awake and thinkgn

[MagdaM]

my ex-rommate just passed noiut on thw couch. she came over aat around 5 and we went to eat. and then we came back Aand we smoked the ice she had in her pocket for a long time. and then we decided trpo call everyone and just do whatever we wanted all night but we bpth got screwed up early in the night aand . but now people arer gone and i'm here and therer isn't any tv. i want to die. thanks

[Chance]

that is my favorite drug is ICE and I have not done it for over four months now, it has not been easy, and right now I have been thinking man it would be nice. Then I wouldn't have to deal with all of the sh!t that has been going on with me moving and not knowing where to go. I don't know I am just trying to hang on right now. Hope that you are ok


Love Vic

[In memory of miracle]

Well Mag...Today is a new day, Try again.
Bless,Trish

[MagdaM]

no its not. "every day is exactly the same" trent sings on the stereo. i'm just gonna die before i'm 30 anyway. see--some people just can't do it. you guys are lucky. i hope you remember how lucky you are. the dead don't rest too easy. i'm not better than them-- i'm not better than the rest of my family, my friends, my town. i'm the same trash with a death sentence on my head. stupid to think otherwise. and what id i think i was going to do with my time anyway? failure tastes so good firends. tastes like the happiness i've never had. guess i don't really belong here.

[51anna]

Magda,

I thought failure was the only way to go too. I was so used to failing that it felt very uncomfortable to succeed at anything and when I tried to stop drinking I would sabotage myself over and over again. I was too afraid to go to something new - I felt much safer in my old turf of feeling bad.

Magda you have to step out of that cycle, and you can do this. None of us is any better than anyone else, we're all just trying to get by and you can decide to do get sober. Please believe that you deserve happiness in your life.

Love, Anna

[Chance]

You do belong here just as much as I do but you have to do your part just like I have to. We can only do so much, if your not willing to help yourself how the **** do you expect these guys to help YOU. Your are no better or no worse than me, IF WE WANT TO PLAY THE ****en beet us game, I am real ****en good at that.

[odie123]

Sometimes we need to choose when to hang out with some of our friends, or not at all....keep busy..
also..struggling,
oats

[MagdaM]

i'm not better than my freinds. i'm worse. i'm the one who got so many of them into all this ****. i'm the evil dealer remember. i'm the devil. you're right i ahve to get clean myself if i want to. i guess i don't i'm sad that it's going to end this way. i was starting to think about other things. b ut actually i'm sort of relieved. no, i don't want to get clean. oh well. ****me. i know how to make myself feel better though. more than anyone else can say.

[Chance]

Well I don't know what to say you must want to or you wouldn't be here, the same for me I must want to or I would not be here. Togeather we can do this, HEY Magda do you know where I could move, I don't have a clue where to move and I have to be out of here in two days?

Love Vic

[In memory of miracle]

Mag
I understand your despair. You know if we didnt have that sense of failure or sadness their would be no reason to change. I was way down when I started my recovery. Sometimes we just can't stop doing things that are familiar to us. Despair, sadness thoughts of death, they were all familiar to me, you need to get yourself some help.You are loved,Mag.
Bless, Trish

[wantneeda]

nothing changes if nothing changes Mag,
your critic has got you right where it wants you, your ego is winning this battle, but you know what? Your spirit is stronger than you think, stronger than you give it credit for.
ok, you used, can't change it. Accept it.
I can't go this journey alone, my ego will tell me that i can though, that I should, that i don't deserve to be happy, i am as unique as everybody else.
You have a will, you have a choice, your spirit is screaming for help.
i had to lose my using friends Mag, i found new friends. I found my will to live. And everyday that i don't use my spirit gets stronger still.
YOU ARE WORTH THE FIGHT, MAG, FIGHT!!!!
yours in recovery, Wendy

[Chance]

((((((Magda))))))

I just clicked on the site and saw you were on line so I decided that since you were on line that I would log in would you like to go to the chat room and talk for awhile I have a little time right now and would love to talk with you.

Love Vic

[BrothaBrown9258]

Its easier said than done mag. If you truley want to stop then you will. I dont know you I dont no what your deal is but I do no a little about addiction. Im 18 about to have a baby and im addicted to oppiates(oxys and percs) and when I use all I do is hurt every1 around me. I been this big f**k up for 3 yrs now and I havent done shyt with my life. I blame myself for every1 but in the end blaming yourself for other things is just wantin a pity party for urself. Now im not tryin to **** you off in anyway but to me being on this forum is for people wanting help. And I personally want the help. So if u jus gunna rant and rave about shyt then maybe go sumplace else. Sorry for bein a D**k but thats jus how it is. If you ever want to talk send me a private message Im all f**ked up just like you.


Brotha Brown

[stormyautumn]

Belive me most of us felt the same way before we quit...powerless...I know I have tried a few times to stop drinking. Everytime I am more determined....Have you tried a meeting? If that isn't the way to go then read up on your addiction/disease. I myself like to read and self medicate..obviously lol

[BrothaBrown9258]

Sorry for coming off like an a**hole. I just want you to get the point that you need to believe in yourself and deep down u can do it. Dont just give up mag its stupid dont let this disease get u. You need to let yourself beat this disease. You jus gotta try n be happy even if its the saddest situation your in and just believe in yourself. Again I apologize for coming off like an a**hole but I dont like to see people all messed up.

Brotha Brown

[betterdayz]

I feel just as hopeless as you do. I am not going to use today though ..doesnt mean I dont feel like crawing up in a ball and dying..I just hope if I continue not to use these thoughts will go away.

[MagdaM]

im scared that all i can look forward to in sobriety is having to deal with the fact that my body is destroyed-and dying slowly and young without anything to stop the pain. someone say there is more to it than that. given my options i think i can quit on a long shot.

[spirit30]

There's a scientific side to this stuff too Mag. Because you have been flooding your brain with drugs, it (your brain) has temporarily lost it's ability to produce it's own seritonin. That's a big part of the reason why you feel so bad when you stop. If you stop long enough, your brain chemistry WILL return to normal...like all good things it takes time. Also realize that Negative self-talk is COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. It just drives you further into the abyss. Start doing some of your own research about addiction...take control...you can find your way out of this.

[In memory of miracle]

MagMag,
There is so much more to it,give yourself the gift of time, and crawl out of the hole. I felt like you do in the begining of my recovery.Go to a meeting and get some help.

[Alycia]

Mag,
when I see people that have been off for a while they look so different or normal. It can and will happen to all of us....I have to go to my first meeting, wish me luck...I'll tell u guys later about how horrible or good it was....:?)

[MagdaM]

good luck babe--I'm really behind you

[stormyautumn]

Originally Posted by MagdaM

im scared that all i can look forward to in sobriety is having to deal with the fact that my body is destroyed-and dying slowly and young without anything to stop the pain. someone say there is more to it than that. given my options i think i can quit on a long shot.

Well then you can just keep using and die faster...so which sounds better?

[MagdaM]

honestly?...don't know at all.

[spirit30]

Originally Posted by MagdaM

im scared that all i can look forward to in sobriety is having to deal with the fact that my body is destroyed-and dying slowly and young without anything to stop the pain. someone say there is more to it than that. given my options i think i can quit on a long shot.

Mag, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you today. Please know that there IS more to this life. This life CAN wonderful. Peace, love and happiness can be yours if you CHOOSE to go for it.

You said in one of your posts that you're the bad one because you have led some friends down the same path of self-destruction(or something to that effect). The first thing i thought when i read that post was that you're probably a leader. Unfortunately, you used your gift of leadership incorrectly. You're not a bad person, you're a good person who made a mistake. And all good people make mistakes. You have a choice as to how you will use this (and all your other) gifts in the future.

I also want to tell you about my uncle who is a recovering alcoholic. I won't go into the details of his past but let me tell ya...it was horrible. We thought we might loose him several times to addiction. He hurt himself and the ones he loved for many, many years (he's now 50 yrs old). It didn't matter though. Although he upset us, we still loved him the same...blood is thicker then beer i guess. Today Mag, he is clean and sober and enjoying life. He's been clean for at least 7 or 8 years (although he did have a couple of slips a few years ago). He now helps others who were in his shoes through his envolvment with AA. He has 2 beautiful girls, a home, and a great job (he was on social assistance throughout all of his drinking years). He laughs, he sings, and he tells jokes all the time. He's a pleasure to be around. It took some time but he made it and you will too.

Remember too that pain is a part of growth and change. It's ok to cry and it's ok to make mistakes. it's ok to love yourself, it's ok to be wrong, it's ok to be right, it's ok to be a bitch....All you have to do is be yourself.

I've been doing some reading on this site and am finding it really helpful in my own personal growth: http://www.psychologyhelp.com/book.htm

I'm almost 31. My 20s were difficult too. I questioned myself and my direction in life so much. Questions, questions, questions. Why me, why me, why me. That's all i did. I'm not like that hardly as much anymore (although i'm still a thinker) and i expect that by the time i'm 40 i'll be on top of the world. You can change the way you feel Mag, I know you can. The drugs you are taking are preventing you from acheiving your own personal growth.

Love yourself Mag. It feels real good.

[MagdaM]

i can't believe you thought of me--i mean, to write that kind of post. thanks. the words are beautiful. i like to believe them. it's not that i don't want to quit. i know that i'm hiding but its not because i'm an irrationally acred person. but i don't know those things you're talking about.
***i had written this long rant after that but it basically just comes down to--that's not the kind of life i've had. even when i was barely old enough to remember. so i'm not just weak and irrational. i have my doubts. and i don't know if it would be stupider to keep them and miss out on this great thing you supposedly have--or to give them up and find out i was right to being with.***