can't trust myself - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

MagdaM · 01-22-2006, 07:19 PM

i know that metaphorically people talk about their "addict" or "addiction" which "tells" them things or "does hitngs'. but that's not real, its just a way of talking. you're supposed to be responsible for your actions.

but i'm not--for years and years of my life i've "lost time" and occassionally had psychotic episodes. sometimes i am thinking in one way, and then when my mind goes to as different topic i don't even remember what the other one was thinking/doing. i've talked about this in other threads over time so this is just kind of a short summarry.

anyway i don't trust myself. all the time i do things that other addicts do, but sometimes i feel i ahve even less awareness of when i am trying to "trick myself" than the "normal" person does. (things like i will say "i can't take out any money when i go to the city because then i will buy" but when i walk by the atm i think" oh i need a little cash for [insert "practical necessity type item" here]. and then somehow i end up outside an old "friend's" house with $200 bucks and a will to buy. that's quite typical. but as i said sometimes i feel i am trickier than most with myself--and I REALLY DON'T REALIZE sometimes when it happens.

this is pretty scary. it's fine when you ahve others to watch out for you--but guess what, i'm traveling again. i had to come back east to tak care of somethings before i head home again. but thoughts have been creeping into my head. i keep thinking of a)using b)offing myself. that's fine, i can deal with those thoughts.

but today i found a package of razors and several boxes of sleeping pills in my bag WHICH I DON'T REMEMBER BUYING. at all. i know i've been knows to dissociate and wander around for anything from a few minutes to a couple days. but i'm scaring myself. i'm not entirely sure what to do. i should probably go to the ER. but i won't don't know why i just know i won't. don't really know why i'm poting this whiny thing. just feeling scared and alone. afraid i'll "wake up dead" one of these days and never know what hit me.

velvet · 01-22-2006, 07:31 PM

Do you have a lap-top, when you travel? Magda...I'm just a teacher, not anyone who could really give you advice...but sounds to me like multi personalities. Do you see any doctors on regular basis? Have you tried keeping a diary? That might be helpful to keep track of your missing times. I'd see a doctor when you get home. I posted to you before...remember, I have a son your age. Well, try to take care of yourself.

**Done-With-It** · 01-22-2006, 08:53 PM

I have a friend who does some of the same things you describe. I don't think it was mpd, but something else. I will ask him what they told him it was.

I'm glad you posted I have been getting worried about you.

victorb · 01-23-2006, 08:45 AM

Magda, I can relate to you feelings, in early recovery I new the dispair in which you are living. However there is indeed a morning when the sun did come shining through, and that is when I realized the concept of FREE WILL the truth that I as a human being had the will within me to change my destrutive behavior.
I learned that most of my urges could be held in check my simply STOPPING THOUGHT, that is I learned that most of my urges came from automatic thinking, and when I stopped to think about my thinking, I was able to recognize that voice and what it wanted was unattainable if I did not get it for him.
To change behavior we must exercise Self-Managment, in that change is a process that must begin and end with us.
We do have the will power to change, it is inherent in us, we just need to work and practice self-managment.
I wish you the best, and will leave with the ending from William Henley's poem Invictus.

"I am the master of my fate
I am the captain of my soul"

MagdaM · 01-23-2006, 12:00 PM

i do love that poem

**Done-With-It** · 01-23-2006, 12:12 PM

Quote:

To change behavior we must exercise Self-Managment,

I love that you said that. I rarely hear it so I feel like a freak when I say it,
which is often. lol, But it's the only way I was able to get off of meth. I had
to manage myself in a different way than I had been doing. I still do.

Sorry Mag, I don't mean to hijack your thread, I just think that is such good
advice. ;-)

Good to see you sweetie.

**Alera** · 01-23-2006, 01:39 PM

Good to see you. I have those strange temptations where I'll do something similiar to going to the bank and pulling money out when I really don't need it.

I found working on learning to notice the problem was the hardest part of stopping that from happening. I wish I could give more advice. I am keeping you in my thoughts.

Quote:

OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbow'd.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

spirit30 · 01-23-2006, 04:51 PM

Magdam, what you describe does sound like you may be suffering from a mental disorder. There is no way anyone here can diagnose you. A good psychiatrist can properly diagnose and treat you. There is nothing wrong with getting help. Perhaps if you were receiving the right kind of treatment you wouldn't feel the need to abuse drugs as much. People with mental disorders can lead healthy, normal, happy lives...with the proper treatment. It's so good to see you're still posting.

Now I must go exercise..which I hate, hate, hate...just until it's over...then I love, love, love the fact that I did (Self Management).

Christian · 01-23-2006, 04:56 PM

excersize is so aweosme, i need to do this more often

it boosts your dopamine and serotonin levels

spirit30 · 01-23-2006, 05:32 PM

I agree Christian. I just finished my workout and I feel so much better then I did before my workout. Now if I could just be consistent

MagdaM · 02-02-2006, 07:59 AM

betrayal can be so sweet.

KelKel · 02-02-2006, 08:03 AM

Hi....
You have legitimate concerns over things that are popping up in your daily life taht you have no recollection of.
Honey, please, please consider geting yourself into a long-term treatment facility. You so deserve to live.

**Done-With-It** · 02-02-2006, 11:19 AM

I was just wondering how you were. What's up.
I think Kel Kel, has some good advice, is this something
you would consider?

**Alera** · 02-02-2006, 01:45 PM

MagdaM, it is so good to see you post. How are your travels? What have you seen? Share if you'd like!

MagdaM · 02-02-2006, 10:56 PM

so tired. headed to atlanta this week. only know how to do one thing with my life. so confounded.

BeginAgain · 02-03-2006, 04:18 AM

Hi Magdam there are some wonderful treatment facilities in Atlanta. There is also Community Mental Health in Georgia that is based on sliding fee or is free if you meet certain criteria and I think you would. I can help link you up with some help in Georgia near Atlanta if you want it. Just PM and I'll point you in the right direction. There is crisis stabilization and then wonderful aftercare treatment available.

You only have to claim a GA address to get the help - even a homeless facility will do. They will not turn you away. Please let me know if you have an interest. I'll need to know what county in GA you are in to help link you or if you can get to Paulding or Cherokee county which is just North of Atlanta I can hook you up with some great people...atleast I'll try. The rest will be up to you.

You deserve good care and you deserve to live - really live. I have followed your story and even though I haven't posted to you before I care and will try to help you if I can.

Hope to hear from you,
Janet

Evanna · 02-03-2006, 04:19 AM

I must own Magda that whenever i read your posts i am not let with the impression that there is anything going on with you other than out-of-control addiction. When i read your posts i am so strongly reminded of myself in active addiction. Depression tends to go hand in hand with active addiction so thats not so unusual. I would agree with KelKel and Janet though insofar as that i believe very few active addicts want to be caught up in the nightmare that is active addiction. When we struggle to get out of that circle then it is often the case that we simply dont have enough help and support. Addiction is big and big support is needed.

All that said i am no mental health expert either so if you feel you need to go to the ER then you sure as hell do that. Do whatever you need to do to keep safe and get help.

Warmest wishes
Evanna.

Evanna · 02-03-2006, 04:22 AM

Just to add i think you are a star Magda. Whatever else is going on you are still here posting. That takes some real guts and determination.

Chance · 02-03-2006, 06:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MagdaM

so tired. headed to Atlanta this week. only know how to do one thing with my life. so confounded.

I know that all I ever knew was to do one thing with my life, and that was to keep digging deeper and deeper. Today with the help of a lot of different things, I think that I have stopped digging at least for today. The other day I did something that I swore I would never do and that was to go see a physiatrist. I actually got depressed after that visit and slept for two days.

I know that life is OK today. It is nothing really that exciting but I also know that it really isn't that bad. I think sometimes I think about the good times that I had when I was using and yes there were a lot of good times. The using days gave me a chance to do some of the things that I would never have had experienced some of them I like some was not good at all, very shameful. But I also know today that those things can help others to identify. You know Magda dear you deserve the best that life has to offer. In reality we all deserve to be happy. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers a lot. I only wish happiness for you my friend. You are a wonderful person and I do care.

Love Vic

angelgirl · 02-03-2006, 09:54 AM

Hey Mag,,

I haven't been around here much lately, but I wanted you to know that I do think about you OFTEN,, ( I really do, even when I am not here) and I am praying for you..
I know if you would just give in, and surrender to this, and ask for help, and really seek all you can, and give up the run,, you would have a great recovery Mag.. I just know it.. I am praying that god will watch over your travels.. Please, just stop running.. I believe we try to run from our lives, but no matter how far we go, we are still there... That's why it's so important to stop running, and just ask for help. I know how hard that is.. It was just as hard for every single one of us,, but we just had to do it.. We want you to do it Magda. We love you!!

Please stop running..

Love and prayers,
Becky

MagdaM · 02-05-2006, 01:46 AM

i'm certain you all know that wanting is very far removed from doing. i don't know what to do about that gap. i don't have anythign to put in between.

Sugah · 02-05-2006, 12:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MagdaM

i'm certain you all know that wanting is very far removed from doing. i don't know what to do about that gap. i don't have anythign to put in between.

A very wise friend told me once to pray as though my prayers were already answered. It was how I learned to have faith.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

MagdaM · 02-05-2006, 10:51 PM

i spent last night on the bathroom floor helping out my friend who got sick. i got up today at about 8pm, got high, tried to do some cleaning up, and fell asleep again. last night one of my buddies told me "this is one of the last nights i'm going to get messed up". not the last. just "one of the last". doesn't mean anything. i feel so numb and confused i can't do anything. i can't even rermember what i was supposed to be doing. and i don't feel that it matters much. and that makes me somewhat satisfied. which doesn't happen very often. and why don't i deserve that? or maybe i'm getting exactly what i deserve.

**Done-With-It** · 02-05-2006, 10:55 PM

MagdaM, Just a question, not a judgement, I was just wondering do you think you'll ever get tired of this and choose a different type of life for yourself? Or do you see yourself being here in a year from now.

I'm just curious, not judging you. I hope someday you want better for yourself enough to change your actions. Because you really deserve it and it makes me sad to see you in so much agony and pain..

Hang in there sweetie,

DWI

01-22-2006, 07:19 PM	#1 (permalink)
MagdaM Doube-Edged Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Albuquerque, NM Posts: 162	can't trust myself i know that metaphorically people talk about their "addict" or "addiction" which "tells" them things or "does hitngs'. but that's not real, its just a way of talking. you're supposed to be responsible for your actions. but i'm not--for years and years of my life i've "lost time" and occassionally had psychotic episodes. sometimes i am thinking in one way, and then when my mind goes to as different topic i don't even remember what the other one was thinking/doing. i've talked about this in other threads over time so this is just kind of a short summarry. anyway i don't trust myself. all the time i do things that other addicts do, but sometimes i feel i ahve even less awareness of when i am trying to "trick myself" than the "normal" person does. (things like i will say "i can't take out any money when i go to the city because then i will buy" but when i walk by the atm i think" oh i need a little cash for [insert "practical necessity type item" here]. and then somehow i end up outside an old "friend's" house with $200 bucks and a will to buy. that's quite typical. but as i said sometimes i feel i am trickier than most with myself--and I REALLY DON'T REALIZE sometimes when it happens. this is pretty scary. it's fine when you ahve others to watch out for you--but guess what, i'm traveling again. i had to come back east to tak care of somethings before i head home again. but thoughts have been creeping into my head. i keep thinking of a)using b)offing myself. that's fine, i can deal with those thoughts. but today i found a package of razors and several boxes of sleeping pills in my bag WHICH I DON'T REMEMBER BUYING. at all. i know i've been knows to dissociate and wander around for anything from a few minutes to a couple days. but i'm scaring myself. i'm not entirely sure what to do. i should probably go to the ER. but i won't don't know why i just know i won't. don't really know why i'm poting this whiny thing. just feeling scared and alone. afraid i'll "wake up dead" one of these days and never know what hit me.

01-22-2006, 07:31 PM	#2 (permalink)
velvet Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: ohio Posts: 372	Do you have a lap-top, when you travel? Magda...I'm just a teacher, not anyone who could really give you advice...but sounds to me like multi personalities. Do you see any doctors on regular basis? Have you tried keeping a diary? That might be helpful to keep track of your missing times. I'd see a doctor when you get home. I posted to you before...remember, I have a son your age. Well, try to take care of yourself. __________________ When one door of our journey in life closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

01-22-2006, 08:53 PM	#3 (permalink)
Done-With-It InAButtonKindOfWay. Seriously? Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Hollywood Posts: 8,248 Blog Entries: 15	I have a friend who does some of the same things you describe. I don't think it was mpd, but something else. I will ask him what they told him it was. I'm glad you posted I have been getting worried about you. __________________ Living in fast forward Hollywood RockStar outta control Need to rewind real slow Alwys Runin Time to take control Oh yeah ...

02-02-2006, 11:19 AM	#13 (permalink)
Done-With-It InAButtonKindOfWay. Seriously? Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Hollywood Posts: 8,248 Blog Entries: 15	I was just wondering how you were. What's up. I think Kel Kel, has some good advice, is this something you would consider? __________________ Living in fast forward Hollywood RockStar outta control Need to rewind real slow Alwys Runin Time to take control Oh yeah ...

02-02-2006, 01:45 PM	#14 (permalink)
Alera SR's SMART Goth Mod Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: SoCal Posts: 1,892	MagdaM, it is so good to see you post. How are your travels? What have you seen? Share if you'd like! __________________ Copyright © 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008 Alera The addiction will protect itself ... AT ALL COSTS.

01-23-2006, 08:45 AM	#4 (permalink)
victorb Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: charlotte, mi. Posts: 1	Magda, I can relate to you feelings, in early recovery I new the dispair in which you are living. However there is indeed a morning when the sun did come shining through, and that is when I realized the concept of FREE WILL the truth that I as a human being had the will within me to change my destrutive behavior. I learned that most of my urges could be held in check my simply STOPPING THOUGHT, that is I learned that most of my urges came from automatic thinking, and when I stopped to think about my thinking, I was able to recognize that voice and what it wanted was unattainable if I did not get it for him. To change behavior we must exercise Self-Managment, in that change is a process that must begin and end with us. We do have the will power to change, it is inherent in us, we just need to work and practice self-managment. I wish you the best, and will leave with the ending from William Henley's poem Invictus. "I am the master of my fate I am the captain of my soul"

01-23-2006, 12:00 PM	#5 (permalink)
MagdaM Doube-Edged Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Albuquerque, NM Posts: 162	i do love that poem

01-23-2006, 04:51 PM	#8 (permalink)
spirit30 Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Little Island in the Atlantic Ocean Posts: 57	Magdam, what you describe does sound like you may be suffering from a mental disorder. There is no way anyone here can diagnose you. A good psychiatrist can properly diagnose and treat you. There is nothing wrong with getting help. Perhaps if you were receiving the right kind of treatment you wouldn't feel the need to abuse drugs as much. People with mental disorders can lead healthy, normal, happy lives...with the proper treatment. It's so good to see you're still posting. Now I must go exercise..which I hate, hate, hate...just until it's over...then I love, love, love the fact that I did (Self Management).

01-23-2006, 04:56 PM	#9 (permalink)
Christian Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: san diego, ca Posts: 203	excersize is so aweosme, i need to do this more often it boosts your dopamine and serotonin levels

01-23-2006, 05:32 PM	#10 (permalink)
spirit30 Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Little Island in the Atlantic Ocean Posts: 57	I agree Christian. I just finished my workout and I feel so much better then I did before my workout. Now if I could just be consistent

02-02-2006, 07:59 AM	#11 (permalink)
MagdaM Doube-Edged Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Albuquerque, NM Posts: 162	betrayal can be so sweet.

02-02-2006, 08:03 AM	#12 (permalink)
KelKel Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: The Mohave Desert Posts: 2,313	Hi.... You have legitimate concerns over things that are popping up in your daily life taht you have no recollection of. Honey, please, please consider geting yourself into a long-term treatment facility. You so deserve to live.

02-02-2006, 10:56 PM	#15 (permalink)
MagdaM Doube-Edged Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Albuquerque, NM Posts: 162	so tired. headed to atlanta this week. only know how to do one thing with my life. so confounded.

02-03-2006, 04:18 AM	#16 (permalink)
BeginAgain Day by day.... Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: NW GA Posts: 449 Blog Entries: 3	Hi Magdam there are some wonderful treatment facilities in Atlanta. There is also Community Mental Health in Georgia that is based on sliding fee or is free if you meet certain criteria and I think you would. I can help link you up with some help in Georgia near Atlanta if you want it. Just PM and I'll point you in the right direction. There is crisis stabilization and then wonderful aftercare treatment available. You only have to claim a GA address to get the help - even a homeless facility will do. They will not turn you away. Please let me know if you have an interest. I'll need to know what county in GA you are in to help link you or if you can get to Paulding or Cherokee county which is just North of Atlanta I can hook you up with some great people...atleast I'll try. The rest will be up to you. You deserve good care and you deserve to live - really live. I have followed your story and even though I haven't posted to you before I care and will try to help you if I can. Hope to hear from you, Janet __________________ Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results!

02-03-2006, 04:19 AM	#17 (permalink)
Evanna Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Our house. Posts: 710	I must own Magda that whenever i read your posts i am not let with the impression that there is anything going on with you other than out-of-control addiction. When i read your posts i am so strongly reminded of myself in active addiction. Depression tends to go hand in hand with active addiction so thats not so unusual. I would agree with KelKel and Janet though insofar as that i believe very few active addicts want to be caught up in the nightmare that is active addiction. When we struggle to get out of that circle then it is often the case that we simply dont have enough help and support. Addiction is big and big support is needed. All that said i am no mental health expert either so if you feel you need to go to the ER then you sure as hell do that. Do whatever you need to do to keep safe and get help. Warmest wishes Evanna. __________________ I used to have a handle on life....but it broke off!

02-03-2006, 04:22 AM	#18 (permalink)
Evanna Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Our house. Posts: 710	Just to add i think you are a star Magda. Whatever else is going on you are still here posting. That takes some real guts and determination. __________________ I used to have a handle on life....but it broke off!

02-03-2006, 09:54 AM	#20 (permalink)
angelgirl You're never alone!! Join Date: May 2003 Location: Wisconsin Posts: 2,194	Hey Mag,, I haven't been around here much lately, but I wanted you to know that I do think about you OFTEN,, ( I really do, even when I am not here) and I am praying for you.. I know if you would just give in, and surrender to this, and ask for help, and really seek all you can, and give up the run,, you would have a great recovery Mag.. I just know it.. I am praying that god will watch over your travels.. Please, just stop running.. I believe we try to run from our lives, but no matter how far we go, we are still there... That's why it's so important to stop running, and just ask for help. I know how hard that is.. It was just as hard for every single one of us,, but we just had to do it.. We want you to do it Magda. We love you!! Please stop running.. Love and prayers, Becky __________________ â„¢ Don't tell God how BIG your addiction is, tell your addiction, how BIG our GOD is!! Jesus is our teacher and he is our Savior, who takes our prayers and makes them his own.

02-05-2006, 01:46 AM	#21 (permalink)
MagdaM Doube-Edged Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Albuquerque, NM Posts: 162	i'm certain you all know that wanting is very far removed from doing. i don't know what to do about that gap. i don't have anythign to put in between.

02-05-2006, 10:51 PM	#23 (permalink)
MagdaM Doube-Edged Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Albuquerque, NM Posts: 162	i spent last night on the bathroom floor helping out my friend who got sick. i got up today at about 8pm, got high, tried to do some cleaning up, and fell asleep again. last night one of my buddies told me "this is one of the last nights i'm going to get messed up". not the last. just "one of the last". doesn't mean anything. i feel so numb and confused i can't do anything. i can't even rermember what i was supposed to be doing. and i don't feel that it matters much. and that makes me somewhat satisfied. which doesn't happen very often. and why don't i deserve that? or maybe i'm getting exactly what i deserve.

02-05-2006, 10:55 PM	#24 (permalink)
Done-With-It InAButtonKindOfWay. Seriously? Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Hollywood Posts: 8,248 Blog Entries: 15	MagdaM, Just a question, not a judgement, I was just wondering do you think you'll ever get tired of this and choose a different type of life for yourself? Or do you see yourself being here in a year from now. I'm just curious, not judging you. I hope someday you want better for yourself enough to change your actions. Because you really deserve it and it makes me sad to see you in so much agony and pain.. Hang in there sweetie, DWI __________________ Living in fast forward Hollywood RockStar outta control Need to rewind real slow Alwys Runin Time to take control Oh yeah ...