need to quit percocet

[whathaveidone]

Hi, this is my official cry for help. I've never told anyone this and I'm so happy i've found a site where I can remain anonymous.

I have a mental addiction to percocet. And it's horrible. I cannot function without it. I never seem to go through physical withdrawals. It's all mental. I feel like I cannot do anything. I cry all the time. I can go MONTHS without taking any percs but nothing ever changes. I feel like I've done irreversable damage to myself. Like I tricked my brain into only feeling any sort of pleasure if percs are in my system. If they aren't there, I am numb. I have a husband and 4 kids. I seriously take them for their sake. If I don't take them, I lie on the couch and I am miserable. If I take them, I'm up and happy and doing things with them.

I don't get how I can ever have a normal life if I don't take these things. I've screwed myself up so completely that I cannot bear life feeling so low.

I suffered from severe depression my entire life. Then one day I took one and BAM, the depression was gone. GONE. I've been on antidepressants my entire life and NOTHING made it go away. Nothing.

I feel like dying because I cannot live without these things. Believe me, I've tried. I went almost a while I was pregnant and it was horrible. I just was that miserable nothing self that didn't feel a thing. So after the baby I got some and just instantly I loved the kids, I just loved. I didn't feel HIGH or wasted. I just FELT. What am I going to do? I am screwed.

[golf99]

You came to the right place, it helped me (18 days removed from hydro's, perc's and benzo's). I also took opiates to enjoy life, But I was only fooling myself. Taking pain pills to break depression does not work. Yea, maybe at first but you build a tolerence and need more and more..just to feel normal.

You need to find joy in your life as a sober Mother and Wife. If you don't, you will hit rock bottom. Nothing good EVER came from abusing drugs...EVER.

Be strong and quit. You will find inner strength you never knew you had.

Post as often as you can, it does help.

Best,
Golf

[free2see]

Hello
the 2 things I hear you having difficulty with are addiction and depression. Narcotics, in some studies, have been effective in helping with depression. But it is not a realistic treatment. Like Golf said-nothing good can come from the abuse. I don't know your situation. What med's you're on for depression. What you have tried, etc. but depression is very treatable with psychotropic med's in conjunction with psychotherapy (especially CBT-cognitive behavioral therapy).

I took Hydro for back pain- it works great!! but it is not a long-term solution for me-atleast in the capacity I was using and my lack of effort and exploration into alternative ways to deal with my back pain issues-including lifestyle changes.

If I were you, I might tell a doctor exactly what you posted here. I would also try to be conscious of what your depression looks like and what your addiction looks like-symtoms, patterns etc. Educate yourself, read posts here, and have faith in yourself and a better you.

I don't think you have "screwed yourself up". It sounds to me like you have tried to get relief, got some relief, and are now coming to terms with the fact that it's not working. Life's lessons and struggling!

There are a lot of wonderful people here.
I'd love to here more of your story.

[golf99]

How are you doing today?

[whathaveidone]

I'm not doing good at all. I'm so embarrassed to even write any of this down!!! But I will. I also have a neighbor that gets them for me. She charges me 12/pill as well for the 10 mg percocets. I have an order in with her. I feel so guilty about it because I had to take money from our savings account. My habit is different. I get as many as I can afford and I don't even have the will power to save them. I'll do them all day long until they are gone. It's just such a RELIEF from the hell I feel all the time that I can't get them into my system fast enough

I am horrible because why am I on this site and reading all the posts from people who have quit when I just cannot do it. I can't. I'm sick. I feel so sad and depressed all the time. Nothing helps me, except these. What am I going to do? I've been to doctors and I told them and have been on every type of antidepressant since I was 18 years old. I'm 35. Nothing took it away except for these. But I can't AFFORD THEM anymore. My life is going to spin out of control if my husband catches me. He knows. But all I do is lie. He's not much better. He takes them as well and says that he only takes one or two a week for his back pain (he's had 4 surgeries). But I am no fool. I get the keys to his truck and sneak out in the middle of the night and take some all the time. Sometimes he notices, sometimes he doesn't. I put up such an act when he accuses me. I feel like I could win an academy award half the time.

So I sit here, struggling, not knowing how to proceed. Cancel the order, and live like this? Or place it and know I have a few days of normal LIFE to live. That is honestly how I think and feel. If I quit, yeah, I'll save money. But for what? To feel entrapped in misery? Don't my kids deserve a mother that is FUN? When I'm off them, It's hell. For all involved. And this sounds so screwed up and wrong as I write it. I'm justifiying abusing drugs because it makes me a better person??? That sounds crazy. But IT DOES. The only times my kids laugh and want to be anywhere near me is after I've had a few percs or vikes. Seriously. It's not a drug induced haze where I think this. It's the truth. I never feel high or drugged. I feel like "Okay. I can get up and clean the house now. OK, I can take you to the store." When I have none, I'm like a bear. "NO, I WILL NOT". It's horrible. I'm so confused.

[golf99]

Wow, you could have been writing about me. I got mine from my neighbor as well @ 12.00 a pop. I would get them and take them as fast as I could, I swore they made my life bearable. I spent ALOT of money as well.

I finally figured out that I had some deep issues that went away when I used pills. But it gets out of hand..ALWAYS. You build a tolerance and you need more and more just to feel normal. Once you discover your issue(s) you can deal with it via therapy. Take my word for it, the pills will bring you to hell.

You can quit and go through withdrawals or wean off. You may want to find a doctor that you like and explain what is going on. Either way you need to quit. Do it for YOU. If you take care of yourself everything else will come together.

Don't give that EVIL neighbor any more of your money.

Best,
Golf

[whathaveidone]

EVIL when she gets them, takes my money and runs. And an ANGEL when I go to her and she hands me the pills. You can't tell me she isn't paying 5 bucks for them and charging me 12 and taking the money and laughing all the way to the bank while I cry about how addicted I've become and she's like "I feel so bad, but I don't like to see you without them -- the way you act/feel..." I'm so over this. I just wish there was an antidepressant that released the same chemical that these stupid pills release that will make me feel NORMAL.

Thanks Golf. You've been a big help...

[free2see]

Addiction and recovery are both processes. It will take time to get better. It sounds to me like you are running through a maze and can't get out. I know that feeling. I was able to taper but for some CT works better. Still for others, they need other avenues.-Suboxine(sp), methadone, rehab., NA,

My suggestion is that if you buy yourself a couple of days of feeling ok, that you use those couple days to explore a solution that will work for you.

sometimes we suffer so much to avoid suffering.

You are not alone. There are so many people who think and feel the way you do. It is the drug, it is addiction - but there is hope. there is a cure.

[whathaveidone]

thanks free2see. I will do that. I'm at work now, a complete mess, and have to keep running to the bathroom because I've never written this stuff before and I keep crying. I feel so worthless that I need drugs to play with my KIDS. I am a MESS right now.

[free2see]

I'm sorry you are a mess but perhaps you need to be in order to get better?
You are starting to take control of this!

This is a great place to find support, read similar stories, and get a lot of valuable info and opinions.

When you have the strength, reach out to those in your community- doctor, NA, treatment center, etc. It can't hurt to talk to these people. You don't have to do this alone.

Keep posting-it helps.

[Done_With_It]

I don't get how I can ever have a normal life if I don't take these things. I've screwed myself up so completely that I cannot bear life feeling so low.

I suffered from severe depression my entire life. Then one day I took one and BAM, the depression was gone. GONE. I've been on antidepressants my entire life and NOTHING made it go away. Nothing.

Hey there,

I can totally relate to what you said up there. My doc was crystal meth.
The first time I tried it, it took away years of pain, did everything for me that the anti-depresants were supposed to do.

Before I finally got the "Correct" cocktail of my meds, I almost commited suicide. They really fixed me up in the hospital. But eventually meth found it's way to me and I jumped at it.

I ended up close to the point where you are, in the way that, nothing
was going right for me anymore. I was happy on meth, but sad,
organized, but disorganized, not hungery but needed to eat.
Had money but I was broke.......
Felt full when I had my meth, but I was always empty inside.
I thought my friends and the world had given up on me, but now being off of them I see I was the one who had given up on them.

Bad stuff started happening to me. At first it took me to a tailspin of just using more.... Then one day I decided, I'm done...........
That was 16 weeks ago. or about 17 weeks ago. It took me a week to figure out how and what to do... I just took a week building up myself to quit. It worked.......
I'm still off my meds, but I am meth free.......

I feel weird saying all that, I don't mean to brag, I just want to tell you that, I can relate so much to your story, BUT I also know that you can quit....

If not, if you choose to keep using that stuff, you are going to eventually lose everything but your drugs. Your baby or kids
do not deserve what they are getting. They deserve a full mom.
You can get there, you CAN do it. It just takes work.

Are you willing to do WHATEVER it takes? That's what I had to do.
Whatever it took....
What about NA meetings? What about a rehab? Or a short stay in the hospital to get off this stuff.
It sounds like you need some help doing it, can you call your MD?

Keep us posted sweetie, and Hang in there. Your stronger than the drugs, you really are. Start telling yourself that.

[golf99]

Originally Posted by whathaveidone

EVIL when she gets them, takes my money and runs. And an ANGEL when I go to her and she hands me the pills. You can't tell me she isn't paying 5 bucks for them and charging me 12 and taking the money and laughing all the way to the bank while I cry about how addicted I've become and she's like "I feel so bad, but I don't like to see you without them -- the way you act/feel..." I'm so over this. I just wish there was an antidepressant that released the same chemical that these stupid pills release that will make me feel NORMAL.

Thanks Golf. You've been a big help...

You are right, she is making a nice profit from your addiction. My neighbor charged me 12.00 per 5mg percocet, he is now avoiding me...he should.

People take advantage, don't let them. Control your own life.

Please see a Doctor about your depression, many wonderful medications available. Do it fast!


Best,
Golf

[Jane63]

Just wanted to welcome you to SR and lend some support your way!
Your story sounds familiar as I'm sure it does to many here! Opiate abuse and addiction run very high among women...especially common in the 'suburban housewife' type who seems to be so on top of things [but really isn't!]...THAT was ME!
I started taking Vicoden innocently for pain and soon realised how much I loved the feelings it gave me and my use escalated very quickly...almost so quick I didn't even notice till it was too late and I was in over my head! {25-30 pills a day!} I was getting a perscription from my doctor, onlines and friends who had extra to spare, at a price of course.
I always thought they made me more energetic and able to get lots done but I now have a house full of unfinished projects, stuff I bought and don't even remember why and dust bunnies that tell me differently!!!! I am over a year and a half clean and STILL trying to get it all organized!
I also thought my family, and especially my daughter did not notice how different I had become but I was also wrong on that as well! They knew and it made them very sad seeing me at my worst even though I thought I was doing great!

I know you are scared right now but everyone has given you some great advice here and it really sounds like you have had enough as well! I think we all have varying levels of hitting our "rock bottoms" so maybe this is yours?

My best advice would be to tell someone what you have been going through, be it your husband, your doctor or a trusted family member and ask for help! There are many ways to detox off the pills like rehab which is the route I took, tapering or going cold turkey. It really sounds like you have several underlying issues so getting with your doctor probably is best. There are many anti-depression/anti-anxiety medications that doctors can prescribe to help you but you will never know unless you get off the percs FIRST.

Wishing you strength and focus! Please keep us posted! You CAN do this!!
{{HUGS}}
Jane
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ons-30975.html