Made up my mind yesterday

[DavidAames]

Well I finally decided to get help. I just spent a few hours reading posts here and decided it was time for me to post. A week ago I was dumped by my girlfriend. I loved her more than anything. She was the only girl I have every loved, only girl I have ever not cheated on, only girl I have ever trusted. We have been together for a few years(known each other since we were kids), altho we had broken up a couple times during that period. It was always over my addiction to marijuana. We both saw it, but neither of us were strong enough to help me battle it. She never helped me personally, she just broke up with me and ran away from the situation. I quit for a while and I didnt smoke weed, usually drinking a lil more than usual to compensate. I got her back, but it always started back up and got out of control, and screwed up things again. The thing that bothered me was that she told me I should smoke again cause I was so depressed not smoking. She also told me she would say when I should stop, but she didn't. She left me without a warning. It killed me inside to think I wasn't worth saving. She told me she loved me, told me we would have kids, live together in the future, everything I wanted to hear, except that I had a problem.

So now I am sitting here lonely. Thinking about the things that contributed to our breakup. Guess what? Its all my fault, even if she didnt warn me. I knew all along I was a drug addict. I told everyone, but I expected them to help me, not expect me to help myself. I was so ******* dumb. I hate myself so much for it, which is part of the problem. I want to be self destructive.

Well yesterday I decided to do some searching online. Read about people getting help, conquering their demons, and decided I should do it too. I sat down and talked to my father, whom I still live with. I am 23 and have been a drug addict for six years since my parents divorce. He also used drugs as a young adult. My mother has always been an addict, and while I don't try to blame her, I know its all genetic and she passed it on to me, but **** that stupid bitch(another story). I told him how depressed I am about my girlfriend leaving me. I have been so suicidal but decided that I should repair myself instead of causing more damage.

I hope to start attending a meeting on saturday. My dad is looking at all the choices friday but I got a backup plan incase I can't get to a meeting he finds until next week. I am so ready to talk to someone about the problems I had and how I don't want them to continue. I will attend NA for sure. Thank you anyone for reading this and giving their opinion and advice. I really appreciate it.

PS. There is so many things I could say about why I started doing drugs but I figured I would keep this post somewhat short. I hope that I can hang around this board forever and overcome my addiction. I feel I'll reveal everything before its all done with.

[best]

Hello David

Welcome

It is good to see that you know where the problem is. Not her fault.
Your choices.

OK Now lighten up on yourself. Not only have you reached the point of seeking answers, you have found a huge answer already and seem ready to do something about it.

Congratulations. Great choice. Yes NA will give you great support and a wonderful place to gather info. If you can't find NA, go to AA and just replace alcohol with weed in your thoughts as you listen.

So don't be so rough on yourself. You have already made some huge steps in the right direction. That is worth so much. Good for you.

[Done-With-It]

Welcome to SR! I'm sorry about the girlfriend, but you are on the right track. We've got a great group here and you'll fit in just great!
We have several here who are dealing with MJ.
Glad you are here, Looking forward to seeing you around!

[Hope]

Welcome and good for you for seeking answers! That is so huge and you are definitely on the right track. Sometimes it takes the problems that using causes to really wake us up to the fact that there is a problem. If nothing ever went wrong for us, then we would probably never think there was any problem at all. One day you will feel grateful with how things played out because when you learn to live life without using and enjoy it, you will be so glad to finally have the full experience of what it means to truly live life. I'm so sorry that you are experiencing pain though. I know how you feel. Keep on seeking help. Life is much better without drugs. I'm proud of you for taking that very important very step to ask for help. BIG MOVE! Be proud of yourself!

[Time4Change]

Hi David! I'm so glad you found us and that you've done some reading of posts and decided to jump in. Excellent intro, friend! I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. This WILL pass, I promise you. I am so excited to read that you'll be hitting an NA meeting Saturday! I have been regularly attending NA for almost a year now, and it's THE best decision I've ever made in my life. Thank God for the rooms of NA and its members. Drugs are only part of our problem. I'm now learning to live life clean, and I'm finally figuring out who I am, why I do the things I do, how to mend relationships, how to ask for help and admit my faults, how to love and accept myself, how to love and accept others, even those who've hurt me. NA is giving me a serenity in my life that I've never had before. I have friends now who love and accept me, and who'll be there for me whenever I need them. I was in your shoes just 11 months ago, and I never would've believed my life would be so good today.

I'm glad you can talk to your dad and that he's understanding about the addiction in both your lives. I'm sorry that you and your mom are in a bad place right now, but someday, who knows, you may be closer than you'd ever have imagined. But for now, put those troubles with your girlfriend, your mom, etc. aside and put YOU first. Be good to yourself. Be proud of yourself for making this big decision and for reaching out for help, for admitting your life has become unmanageable and that you want to quit drugs.

You can do this, David! Keep posting and reading, k? And thank you for helping my recovery, too. God bless.

Kelly

[DavidAames]

Thank you everyone for the kind words. I am so weak right now. I hate alcohol, yet I drink it right now. I am not smoking like usual but I feel i need to get away from reality. I think its not as bad cause it isnt weed which is my addiction. But then I realize that escaping reality is my addiction which includes any drug whether alcohol, marijuana, whatever else. I wish there would have been a meeting tonight, maybe I wouldnt be in this position. All I know is that I want to get better. I am gonna go to the meeting saturday night, and I will change. As much as I want to give up, I can't. Its sorda about me, its more about her. I know I shouldnt use her as an excuse to get better, but I am. I don't see the problem as long as I fix my problem. Everyone tells me to get over her, but that is impossible. I love her too much. She is all I think about. I try to be mad at her for breaking my heart but I can't. At the worst, I fix myself, can't get her back, and am in a better position than when she left me since I am no longer a drug addict.

[best]

Originally Posted by DavidAames

At the worst, I fix myself, can't get her back, and am in a better position than when she left me since I am no longer a drug addict.

Or you can say...at best...
You fix yourself and even if you don't get her back, you are a person in better shape for youself and will be a better match for another if that be what comes along. When we fix us...others will benifit by default. So if you do for you, you do for her anyway. Even if you didn't get back together, she will still be happy for you all the same.

Do it for you and in doing so...others will enjoy as well.

[Peter]

Welcome David, and I am happy to hear of your decision to quit. Just bear in mind that a decision without action is only fantasy.

[Tori Girl]

Hey David,

I just had my year anniversary. Haven't done weed in a year. Looking back...I would hardly belive it was possible. I thought I would end up smoking until I was really old...cause I couldn't see how I was ever going to quit. It was my anti-depressant, it was my decompressor after a hard day at work...it was everything I needed it to be. I didn't even want to quit. I thought it was ok to do it..cause it was helping me so much. And I would rather do that ...than do an anti-depressant..which made me not feel like myself at all. At least I still felt like me when I was on pot.

Anyways...we moved and I had no way of getting it. I went through mental withdrawls and got crazy and violent. I didn't realize how much I was supressing by smoking. And how I was no longer able to deal with my problems on my own. I tried drinking...but quickly realized...I need to deal with stuff on my own. I need to learn a way without a substance helping me. It was like a rebuilding of myself. I am learning how to deal with stress and conflict in a new way.

I still get depressed at times and feel like I am going to lose control...but it is so mild compared to when I first started. It seems to get better with time and when I learn new ways of dealing with everything.

So all I wanna say to you is....please hang in there and strive to deal with your problems on your own..without the weed ..or drinking..or anything else. Time will pass and you will get stronger and stronger. If you wanna be addicted to something...get addicted to eating better and exercising. It will speed up the process of the detoxing. I started juicing. I even own my own Juice Bar now.

I know it's hard...but try not to dwell on the girl. If it's meant to be ..it will happen. If you work on yourself and do some of the things I mentioned...you will definatly be more attractive to her. She might even admire you.

You are welcome to message me...or add me to your msn messenger. I am here if you need to talk.

[DavidAames]

Thanks for the words of wisdom Tori. Your story sounds so familiar. Especially about thinking weed would be better than anti-depressent pills. Now I am starting to see thats as far from the truth as can be. Depression is a big problem with me that now seems to be caused by what I thought was the medicine.

I went to my first NA meeting last night. It was interesting. I will be attending another tonight, and another the next night and the next night and so on. I still don't have 1 day clean. I smoked last night since I was getting sick and hadnt eaten in a day. I am proud of myself tho. Thats once in 24 hours instead of once every hour. Cold turkey just doesnt work so well for me so I am tapering off. Luckily my dad is cool enough to understand and he is holding my weed so I don't smoke all day like usual.

Well I think I am gonna take your other advice Tori and go work out. Thanks to everyone for their support. I got a bunch of phone numbers last night but I would much more prefer online typing instead.