hole

[MagdaM]

the problem is that it always comes back. no matter how well you think you're doing. one day you wake up and you're on the edge again looking into this big black nothing. the world falls down. everything stops. mind gets so quiet you want to stop breathing because it sounds like the whole sky being torn up and sucked into a big black hole.

and then I realize i've become complacent. it's the end of the world and i've made the worst mistake possible. i've gotten comfortable. and then i know i've left myself wide open. the little joys that made me smile weeks ago, these stupid new discoveries like how it feels to wake up feeling little but a need for breakfast and an urge to ****. the delight i took in that **** just evaporates. god did i get bought cheap.

and now i've lost m,y only shot at surviving. the hard cold numb that makes me invincible. i forgot that god was coming back for another round i've gotten fat and lazy and sensitive.

...and that's when he hits you. you look over the edge and linger, just long enough to realize that you're going to fall, and then he pushes you right over...

but i'm still quick. i have this dark black wake up call and i don't just sit and act stupid. remember kids, i'm a professional. i don't let the horror blind me--i let go first. hard, cold--the secret to never getting hurt is never caring at all. and if you don't care, then anything is always possible. until the day you die. and then who cares?

and so i sit here smugly at the bottom of the world--maybe i'm weak. i never would have stuck around for crucifixion. although lethal injection is less humane than they make it sound. --but at least i got here on my own terms. at least i did it before anyone else could. if i die this way i don't feel pity. i don't know anyone who would be gentler.

[free2see]

Dispair and hope pull us up and down on this rollercoaster called life. The tracks, the trail, the path is never flat. Always a white mountain or dark valley or some place in between. In your smugness, in your weakness, at the bottom of a valley, I offer you what light I have and hope that you remember the last white mountain you past and can see the next one down the road in the distance.

[golf99]

WOW! Scared the sh*t out of me.

[BeginAgain]

Magdam my offer is still open - if you are in GA and you want to reach out for some help I will do my absolute best to link you up with someone who can maybe help you - atleast we can try. You must never give up - there are no loosers as long as we are trying and every day is a new opportunity.

My soul aches when I read your post, and I have been so sick and so desperate and empty and lost like that.... I wish I could somehow reach out a hand and pull you up...but I can't unless you reach for it. You deserve to live and to open your eyes and feel that hunger for good food and those comforting and normal human feelings and urges that can be so fulfilling all by themselves. We all deserve that and nobody is ever completely hopeless.

I know that you are a beautiful lady....inside and out. I also know that you are smart, artistic, funny, warm and gifted in your ability to write the most moving and powerful posts. Your posts move me like no other I think I've ever read. You have so much to offer and we will not give up on you - please don't give up on yourself.

I don't know if I've made any sense - just wrote what I felt. We love you - and we will love you until you can love yourself. I will be praying for you.

[Done-With-It]

Hang in there sweetie. You haven't lost your chance to survive, you just haven't grabbed ahold of it yet. Keep on keeping on, I know one of these days you are
going to have the strength to change things for yourself.
I was just thinking about you yesterday and again today.

(((((MagdaM)))))))

Hang in there sweetie. Keep trying is all I can say.

[KelKel]

(((Magda)))

[Peter]

The rain doesn't fall forever.

I can embrace my suffering with the confidence of knowing that this too shall pass.

[Phinneas]

I know that place, Magda. I know it well.

(...)

[MagdaM]

thinking about how much i fail is just to sad. don't know what to do at all. i obviously don't want to get better. obviously. obviously. actions speak louder than words. but words can be stronger and more terrifying. words like "always" and "never" and "never again". don't know if its better to choose to fail freely or to let it catch me when i wasn't expecting it. the first one hurts less. and what more can anyone want from me than to try to hurt less. am i good for anything else/ how can i do anything else when it hurts so much? i remember i used to read the Lady Death comics. anyone remember those? this girl is the daughter of the devil but she's really good. still she chooses to live in hell rather than face the pain of being burned to death. then she gets a badass weapon and a badass army and becomes a super-tragic-hero. but all that is entirely beside the point...

[free2see]

May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand. May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism. Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone. May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace. May a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them. Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending.

[Done-With-It]

Hey MagdaM,

How are you doing? Haven't heard from you in a bit. Check in when you can sweetie.

[angelgirl]

Hey Sweet Mag,,

Ya out there some where??

Just want you to know that where ever you are, there are many people
here at SR that think about you, and love you!!! I am one of them.. But there are
others.

Please let us know how you are doing..
Becky
Love and Prayers,

[Peter]

Yeah, Magda. Let us know how you doing ,ok?

[angelgirl]

Hey Sweetheart,,

How are you doing?? Where are you? Are you traveling? How are things going for you?
Check in, WE LOVE YOU!!!

Prayers
Becky