Buzz's Swan Song: What I've learned about addiction & recovery

[Buzz Kilowatt]

I love SR and the folks here. I've received a lot of good advice and I've tried to give back some of the goodwill. Two problems, though: 1) I often repeat myself to different posters, and 2) I'm limited with respect to time.

I've got to redirect my resources . . . . time being the non-renewable one . . . and so I am going to become much less active on the forum. I will be pleased to answer any PMs if someone wants to contact me or keep in touch.

I thought it might be helpful to try to distill what I've learned about my own addiction and recovery in a single post . . . my swan song, if you will. I hope some of the info will be useful to others with their struggles. I certainly don't have the last word on this disease -- only one person's perspective.

My history: I used hydrocondone for 8-10 years, which eventually became 15 - 20 mg daily habit. I quit and relapsed a few times before I became "serious" about quitting. I tapered off to 7.5 mg. in a week or so, and then quit CT. To be honest, the 1st week sucked; the 2nd sucked a bit less, but I was well on the mend within a month. After about 2.5 months I felt "normal" again. After 3 months I was feeling great.

1. Addiction is a spiritual disease. Habitual drug abuse is only a superficial symptom. I abused drugs to avoid other aspects of living. I numbed myself emotionally and spiritually rather than confront life's challenges and issues. By doing that I "missed" some of the bad things, but more importantly, missed a lot more "good" things and the opportunity to grow.

2. At some point in the struggle, I realized that I had chosen death over life. There was the feeling that I was missing out on life, and indeed I was. This realization is what compelled me to quit. Also I was very concerned about the long-term side effects on my body of taking meds.

3. Swallowing opiates for 8-10 years was one way to try to avoid depression. But it had its price. Some people's depression is chemical but mine was not. Mine was situational / existential. It was never severe except during my teen years when I was stuck in a boarding school against my will and during my early 20's after my sister died. Treating the symptoms but not the underlying problem was convenient but useless over the long haul. I took the "easy" way by numbing the pain, but the wounds were still present. Duh.

4. I quit for a few weeks or a month at a time during that period. The withdrawals were pretty easy at first, but there was still some depression. When things got rough, or out of boredom, I started again. And then I experienced the "kindling effect", where each subsequent WD cycle was worse than the previous one. This last time - I've been sober about 7 months now - was a real bear and most unpleasant.

5. There are two strong motivators that keep me sober today: a) I don't ever want to experience WD again, and b) I really love the clarity of sobriety and the experience of reconnecting to the world. About 3 months when I was sober I went to a concert and nearly was moved to tears with the beauty of the experience, which I would have only have enjoyed in a muted way if I was buzzed.

6. Don't underestimate the value of pain in the recovery process. As I discovered, no pain, no gain. Pain is present when a child is born, then joy thereafter. The same with recovery. There are a lot of claims for alternative treatments like rapid detox under anaesthesia and Ibogaine therapy -- all intended to decrease the intensity or duration of discomfort. I'm not sure how well they work in the long term, but this is certain: they are expensive and have risks. I can't comment on Sub since I never tried it, but offhand it seems like a way to prolong the agony . . . As I mentioned, discomfort can be a very important part of the recovery process, and I think it should be embraced -- not avoided.

7. Whether one chooses CT or tapered withdrawal, etc. there is really no way to avoid pain and psychological discomfort, and one must be really ready to endure it, knowing this too shall pass. The pain is real. I enured my brain to expect these chemicals over many years, and when I stopped them, their absence was duly noted . . . But the brain has this wonderful ability to recover, even make new synaptic connections. It can and will heal, but it takes a bit of time - thank God, just a fraction of the time that I took the meds.

8. The depression I experienced in WD felt "chemical", but when you are in the hole it sometimes doesn't feel like you'll ever be able to crawl out. This is simply not true - the depression goes away, too, with time.

9. Initially I had good days and bad days. My digestive system became ultra sensitive. I couldn't each much of the stuff that I could before, and especially spicy foods, which I crave. Oh well. Some of the best days during recovery were "bad days" that were punctuated with the realization that things were getting better -- enjoying the beauty of the sunset, time with my kids, etc. and loving the difference. I could see progress and that was very reinforcing.

10. I did my homework and took some advice from David Arneson's site on methadone withdrawal as well as the "Thomas recipe." I think nutritional supplements were helpful, but how can you tell? What REALLY worked for me and made the bad days more bearable was swimming 1/2 a mile and meditating. Exercise would lift my depression for the rest of the day. I didn't do it every day but probably should have! Meditation helps to quiet and calm the mind.

11. For the stomach problems I took Immodium which worked well; for insomnia I'd infrequently take a very little Xanax (e.g. 0.0125 mg) but thankfully I don't like the stuff and was never compelled to make it a habit. It did help me to sleep on nights where I just "had to" get some rest. Thankfully, the sleep disturbances didn't last very long - less than 1 month.

12. During the process I didn't do meetings -- that's not for me, for other reasons -- but I "did" the group of SR, which was VERY helpful. I also discovered that it helped my own sobriety if I could reach out to others on their journey.

13. Now that I've recovered, I'm much more aware. My memory is better (but not perfect, as befits a 50 year-old), I'm loving life and others better too. I'm trying to take a good hard look at the emotional stuff I was trying so hard to run from, and I figure it may take the rest of my life to do that. That's the spiritual side I'm working on.

14. If you are struggling with addiction, learn all you can about your DOC and the standard (allopathic) treatments as well as the alternative ones. Psych yourself up. You are choosing life and I promise -- good things are just around the bend. Take it one day at a time and don't look back.

XOXOXO

Buzz

[PaperDolls]

((((Buzz))))

What a wonderful post! Thank you for sharing your story. You are a great inspiration.

~doll

[Done-With-It]

Thanks Buzz! I can relate to almost everything you said.
I Do and will miss talking and seeing you but thanks for
leaving us some good words.

I really like the part about the pain of withdraw. It's one
thing that stops me from just one more line more than I
can count.

Anyway, thanks again! Very much appreciated. I hope
you don't make yourself to scarce around here.

[angelgirl]

Oh Buzz,

I have learned alot from you, and I thank you for all you have given to SR..
You have given much.. You are such a sweet man.. Also very smart, and resourceful.. You will be greatly missed, although I understand your need to move on a bit. I am happy that you are willing to answer your PM's still.. I also hope you come around once in a while..

Like Ms. Done, I am grateful for the words of wisdom that you have left behind for everyone..

You will be sorely missed.. Take care of yourself.
You deserve the best in life. Go for it Buzz!!
I will say a prayer for you today!!

Love ya,,
Becky

[woops]

Hello Buzz
Just want to wish you luck now in everything you do.
I think its natural to start to withdraw from this SR forum as living life is what it all has to be about now? I'm not suggesting that addiction is anything from which we "recover" - and eternal vigilance is the cost? But I do think that we can change - change our behaviours and thoughts - so that we no longer want to "escape" rather than face reality. This change is so fundamental to recovery - and it does seem to be the basis of the 12 step programs and other recovery programs. Change has to happen or we will just return to addictive behaviour and to abusing substances. Seems so obvious now!
I so agree with what you write above - and armed with the self knowledge surely we can now get on with living life to the full. Like you - I can only say that life has been wonderful since giving up the pills - the clarity, colour, sounds.............. are just exhilirating. Work has become more challenging.................. and my only regrets are those wasted years when I accomplished absolutelty ZERO! In fact - I let so much pass me by................. yes - I am regretful of opportunities and friendships missed.
My story is not all that different to yours - using pain medication legitimately and then abusing for about 4 years.................. tapering down and then jumping off c/t at a suitable time. But unlike you - I did not take any supplements or benzos..................... something inside me just wanted to take nothing at all - allow myself to get better just in my body's own time................... no extra vitamins, no xanax.................. nothing. Now - I am not saying this is the right way to do it - but it was psychologically the only way for me to go - and at this point in time I am so happy to have done just that. I feel real victory and continue to this day to use nothing artificial. But I do try to exercise and eat well. That's not so hard!!
I havent attended AA or NA but have found such help, support and comfort in here - and will always pop in - just in case there is someone I think I might share something with.
You have been a fine travelling companion - along with many others - so I hope to see you in here from time to time?

Take care, Buzz
Woops

[Smyle]

Buzz....Well I am heartbroken to hear you are inching away from us....

I am also happy that you have been here for me and countless others, your advice and general concern for others has been immeasurable.

we are a lucky bunch to have had you to help us through the bad times and to share with you our good.

I will share this thread with any newcomers that may need some guidance, as I am a newcomer myself.. (ALWAYS) and am not always in a position-(mentally) to give advice.

I have enjoyed your insight and wit.......I may PM you if needed and Thank you for the open invite.....

Thanks Buzz~~~~~enjoy your journey ~~~~~

Peace and Love,

Beezy

[windysan]

Excellent Buzz. Please stay in touch with me. Your posts are wise and you offer lots of good help to those who still suffer. Don't be a stranger.

Live life, love life.

your friend in the swamp,
windysan

[mendingheart]

Buzz,
I have enjoyed reading all your posts, and so sad to hear you taking a detour.
We all must do what is best for us, and I am certain you feel confident about choosing another path for now.
Please do stop in from time to time, you will always be welcome.

[oreowing]

buzz, i have to say that im deeply saddened by your decision to leave sr, and happy for you that you feel that you have accomplished so much and touched so many lives here. the reason i know this, is because ive read most of your posts, and in the short time that i have been here, you've moved me and solidified my decisions to do the right thing. ive got along way to go and because of you and many others, i see light at the end of what was endless darkness. thank you, thank you, thank you, for all you've done for me in such a short time. you will be missed. ill send you pms on occassion to let you know how im doing, and dont feel obligated to reply. you know where to find me if you need anything. your new friend on the road to recovery, oreo

[northbelle]

Hey thank you my brother!! You are so right on..Alcohol and drugs are only a SYMPTOM of addiction. I am so happy and proud of you!! You sure the heck did choose life!! You have grown sooo much! see ya around!
love northbelle

[Done-With-It]

Bumps, In case more would like to read it!

[golfer99]

Nice read, Thanks

Golf

[ventuhome]

I'm printing out your post and sending it to the Hydrocodone Abuser in my family. Best of luck to you in your future endeavors and enjoy life!