Help with my girlfriend

[jpowel21]

Hello Sober Community,

Hopefully someone on this board can help me.

My girlfriend (or I guess my ex) has been smoking pot everyday for the last 10 years plus (roughly). We had some problems in our relationship that she essentially placed entirely on my shoulders. She was constantly telling me that I needed 'help,' and 'therapy,' because I would do things like walk too far in front of her with a cooler, or tell her I was walking in my neighborhood with a weighted backpack. The other night she got angry because I told her she should wash her window with wiper fluid. When she did, because of grease from the road, the windshield became dirtier than before. She became furious with me. I offered to clean her windshield. She refused to stop and let me clean it.

My father lost his leg in a motorcycle wreck about a month and a half ago. Two of his friends were killed in the same wreck. The lady driving the car that hit my father was high at the time. I spent a week with him after the wreck. When I got back, I really felt like my girlfriend and I should stop driving while we were 'on' anything and we should use cabs and that sort of thing. She became furious and said, "I knew you would use this to start this bullshit." I was pretty heartbroken by that because I was in love with her and didn't want to lose her, but I felt like I was betraying my father when we would continue to drive around high (with her driving...I won't drive high anymore). She continues to drive with a buzz all the time.

My girlfriend became furious with me the other night after I had begun the process of cleaning the blinds in her room. I had to rotate the blinds 180 degrees so that they could be properly cleaned. She called me the next night in a rage because evidently it was easier to see in her room (by neighbors outside) than when the blinds were rotated the other way.

My girlfriend is constantly bitching at me when I drive. Speed up! Slow down! If I left her apartment without locking the door, which I did a couple of times, she would be angry about it months later.

I have noticed that there is a discernible difference in her behavior when she is not on pot. She is much sweeter and kinder. She has more patience with all people.

I feel like she blamed all of our problems (our problems being nothing more than her getting pissed off all the time because I was doing things like turning the blinds over) on me. But, I'm pretty sure that her pot-use had a great deal to do with her inability to deal with certain situations.

She has been constantly telling me I need to be in therapy. According to her, I have social anxiety and am ADD. Well, I looked up both and it's pretty much impossible for me to be either one. I have lots of friends and go out all the time. As for the ADD, well that's one pretty much silly. I'm forgetful sometimes, but that's about it. In regards to my mental health state, I'm actually a very happy person. I went through a period of depression after having some stomach surgery, but it went away after I started feeling better.

I feel like I've been living with a person who doesn't really want to deal with herself and so she puts everything on me. I have a feeling her behavior has a great deal to her pot use. I feel like she uses pot so she doesn't have to deal with her emotions.

The thing is, I still love her, but I realize I should probably move on. She has shot me a thousand mean glances and said a great many mean things.

I'll never forget the day that something really stressful happened for her and she started smoking a joint like it was an asthma inhaler.

A great many of her friends are current or recovered drug users/abusers. Some of the others have other addictions and problems.

Her father passed when she was 17 and I feel like she's been on the run from her emotions ever since, but that is conjecture.

The scenarios described above in the first paragraph or two are just typical of how she reacts to me. I could list more, but I don't feel like typing that much.

I feel like if she got sober we'd have a chance, but she is completely unwilling to try. I love many, many things about her. But again, she's Jekyll and Hyde with me and others sober vs. high.

I would love to hear your thoughts and suggestions.

[Ngokpa]

I always thought the people who said pot makes you paranoid were out to get me.

Pot runs the addiction cycle just like other drugs: fun, then fun with problems, then problems. But it's not as physically debiliatating as other drugs, so it's harder to see it's causing you problems. I had a shrink once call it "mother love", because in the beginning being high was like getting unconditional love. Even though it becomes not as fun, we don't associate our problems with it. And it sounds like your girlfriend fits the classic profile of addiction in that her drug of choice is more important than the people around her. It certainly was for me. Marijuana saved my life early on because I was overwhelmed by emotional stuff, but that changed. Then a lot of things bug you, but you try to smoke it away because that's what you know.

Being reasonable doesn't work, because you're talking to the drug, not her. No doubt she's in there someplace, but you can't fix her. I had to let go of a lot of old friends even before I quit drinking and using because it got too crazy.

I always thought I had to put up with abuse or be alone, but it took a lot of therapy to find out I needed skills I didn't have. Putting up with abuse isn't kind to myself or the abuser. We can't eliminate it entirely from our lives because there will always be people with problems, but we sure can handle it better.

Sorry about your dad. I wish you the best.

[jpowel21]

If anybody else reads this, please respond. I could really use the help and support like the previous poster.

[Buzz Kilowatt]

JP,

It's good to help people.

We're nice to the little old lady and help her across the street because that's the right thing to do. We expect nothing back.

We help our parents with their infirmities because they are family and brought us into this world. There is a sense of obligation, and hopefully love, too. Sometimes it's due to shared history, or loyalty, or we're doing what others expect us to do.

But when we're dealing with relationships, we have choices.

I don't want to seem judgemental, but the woman you describe has some serious issues.

You can choose to help her, but you should be aware that there may be limits to what you can expect to accomplish.

You cannot make an addict choose sobriety. You can present logic and facts and persuasions but at the end of the day the choice is theirs. Or if you see addiction as a disease, perhaps they are victims, with limited choices.

You cannot rationalize with someone who is intellectually or emotionally impaired.

Pot -- that "innocuous" drug -- has made a mess of life for some chronic abusers that I have crossed paths with. It destroyed their capacity to reason and to be emotionally healthy.

Your friend must have her own epiphany and want to change. Otherwise, you are wasting your time.

When I was younger I played the field as much as I could. I sought the brightest women and enjoyed the challenges of a few "quirky" gals. They were very interesting to deal with, to a point. Until I discovered that I couldn't "fix" them.

The girl I almost married was beautiful, and very smart (her Mom had a measured IQ of 170 but was a little crazy). Hers was probably not much less. The physical stuff was good beyond all expectations. The problem was that she wasn't very stable and not always honest. I never felt I could trust her.

The girl I eventually married was the most sane and emotionally healthy of all the ones I dated. She's beautiful inside and out. Our 16th anniversary is next month, and I never looked back.

If you choose to help this lady, it is very noble. But do it with both eyes wide open.

Good luck,

Buzz

[RisingPhoenix]

JP-

They say that people who are not willing to accept or admit that they have a problem tip toe barefooted on a slippery slope.

You, my friend, are no different. If you're involved with her, you two are doing the tango out there together.

I don't know how long you've been with her, but I was in your sitch for 5 years. We are no longer together. And I'm still shaking my head wondering where the time went. What do I have to show for it? Countless dirty looks, rantings "you don't love me for who I really am!" and ridiculous, nonsensical justifications for his addictions which catapulted into ugly, painful arguments and me either pleading for him to get help or gritting my teeth saying "grow the hell up" and slamming down the phone when he didn't show up for my graduation from grad school because "last night went kinda rough."

If she is unwilling to stop, it won't get better until .... you guessed it.... you make it better. So, what can you do to make it better? If she is unwilling, I'd say the ball (and your sanity) is in your court.

They told me, when I got to where you are, that you have 2 choices. Save yourself (and be successful - for sure - guaranteed!). Or stay with her, attempt to save her (stressing HEAVILY on *attempt*) and possibly lose your mind in the process. Then she's right... you will need therapy.

I almost lost mine. I'm still cleaning up the mess. I've been in counseling for 3 years to try to recover from this. Save yourself some heartache.. and some money.

I was left at a Krispy Kreme in northern Maryland once, because 2 guys told him they knew where he could get some primo but they needed a car. So, he left with them, taking the car, while I was in the Little Girl's Room. So, yeah... pot's pretty alluring.

He still calls me at 2 am, leaving stoned pathetic messages in my ear telling me he's a loser, that he let the best thing that ever happened to him go and that he's lonely and lost.

What can I do? Nothing. Not a damn thing.

You may succeed. But be prepared for a loooooong haul. Unless she comes to you begging, pleading and hysterical that her life is unmanageable and she wants to change. And even then, be aware of what you're in for. Because someone in detox (went through 4 <unsuccessfuls> with him) is no walk in the park either.

There's getting that stuff out of her brain. And then there are all the tools she's going to have to learn in order to cope with those ugly horrible painful emotions that us humans have been saddled with. Thing is, this is her habit to cope. She has no other tools and skills to cope. She's probably never had to think about. Never had to.... she's been stoned.

I'm not saying it can't be done - meaning she could never quit. This site exists because it can be done. But it doesn't sound like she's there. And so where does that leave you? Blessed out for cleaning the blinds? That sounds like a dismal future. I know what it feels like. I was reamed out for layering the lasagne 'wrong.'

I wish you the best of luck. Please don't strap on any blinders because you love her. Sometimes that can jade you. We all want to save the drowning puppies. But this is different.....

Listen to Buzz: Keep your eyes open.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

RP

[jpowel21]

I appreciate the responses so much you guys. Buzz, Ngkopa, phoenix.

[Alera]

JP, you may want to drop down on the Nar-Anon board. We are family members of addicts.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/nar-anon/

[jpowel21]

Bumping my own thread again. The responses you guys are giving me mean a lot and are very helpful.

[felicity]

Wow, J,

I hate to say this because it might be a bit of a slap in the face ... first, let me say that you sound like a really nice, normal, cool guy, and very loving. Yay for you!! Next, I have to say that your girlfriend sounds ... um,

That whole comment about your dad ... wow ... talk about a lack of empathy. Ouch. I'm sorry that happened to you guys, by the way, and I think it shows character that you no longer want to drive high.

It could be the pot ... I'm not saying that pot ain't a drug. It is!! When I smoked pot regularly, I became severely depressed. Maybe your girlfriend's reaction is to become irritable and paranoid. She obviously has a hypomanic response, while I had a depressive one. Pot is both CNS depressant and mild hallucinogen, so people can have any number of responses to it.

She's definitely an addict ... the question is, would she be like this without pot? You don't know. That's a problem.

Would she quit smoking pot? She can only quit if SHE wants to, although my mom did the whole "keep drinking and I'll leave you" thing, and because she meant it for real, my dad hasn't drank excessively in over 20 years.

Still, her problem isn't drugs. Her problem is her inability to deal with reality. This may mean that when she quits pot, she might be even MORE irritable and paranoid than ever before. Dealing with life sober might be the second hardest thing she'll ever have to do, next to losing her father, which is very tragic.

She needs to be ready to quit ... really ready. She needs to want this for herself. Otherwise, you'll get stuck in a huge codie role. She'll blame her failure for not being able to quit pot on you ... she'll make you feel responsible for keeping her sober. You will lose no matter what you do (something you might already be used to with her, from the sound of it), and she'll find a way to keep smoking without you knowing. Quite a difficult role to be in, if you ask me.

I hope that whatever happens, you keep happy. It's good to hear you are not depressed, even though your relationship is obviously very difficult.

Take care.

[Sugah]

J....are you clean? Or are you smoking right along with her? Just curious.

Peace & Love,
Sugah