I feel like I don't deserve help

[DoubleV]

*I don't know if I should put a trigger warning or not on this but there is self injury talk in this post*










I'm lost and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm trying I honestly am, but it's so much bigger than I am. I go to meetings once a week, yet I can't stop using. I'm self injuring worse than I ever have in my entire life, I can't even go 10 minutes without cutting or banging my wrist. I got fired from my job yesterday. Their reasons were that they were losing money and they had to let someone go, but I got an emial from a coworker just now saying that clients were bothered by my cuts/scars and that I seemed high and out of it to them. My psychiatrist, therapist and parents all keep telling me I need to go into rehab. But I already feel like a fraud just going to the AA meetings. I sit there listening to people thinking that I'm just making mountains out of molehills. That I should just stop trying to recover now and just let things get bad enough that I actually deserve to be there. I'm sorry if this makes no sense, but **** dude I don't know.

I just reread this and I sound like an attention *****, I'm sorry.

[eire rose]

Originally Posted by DoubleV

My psychiatrist, therapist and parents all keep telling me I need to go into rehab.

Listen to them, they know you best and have your best interest at heart.

AA is great but you may need more than that, go to rehab.

I never experienced the pain I felt when I was drinking/drugging when I stopped, I wanted to die and I hated myself, my life and everyone else.

Stop the cycle, go to rehab and get the help you need

Love, Rose

[DoubleV]

See I know I should listen to them. But I can't shake this feeling that I'm not I guess "bad" enough to go. Like I'd go in there and everyone would think "Why is she here?" and that I'm faking everything.

[tubesk]

why would you be there? what answers could you give if people did ask?

how "bad" would things need to get for you to believe that you "deserved" help?

[eire rose]

I felt like that when I went to AA, that people would say I didn't belong, I wasn't alcoholic enough....

This was my denial talking, the longer I kept going the more I realized I earned my seat and I had the same and sometimes more gruesome stories than everyone else.

Don't feed yourself this lie, its your mind playing tricks on you. No-one goes to rehab that doesn't have a problem, same as no-one goes to AA that doesn't have a drink problem, it just doesn't work that way.

Nobody is going to judge you, believe me, they all are thinking they don't really have a problem eitheramd maybe they really weren't that bad, just no-one says it out loud.

Love, Rose