Coke surivors help

[Ready2liveagain]

ere. My name is Nicole and I am a 25 year old alcoholic and addict. Really want some people who have delt with cocaine addiction and how they beat it to talk to me tell me there experiences and how they got through. Alcohol has always been my life long problem and addiction but over the years I started experimenting with other drugs out in clubs and so on. Found coke and loved it. Realized just like with alcohol I didn't do it normally whatever normal is. When it would appear I would not stop till it was gone then go around looking for more getting angry and aggitated till I found it and licking every bag clean, looking on floor(so sad)until the coming down was over. Coke was very hard on me because of my depression and how I felt the day after but more and more over the last 2 year I starting enjoying a few coctails and then as I started getting drunk before I would black out switch over to coke to make a nice balance. Soon my boyfriend of four years said he wouldn't let me do it anymore so once to four times a month I would get some and hide it and use it with drinking with out him knowing. Soon after he wanted me to get help for drinking or he was leaving so I began to hide that as well. Eventually I got a Duii this year. Was high and drunk going down a wrong way street when an officer stopped me and most likely saved my life. Having to do diversion on not drinking while in it didn't work. Was trying to drink around the UA's and would still get high times 1-3 every week or two. Eventually failed too many and was going to be sent back to courts and my boyfriend left saying he couldn't watch me kill myself anymore and that he was tired of the promises and nothing would ever change. After a few more nights of hell and getting high and even trying mixing some other drugs in there as well as trying smoking cocaine I realized how I was loosing everything I loved and could go to jail and that I was miserable so I decided to go into inpatient myself. Really was ready to quit the drinking and had been trying for last year. Unfortunetly we focused all on my main problem alcohol and not cocaine. I went 30days with out drinking or drugs then felt so proud I did well went out and got drunk and found coke. Really wanting to beat it I went back to meetings got my sponser and put myself on anitibuse. This is were it gets intresting. Well hmmmm when I started wanted to get drunk and not feel and numb things I couldn't drink so I got coke. That was one month and two weeks ago. Still sober now I am doing coke up to four times a week for 10 14 hour periods. I seriously can not believe how stupid I am. I gave up one thing to get another addiction. I can't get past two three days now. I keep trying I am going to meetings for both na and aa but keep relapsing. The thing with coke is I feel so great when I am high then insane when I am coming down. Everytime I say this is horrible at the end and I'm done and a few days go by and something triggers it and I can't stop thinking about it until I get it and I go through the whole thing again. Does anybody have any suggestions. How did you guys beat it? Really want to help or advice from people who have been there and got through it. I pray I can to. I want to be free and clean of all drugs and alcohol and happy on my own.. Please help.. nic

[carolm]

Hi Nicole,

Although I've been sober for twelve years, I was unconditionally addicted to coke. For a few years, I did it two or three times a week in small amounts. Then for two years I did it everyday and in large quantities. I spent every cent on the stuff. I'm ashamed to say that my need was so great that I stole $10,000 from my mother's bank account which she had put in my name so she would be eligible for elderly housing. I could not do anything without it. I couldn't get up, I couldn't get dressed, I couldn't go out. I needed it to function. At first, of course, it feels good. But I reached a point where I would stay up for three to four days and keep doing it even though it made me sick. I would vomit and then go back for more. This addiction is hell and I walked into it with my eyes wide open. But I crawled out of that hell on my belly. I went to two rehabs and relapsed. Finally, I had a breakdown. I went to a psychiatric rehab kicking and screaming, but when I finally came out, I never used again. At first I thought about it all the time, but then less and less. If someone told me there was a new coke that wasn't addictive, that I could use it without needing it, and it was cheap I might be the first person in line. But that will never happen.

The drug owned me. The constant anxiety caused by it: where will I get the money, will my dealer be around and will he have any, the hiding and the secrets. I began to hate myself. All I can say is that now I don't have all of that on my back: in my mind, in my dreams, in my every waking moment. I am so grateful for this freedom. It takes awhile to feel better when you quit, but the rewards are monumental. FREEDOM! Keep at it. You know you want to quit, but you must persevere. I know if I had continued, I would probably not be alive today. I know this message is not very uplifting, and I hope I haven't upset you. I just know the devastation this addiction can wreak. Please respond back to me, and next time I'll try not to be so morbid. Any questions, any thoughts, I'm here to listen.
Thinking of you,
Carol

[sumtimes slowly]

Freedom is pretty uplifting to me, Carol!

I've been continuously clean & sober for 11 years and share many aspects of your story. I went to nine rehabs and relapsed. I did the fish (convulsions), I almost died. I had to hit bottom. It had to hurt enough so that the torment of detox and discomfort of early recovery looked good. I had to get done. Done for me was that my brain no longer regarded cocaine use as a positive experience. Once that happened, there was no good memories to trigger cravings.

That's what it took me to do Step 1 with me heart. I did detox one more time, hooked up with a good sponsor, and starting working a good 12-step program. My treatment (which is as good as a cure) continues to this day. Still working it, still have a sponsor, and still expect a miracle each day.

I beat it my surrendering to it.

s. slowly

[nocoke]

I also think your message was very uplifting Carol. I also have an addiction to cocaine and have been in and out of rehaps. I have 4 months clean from coke and 31 days sober from alcohol. Wow, that was some story, did your Mother forgive you? I have did some terrible things throughout my addiction. Most of which only I know about. It's hard having all these memories, I've seen things that noone should see. Sometimes I feel so disgusted in myself. I know that I should forgive myself because I was truly a sick person and addiction is a disease but I am having alot of trouble with it. I live everyday in regret and I always remember the person I was. When will the memories fade? Will they always be with me? Tammy

[brasco]

hey nicole,

ur story was uplifting to me! I have a similiar struggles and this is my first time on here. really not sure how to navigate this site yet, but i know i'm scared and need help. I hav a rags to riches story and i won't bore you with the details, but here is the poop! I hav many vices and it seems that coke and booz have found the pole position. I did a 1/4 ounce of **** this weekend and it was because it was the procrastinated last time, right. I am very strong willed and hav always been able to self rehab, so i thought. I am a professional by day and a shark at night. I hav worked so hard to get where i am and i am turning into that comercial that snorts all my luxary away. I am a young executive in construction who has challenged life by succeding without education and suffer the stress that im just a facade. I have been blessed because i have never hurt anyone or been busted. No DWI and it is only a mircle because i have drove around in company vehicles all fkd up with a package in my pocket. I don't have that hole religous thing going on but someone has been watching over me. I trully believe it is because of my tough life when young. My luck has run out and i am eather going to die or get busted and lose everything. it is ironic because i work out all the time and care about my looks. I looked int he mirror at myself last night all amping out and thought abt how i was going to recover and put a suit on in a cuple of hours. I pulled it of again and i am sitting at my desk with my nose bleeding and my chest wanting to explode. I too am searching for a way to save my life and don't know how!!! Thank you for sharing and it was positive for me that someone might be able to relate and not think i'm a loser.

peace b with you...

donnie

[wantneeda]

welcome!!!
how???
honesty
openmindedness
willingness
surrender to win
with no reservations
i kept doing it so that i had something to beat myself up for
bottom line is life is better clean and sober
i finally decided i want to live not die and thats where i was headed
the drinking and the drugs are but syptoms
we gotta heal our souls
one day at a time
when you feel like giving in and using pick up the phone, post on here
whatever it takes
its not an easy road, hardest one i've come across
you are worth the fight
it gets easier as time goes by
but...time takes time
keep coming back
hugs, Wendy

[Moontime]

Hey- cocaine brought me to my knees, but I don't suffer from a drug addiction. I suffer from the disease of addiction, insert substance here. It's the thing between my ears that becomes the problem when I put anything in my body. Desperation, Grace, and Willingness to live a different way all met me that day I came back to the rooms of NA. The rest is history and I haven't touched a drug in a minute. I got a sponsor, I got involved with service, I changed all my phone numbers with NA members and I listened to direction. I started working steps and I started changing. By changing I started using the spiritual principles in my life and here I am today. You can do it!

[brasco]

Hey Nicole,

I lived thru yesterday and it is funny how I think everyhting is OK, again. I hope I don't forget how I felt before this weekend. I just hate how I forget my battle when I get away with partying (job and not getting busted ect...). I wish this process was easier to get help. I just moved here(Rochester, NY) and there are no clear answers to meetings or a place to go. I hate being discrete, but have to much to lose. Mayb I have to much to lose if I don't? Sorry for un-loading on you, just scared...

[mchockfan]

Hello Nicole,

Coke never was my "main" thing but I did go through a few months of rocks and they got ahold of me pretty good. Enough so that it finished off the damage alcohol started.

One thing that helped me is watching how other people I used with acted. They were all very experienced and had progressed well down the tube. It made me sick to see how they treated even their friends. Stealing the dope, looking for things to come back and steal, losing everything they owned and not even taking care of jobs or children. They would get so paranoid you couldn't even enjoy the high with them.

I had known these people for years and was it was known that I wasn't much for coke. But the base was another story. One hit I was had.

I started by telling all of them, that I was done with it and not to come around with any in them or on them. Of course, when they got drunk and high they would come around and want to get high just one more time. I found that by not letting them in and getting very loud they would leave. I would yell at them to take their crack head asses out of here. Not wanting the neighbors to know what was up they would scurry off.

For a week or two I even woke up dreaming about the stuff. I was luck the and had alienated all my sources so I couldn't just go out and find some. Never was one to go out on the streets looking. That's been about ten years ago.

If you can stay busy and not go looking for some, and get away from the people you used with it really helps. The first month was real hard but then it was OK. Even today though I have to turn away from the tv if someone is using in a movie. If I walk in to a place an people are using coke I run away.

Best wishes, you can do it and it does get better.