Cocaine Still Has Me In Bondage,in Hell

[debmar]

Hi, I have'nt posted here since my husbands cocaine overdose, forgive me but I feel the need. Just like your triggers, I have flashbacks. They are Tivo'd in my mind forever. It's going to be eight months on memorial day, memorial day was just a day off for me before, not anymore. I'll be remembering alright. Graphic content coming, how cocaine murders you. My husband and I woke up that day, well he was'nt sleeping of course. He made my coffee everday of my life, even tried one more time before he died, only got as far as turning on the pot. I was coming out of the bedroom, he was walking down the hallway, his legs started to shake and tremble, nothing I have ever seen before, they looked like rubberbands. He stumbled back into the bed, asked me to get him a cookie he had'nt eaten all day. I made him drink a slimfast for something to eat always when he used, he drank it before we went to bed. My God that was his last meal. On death row I think you can even request a steak, right? He ate the cookie and started to stop breathing, I ran to call 911, on the phone at his side, he went from not breathing to all of a sudden, a burst of energy came over him he rose up out of the bed moaning, not screaming, a fierce horrid moaning over and over again, like a scared to death literally sound, he dropped to the floor and started convulsing, he convulsed so bad, he bit right through his tongue.It seemed forever for the paramedics to arrive their right around the F$#corner from our house. The huge paramedic pumped manually his heart over and over and over again, it stopped, I watched, mine stopped as well, I silently screamed in my head so they would'nt make me leave, they all panicked screaming his heart stopped, it started and it stopped, three strikes he was out, but I did'nt know he was gone, they deceive you to spare themselves the drama, they rolled him out with his eyes open so I thought he was still alive, he was not. I listen to the 911 tape and torture myself from time to time, and his last words on the tape were OH, OH, OH like when your in excruciating pain. My beautiful intelligent sober for ten years husband was taken in one year with the crap their mixing on the street. It's like watching your husband, mother, child, stand still in the street and watch in slowmo as the car comes and crashes into them, and you can't do a damn thing. I'm sure you have a friend that OD'd but in case you've never seen what the end looks like and feels like, it's going to cause me damage for the rest of my life and I wish that he would come down and get me, because seeing that I don't think I can make it, the pain is too much to bear. This site and everybody on here has been the only thing holding my hand as I am in quicksand. We were together since I was sixteen, he was eighteen, I know the life you use it's just another day, for us it was, I was pissed, he was using, but only I remain and I hate the reflection in the mirror I see because it's only F&* me. Debbie It's like I am on cocaine going thorugh hell it's still after me, and I don't use.

[BSPGirl]

Your story made me cry, almost. I, too, OD'ed on cocaine but lived to tell.

[emilyajb]

Debmar

I am a cocaine addict, i have now been clean for 14 months i done the detox and the rehab 7 months in all.

Before i went to detox i tried to end my life attemted suicide,my 2 sons found me i cringe with shame over that.

Your story was very touching and it brought me back to when i used, i am sorry for your loss.

Sincerley

Emily

[Phinneas]

Oh Deb... I am so, so, SO sorry.

Are you getting councelling for PTSD? Please take care of yourself, dear. This kind of trauma never goes away, but you can find peace.

(...)

[Peter]

Sad tragic story but with a powerful message.Thanks for your courage Debs.

[Tori Girl]

By typing your story here...you have made SO MANY people think about what they are doing to themselves.

There are people who just stop in... not sober yet..wondering if they should sober up. See your post and it's a reality check. We all have loved ones in our lives that we would hate to hurt. And we don't realize that what we are doing also hurts them.

I think he would be really proud of you that you are sharing his story...that his death will help save MANY lives. it's quite spiritual.

He is still with you in spirit. You are a stronger woman now. Thank you for sharing your story. You are beautiful.

[angelgirl]

Oh Darlin,,

I am so terribly sorry.. If I could only reach out and hug you...

Your post is so filled with pain. I know, you are so filled with pain, and if there was anything anyone of us could do to take that away, we would. The only thing we can do, is to carry our message, and stay clean, and talk to you, and care about you, and we DO CARE ABOUT YOU, VERY MUCH!!

You see a therapist right? Ya know, I haven't lost my husband, so I don't know what that is like, but I have lost an addict in my life, a very, very special one. My mom, and it has affected me horrible, and taken me years, and years to even begin to deal with.
It hurts alot.. I know that pain I read in your post..Please Deb, don't stop getting help. It takes a long time..

He loved you so much,. Please, don't ever forget that. I know, just gfrom all the things you say. I didn't have to know him,. He doesn't want you to stop living, you are strong. It's important to do all you can to get help.. Have you tried a support group?
That might be a really good idea? I don't know what you think, but to meet others that know just what you have been through, may be a good thing for you.. I find alot of comfort in church, and the bible. I really do. It's what keeps me sane, in this insane world.

Deb, we love you..

Thanks for sharing,. It's important to share, for you, and for the others out there that are still suffering from this addiction..

Love ya,,
Prayers,
Becky

[Christian]

OMG, this is a chilling ... thank you for posting but sorry for your loss and what you have to go through.

[roadie58]

Deb, thank you for sharing your pain. There was no one with me the couple times I tried to end it all with cocaine. I'd been doing minimum of a couple grams a day, sometimes an eight ball overnight - for months. Heartache over a love interest gone terribly sour made me feel guilty and ashamed. Although I'd been in and out of AA for a couple of years, I couldn't stop. I kept relapsing, mainly on coke, but always bought a bottle as I snorted in the car on the way home from the dealers.

I actually tried to do enough cocaine to kill me, but woke up instead. I remember a friend telling me I'd called them at 7 am, huffing and barely able to breath, I know now that I was on the verge of respiritory arrest at that time. I called and left another message about 'tell**** I love her'. and those were my final dying words.

I woke up, it took three days of the shakes before I could face the sunlight and go outside. It was hell, but not like you're going through.

Please stop listening to the 911 tape (how do you get ahold of those, and why?). Don't torture yourself, there was nothing you could have done that night or any other night. You knew he was an addict.

Perhaps some al-anon or nar-anon might help you understand your part in life, at the very least you might be able to share and help some other people. You have helped me to not want to do coke. This might be your new purpose, to help others.

I will pray for you tonight. Keep on posting, I know it helps.

Michael

[Christian]

oh snap Roadie, i didn't konw you were that bad either. wow i guess you are really lucky to be alive.

lets pour out liquor for those who weren't able to make it

(sips grape juice instead)

[mendingheart]

Thank you for sharing your painful story. I think many here have had thoughts of the what if's during our mates addictions.......How incredibly chilling to read.
I am so sorry for your loss.....my heart goes out to you.