearly. That always seems to disarm me – and helps me to identify the behaviour. My hope is that with time and practice, and trusted friends pointing it out when I start down that road, I’ll continue to get a better handle on it.
When faced with the aggressive intimidation of others, I’ve learned that recognizing the fear behind intimidation, and making the aggressor feel safe, is an almost guaranteed to end with a hug rather than a slug.

Honesty is critical, but an honest message doesn’t justify brutality. I’ve learned that I can be firm AND gentle in the same breath. I’ve also learned to defused my fear of the uncomfortable reflection in others by seeing and accepting the truth in myself first.
When faced with the same tactic from others – the first step for me is to see beyond the hostility and identify with the fear that is driving it. From that point I can thank them for their honesty, and ask that they kindly refrain from brutality in the future (much better than my ‘flight or flight’ response).

Comparison is a sure sign that I’ve forgotten to look inwards for acceptance, allowed my self-centred insecurities to take over, and I’ve been taken over by my a need to look down at others to feel good about my self. All I can do in this case is remembering to once again turn inward to find what I need (“return inward” has become something of a mantra these days).
When it comes to defending my self from the humiliating effects of the comparison of others – the same solution applies. No one can make me feel little in comparison provided that I am looking inward for acceptance.

And finally, passive aggression. I very rarely use this that I’m aware of. I prefer the ‘intellectual’ direct approach. Indirect is not something I’ve every been very skilled at. However, abandonment is something I still use on occasion because I don’t feel safe telling a friend that something about their personality really bugs me. It is my fear of conflict that leads me down this road. I continue to work steps 8 & 9 for this one.
Dealing with the passive-aggressive humiliation from others. Well, I just plain suck at this – and it’s the one that cuts me the deepest. I still can’t seem to find a simple answer to gaining serenity here, but maybe you do?

[nandm]

Welcome to SR!

[WendyS]

Wow! I need to read that again to get the fully meaning of it all. Thank you for sharing and WELCOME!! I look forward to sharing recovery with you

[ananda]

It's clear you have really thought about this, and that is always helpful to me. It has helped me to understand that all the controlling, mean, unhelpful things people say to me are from their own fear....just as is true with me. I work on looking at my fear and having compasion for thiers. I just got completely defensive and agressive (and yes tempted to passive agression) today. It is all fear. I have to look for ways to walk more skillfuly around all these other people in the world who are just trying to struggle to find thier way as well.

Thats how its going for me, and remember there really ISN"T such a thing as too smart to get sober.

glad your here