The great obsession of every abnormal drinker

[nandm]

This passage accurately decribed me for too many years. I am fortunate to have found a recovery program that works for me so I would not wind up following the illusion to death, I just got to the gates of insanity (fortunately reached out for help before the gates opened).

What are your thoughts, experiences, ideas, questions, etc.... regarding this passage. Do you find similiarities in it with you? I appreciate any feedback you have. Thanks.

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been charaterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his liquor drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Page 30, lines 1 - 6

[nandm]

A handbook I read stated the following about this passage.

Lines 1-2: When the authors use the term "most of us," they mean that it is very likely that we suffer from the same lack of willingness that they did. To help us diagnose our own alcoholism, they define it as being bodily and mentally different from our fellows. Though this is perhaps an unpleasant admission, we have to agree that in the light of our past experience this is true.

Lines 3-5: "Therefore" means we accept what has come before. Our willingness to admit our alcoholism leads us to try countless times to control our drinking. We become obsessed with the idea that this time our drinking will not get out of control, that we will enjoy our drinking as we did early in our drinking careers. Usually, if we control our drinking we do not enjoy it and if we drink enough to enjoy it, we lose control. This illusion that we have power over alcohol and that we can control it remains with us long after it is evident to everyone around us that we can not.

The Annotated A.A. Handbook, A companion to the Big Book. by Fank D.

[caraway]

For a long time I didn't think I was an alcoholic. I thought alcoholics were daily drinkers and had to have a drink on waking. When I first went to AA, which I went to on and off for about 10 years, I found it easy to stop because I used to drink alot on an evening and then have 2, 3 or 4 days off, depending on how much booze I'd had. I could tell myself that I only drank a couple of times a week, and wheres the harm in that? I think I admitted to being an alcoholic when I ticked just about all the boxes in a questionnaire (something like 20 boxes when 5 would have been sufficient to diagnose a drink problem). I think the main thing for me though was the fact that once I have one drink, I want to keep going. Thats what always made me feel different from other people and I think, for me, its that one fact alone, that makes me an alcoholic. Without that one fact, I might just be a heavy drinker.

Of course once I'd admitted that I was an alcoholic, or had an abnormal reaction to alcohol or whatever one wants to call it, I got used to it. When I decided I wanted to drink again, I just thought to myself 'ok, I'm an alcoholic and I'm going to have a drink'. So, knowing my alcoholic pattern, I'd plan it out by starting as late in the day as possible, preferably starting in the evening when I had less to do and could enjoy the journey to oblivion uninterrupted.

I'm waffling on here and not sure what I'm trying to say except admitting to being an alcoholic wouldn't stop me from drinking. Admitting to my life being unmanagable, well thats a whole new arguement to get round if I wanted to pick up a drink.

[nandm]

Originally Posted by caraway

I'm waffling on here and not sure what I'm trying to say except admitting to being an alcoholic wouldn't stop me from drinking. Admitting to my life being unmanagable, well thats a whole new arguement to get round if I wanted to pick up a drink.

Thank you for sharing your experience. You have an excellent point about unmanageability being a large part of it.

[gravity]

This obsession part of this passage very accurately describes my experiences. The horrors of coming off a bender. For the first few days sober, "I'll do whatever it takes" is the main thought. This is followed by a few days of "I can quit on my own." Then I start thinking "I will be able to control and enjoy drinking in the future". And the obsession starts and eventual drinking results.

If I could honestly accept that I was physically/mentally different would it make a difference? I think it would help. I could no longer pretend that the passage of time, reading a theory, or dealing with some other aspect of my life will result in being able to enjoy drinking.

However, I think that it is my pride that makes it difficult for me to call myself an alcoholic, not so much wanting to be able to drink like others. Some people drink, some don't - doesn't really matter to me or affect how I view others. Drinking like others is not really what I obsess over. Instead, I have a tough time admitting that I can't handle a few beers. I guess one of my first steps is to get over myself and accept who I am.

[nandm]

Originally Posted by gravity

If I could honestly accept that I was physically/mentally different would it make a difference? I think it would help. I could no longer pretend that the passage of time, reading a theory, or dealing with some other aspect of my life will result in being able to enjoy drinking.

However, I think that it is my pride that makes it difficult for me to call myself an alcoholic, not so much wanting to be able to drink like others. Some people drink, some don't - doesn't really matter to me or affect how I view others. Drinking like others is not really what I obsess over. Instead, I have a tough time admitting that I can't handle a few beers. I guess one of my first steps is to get over myself and accept who I am.

I love the honesty of your post. Thank you for your insight. I truly hope that you are able to set aside the pride and just let yourself realize that accepting you are an alcoholic does not close doors for you, it opens many doors to your future happiness. I know that was my experience. Today, my being an alcoholic is no different than my height, it is a part of who I am, I just have to accept it and move forward. Take care and thank you for your post.

[Robzoloft]

Are you kidding me? "many pursue it into the gates of insanity and death", I have been inpatient psych ward 3 times....two 28 day rehabs.....5 ER detox centers...3 Intensive Out Patient programs...one crack induced heart attack (38 y/o) ...multiple overdoses...two DWI's...bankruptcy...divorce...loss of child custody.......and I still wonder if I can drink like normal people..I still try to drink like normal people....INSANITY

[findingout]

Originally Posted by nandm

Today, my being an alcoholic is no different than my height, it is a part of who I am, I just have to accept it and move forward.

Yes. There is exactly the same chance of me waking up tomorrow being able to drink like a non-alcoholic as there is of me waking up tomorrow being tall enough to play center in the NBA. Zero. Not going to happen. I'm 5'6" and I am an alcoholic. Just two of the many things I have accept because I cannot change them.

[51anna]

I do think it's insanity too. I know there was a point during my drinking years, that I feel like I was truly insane. When I look back on it, I can't believe that my thinking was so crazy. Yet, it didn't occur to me at the time that I was insane. I could go out in the world, much of the time, and do normal things, but I wasn't living in reality.

[gravity]

For me, truly accepting that "I can't drink" as a part of me will only be 1/2 of this particular issue. The other half is not blowing this fact all out of proportion. Really, it shouldn't be a big deal at all and certainly not worth obsessing over. Simply put, I want to have a good life where alcohol is irrelevant. I don't know if it is realistic or not, but my goal is to one day be able to say that "I can't drink and I don't care."

[nandm]

Originally Posted by gravity

Really, it shouldn't be a big deal at all and certainly not worth obsessing over. Simply put, I want to have a good life where alcohol is irrelevant. I don't know if it is realistic or not, but my goal is to one day be able to say that "I can't drink and I don't care."

That goal is not an unachieveable one. For me I no longer think much about the alcohol but to do so I have to expand in other areas. For me that growth comes through a recovery program where the alcohol is considered but a symptom. So if I work on the correcting the real problem, myself, then alcohol becomes irrelevant.

I come to these boards and post not because I am worried or obsessing about drinking but rather because I have found a solution and believe that is worth sharing as well as supporting others who are or have been at a place where alcohol was the obsession.

Hang in there. There is a solution. Thank you for your candor. I appreciate it as it makes me think.

[gravity]

Originally Posted by nandm

That goal is not an unachieveable one. For me I no longer think much about the alcohol but to do so I have to expand in other areas. For me that growth comes through a recovery program where the alcohol is considered but a symptom. So if I work on the correcting the real problem, myself, then alcohol becomes irrelevant.

I come to these boards and post not because I am worried or obsessing about drinking but rather because I have found a solution and believe that is worth sharing as well as supporting others who are or have been at a place where alcohol was the obsession.

Hang in there. There is a solution. Thank you for your candor. I appreciate it as it makes me think.

Your post is bang on.

I have tried quitting on my own and have had limited success (that I don't discount). I am approaching AA (I don't know if this is the program you are referring to) with an open mind - to learn & get support. I still have some concerns (people finding out that I go to AA is the main one) but I have to deal with my pride and give myself a chance.

I also strongly believe that it is my responsibility to share any experiences and solutions with others. I am at a point in my life where family members, friends, and colleagues ask for my help on personal problems (even advice on drinking issues!).

Thanks for the encouragement.

[nandm]

Originally Posted by gravity

Your post is bang on.

I have tried quitting on my own and have had limited success (that I don't discount). I am approaching AA (I don't know if this is the program you are referring to) with an open mind - to learn & get support. I still have some concerns (people finding out that I go to AA is the main one) but I have to deal with my pride and give myself a chance.

I also strongly believe that it is my responsibility to share any experiences and solutions with others. I am at a point in my life where family members, friends, and colleagues ask for my help on personal problems (even advice on drinking issues!).

Thanks for the encouragement.

It sounds like you are off to a great start. Yes, AA was the program that worked for me. I like your last paragraph regarding responsibility, giving back what we have been so freely given is so essential to recovery. At least it is for me.

With time the worry about people finding out you are in a recovery program will pass. At least that has been my experience. Of course there will be narrow minded people who will think that just because we have had an alcohol problem that it reflects on our character or will power. But I don't worry to much about people like that. They are just misinformed. I can't change them. The people that matter in my life accept me as I am.

[Fishman35]

Mental obession= The idea that always wins out.