So SCARED to stop using

[northbelle]

Some of you may know that I have been trying to detox from methadone..a pretty low dose..well Frday I found 3 that I had stashed..very RARE for me to have a stash and I took them because..well for gods sake because I am a addict in wthdrawal and drugs in my hand go down my throat!! I have no choice right now..then today I totally blew it and went and got another 40mgs and some morphine...I am so damn disgusted in myself ..I will not keep doing this..I want to stop but I get really scared!!! Right now I am more afraid of continuing to use than I am to stop..my tolerance is scarey as hell//so Sunday is day one again for me ..I can't give up..I hate myself when I am using and all I do is think about what a addict I am the WHOLE time I am loaded!!! **** if I even enjoyed itr for a minute I would happoly continue but it is just total misery...my head is so ****** up..please you guys stick with me one more time OK?? I have so much to loose..I HAVE to keep trying..I just got a new sponsor and I am scared of that too..I called her today and she said yes and to call her tommorow..she is one tough broad I am am afraid I won't be able to do what she asks!! **** I am just afraid of everything right now...I want my freedom back!!!! Now that I started coming here to sr I can't give up...I almost wish I could..using is NO FUN anymore or even tolerable!!!! encouragement will be appreciated and I am open to any feedback you guys gave to give...Sunday..day 1...northbelle

[carolm]

Hi Northbelle,

Of course we will stick with you. I know that sick feeling you have now because you relapsed and because you must start all over. I relapsed many times (not a good thing) because I ended up having a breakdown. You can do it, and you're right about wanting your freedom back. Okay, so today is Day 1. Just keep going "one day at a time".

One added note. An addict speaking at an AA meeting (there weren't any NA meetings around here when I got clean) once said in referring to drugs or alcohol, "One is too many, and a thousand is never enough". That really hit me after I thought for a minute what it meant. Is anything more true about drugs than that?

Hang in there. I will be thinking of you and keep posting.
Carol

[northbelle]

Thank you carol..right on..nice to meet ya and I will keep posting..goin to bed now...it is snowing outside..our first!! I am taking it as a good omen for my recovery!!! Belle

[angelgirl]

Hey Northbelle,

First,, please STOP being SO hard on yourself. We have all been where you are...
I have been where you are so many times. I probably wrote those same exact words, many times here at SR over the years.. But you know what, I have now been clean for almost 7 months... Yes, I am on Suboxone, but ya know there is no magic pill ever in sobriety, it helps, but it doesn't do it alone. I admit there have been times, that I have wanted to just give up, even on the suboxone, just go off, and start on the pilss again, at least in the beginning. Because, there really is no "magic" pill, sub does help, but it is really what I truly want in my life, and the help I have and am still willing to get to get me to a better plavce in my life, a happier far more stable life.. A life of no drugs. I don't want to live like that anymore.

I relapsed SO many times, and ya know what, some of the times, even after I went and spent THOUSANDS on detox, and treatment, I would turn RIGHT back around and
begin using right away, it seemed to make no sense to me, even though I was doing it, I hated it, I didn[t want to do it,,, I did it anyway. I didn't know how to deal anyother way. That is why I really believe that I have HAD to go through every relapse, every detox, (and there were alot of them) and every treatment, to get me to where I am today, they WERE NOT a WASTE of time, no way, that I NOT what I believe anyway, I learned more everytime I went back out, and came back. I learned more and more that the drugs made me very, very sick, I was sick when I was not on them (withdrawal) BUT I was ALSO sick when I WAS on them. That is what they did to me, they turned on me,,, the pills that I once felt got me through life, changed, and were now the devil they were making me very, very sick, even when I did take them. I became someone I NEVER EVER thought I could become. It just wasn't be,
Oh, but it as me, with an addiction, a disease, and illness.. Just like you..

Just reach out, get EVERY ounce of help you can get. That is what it took me in the end, this last time.. I have been through much help. Many groups. Alot of counseling. Spent alot of money, more medical bills that my family can even begin to handle, but I did it anyway, cuz I knew that they also could not handle the cost of my funeral, and that is where I was headed. They also could not handle the hurt I was giving them, and they could not handle the pain they saw me in.

It was time. I reached out. I beggerd. I had to literally BEG to get back into this last detox, I got kicked out of the hospital, the last time I was there, I was trouble, and they didn';t want me there, but by the grace of god, and my praying and begging, I got back in, and got help. I reached out. This can not be done ALONE.. That is what I believe. get help, no mattter what form, no matter what anyone whinks, this is YOUR recovery.. That is how I feel abotu the suboxone, I know it is not well recieved in NA, or in many other places, but I did learn from my counselor that, this is my recovery, I am the one that decides, I can NOT listen to what others think.. I can get support from others, but it comes down to my decisions. Just like if I decide I am goign to relapse, there is nothing anyone can do, it's my recovery, I will relapse if I want to.
I DO NOT want to. So, I reach out.

I hope you get something from all my babble LOL..
We do care about you.. You are one of us.. We want you to make it. Use US!!!!
Spit all the JUNK out of your head. You don't know anyone here. If you want to get everything out of your head, go ahead. You can do that. I do that. Cuz I know that
keeping junk in my head is like poison in my body. I need to get it the jnk out, the bad thoughts. The crap..

We will be here for you, don't you worry about that. You don't have to even ask..
We will support you. Just come post your heart out, and go for it..
AS for your sponsor, great for you!!! Some people need a really strong sponsor. But don't be afraid. She is not joined to you a the hip, If it does not work out, and you really try, and it's not because deep down you really want to use, so you are sabotaging your relationship with your sponsor, then you can always get a new one of it doesn';t work, right??? So don't let that worry you.
Worry is something you need to try not to do wo much of. I know, I am a constant worrier, I am working on that, I look for things to worry about if I have nothing LOL..

Wel, I have said alot, alot of babble.
I just want you to know that we are here for you,, go for iot darlin, you CAN DO THIS....
I can be your hope. I was just like you. I didn't get it right away, but then I dont know alot of people that do..

I'll be around.. Don't hesitate to PM me f you need to.
Keep posting, Love ya,
Becky

[northbelle]

I am better today..I trip myself out in my own mind!! Some really cool friends have been PM ing me and alot of people here have ALOT of good stuff to share..I know it has really given me the stregth to get up and PRESS ON..I beat myself up so much it is stupid..I am going to start maybe working the steps...I don't think I am going to be a ble to stay sober without something more solid under me..my best thinking..well..you see it here!! Thanks angel girl for taking the time to write me..I really feel pretty OK..Heading to the shower then off to work..I must get out of the house..I am alone with a crazy woman!!!! lol...yeah..just ME..love norhbelle..heading out in the freezing land of ALaska!!! BRRRRRRR..day 2 and a new outlook too!! I am reachin out fo rthe program....

[paralysisofwill]

I was glad to read this one....in the midst of detox right now and want SO BAD to use!!! Reading this helped though, I don't want to have to start over. Good luck...we can do this!

[hopealwayz]

(((northbelle)))
Don't beat yourself up!!! We are here for you and I want you to always remember that!!! Come on here and post and let us help you!!

This is a "one day at a time" journey and it has it ups and downs ,but no matter how rough things are now, THEY WILL GET BETTER!!! That I can promise you!!

Love,
Cheryl

[Alera]

Gosh, I remember those days when I would find a pill around. You are so right about a pill in the mouth is down the throat. I compare it to a baby who sees a piece of candy. There is no real thought about whether or not to eat it. Yum! It's gone.

Now, I won't go looking but if I found it, sure I'd take it. I know from where you speak so to say.

Take care and stay around. And work a program. Are you doing NA or ? I do SMART but always have the NA number handy if I have to get out to a meeting.

[northbelle]

Hey guys..I made it through work today..I am doing OK...came home from work and just went to sleep..did my sons homework with him made him dinner..so I will say I seem to be making it..it does just feel good to be able to think with a small amount of clarity..I had also been doing morophine and it makes me SOOO bitchy..nice not to feel that on the edge of rage feeling..no I don't feel my best but dang after reading about that Dr. Goober I may never touch another drug as long as i live!!! This is NOTHING and I can do this one day at a time..I have my meeting planned on Thursday..there is a NA close to my house..I work all week and have a son and no car so I really have to make a effort to get to meetings up here..the weather is less than friendly and we are on foot...I am grateful for this place..so grateful..really..AA is awesome but I love my internet and it is nice to have somewhere healthy to go and i get so much from you all..Just reading other peoples posts tonight lets me know how very fortunate I am..I'm not all strung out like I used to be..yeah I got a little habit but it is NOTHING compared to the horrible spots I have been in physically..I came back up to Alaska to get away from heroin and I have accomplished at least that much!! I have so much responsibility now it is overwhelming..I support both me and my kid on only my job so I have to keep things together or we don't eat..no child support or anything and it is a pretty tall order for a gal who hasn't supported herself much less a kid in ..well EVER..always had a man or a welfare check but now it is on me and sometimes it scares me to death..well got to go to bed so I can get up for the job tommorow..I am so damn tired..all I want to do is veg when I get home...It is only day 2 so it will get better and thanx you all for being here for me and letting me get out my fears..maybe soon I will even find I have some dreams too!!!!..and hopes!!! love in recov northbelle

[theNAway]

Belle,
I am so happy to hear you are doing well. I'll cut and paste that PM sometime if I get around to it.
Just thinking about Alaska all day...I saw the Northern Lights(Aurora Borealis) a few months back. It felt like a spiritual awakening for me. I had never seen them before and didn't know what to expect. Being from S. California, we only read about them.
The night it happened, I couldn't sleep, thinking about my Mom's death and how she died. Sorry to get graffic, but it helps for me to get it out, and to let people know how much it hurts. She was an alcoholic/addict, and was really drug and high one night, I guess tried to light a cigarette off the stove, and burned to death. For me the visions of that haunt me. Yet knowing she is looking down on me, praying that I will stay clean and not following in her footsteps helps me stay clean.
So when I saw these lights dancing in the sky as I looked up while having a cigarette, just amazed me. I prayed and talked to my Mom like she was dancing for me in the sky, proud of my recovery and all that I am doing. It was such a great thing.
Like I said at the time I had no idea what exactly it was. But when I txt messaged my sponsor - so I didn't wake him up - he called back and we talked for a couple hours, and shared about my Mom, her life and failed attempts at being clean. She was in sub therapy, as was I at the time (she was the one that told me about it with my Brother). We talked about my resentments towards it, and how it affected me. It was a GREAT night, one I will cherish, and helped secure that faith in a HP.
Being in Alaska, I wonder if they are a novelty. Just know they have helped another addict in recovery when you see them.
Thanks for letting me share that, and for being here and reminding me of that experience. Just like I have heard at meetings "Just being here is part of the program"
You just being here, helped keep me clean another day...thanks

[northbelle]

You sure made my morning..god how sad about your mom!!! Shows how sick and deadly this disease is!! I am just so sorry that she died because of it and I feel for you as that must be really tough to live with!! I lost my mom too when I was in prison she got really sick and was not supposed live until I got out...well by the grace of god I got out and went right to see at the nursing home where she was at and she died the next day..like she held on until I came...I will never look at the northern lights again now without thinking of moms...past and present..No they are still a big deal uphere too...Thanx for sharing that with me ..it will help keep me grateful for one more day..I have to get hooked up with NA ..they have some awesome sponsorship there i have noticed..I havenot had much luck in that area...althought the program up here isn't quite as big as some other places i have been...believe me drugs are just as bad here and especially booze...drinking is very socially acceptable..well I have to head off to work..feel like I just want to stay here and cover my head with a blanket...naaah..I am lucky to have a decent job so I better just count my lucky stars..I just feel a little under the weather today..kinda overwhelmed with my life right now..it is just so hard alone....I am having a hard time hooking up with people here...it is just me and my son and I guess i need to get in touch more with my higher power cause it is just too much to handle sometimes..I feel pretty alone ..thank god you guys are here...love in recov Belle

[northbelle]

Hey..what is up with the suboxone therapy?? Does it work ? Does it help?? Do I need to look into it?? It seems to be a big thing ..Have never met anyone up here eho used it?? Really curious?? thanx

[Alera]

NorthBelle,

You may want to look into SMART for some tools to help. I'm not a meeting person myself but I need tools to stay clean. SMART Recovery is right up my alley. It is web meetings as well as F2F. They don't have F2F where I live so I do the online meetings and work the tools. http://www.smartrecovery.org

They have tons of worksheets that keep me busy and my mind on recovery.

I know I'd not be clean today without those tools. Good luck whatever tools you find and use.

[theNAway]

Glad you could connect with the story about my Mom. It helps me to just get it out.
On the suboxone. It worked to keep me off the dope, but I always went back to it in the end. I have noticed it is a touchy subject here, and the only thing I can do is share my experience, how it affected me.
I also have my own personal opinions on Rxing it for lower levels of opiate addiction. The only thing it seemed to do for me, was up my tolerance. UNLESS it is used as a short term detox.
It obviously didn't work for my Mom, or myself, but it may for others. The addicts I have met in recovery, that have gotten clean after getting on it have said the same. That it should be used as a short term detox.
The bottom line is, when I realized I would have to detox off of that sometime, it didn't seem to be such a cure after all. I was just replacing one drug with another. I thought it was at the time, since I wasn't doing all the other "bad" stuff I was doing before. It was just something else that was Rxed to keep me from getting other stuff. I had the sweats, shakes, and all that other good stuff, when I missed a dose, and in the beginning getting on it. So I realized I would just have to detox off that at one point as well.
When I finally detoxed off everything, life became a lot clearer, and so did recovery. I wasn't a slave to another drug everyday either.
I am sure you will get the flip side of the coin from those on it now.
It is all personal choice and opinion. Having the experiences I have had, and the ones I have shared with others in recovery that are off it, it seemed to only prolong the inevitable.
I am sure there are threads on it here if you use the 'search' feature. As well as searching the web for info.
Just my take, from one addict on the web - there are many other views and takes on it,
Chad

[northbelle]

Still clean, day five sucks and why do I get the feeling it is goingt o be this way for awhile??? I had to use every ounce of integrity I had to make it throught he work day..I could hardly focus to type up envelopes...My legs feel like they I have muscular dystrophy or some damn thing...Yes..the joys of addiction just keep getting better!!!I feel like I am always hanging onto this life by a thread,,trying to keep up the will to put one foot in front of the other...I just don't feel like participating in anything today..ya know the truth of the matter is I would continue being a drug addict to the dirty ,ugly better end if I just hadn't of lost my game..kind of embarassing actually because I was proud of my abilities even if they were illegal..but anymore I am just too tired ...I guess I got too old....so now I am a old burnt out drug addict who's lost her game....I just hope i haven't totally lost my gratitude for just being alive..it just does not seem like such a wonderful thing right now..and i am just too tired to go score..sigh.....My I am cheery..think I better go lay in the bath.....with a little luck maybe I'll drown.....sorry I am not totally serious..just a little....northbelle....

[maricamp]

I think you'll start feeling better really soon. do you go to meetings or have some kind of program going on? that really helps...and another source of people who know what it's like and can encourage you. You are doing great....just focus on getting through today...you'll be fine.

It will get better....mari