You're Only As Sick As Your Secrets - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Bozo · 07-28-2006, 06:09 AM

I cannot believe how far I have fallen from grace. How could I be this stupid? I have been sober for over 18 years and yet in my current condition that time means nothing. I have not been to an AA meeting for over a month and I have been abusing prescription pain medicine for about 7 months.

I have been living a lie. I have lost my way. I am a poor example of someone working a recovery program and sharing my ESH.

I want to get off this merry go round, find myself and find the grace of God in my life again.

A prayer for me please, I am so sorry for this relapse.

**Done-With-It** · 07-28-2006, 06:25 AM

(((Bozo)))

You'll get through this.

Sending a prayer your way.

Chance · 07-28-2006, 06:44 AM

Hey Bozo none of us are perfect. Be gentle to yourself! I for one haven't used since May 25, 2006 but we are all human and we are going to make mistakes. All we can do is try to do different. Glad that you are here.

Love Vic

Rusty Zipper · 07-28-2006, 08:57 AM

Bozo, your not a poor example... your a good example, your here, fessing up, aint that what its all about...? so ya mess'd up, had some time... didnt take "As Directed"... your alive... i know one thats not! arg!... so, work on what wasn't..and you have even more ES & H to share!

agw & gol, .................... pattee

angelgirl · 07-28-2006, 10:34 AM

Bozo,,

Just like Rusty said, you are NOT a poor example of anything.
You are a wonderful person!!! You are an addict, and you
need help, and you are reaching out. You are doing the right things.

You have the right tools, God, meetings, Sr, friends.. You are reaching
out. Now keep reaching, keep going..

Prayers my friend,
Love,
Becky

michski · 07-28-2006, 10:47 AM

Congratulations on your 18 years of NO booze... Give yourself a break Please

You're doing the right thing AGAIN.. I am impressed with your sobriety pills or no pills!

IrishEyes9302 · 07-28-2006, 10:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bozo

I cannot believe how far I have fallen from grace. How could I be this stupid? I have been sober for over 18 years and yet in my current condition that time means nothing. I have not been to an AA meeting for over a month and I have been abusing prescription pain medicine for about 7 months.

I have been living a lie. I have lost my way. I am a poor example of someone working a recovery program and sharing my ESH.

I want to get off this merry go round, find myself and find the grace of God in my life again.

A prayer for me please, I am so sorry for this relapse.

You are not stupid, not in the least. This is a deadly disease, it's not a character flaw. And you're here doing the right thing, ratting yourself out. That takes amazing courage. I for one, admire your strength. Go easy on yourself. I remember being in treatment after my last relapse and beating myself up mercilessly. They told me to put down the bat, pick up the feather. It'll be ok. Get yourself whatever help you need. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

amymarie · 07-28-2006, 11:27 AM

Oh Bozo...You will soon see the good in all of this...
You have taken steps in the right direction. Here you are telling us your "secret"...that takes serious strength...
It happens sooooo much in recovery. We exchange one for another- sometimes unitentionally...
Don't beat yourself up. You have already been forgiven - now forgive yourself and move forward with it....

You are a GREAT person....

Love
amymarie

Moontime · 07-28-2006, 01:29 PM

Amazing you came back. I've seen a few guys, one who I sponsored couldn't get honest and after 15 years clean he hasn't come back because of the shame and guilt. You don't forget your recovery your clean date just changed. Today is the most important day.

C@tgrl · 07-28-2006, 01:32 PM

Bozo, thinking of you.You have been a source of strength and inspiration to so many

love Cat..XX

notsleepingwell · 07-28-2006, 01:48 PM

((((((Bozo))))))
Prayers going out for you honey. Cut yourself a little slack, now get back on the horse and ride!!!!!!!!!!

liveweyerd · 07-29-2006, 06:05 PM

I have been thinking about you and wondering about you my friend. Except I am used to meeting with you in the other forum with us nuts! So I nearly missed this.
many hugs to you!

BeginAgain · 07-29-2006, 08:30 PM

Please don't beat yourself up. I was clean almost 13 years when I relapsed. I felt the same way on the inside. That anger was part of the grieving process. Eventually I could look back and find the lessons that were intended to be learned from all of it. I'm still learning and growing. Sometimes - relapse is a part of recovery and can be a stepping stone to something better. Hang in there and give yourself some credit for all the hard work you have done in the past and all the hard work that lies ahead. Hang in there.

angelgirl · 07-30-2006, 12:53 AM

Hey (((Bozo)))

Thinking of you..

Please post, and let us know how you are doing.

Prayers my friend,

Love,
Becky

**historyteach** · 07-30-2006, 04:24 AM

Prayers for you, Bozo...

Be well...

Shalom!

tramp · 07-30-2006, 06:23 AM

no shame . just pick yourself up and dust yourself off. i too had a few after nearly 9 years clean. i wasn't living a lie, the program didn't fail. i was no less of a person for it. i was just weak. i am human. as are you. if you ever believed your higher power had aplan for you now is when that faith will most be tested. it's easy to believe when life is "good". but when we are down on that floor, that's the test. prayers for you.

Bozo · 07-30-2006, 07:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by angelgirl

Bozo,,

Just like Rusty said, you are NOT a poor example of anything.
You are a wonderful person!!! You are an addict, and you
need help, and you are reaching out. You are doing the right things.

You have the right tools, God, meetings, Sr, friends.. You are reaching
out. Now keep reaching, keep going..

Prayers my friend,
Love,
Becky

Thanks Angelgirl, you know how I feel about you, you are special. Hows Tara?

Bozo · 07-30-2006, 07:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by liveweyerd

I have been thinking about you and wondering about you my friend. Except I am used to meeting with you in the other forum with us nuts! So I nearly missed this.
many hugs to you!

I miss you nuts down the page too!!! I'll be OK, must pray to have this damaging self will removed.

Bozo · 07-30-2006, 07:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeginAgain

That anger was part of the grieving process.

I have no doubt that anger and resentment are the underlying emotions that helped lead to this relapse, or should I say NOT DEALING with my anger and emotion?

Thanks for the thoughtful reply.

Wolfstarr · 07-30-2006, 07:18 AM

Hey Bozo,
I like live missed seeing you with the rest of us nuts on the other forum!

Glad to see your post here--you are worthy, good and loveable, Mike.
I have missed you...
Prayers and definitely a "vanilla" candle burning for you right now!
Love you,
Wolf

Got It · 07-30-2006, 07:44 AM

Hi Bozo,

I had been sober from alcohol for 5 plus years. I too started abusing pain meds and after awhile my life became the unmanageable mess that it had been when I was drinking.

When I look back into the past years, I find that I have always had "Secrets". I kept family secrets, snuck cigs when I told everyone I quit, had a love affair with Tanqeray in my closet or the laundry room, would go to different liquor stores so the cashier wouldn't become suspicous of my "secret", then I had this affair with pain meds, I bought off the internet and had to try to keep it a "secret" that the Fed Ex or UPS man was dropping off a package that was legit - on and on it goes!! I have always had a secret to keep in my life. Just realizing that has made me feel like a ton of cinder blocks has been lifted off of my mind and body.

I too felt so much shame and anger that "I" who should have know better, found myself once again in the clutches of addiction.

I have been sober now for 9 months. I am that grateful person again, the only difference between now and then is that when I go to meetings I say "I'm Carolyn and I am chemically depend"!!! I also think that I am working a better program and have yielded to the fact that I am an addict!!!

You can get thru this - be honest with yourself and others around you.

One day at a time!! (oh how I used to hate that saying)!!!!!!

liveweyerd · 07-30-2006, 08:36 AM

I am so glad you are back, together we can get through anything!
I made it off the xanax...and will never want it again, but because I'm nuts I am on valium now. Evenso, getting off the xanax made a wonderful world of difference for me.
live/Tena

Got It · 07-30-2006, 07:27 PM

How are you doing tonight Bozo?

Bozo · 07-31-2006, 03:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Got It

How are you doing tonight Bozo?

I meant to reply to your previous post in more depth, but got sidetracked.
Thank you so much for asking about my health.

I am currently one day clean from pills, and I am thinking about posting daily on my withdrawal from Tramdol. What do you think?

07-28-2006, 06:09 AM	#1 (permalink)
Bozo On The Bus Join Date: May 2004 Location: Brattleboro, Vt. Posts: 473	You're Only As Sick As Your Secrets I cannot believe how far I have fallen from grace. How could I be this stupid? I have been sober for over 18 years and yet in my current condition that time means nothing. I have not been to an AA meeting for over a month and I have been abusing prescription pain medicine for about 7 months. I have been living a lie. I have lost my way. I am a poor example of someone working a recovery program and sharing my ESH. I want to get off this merry go round, find myself and find the grace of God in my life again. A prayer for me please, I am so sorry for this relapse. __________________ Signature made by my son Alex.

07-28-2006, 06:25 AM	#2 (permalink)
Done-With-It InAButtonKindOfWay. Seriously? Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Hollywood Posts: 8,250 Blog Entries: 15	(((Bozo))) You'll get through this. Sending a prayer your way. __________________ Living in fast forward Hollywood RockStar outta control Need to rewind real slow Alwys Runin Time to take control Oh yeah ...

07-28-2006, 06:44 AM	#3 (permalink)
Chance JUST DO IT!! Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Here Or There Posts: 7,090 Blog Entries: 9	Hey Bozo none of us are perfect. Be gentle to yourself! I for one haven't used since May 25, 2006 but we are all human and we are going to make mistakes. All we can do is try to do different. Glad that you are here. Love Vic __________________ With Love and Respect Vic Life isn't yesterday or tomorrow it is in the now.....

07-28-2006, 08:57 AM	#4 (permalink)
Rusty Zipper Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: my room in ct. Posts: 11,887	Bozo, your not a poor example... your a good example, your here, fessing up, aint that what its all about...? so ya mess'd up, had some time... didnt take "As Directed"... your alive... i know one thats not! arg!... so, work on what wasn't..and you have even more ES & H to share! agw & gol, .................... pattee __________________ *Rule 62*

07-28-2006, 10:34 AM	#5 (permalink)
angelgirl You're never alone!! Join Date: May 2003 Location: Wisconsin Posts: 2,194	Bozo,, Just like Rusty said, you are NOT a poor example of anything. You are a wonderful person!!! You are an addict, and you need help, and you are reaching out. You are doing the right things. You have the right tools, God, meetings, Sr, friends.. You are reaching out. Now keep reaching, keep going.. Prayers my friend, Love, Becky __________________ ™ Don't tell God how BIG your addiction is, tell your addiction, how BIG our GOD is!! Jesus is our teacher and he is our Savior, who takes our prayers and makes them his own.

07-28-2006, 10:47 AM	#6 (permalink)
michski Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: California Posts: 977	Congratulations on your 18 years of NO booze... Give yourself a break Please You're doing the right thing AGAIN.. I am impressed with your sobriety pills or no pills! __________________ Fake it til you make it!

07-28-2006, 11:27 AM	#8 (permalink)
amymarie No more hostages Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: houston Posts: 790	Oh Bozo...You will soon see the good in all of this... You have taken steps in the right direction. Here you are telling us your "secret"...that takes serious strength... It happens sooooo much in recovery. We exchange one for another- sometimes unitentionally... Don't beat yourself up. You have already been forgiven - now forgive yourself and move forward with it.... You are a GREAT person.... Love amymarie __________________ recovery begins with a willingness to do whatever it takes... and for me that means WHATEVER it takes...

07-28-2006, 01:29 PM	#9 (permalink)
Moontime Member Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Charlottesville, Va Posts: 624	Amazing you came back. I've seen a few guys, one who I sponsored couldn't get honest and after 15 years clean he hasn't come back because of the shame and guilt. You don't forget your recovery your clean date just changed. Today is the most important day. __________________ Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. -Lenny Bruce

07-28-2006, 01:32 PM	#10 (permalink)
C@tgrl Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: london Posts: 18	Bozo, thinking of you.You have been a source of strength and inspiration to so many love Cat..XX

07-28-2006, 01:48 PM	#11 (permalink)
notsleepingwell I'm HOME!!!!! Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Hot Flash City Posts: 484	((((((Bozo)))))) Prayers going out for you honey. Cut yourself a little slack, now get back on the horse and ride!!!!!!!!!! __________________ notsleepingwell 'We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience

07-29-2006, 06:05 PM	#12 (permalink)
liveweyerd Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: central Florida Posts: 7,210 Blog Entries: 5	I have been thinking about you and wondering about you my friend. Except I am used to meeting with you in the other forum with us nuts! So I nearly missed this. many hugs to you! __________________ Each small candle lights a corner of the dark....Roger Waters

07-29-2006, 08:30 PM	#13 (permalink)
BeginAgain Day by day.... Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: NW GA Posts: 449 Blog Entries: 3	Please don't beat yourself up. I was clean almost 13 years when I relapsed. I felt the same way on the inside. That anger was part of the grieving process. Eventually I could look back and find the lessons that were intended to be learned from all of it. I'm still learning and growing. Sometimes - relapse is a part of recovery and can be a stepping stone to something better. Hang in there and give yourself some credit for all the hard work you have done in the past and all the hard work that lies ahead. Hang in there. __________________ Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results!

07-30-2006, 12:53 AM	#14 (permalink)
angelgirl You're never alone!! Join Date: May 2003 Location: Wisconsin Posts: 2,194	Hey (((Bozo))) Thinking of you.. Please post, and let us know how you are doing. Prayers my friend, Love, Becky __________________ ™ Don't tell God how BIG your addiction is, tell your addiction, how BIG our GOD is!! Jesus is our teacher and he is our Savior, who takes our prayers and makes them his own.

07-30-2006, 04:24 AM	#15 (permalink)
historyteach To Life! Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: centered again Posts: 7,999	Prayers for you, Bozo... Be well... Shalom! __________________

07-30-2006, 06:23 AM	#16 (permalink)
tramp Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: my own little world Posts: 257	no shame . just pick yourself up and dust yourself off. i too had a few after nearly 9 years clean. i wasn't living a lie, the program didn't fail. i was no less of a person for it. i was just weak. i am human. as are you. if you ever believed your higher power had aplan for you now is when that faith will most be tested. it's easy to believe when life is "good". but when we are down on that floor, that's the test. prayers for you.

07-30-2006, 07:18 AM	#20 (permalink)
Wolfstarr Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Deeeep South Posts: 744	Hey Bozo, I like live missed seeing you with the rest of us nuts on the other forum! Glad to see your post here--you are worthy, good and loveable, Mike. I have missed you... Prayers and definitely a "vanilla" candle burning for you right now! Love you, Wolf

07-30-2006, 07:44 AM	#21 (permalink)
Got It At Least I Think I Do Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Earth Posts: 60	Hi Bozo, I had been sober from alcohol for 5 plus years. I too started abusing pain meds and after awhile my life became the unmanageable mess that it had been when I was drinking. When I look back into the past years, I find that I have always had "Secrets". I kept family secrets, snuck cigs when I told everyone I quit, had a love affair with Tanqeray in my closet or the laundry room, would go to different liquor stores so the cashier wouldn't become suspicous of my "secret", then I had this affair with pain meds, I bought off the internet and had to try to keep it a "secret" that the Fed Ex or UPS man was dropping off a package that was legit - on and on it goes!! I have always had a secret to keep in my life. Just realizing that has made me feel like a ton of cinder blocks has been lifted off of my mind and body. I too felt so much shame and anger that "I" who should have know better, found myself once again in the clutches of addiction. I have been sober now for 9 months. I am that grateful person again, the only difference between now and then is that when I go to meetings I say "I'm Carolyn and I am chemically depend"!!! I also think that I am working a better program and have yielded to the fact that I am an addict!!! You can get thru this - be honest with yourself and others around you. One day at a time!! (oh how I used to hate that saying)!!!!!! __________________ To oppose something is to maintain it............

07-30-2006, 08:36 AM	#22 (permalink)
liveweyerd Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: central Florida Posts: 7,210 Blog Entries: 5	I am so glad you are back, together we can get through anything! I made it off the xanax...and will never want it again, but because I'm nuts I am on valium now. Evenso, getting off the xanax made a wonderful world of difference for me. live/Tena __________________ Each small candle lights a corner of the dark....Roger Waters

07-30-2006, 07:27 PM	#23 (permalink)
Got It At Least I Think I Do Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Earth Posts: 60	How are you doing tonight Bozo? __________________ To oppose something is to maintain it............