To forgive or not to forgive

[Lesliegogo]

I'm new to this web-site and in desparate need of some advise. Is it better to tell an addict that you forgive them and try to move on, or is it better to shut them out of your life and not give them the satisfaction of your forgiveness. I know that this is most likely a personal decession, but I'm having some struggles as to what God would want me to do, which I know is to forgive him, and then actually following up and doing it. So I guess I just answered my own question. I need to forgive him and then tell him that I forgive him, and then move on. It sounds soo simple.. . There is just so much pain involved in saying good-bye to someone you love, as I know you all have experienced. I just can't be ruled by my emotions anymore, but my need to help save someone I love is driving me away from myself, if that makes sence. Please help me, Please help me...

If I forgive somebody, I'm doing it for them and me, it releases us both as long as I mean it, and I do it. What the other person chooses to do with it then is entirely up to them, and I'll be the first to admit thats its easier said than done.

One of the keys in dealing with an addict, is doing things that help us, and allow us to live or life, and aloow them to live thiers. (however damaging thiers may be at the time).

And welcome to SoberRecovery Leslie.

[Peter]

Your struggle is not with forgiveness but rather with goodbye.

Goodbye doe's not necessarily mean you don't love but rather that you will have to love from a distance. This very often is the case where being in love with an addict is concerned.

[Sugah]

Welcome, Leslie,

I don't know if you're in an Anon program. I suspect you are if you're tackling the subject of forgiveness. If my post confuses you, there are plenty of places, including here, where you can find a copy of the twelve steps for reference.

I have to frame this in the context of the steps, as I never considered the value of forgiveness before having worked them....figured everyone I held a grudge against needed my resentful feelings heaped upon them. I didn't realize they mainly hurt me.

Anyway...I list these resentments in step four. I admit them fully to myself, my God, and another trusted human being in the fifth. I consider them in the sixth and make myself entirely ready to be relieved of the burden. I ask my HP to release me from the bonds of these resentments in the seventh. Then, I need to make a list of folks I have harmed, and if my resentment towards another human being has caused them harm in any way, their name goes on the list along with prayer for the willingness to make amends to them. In the ninth, I make direct amends.

For me, this is where it got tricky. I thought I had to tell someone that I forgive them, when some of these folks had no desire or need for my forgiveness. If they weren't asking for it, wasn't I focusing on what they had done to me rather than the harm I had caused them? So, am I really making amends for the harms I have caused, or taking this as an opportunity to point out that I am really the one for whom amends are required?

If the person on my list has an attack of conscience (or maybe is working a program) and asks for my forgiveness, somewhere between steps 4 & 7, I have ideally forgiven them in my heart and can offer it. If not, I still have some work to do. If I forgive, it doesn't mean that I give them permission to continue on with a behavior. Acceptance isn't approval. So, if I forgive, that doesn't mean to me that I am obligated to have lunch twice a month with them, remember them on birthdays and at Christmas, or invite them to my next party. It means I've let the past go, and I have released them from their guilt. That's what I do for them--if they ask for it.

My sponsor has given me what I consider an essential tool for sorting issues like this out in my head and heart. She tells me, "Check your motives." If I can honestly say that my motives are good, then the appropriate action is easy. If I can't put my finger on my motives or if I know that my motives are selfish in nature, then I probably need to do some praying before I do anything.

I hope this helped. Personally? I think the most important part of forgiveness happens inside our own hearts. In recovery, my soul can soar, but not when its sinking under the weight of resentment. Part of riding the rocket (see signature) was making peace with my past. I hope you can, too.

Peace & Love,
Sugah