How do you hang on? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Nevyn · 07-19-2006, 08:46 PM

One week ago I got my 30 day chip. I was feeling good about the way things were going but these past couple days things have been going downhill. I am just barely holding on to sobriety. This is getting harder, not easier, with every passing day. It is taking every fiber of my being not to walk out the door and lapse back into the comfortable ways. I am living minute to minute and I cannot focus on anything. Please please please tell me it won't be like this forever. Life seems more unmanageable than ever before.

Brad.

Smyle · 07-19-2006, 09:18 PM

I know it feels terrible I am at day 50 or so and I too am suddenly struggling ??? It comes and goes I just wish it would go and stay gone.

Hang in there and I wish you peace....

**Done-With-It** · 07-19-2006, 09:25 PM

It Does get easier. I have 8+ months off meth. Each day, week, month, you will get a bit stronger.

Do you have something else you can change your focus too? Any hobbies, or something you enjoy doing?

Hang in there, Don't give up. You have come to far!

sugarssweetpea · 07-19-2006, 09:25 PM

It will not always be this hard. I have 5 years from cocaine (along with other drugs, different sobriety dates). Coke was the most addictive one for me. It does get easier. It has with all of them. I will not say that I never have a thought enter my head about using, but when it does, it is so much easier now to see the lies for what they are ~ LIES. So much easier to look back & wonder why I thought what I was doing when I was high was so much fun. So much easier to look back at where I was then & the blessings I have received since quitting. So much easier to make the right choice & stay clean. I will tell you guys to hang in there b/c it is DEFINATELY worth it. You are worth it.

Nevyn · 07-19-2006, 11:23 PM

Thanks everyone. Still here, still trying not to pick up. I have hobbies but right now I am unable to focus enough to lose myself in any of them. I hate this feeling so out of control.

Zoro · 07-19-2006, 11:33 PM

Brad-
Congrats on 30 days. Sounds like you're in a very tough time.
I send my support to you, and will check back in frequently.

debmar · 07-20-2006, 02:40 AM

Nevyn, I lost my husband to cocaine overdose. (9mos). I've seen your struggle. It's so hard. But as they say in the meetings look at the BIG PICTURE when you want to walk out that door. Follow it through in your head doing it again, going back, and how you will feel if you did. You'll be sad to have lost your sobriety. Life may seem unmanagable right now, as they said above it does get easier, you really are for the first time in control of yourself, it must not seem like it but you are. Don't count numbers or days either, look at it as a life change. I eat healthy because I know the outcome, people who use the word diet set themsevles up to fail. It's a life choice, and you've made the right one. My husband was sober on his own for many years, got depressed, and after so many years had passed, he forgot don't take the first line, he forgot he can't control the drug, it controls him. His words to me I made the biggest mistake of my life, he did, he is gone so young and I'm a young widow after twenty-five years with my life. He was my life, I feel your fight of every fiber of yourself, I struggle to want to stay living without him every second of everyday, I know your feelings of feeling it will be easier in your old comfortable ways, I know if I left this world it would be easier, but sweetie were here we have to give a good fight, we are built to survive. God Bless You and I'm praying to my Angel in heaven specially for you. Love

**Peter** · 07-20-2006, 06:05 AM

Those feelings will pass. The rain must stop falling one day.

windysan · 07-20-2006, 06:36 AM

The fear of dopesickness keeps me away from the "comfortable life". It ain't so comfortable during the kick. The fear keeps me away. My family keeps me going.

DaddysGirl · 07-20-2006, 12:35 PM

Hey Brad...

Another good exercise to use would be to write down a list of pros/cons for "USING" and a list of pros/cons for "NOT USING." Then deeply and meticulously analyze that. It may help you to propel forward. Save it so you can look at it anytime a fleeting thought of using enters your mind.

Just try to make it through this day. Do not think about tomorrow until tomorrow.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

DG

P.S. Let us know how you're doing.

Blake · 07-20-2006, 01:18 PM

THis may sound a little over simplified, but its what works for me...

Don't use no matter what happens or how you feel.

I know that sounds hard or may even sound jackassish, but it really has helped me. I don't use no matter what happens or how much I want to b/c I know what using even on time will do for me. I can't control myself once I use even once. I will end up strung out again and then I'll have to detox again and the last detox I did was hell on earth and I promised myself if I lived through it, I'd never put myself through it again.

Drugs are an illusion, we believe that they will fix us and make us better, but it all lies. No matter how bad I feel or what horrible **** is going on in my life, if I use it WILL get worse.....that is what keeps me clean, knowing that the drugs just don't work anymore.

I have 17 months clean and it does get easier but from time to time, I still get using thoughts in my head...they just pop in out of nowhere. Realizing that they are just thoughts and that I don't HAVE to act on them has helped me alot. If I use, it is a choice that I make, I can't blame it on the dope anymore which is quite liberating.

Congrats on the 30 days, that's awesome.....stick around and keep on trucking!

carolm · 07-20-2006, 01:31 PM

Dear Nevyn,

Blake is right.You have to just make up your mind that no matter what happens, you will not use. I am a cocaine and narcotics addict. For me, the thought of sobering up again keeps me clean. But that does't mean it is easy. No matter what - don't use.

It does get better. It gets much better. Imagine not having that yoke around your neck - the one that tells you that you can't do anything without using. I have been clean and sober for 14 years, but every once in a while, I get a craving. I just have to think about what it took for me to get clean and then I remember why I don't use.

Oh, and it doesn't take 14 years to feel this way.

Stay strong. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

An AA member once told me: "One is too much, and a thousand is never enough."

Carol

Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing.

aasharon90 · 07-20-2006, 01:57 PM

Hi Im Sharon and im an Alcoholic.

Thanks Brad for sharing how u r feeling right now.

30 days and u have ur chip. GREAT..! I know ive heard others say that when they r feeling like u do they take the chip and place it between their teeth and clamp down on it till the feeling is gone. Carry ur chip with u at all times....hold it between ur fingertips and rub it. Just holding onto that accomplishment......no one can ever take that away from u. Remember it took u 30 one days at a time to get that chip. Thats a few one days at a time.

Dont look behind u because yesterday is gone and tomorrow hasnt gotten here yet. Just For Today. And that is what is sounds like u r doing.

Remember the merry-go-round u were on and how u hated how it made u feel...all dizzy and stuff. You dont have to get back on that again.

You will notice that the members that have stay sober and clean the longest have all done the same thing. They went to meetings......as a suggestion only, no one ever tells u what to do...u TELL me what to do then im outta here....but if u gently guide me and suggest things to me that work then i may do them....90 meetings in 90 days. I got into the habit of going so when i did feel vunerable or weak or squirrely then it was easy to get my butt to a meeting. Find someone u can talk to or call upon when u cant get to a meeting...just talking to someone in recovery can help u get out of urself and help them in the meantime. Maybe that person needs u to listen to them....

Where 2 or more people come together is a meeting, so it not always has to be a room full of people.....but u can hear things in a meeting that u can use for ur own recovery to help u get thru the day without using or drinking.

When i got in a place like u were...i read my Big Book, called someone, went to a meeting, found a hobby..which was baking somehting to bring to my meetings...u too can brink a bag of cookies....some guys do do that u know... : ) Set it right up there where the coffee pot is and watch people be drawn to u. : ) Honest.

Dont isolate and dont have any thing around u at home that would remind u of using or drinking..if its not there then u cant use it. Right?

All suggestions by a friendly AA member with a few yrs sobreity : ) 8-11-90

Hang on tight while others carry u till ur strong enough to stand on ur own. Thats what we r here for.

Also exercise ...running, jogging , lifting weights, riding a bike and more....is a good way to use ur energy, workout and feel better about urself and is healthy.

Thanks for letting me share.

Nevyn · 07-20-2006, 08:22 PM

Thanks all of you for taking the time to respond.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blake

THis may sound a little over simplified, but its what works for me...

Don't use no matter what happens or how you feel.

Blake, that makes the most sense out of everything that everyone has said to me.

For me, remembering the kick does not help. When I want to use, the last thing I am thinking about is kicking. I have been walking this tightrope for two days now and I cannot seem to get my head straight. So maybe you would call it a slip, I don't know, but I took some ultram. I guess I am stupid, I negotiate with myself, I tell myself it is better than shooting dope and if I don't do just a little something I am going to end up on the dope so it is the lesser of two evils, right? Problem is now I am feeling sick.

I went to two meetings today. I had to have someone go with me both times because I do not trust myself. I am supposed to be making an 8 hour drive this weekend to meet some friends, by myself. I am not sure if it is a good idea anymore. On the other hand, getting to see these people is a reward for being clean because I would not be going otherwise. My head is not in the right place. But if I do not go, I am losing out to addiction again aren't I? I do not want my addiction to rule my life.

Nevyn · 07-20-2006, 08:30 PM

I have not started step work yet. I need to get a sponsor. The last time I worked the steps I spent weeks on each one, but I think my heart was really not in it. I am not sure I was as brutally honest as I should have been.

I am going to try the pro's and cons list, thanks DG for the idea.

carolm · 07-21-2006, 11:33 AM

Hey Brad,

How are you doing today? Just Checking.

Take care.

Carol

DaddysGirl · 07-21-2006, 06:58 PM

Hey Brad....

I'm not far enough into my recovery process to be able to help you out with this one.

SO....when you find out.....please give me the heads up...lol... because I really want this to work for me!!!!!

Congrats on your 30 days!!!!!

Your Friend DG

windysan · 07-22-2006, 07:58 AM

30 days is a big @ss hump.

Now it's a choice.

Nevyn · 07-23-2006, 09:24 PM

Thanks all. I am doing OK. I decided not to make the trip after all. I guess it is good that I know my own patterns well enough not to trust myself, when you recognize your patterns you can avoid trouble. It does feel like a cop out not to meet it head on but better to do that than get loaded again I reckon.

The cravings have not subsided. I have been using Nyquil to sleep, probably because I have been drinking way too much coffee. I had a freaky thought today as I was using my machine to make coffee. There I had the basket, and milk jug and spoons... all this paraphernalia, much like what I got rid of not so long ago. Almost like I need this ritual?

Talk about a habit.

Buzz Kilowatt · 07-23-2006, 10:17 PM

Hey, not all habits are bad . . . take flossing your teeth for example.

If coffee helps you get through it, go for it. Don't drink it in the evening and you may not need that shot of Nyquil . . . .

Buzz

debmar · 07-27-2006, 04:56 AM

Hey Brad, your post on using ultram being better than the drug. The day my husband died, at straight up midnight I knew he was high. I asked him what he did, he said he snorted his zoloft given for his depression, I said what the hell did you do something so stupid for, he said I thought it was better than using the drug. He was very sick all night, I gave him a zyprexa to come down which is something he used as a green light to get high, he knew I'd give him that and he'd be fine again. Toward morning after the zyprexa he said see I'm all better now. We went to sleep that day, we work nights and that's the last time I saw him five minutes more of his life before I called 911. He substituted with vicodin snorting, cold pills when he did'nt have the ****. He still went back to the drug, it just keeps it going. You know the whole act, I would tell him if he snorted air and wanted to he'd get high. Remember the most important thing many users don't realize, say you do overdose, how about when the paramedics CAN'T SAVE YOU. This was my worst fear, if I ever had to call them, and it came true. I watched them NOT save my beautiful husband, who loved to live. I watched him die as I called 911 they let him go all the way to convulsing before they even got here and we're right around the corner from the paramedics. He convulsed so bad he bit right through his tongue, I seen when I viewed his turning blue body. He escaped concequences from cocaine snorting for years, ten years sober, relapse, and gone in one little year at 41. The lesson to learn from him is, you need to work a program and change your ways. Like you said you know you and you did'nt go on the trip, smart move. Keep that up. When my husband was using I'd get visions in my head, I seen cocaine driving behind the wheel of our car, and my husband tied up in ropes being dragged to his death as it speeds. Weird vision but I guess it did happen, that's well before he passed I envisioned that. I had another one where I seen a straw and cocaine was snorting him through it.

Nevyn · 07-31-2006, 10:45 PM

I am still not counting the ultram. If I do, I will lose all hope. I have not used anything since then, not even tylenol. I took a calculated risk and it worked out the way I planned. I do recognize that it was addict behavior and hence not a good thing but the way I see it recognizing it is part of beating this thing and I am not going to punish myself for realizing my own limitations and taking necessary steps to prevent disaster. Yeah I probably am lying to myself but at least I am not using.

felicity · 07-31-2006, 10:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blake

THis may sound a little over simplified, but its what works for me...

Don't use no matter what happens or how you feel.

I know that sounds hard or may even sound jackassish, but it really has helped me. I don't use no matter what happens or how much I want to b/c I know what using even on time will do for me. I can't control myself once I use even once. I will end up strung out again and then I'll have to detox again and the last detox I did was hell on earth and I promised myself if I lived through it, I'd never put myself through it again.

Drugs are an illusion, we believe that they will fix us and make us better, but it all lies. No matter how bad I feel or what horrible **** is going on in my life, if I use it WILL get worse.....that is what keeps me clean, knowing that the drugs just don't work anymore.

I have 17 months clean and it does get easier but from time to time, I still get using thoughts in my head...they just pop in out of nowhere. Realizing that they are just thoughts and that I don't HAVE to act on them has helped me alot. If I use, it is a choice that I make, I can't blame it on the dope anymore which is quite liberating.

Congrats on the 30 days, that's awesome.....stick around and keep on trucking!

Sometimes being a bit of a jackass is what it takes to stay sober and happy.

I agree with you, Blake. Don't use no matter what.

I've found that the longer I stay sober, the tougher I get. Maybe not in the most appealing way to others, but in a way that makes me stronger and keeps me sober.

Some of the healthiest people I know (with no addiction problems, very few relationship problems), are actually a little on the mean side. They live comfortably in reality and don't respect others' needs for denial, since they themselves have little need for it.

(((Brad))) Please don't use. Write down all the reasons that you want to use. Talk to your therapist about them. Cry and throw things if you need to. But don't use.

Nevyn · 08-03-2006, 05:35 PM

Hey folks, just checking in. Still here, still not using. Trying very hard to improve my frame of mind and quit making excuses. I have not been putting the effort that I should be into recovery. I am afraid of life without my drugs.

07-19-2006, 08:46 PM	#1 (permalink)
Nevyn Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Boston, MA Posts: 93	How do you hang on? One week ago I got my 30 day chip. I was feeling good about the way things were going but these past couple days things have been going downhill. I am just barely holding on to sobriety. This is getting harder, not easier, with every passing day. It is taking every fiber of my being not to walk out the door and lapse back into the comfortable ways. I am living minute to minute and I cannot focus on anything. Please please please tell me it won't be like this forever. Life seems more unmanageable than ever before. Brad. __________________ Brad Looking for a white flag.

07-19-2006, 09:25 PM	#3 (permalink)
Done-With-It InAButtonKindOfWay. Seriously? Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Hollywood Posts: 8,250 Blog Entries: 15	It Does get easier. I have 8+ months off meth. Each day, week, month, you will get a bit stronger. Do you have something else you can change your focus too? Any hobbies, or something you enjoy doing? Hang in there, Don't give up. You have come to far! __________________ Living in fast forward Hollywood RockStar outta control Need to rewind real slow Alwys Runin Time to take control Oh yeah ...

07-19-2006, 09:25 PM	#4 (permalink)
sugarssweetpea Growing, Learning, Living Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Vacationing on earth Posts: 837	It will not always be this hard. I have 5 years from cocaine (along with other drugs, different sobriety dates). Coke was the most addictive one for me. It does get easier. It has with all of them. I will not say that I never have a thought enter my head about using, but when it does, it is so much easier now to see the lies for what they are ~ LIES. So much easier to look back & wonder why I thought what I was doing when I was high was so much fun. So much easier to look back at where I was then & the blessings I have received since quitting. So much easier to make the right choice & stay clean. I will tell you guys to hang in there b/c it is DEFINATELY worth it. You are worth it. __________________ But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well. ~ Matthew 6:33 Sugarssweetpea

07-19-2006, 11:23 PM	#5 (permalink)
Nevyn Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Boston, MA Posts: 93	Thanks everyone. Still here, still trying not to pick up. I have hobbies but right now I am unable to focus enough to lose myself in any of them. I hate this feeling so out of control. __________________ Brad Looking for a white flag.

07-20-2006, 02:40 AM	#7 (permalink)
debmar debbleslosthermarbles Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: ChicagoBurbs Posts: 76	Nevyn, I lost my husband to cocaine overdose. (9mos). I've seen your struggle. It's so hard. But as they say in the meetings look at the BIG PICTURE when you want to walk out that door. Follow it through in your head doing it again, going back, and how you will feel if you did. You'll be sad to have lost your sobriety. Life may seem unmanagable right now, as they said above it does get easier, you really are for the first time in control of yourself, it must not seem like it but you are. Don't count numbers or days either, look at it as a life change. I eat healthy because I know the outcome, people who use the word diet set themsevles up to fail. It's a life choice, and you've made the right one. My husband was sober on his own for many years, got depressed, and after so many years had passed, he forgot don't take the first line, he forgot he can't control the drug, it controls him. His words to me I made the biggest mistake of my life, he did, he is gone so young and I'm a young widow after twenty-five years with my life. He was my life, I feel your fight of every fiber of yourself, I struggle to want to stay living without him every second of everyday, I know your feelings of feeling it will be easier in your old comfortable ways, I know if I left this world it would be easier, but sweetie were here we have to give a good fight, we are built to survive. God Bless You and I'm praying to my Angel in heaven specially for you. Love __________________ DO WHAT YOU CAN AND THEN PRAY THAT GOD WILL GIVE YOU THE POWER TO DO WHAT YOU CANNOT *St. Augustine* SOY, PALOMA BLANCA DEBBBIE

07-19-2006, 09:18 PM	#2 (permalink)
Smyle Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Newfie-Land, Mo Posts: 1,623	I know it feels terrible I am at day 50 or so and I too am suddenly struggling ??? It comes and goes I just wish it would go and stay gone. Hang in there and I wish you peace....

07-19-2006, 11:33 PM	#6 (permalink)
Zoro Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Colorado Posts: 154	Brad- Congrats on 30 days. Sounds like you're in a very tough time. I send my support to you, and will check back in frequently.

07-20-2006, 06:05 AM	#8 (permalink)
Peter Moderator Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Leaving Sparta Posts: 2,552	Those feelings will pass. The rain must stop falling one day.

07-20-2006, 06:36 AM	#9 (permalink)
windysan Large Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: La Posts: 3,483	The fear of dopesickness keeps me away from the "comfortable life". It ain't so comfortable during the kick. The fear keeps me away. My family keeps me going.

07-20-2006, 12:35 PM	#10 (permalink)
DaddysGirl Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Ruston, LA Posts: 16	Hey Brad... Another good exercise to use would be to write down a list of pros/cons for "USING" and a list of pros/cons for "NOT USING." Then deeply and meticulously analyze that. It may help you to propel forward. Save it so you can look at it anytime a fleeting thought of using enters your mind. Just try to make it through this day. Do not think about tomorrow until tomorrow. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. DG P.S. Let us know how you're doing.

07-20-2006, 01:18 PM	#11 (permalink)
Blake I'm an addict. Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Hyde Park, NY Posts: 1,201	THis may sound a little over simplified, but its what works for me... Don't use no matter what happens or how you feel. I know that sounds hard or may even sound jackassish, but it really has helped me. I don't use no matter what happens or how much I want to b/c I know what using even on time will do for me. I can't control myself once I use even once. I will end up strung out again and then I'll have to detox again and the last detox I did was hell on earth and I promised myself if I lived through it, I'd never put myself through it again. Drugs are an illusion, we believe that they will fix us and make us better, but it all lies. No matter how bad I feel or what horrible ** is going on in my life, if I use it WILL get worse.....that is what keeps me clean, knowing that the drugs just don't work anymore. I have 17 months clean and it does get easier but from time to time, I still get using thoughts in my head...they just pop in out of nowhere. Realizing that they are just thoughts and that I don't HAVE to act on them has helped me alot. If I use, it is a choice that I make, I can't blame it on the dope anymore which is quite liberating. Congrats on the 30 days, that's awesome.....stick around and keep on trucking! __________________ Warning:** I'm a sick person so take any advice I may be spewing with a grain of salt, but it's what has worked for me, so far.

07-20-2006, 01:31 PM	#12 (permalink)
carolm Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 181	Dear Nevyn, Blake is right.You have to just make up your mind that no matter what happens, you will not use. I am a cocaine and narcotics addict. For me, the thought of sobering up again keeps me clean. But that does't mean it is easy. No matter what - don't use. It does get better. It gets much better. Imagine not having that yoke around your neck - the one that tells you that you can't do anything without using. I have been clean and sober for 14 years, but every once in a while, I get a craving. I just have to think about what it took for me to get clean and then I remember why I don't use. Oh, and it doesn't take 14 years to feel this way. Stay strong. My thoughts and prayers are with you. An AA member once told me: "One is too much, and a thousand is never enough." Carol Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing.

07-20-2006, 01:57 PM	#13 (permalink)
aasharon90 Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Baton Rouge, La. Posts: 2,726	Hi Im Sharon and im an Alcoholic. Thanks Brad for sharing how u r feeling right now. 30 days and u have ur chip. GREAT..! I know ive heard others say that when they r feeling like u do they take the chip and place it between their teeth and clamp down on it till the feeling is gone. Carry ur chip with u at all times....hold it between ur fingertips and rub it. Just holding onto that accomplishment......no one can ever take that away from u. Remember it took u 30 one days at a time to get that chip. Thats a few one days at a time. Dont look behind u because yesterday is gone and tomorrow hasnt gotten here yet. Just For Today. And that is what is sounds like u r doing. Remember the merry-go-round u were on and how u hated how it made u feel...all dizzy and stuff. You dont have to get back on that again. You will notice that the members that have stay sober and clean the longest have all done the same thing. They went to meetings......as a suggestion only, no one ever tells u what to do...u TELL me what to do then im outta here....but if u gently guide me and suggest things to me that work then i may do them....90 meetings in 90 days. I got into the habit of going so when i did feel vunerable or weak or squirrely then it was easy to get my butt to a meeting. Find someone u can talk to or call upon when u cant get to a meeting...just talking to someone in recovery can help u get out of urself and help them in the meantime. Maybe that person needs u to listen to them.... Where 2 or more people come together is a meeting, so it not always has to be a room full of people.....but u can hear things in a meeting that u can use for ur own recovery to help u get thru the day without using or drinking. When i got in a place like u were...i read my Big Book, called someone, went to a meeting, found a hobby..which was baking somehting to bring to my meetings...u too can brink a bag of cookies....some guys do do that u know... : ) Set it right up there where the coffee pot is and watch people be drawn to u. : ) Honest. Dont isolate and dont have any thing around u at home that would remind u of using or drinking..if its not there then u cant use it. Right? All suggestions by a friendly AA member with a few yrs sobreity : ) 8-11-90 Hang on tight while others carry u till ur strong enough to stand on ur own. Thats what we r here for. Also exercise ...running, jogging , lifting weights, riding a bike and more....is a good way to use ur energy, workout and feel better about urself and is healthy. Thanks for letting me share. __________________ "A FRIEND IN NEED IS A FRIEND INDEED" SHARON M. Baton Rouge, La. 8-11-90 "Made A Decision To Turn My Will And Life Over To The Care Of God As I Understand Him."

07-20-2006, 08:30 PM	#15 (permalink)
Nevyn Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Boston, MA Posts: 93	I have not started step work yet. I need to get a sponsor. The last time I worked the steps I spent weeks on each one, but I think my heart was really not in it. I am not sure I was as brutally honest as I should have been. I am going to try the pro's and cons list, thanks DG for the idea. __________________ Brad Looking for a white flag.

07-21-2006, 11:33 AM	#16 (permalink)
carolm Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 181	Hey Brad, How are you doing today? Just Checking. Take care. Carol

07-21-2006, 06:58 PM	#17 (permalink)
DaddysGirl Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Ruston, LA Posts: 16	Hey Brad.... I'm not far enough into my recovery process to be able to help you out with this one. SO....when you find out.....please give me the heads up...lol... because I really want this to work for me!!!!! Congrats on your 30 days!!!!! Your Friend DG

07-22-2006, 07:58 AM	#18 (permalink)
windysan Large Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: La Posts: 3,483	30 days is a big @ss hump. Now it's a choice.

07-23-2006, 09:24 PM	#19 (permalink)
Nevyn Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Boston, MA Posts: 93	Thanks all. I am doing OK. I decided not to make the trip after all. I guess it is good that I know my own patterns well enough not to trust myself, when you recognize your patterns you can avoid trouble. It does feel like a cop out not to meet it head on but better to do that than get loaded again I reckon. The cravings have not subsided. I have been using Nyquil to sleep, probably because I have been drinking way too much coffee. I had a freaky thought today as I was using my machine to make coffee. There I had the basket, and milk jug and spoons... all this paraphernalia, much like what I got rid of not so long ago. Almost like I need this ritual? Talk about a habit. __________________ Brad Looking for a white flag.

07-23-2006, 10:17 PM	#20 (permalink)
Buzz Kilowatt Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Terminus, GA Posts: 477	Hey, not all habits are bad . . . take flossing your teeth for example. If coffee helps you get through it, go for it. Don't drink it in the evening and you may not need that shot of Nyquil . . . . Buzz

07-27-2006, 04:56 AM	#21 (permalink)
debmar debbleslosthermarbles Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: ChicagoBurbs Posts: 76	Hey Brad, your post on using ultram being better than the drug. The day my husband died, at straight up midnight I knew he was high. I asked him what he did, he said he snorted his zoloft given for his depression, I said what the hell did you do something so stupid for, he said I thought it was better than using the drug. He was very sick all night, I gave him a zyprexa to come down which is something he used as a green light to get high, he knew I'd give him that and he'd be fine again. Toward morning after the zyprexa he said see I'm all better now. We went to sleep that day, we work nights and that's the last time I saw him five minutes more of his life before I called 911. He substituted with vicodin snorting, cold pills when he did'nt have the **. He still went back to the drug, it just keeps it going. You know the whole act, I would tell him if he snorted air and wanted to he'd get high. Remember the most important thing many users don't realize, say you do overdose, how about when the paramedics CAN'T SAVE YOU. This was my worst fear, if I ever had to call them, and it came true. I watched them NOT save my beautiful husband, who loved to live. I watched him die as I called 911 they let him go all the way to convulsing before they even got here and we're right around the corner from the paramedics. He convulsed so bad he bit right through his tongue, I seen when I viewed his turning blue body. He escaped concequences from cocaine snorting for years, ten years sober, relapse, and gone in one little year at 41. The lesson to learn from him is, you need to work a program and change your ways. Like you said you know you and you did'nt go on the trip, smart move. Keep that up. When my husband was using I'd get visions in my head, I seen cocaine driving behind the wheel of our car, and my husband tied up in ropes being dragged to his death as it speeds. Weird vision but I guess it did happen, that's well before he passed I envisioned that. I had another one where I seen a straw and cocaine was snorting him through it. __________________ DO WHAT YOU CAN AND THEN PRAY THAT GOD WILL GIVE YOU THE POWER TO DO WHAT YOU CANNOT St. Augustine** SOY, PALOMA BLANCA DEBBBIE

07-31-2006, 10:45 PM	#22 (permalink)
Nevyn Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Boston, MA Posts: 93	I am still not counting the ultram. If I do, I will lose all hope. I have not used anything since then, not even tylenol. I took a calculated risk and it worked out the way I planned. I do recognize that it was addict behavior and hence not a good thing but the way I see it recognizing it is part of beating this thing and I am not going to punish myself for realizing my own limitations and taking necessary steps to prevent disaster. Yeah I probably am lying to myself but at least I am not using. __________________ Brad Looking for a white flag.

08-03-2006, 05:35 PM	#24 (permalink)
Nevyn Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Boston, MA Posts: 93	Hey folks, just checking in. Still here, still not using. Trying very hard to improve my frame of mind and quit making excuses. I have not been putting the effort that I should be into recovery. I am afraid of life without my drugs. __________________ Brad Looking for a white flag.