clancy

Guys this is going to sound like my addict talking. but when Ever I try to give up my pills (tramadol,poppy tea,the odd valium) my life goes haywire.For the last two years ive been trying on and off to quit. seven months ha been the most....and oh...what a loooong 7 months they were..The world seemed a greyer place, everything worried me more,my ADHD was so out of hand I couldnt stick a job for more than a month (i just get bored...) my social skills are bad,I just fell lifes is one long grind.Ive noticed that several of my non user freinds seem to feel this way. a constant low level depression, slight disapointment in the realitiy of adulthood.
When I use im happy confident,chatty, i can concentrate, listen actively, enjoy a book or movie and produce some amazing creative work(im a photographer) Im just peaceful.I dont lie in limbo or anything I just fuction as I should. I have been an addict all my adult life and before...i grew up in a kids home and was hyperactive,they gave me pediatric valium to sleep.I never looked back. im 32 now, and doing really really well at university, but im still afraid that someone will find out and i'll be out.

This must sound like so much ******** to some of you. But I never have to see a dealer,my drugs just drop on the doormat every week, I dont break the law, (well in small ways like most of us do sometimes) ive never been in trouble with the law, im not violent. Hey what a case for carryin on poppin, no??? But that CANT be the way can it ? its never the waY. But my life has been so much better since i stopped trying to quit. Whats going wrong here. Do I have the worlds biggest case of denial or what.If so,its really quite agreeable...

Done_With_It

No, I totally hear you. I've been struggling with these thoughts all week. I don't think it's really denial because for me at least, I know my thinking is haywired, and for you, your coming here to ask.

It does seem so much easier using sometimes. But I think a part of you knows that there is bad along with the good in using. There must be some reason you even want to quit, or... you would have never thought of quiting?

Have you gone to a pysch. or a therapist while your quiting. I relate to that grey, blah, feeling....... I know for me I need to be on anti-depresants in order to 'not' feel like that.

I was wondering do you have any signs of ADD? I have it and a few things you said reminded me of it.
I know I used meth to try and self medicate that feeling.

I have a lot of the same things you do going on, but I know that the drugs we use to self medicate aren't the best ones.

What are your feelings on going to see a pysch?

DWI

clancy

Yes, how did you guess I hae raging ADHD.like ADD but with 'hyperactive' in it (ie im very thin,very impatent, cant sit still for long not thru a movie anyhow,and i find a meal hard too.I'll just get up and wander around when i need too.and I need too alot.I get FURIOUS with myself when it manifests because it causes my poor,lovely partner so much grief. I lose my keys,wallet, cellphone,films,negatives,everyday. And when i realise ive lost them i go almost insane with frustration.because I know its because im'defective'. Yes ive seen a psych and an addiction doctor but they couldnt help me,They both said the moment they put pen to paper and its on my notes im out of the job market forever.We dont have privacy laws here like you guys in the states have. Anyjob thats not an illegal, they wanna see your med records and NOONE will touch a junky with a bargpole.They said im one of the view people who may need meds for the rest of my life.They said it wont physically harm me, but mentally my brain chemistry is totally reprogrammed.

I wanted to get sober to be like everyone else

Because its so inconvienient

so I could see who I was, ive never known myself since i was a miserable little orphan of 10 (violins please)

I hate being looked down on, hate the stigma

I tried AA - but it was soooooo boring listening to people rant on,and on and on about their 4567th acid trip that well,no way,not for me.

I guess ill be okay, I just feel different thats all. Maybe everybody does.

Digginit

For me, I realized that there was a problem when using went from being a positive reinforcer to being a negative reinforcer. I mean....at first I had fun using and used because it was a happy thing. Later, I started to use because if I didn't, then I felt bad. I didn't like that. BUT it sure didn't stop me, at least not for long. Every now and then I'd try to quit because something gnawing at me made me aware that there was a problem. The problem, however, wasn't causing me any REAL problems, so I never quit for long. Then one day, I was accepted into graduate school, and decided to give up coke. That was okay because I still had pot. Wasn't as good, but it worked out okay, and eventually I lost the taste for drugs it seemed.

Years later....I was still smoking some occasional weed and drinking a little here and there. But life was getting stressful at home and with school (this is waaay after graduate school). A friend offered me a line of coke. At first I said no, but eventually gave in. For about a week, I used it (again) because it was fun. Then for a little while I used it because I felt like $h1t if I didn't. And in no time, I found myself spiralling horribly out of control.

I suppose there are plenty of people who can stop that cycle way back there at the "if I didn't use I felt like crap" stage. If it works for you, then I guess it does. Sometimes I wish it had worked for me. But I'd sure hate to go through it all again....

linz

Buzz Kilowatt

Clancy,

Wow, the job stigma seems so unfair. Some people have a valid medical need for psychoactive meds, for chrissakes.

So, for example, if you are prescribed Prozac, that means you are forever sidelined in the job market in the U.K.? Unbelievable!

Well, you might get some relief from other therapies & techniques like exercise, meditation, acupuncture, diet modification, self-hypnosis, and the like. But they really require a concerted re-focus and for most people pills are a path of least resistance.

One problem with pills is that eventually the same dosage loses its effect, and the spiral of addiction begins.

I quit HC almost 90 days ago and there are definitely more grey days, more depression, more anxiety. But overall it is getting slowly better and there are other benefits like sharpened memory, concentration, etc.

I'd recommend trying the alternative therapies. Can't hurt. Or maybe find a sympathetic doc who can tell you what meds you need, and find an alternative source for them while under his/her care, so they don't have to "put pen on paper."

Cheers,

Buzz

Done_With_It

LOL! I thought you may have ADD!
So much of what you said is me! For me it's odd when I don't
lose my keys, phone, etc..... lol.
I'll be back later to write more, but I wanted to drop in real quick and ask you if you've read "Delivered from Distraction" it is all about the ADD mind, and how it works and how to learn to use your ADD to an advantage. It's an amazing book. I've never seen anyone get me like that book does.....

More soon!

Buzz Kilowatt

DWI,

Did you ever finish the book?

;-)

Bad Buzz

Done_With_It

LMAO!! I LOVE this book and it's taking me weeks to read it, lol..

Better yet, do you know what the first lines () in the chapter
read?

"Most people who have ADD don't read books all the way through. It's not because they don't want to; it's because reading entire books is very difficult-sort of like singing an entire song in just one breath."

Then goes on to say have someone read it through for you, or read certain chapters this way,

We offer this chapter in the ADD friendly format of Q & A.
etc..... that's so me.
I have to be reading at least 4 books at the same time, and some of them like esp. magazines for some ODD reason I find that I always read them backwards. People are so intrigued by that if they see me. lol....
I don't really get why you'd ever read a magazine from front to back.
Only back to front makes sense to me.....

Clany you do any of that?

woops

Hi Clancy
I live just a little north of you!!
Not sure what advice you have been given from the docs..................but to reassure you that addiction and treatment are no bar to employment. I have consulted my GP re addiction and received treatment. Was suggested that I attend for counselling or psychiatric help if needed. As it happened I was fine with my doctor's help alone. I now teach in a secondary school and also do some public civic work - and for this I needed a "full disclosure" from the Police - as both jobs I do involve children................
I have never had any problems on the job front. BTW - your medical records are confidential - no employer has any entitlement to see them.
Hope you find some answers here to your problems.
All the best
woops

Buzz Kilowatt

DWI,

I've got it . . . . the books you read are in Arabic or Hebrew!

- Buzz