Undeserving of Recovery & Resistance to Change?

[AllThatGlitters]

Hey everybody,

I don't know if anybody feels me on this one or not, but I think one of the main reasons I've had difficulty making progress (although I shouldn't overlook the fact that I've still come a long way) is that I feel I don't deserve to be happy. I feel a lot of guilt and insecurity throughout my day, I'm always apologizing or feeling like I should apologize. Sometimes my guilt borders on self-hatred, but over the past few years as I've grown up a bit this has subsided, thankfully, and I'm grateful for that. Still, if I'm to be truly happy I think I need to work on forgiving myself for mistakes of the past. How do I do that? Getting forgiveness from others does not seem to help at all. A lot of the time, I project my own inability to forgive myself onto others and am convinced that they hate me when in fact they don't.

Also, I find that I'm resistant to changing myself. I feel like I know myself very well, and the idea that I may "lose myself" scares the crap out of me. Does anyone else relate to this? Am I alone?

Just writing because I felt like sharing and seeing how other people have dealt with these problems ... I could sure use some experience, strength and hope right now.

Hope everyone's enjoying their first day of the new year!!

[splendra]

(((ATG))))

I think some affirmations might help here. Keep it simple...look yourself in the eye in the mirror and say to yourself: "you are a wonderful person"...do this everyday until you believe it....maybe even put this on a post it note and hang it somewhere that you will see it often. You might be surprizewd to find that pretty soon this one thought roaming around in your brain will start helping you to prove it...and once you are convinced you are a wonderful person nothing someone else thinks or does will bring you to a place that makes you feel less than....

[Sugah]

Where are you in your steps? Intensive work on the first three steps builds our foundation for those that come after, for getting right with ourselves before attempting to get right with others. Are you working with a sponsor and discussing these feelings? If you keep putting one foot in front of the other, you'll get through it, and sharing it and asking for E, S, & H is what we're taught to do.

I didn't think I deserved recovery, either. I didn't think I deserved the air I breathed for a long time. I didn't initially get clean for myself....I did it because I caught a glimpse of the pain I was putting others in, namely my children. I just wanted my pain to be over, preferrably in the least painful way to those around me. The first few months of my recovery were pretty confused, but once I found that measure of forgiveness for myself, then my recovery was for me.

Today, I thank God I didn't get what I deserved. When I forgave myself, and then others, it didn't matter if anyone else forgave me. My past, save for those actions with lasting consequences which I must face daily, cannot hurt me anymore. And, even those lasting consequences aren't a source of any real pain--they're a reminder. I need those.

Keep plugging along. I'll tell you what they told me, and if I'm right, you'll probably hate it as much as I did: You're right where you're supposed to be.

Happy New Year.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[FriendofBill]

The self you are afraid of losing is the addicted self you have come to know and reply on.


The self that HP intended you to be hasnt arrived yet, as you are in the "re-building" phase of it.

Drugs/Alcohol broke you down,
recovery is about building you up, into that person HP has always intended you to become.

The guilt you feel stems from shame. When we do shameful things, cant help but to feel worthless and filled with shame.

But..........the solution comes when we do "esteemable" things, serivce to others, offer time, a listening ear, drive someone to a meeting, be thoughtful....then that ishow we grow outta the crap of shame and start growing into the beautiful, worthy, fulfilled person we really are.

Hang on....your in the process of a miracle!

[Justme57]

Hi there !

How much I relate to your feelings! All my life I fwelt apologetic and guilty for taking up space on the planet, I can remember my mother saying to me , as a child, " stop saying sorry".

I have used both the suggestions above. i used to feel so stupid using the affirmations! A younger friend in AA gave me that advice when I was about 6 months sober. I had them stuck on my fridge, my mirror, and even the toilet door.! LOL

For me, it was definitely a case of " fake it til you make it ", but I was so desperate to change my life, that I did anything ANYONE suggested. I had been so full of self hatred for 57 years, that i really believed I would stay that way! I vividly remember the day that the affirmations started working, it is hard to explain, but I looked in the mirror one morning, and there I was! I felt " present on the planet" it was very wierd.Up til that time, I had not been able to look myself in the eye, but that day, I actually looked alive.

The first 3 steps were another thing that I had to work very hard on, and again it was a lot of hard work, and acceptance that finally got me there.

I was also very scared of losing " my old self' because I was so familiar with me, and my feelings. I had to let the ' OLD ME ' go,and it wasn't easy, but I am now practising being the "new me".

I am still not at the " loving myself' place yet, but i am working on it

HUGX
Lee

[northbelle]

Makes me think of a catchy little phrase I have heard in some different recovery places...yeah I have hit a few... YOU CAN"T THINK YOUR WAY INTO A NEW WAY OF LIVING.....YOU HAVE TO LIVE YOUR WAY INTO A NEW WAY OF THINKING....it is just so true for me....I kick my own ass everyday over the same stuff..but trying not to kick quite so hard today...I can relate..absolutely with everything you said!!!

[REZ]

I can relate. I think we all have some issues with self-loathing, self-hate, self-pity.

As mentioned earlier, developing a relationship with a higher power, through all the steps, but especially 1,2,3--helps me to love my self.

Also, in steps 8-9, I find out the I am one of those people that I harmed and owe an ammends to. I can't change the past, but I can change today. Today I can let go of that guilt and forgive myself. Living clean and sober is the biggest amend I can make to myself...

[AllThatGlitters]

Thanks so much to everyone who responded.

I think affirmations are in order ... as well as perhaps working the steps with a sponsor. I've found meetings in the past to be very difficult to endure. The people were very judgemental and close-minded. I had a hard time finding a sponsor I could trust, and so I left after a few months.

I've also considered getting into therapy, but I don't have insurance or a a way to pay. Besides, my schedule is already packed: I'm a full-time student with an internship and two part-time jobs.

I've known for a long time now that drugs are not my problem; neither are other people. Still, the other people part comes and goes, making it difficult to thrive in social settings as much as I'd like to. I am considering sucking it up and going back to meetings, anyway. Though I'd have to deal with the shame of going back a third time, in addition to the guilt for letting my ex-sponsor down two times in a row, even after she had me more or less promise not to leave her the last time.

Thanks to everyone, again.