I made a big mistake

[angelgirl]

I am having one of my darkest days. I feel terrible. I haven't gotten out of this chair hardly at all today. I have spent the day crying, and did not even get out of my PJ'S. I know, sick.

I then made a big mistake. I haven't paid my house payment for June or July, we don't have any money. My husband makes good money, but we have judgments against us for court, for my medical bills, and we have to make a those payments, along with trying to catch up with our gas and electric bill, since I got very behind in the winter. I feel like I'm suffocating under this crap. I got desperate today, and first called a local food pantry since we won't have enough money to buy food next week, so my husbands check can go for our house payment. I have never gotten free fodd from a place like that, so I didn't know what to do, so I called, and already feeling really low, I talked to that woman and she said you paid your bills instead of your house payment?? You shouldn't pay your bills until you pay your house payment, you didn't pay it last month either?? I tried to explian a bit, but obviously she was in no mood to listen to me, since I paid my bills instead of my house payment. I just said thank you and hung up.
So then I made my big mistake, I have a friend, he's 46 and he's a millionaire, honestly a millionaire. I have NEVER asked him for anything, ever, we are wonderful friends. I know he is not a bank. But through desperation, I asked if he would loan me 1500.00 and I would make small monthly payments, and it would catch us up on the house. That would really help. I have no where else to turn, and I fear losing my house because i don't know where we would go, or if Social Services would take my kids, if I didn't have anywhere to go. I am afraid of that very much, that would push me right over the edge...
He said he can't because his wife won't let him. I understand that. I do, he is my friend, very close friend, and I would never do anything to make him decieve his wife, I care to much for him.
But I was really sorry fior asking, and regreted it as soon as I hit send, because that is not what our friendship is about. I sent him another a bit after that, and said I was sorry, I was having a really low day, and to forget I asked, but he emailed me back, and said that about his wife. I feel so stuipid. It really hurt my pride as I'm sure it would anyone to ask, and I am so sorry not to mention embarrassed that I even did that. I can't take it back. But now I am afraid to talk to him, he is supposed to call me tomorrow.
He is also in recovery, and has helped me immensely. He is a wonderful guy. We went to treatment together a few years ago, and he has been sober since. He was the person who pushed and pushed, but he pushed very gently for me to go to the hospital again in April, so I could get my life together.
Oh, I am ashamed. I am embarrased to talk to him tomorrow.
Well, I just needed to get that out, I am so depressed today. I can't get past this funk... My moods are so all over the place.
I spent time feeling guilty today, because I was watching Oprah today,and there was a woman who's husband tried to kill her, stabbing her over 50 times. She lived, but he killed their kids. I felt so guilty that I am having this day, feeling to bad to even change my clothes, and there are people out there who have so much worse. I bet that woman would live in her car with her kids, gladly, or even have them in a foster home, just to have them alive.
I should be more grateful. But sometimes, like today, I feel like the world is dark, I feel so low,,,
Thanks for listening to me. I appreciate it very much, Please don;t rip on me for this, I already feel like crap... I never wanted to kill myself, but I sure feel like getting in bed, and not getting out..... Not dying, jsut not getting out. Sleeping for a long, long time. Don't you ever feel like that???
Thanks, Love Becky

[In memory of miracle]

I am sorry you are having a tough day. Be easy with yourself. It will pass. If you didn't drink or drug today then you are a roring sucess, and tommorow's not here yet, so let's not worry about it. Financial problems are tough I know. We do what we can do. Keep the faith.
Bless, Trish

[angelgirl]

Thanks very much Trish. I did not use today. I have been clean since April 6th.
Thanks also for the support, I really need it today.

Love ya, Becky

[In memory of miracle]

Congrad's on your 90 day's !

[dmajor7th]

"I haven't gotten out of this chair hardly at all today. I have spent the day crying, and did not even get out of my PJ'S. I know, sick."

I'm like that every day. I don't get dressed or brush my hair unless I have to go out-which only happens when I have a doctor's appointment. Maybe it's not the best thing to admit to, but to hell with it. I'm not doing heroin, or cocaine, I'm not drinking, I've quit methadone and I am now at the start of a xanax taper-so clothes be damned! Don't feel stupid about that, or that you asked your friend for money. It seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to do under the circumstances. I do things sometimes and feel REALLY stupid after and WORRY about it. Then later I realize it's really not worth it. It's a small thing really. This man is your friend-you'll see-tomorrow everything will be ok when you talk to him. Your money situation is different. I don't know anything about money or debts. I've never had any or owned anything. But I understand that there are places that can help with debt. Eddie gave you a link-did you look into that? As far as phoning the food bank-so what? I've gone when I had to. That woman was being a witch, making you feel bad. Never give in to intimidation from someone like that. The foodbank is there for people who need it-if you need it-show up and get some bloody food. When dealing with bureaucrats don't tell them anything-unless they ask-I know this can be difficult for some people-as I have a "confession" problem. I have a hard time lying too-even when to tell the truth will hurt me.(I'm talking about when people ask questions that are none of their business and I should not say things like "Well, I'm on methadone." -that kind of stuff) I am not advocating lying. I'm simply saying do what you have to do to get what you need. Phone again and tell them what they want to hear. If you get the same woman-tell her you need it and when can you come and get your food-ask to talk to her supervisor if there is a problem. Easy to say-I know-I'm working on this myself. But I'm starting to stand up to people a bit better than I used to. Becky, who takes care of YOU? You're not bad-you are human. Do your best to deal with the financial situaition-as that will cause you more stress-look into it. Get advice from someone who knows more than I do. But don't take any crap-and don't beat yourself up.
Take care, Cate.

[DanaNicole29]

You were not in the wrong at all dear and he is your friend so of course you should still talk to him! He cares about you and I am sure he wouldn't want you to stop talking to him.
As for getting in bed and sleeping and then sleeping some more, I suffer from SEVERE depression so I understand. I used to do that for a week at a time. Guess what, it don't help anything, or make it go away. In fact, your problems progress that way. PLUS, you get yourself in a vicious circle. The fact that you are still sober is GREAT success! We all have problems and it won't last forever. If there is anything you can do about it today, by all means do it. But if not, quiet your mind, worrying gets you NO WHERE. Do something you enjoy doing. Get up, get dressed and do SOMETHING. Laying in bed when you are in this mode, will only feed the negative feelings....
Best wishes

[roadie58]

Sleep is the great healer. Just be careful of isolating too much. Talk to hubby and the kids tonight. Did you eat today? Water? Vitamins? Regardless of the situations, consider the day a success if you got through it without using or drinking, okay?

Watch a funny movie tonight, get some sleep, we'll talk tomorrow, alright?

[Chance]

Congradulation and you know you probably helped him to get out of himself today and that is what this is all about. I have been praying for you and everything will be ok as long as we stay clean and sober, atleast we have a chance that way

[51anna]

Becky,

I'm sorry about your bad day and sorry that you got a hard time when you called the Food Bank. Not all Food Banks are like that, in fact I help out at one in my city and there are no questions asked, ever. It's understood that if people come there, they need help at the moment. So, don't give up that idea.

As for your friend, I'm sure he understands how you feel and it will soon be forgotten. I'm sorry it's hard for you and your family right now. I hope you can keep moving forward and you'll find things get easier.

My thoughts are with you.

Love, Anna

[JackBQuick]

Becky, don't feel bad about any of that. I think all of us here feel that way most of the time. I've been sitting in bed watching TV for a few months now. I started to feel better last Friday but then I got up and wore myself out and have been laying around trying to get my energy back up. I am slowly feeling better though as time goes on. As for the money thing, I think anyone would do the same thing in your position. I had $40,000 in the bank in March, and today my bank is overdrawn by $350. I had to borrow $600 from a friend of mine to pay rent and I don't know what I'm going to do now, but stuff happens to everyone. I'm sure you wouldn't think twice about lending money to a friend if they were in the same situation. You wouldn't think bad of them, and I'm sure your friend doesn't think bad of you. Just remember that feeling bad about it isn't going to help you get anywhere. This time next year, you'll probably be able to look back at this and laugh. I hope things get better for you, and hang in there.

[JackBQuick]

Oh, and by saying "looking back and laughing", I didn't mean that your situation is funny by any means. I'm just saying that I've made myself feel bad about things I've done or things I've asked people before, and later on I could look back and see that it was no big deal and laugh at myself for even worrying about it in the first place. Just wanted to clarify my thought. Anyway, keep your head up, I hope things will get better for you soon.

[angelgirl]

Thanks so much to all of you who replied, and said such nice things.
I am feeling a bit better, still in my Pj's, well now it's a little late to get out of them, it's almost 2am.
Tomorrow is a new day, and maybe it will seem a bit better. Not necessarily the money thing, but at least life won't seem so dark. I made a mistake, and now I need to push on. I know he will not think any less of me, he knows of my situation, and has told me before he feels bad about it, because he has sooo much money.
That is his money though, and he has helped me so much just in being there and the strength he has shown, I am truly grateful for him. He probably saved my life this last time when he convinced me to go to treatment.
Although my husband recieved a phone call from the hospital today, and they want to know what we are going to do with the over 10,000 bill I have at the hospital from my last detox in April. You know I don't regret that detox, because it really helped me, but to cost over 10,000 for 4 nights in the hospital is just ridiculous, It's a horrible time we are in, that to get health care, you have to go into that kind of debt. I can't pay all that money....
I did not use, and to tell you the truth, I have had cravigns lately, and these recent cravigns are the first I have had, since I started suboxone 2 months ago, (thanks to god) but so far they have been very controlable cravings. I really have NO intention of using, none. I don't want to go back there again, I have done so much damage to my family, that it would be extremely selfish at this point for me to use. Because they have suffered so much, emotionally, and finacially from all my using. I just could not do it to them again. I was writing down my history of using, detoxing, treatment, using, detoxing, treatment,,,,,, and on and on and on.. for the last few years. It is absolutely sickening!! I have been in detox and in treatment so much. How can I use again. I can't, no way. I think honestly, that my husband might actually kill me, literally. He has had it. I think he can take no more. It's one thing when you make yourself suffer, but I take innocent kidds and a husband down with me everytime I decided to pick up and use. I pray to god, it will never happen again.
I didn't think you meant that my situation was funny Jack. It's ok, I totally understand what yur saying and I hope I can laugh about it in the future.
I feel as though I have been doing alot of whinning here at SR lately. I am sorry about that. I don't mean to bring anyone down, and I hope I don't. I just have felt SO down lately..
I LOVE YOU ALL!! REALLY!!!
THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT AND KIND WORDS.
Love, Becky

[CarolD]

for help...and you do not have to be connected with the organizations or so I have found. And having kids will be a plus.

These all have a fund for needy families....VFW...American Legion... Mascinic Lodge..Scottish Rite.

Try also Salvation Army...Catholic Charities..Churches

Check for...Angel Ministrues...Helping Hands.

In the front of my local phone book is a list for various organizations for assistance. Check yours out.

Can you vorrow on life insurance?
Contact the morgage holder on house for more time.
Go to food bank..no calls.

Hope some of these are beneficial Becky. Blessings..

[best]

Becky

There are times we bring support for others and there are times we look for support for ourself.

You bring encouragement to others so many times, don't ever need say you are sorry for being human and looking for a place to vent or seek a kind word for yourself.
We all come here for the same reason... to seek support or give support and sometimes both.

[angelgirl]

Carol thank you very much for the info. I will check it out first thing in the morning. OH wait it is morning
Have to have a little humor..
Where I live though is a very small area, and I'm certain we don't have some of the names listed, but i will check out what I can. I think I will also call my local help (crises) line, they always have alot of info.

BEST-- You have a way of making me cry. I always get excited when I see that you have posted on my thread. I'm silly... But you do have this way about you.
Thanks so much for the very kind words. Things are just notlooking good at the moment, but they will get better, I am praying.
They have to get better.... My mental state can't take no more.
I love ya best, I love ya all.. I am so happy I have all of you... Thanks for listening.. I am also very happy to hear that I do bring encouragement to others, I needed to hear that too, I don't want to be this big old sour person, who only complains, I want to help people and make them feel good, like you do...
Love Becky

[roadie58]

Hope you got back to sleepy time okay Becky. 3:00 am is a heck of a time to be wide awake. Today will be better.

[shestruggles]

Hey Becky,
Sorry I'm so late in posting, but I just wanted to mirror what the rest of yor friends have said -you DID NOT make a mistake.

When I saw the title to your thread I almost swallowed my heart - I thought, my god, she used! Of course you didn't. You are so strong.

**** that foodbank. I persoanlly am so tired of people treating me like crap.

I had a breakdown yesterday as well - being yelled at by a gym manager who is STEALING money from me (I quit the gym properly months ago). He told me I was a whiney bitch, and there was no way I could prove HE was taking the money. Plus, when they took it out, I was overdrawn on my account and he had a few choice words about my pathetic BROKE ass.

Sorry for the sidetrack (btw I called and called everywhere I could think of when I stopped crying and finally found a consumer advocacy group that will help)

Anyhow, people treat you like crap when your'e broke. I am certain that the constant collections calls, guily and anxiety have driven more than one good person over the edge. don't let it be you.

It's hard, we feel like we have no control. I have also had cravings, and this big feeling of wanting to just give up. My life is in the toilet, I am so in debt I can't breathe, I hate all the snide people who jugde me....i just want to be happy -comfortably numb...

But, like you, I won't use. WE CAN"T. It will only make things worse........

PM me later, dear.

MuchLove: SS

[tyler]

Becky, as far as medical bills go you can usually apply for hardship payments with the hospital. That may reduce or even eliminate your debt. If that doesn't work make sure you pay them something, even if it's only $10 a month. I don't think they can take you to court if you are paying them something. This doesn't apply to all bills just medical stuff, it may vary from state to state, but I think it's federal law. Good luck

[Jane63]

{{{Angel}}}
Like SS, I saw the topic of your thread and my heart sank. But since it is not that terrible news and you ARE still clean and at 90-days which is an AWESOME, GREAT and WONDERFUL thing please don't be so hard on yourself!

I think everyone here has felt the way you have been feeling at sometime or another in their lives. Those "funks" are so agravating and I know because I go through periods like that too...actually have been in one all this stupid week, GrrRRR! Like another poster said, sleep IS good and we need it, especially in recovery, but you have to find a balance and if you work on it, you will find one in time. Try to set a bedtime and a waking time...get up and wash and get dressed...I even got so I put my make-up on even if the only one seeing me allday was the dog! Get out of that house hun...gradually and doing something you feel comfortable with...little walks around the neighborhood or visiting the library...make a picnic lunch date with the hubby! Heck, PB&J IS the staple of life!!!
The post by "Carol" had alot of good info on it and I have also suggested asking your hospital if you could make payments so I would definately check into that. Make you a list of what all you need to check into and work your way down, but only take a day or two to work on this and then give yourself a day or two to NOT deal with it...don't overwhelm yourself with it all at once...we all need a break from the stress sometimes and especially now so early in recovery.

You have been such an inspiration to many here so I can only imagine how you are to friends in the 3-D world! Don't worry so much about what your friend thinks...There is nothing wrong with asking for help and I'm sure he understands!
Sending you {{HUGS}} and keeping you in my prayers as always!
Jane

[angelgirl]

Originally Posted by roadie58

Hope you got back to sleepy time okay Becky. 3:00 am is a heck of a time to be wide awake. Today will be better.

Thanks Roadie, you're right, today was a bit better, still the same problems, but I'm not as depressed today. So that makes things seem better.. Thanks for the support. Love, Becky

[angelgirl]

Originally Posted by shestruggles

Hey Becky,
Sorry I'm so late in posting, but I just wanted to mirror what the rest of yor friends have said -you DID NOT make a mistake.

When I saw the title to your thread I almost swallowed my heart - I thought, my god, she used! Of course you didn't. You are so strong.

**** that foodbank. I persoanlly am so tired of people treating me like crap.

I had a breakdown yesterday as well - being yelled at by a gym manager who is STEALING money from me (I quit the gym properly months ago). He told me I was a whiney bitch, and there was no way I could prove HE was taking the money. Plus, when they took it out, I was overdrawn on my account and he had a few choice words about my pathetic BROKE ass.

Sorry for the sidetrack (btw I called and called everywhere I could think of when I stopped crying and finally found a consumer advocacy group that will help)

Anyhow, people treat you like crap when your'e broke. I am certain that the constant collections calls, guily and anxiety have driven more than one good person over the edge. don't let it be you.

It's hard, we feel like we have no control. I have also had cravings, and this big feeling of wanting to just give up. My life is in the toilet, I am so in debt I can't breathe, I hate all the snide people who jugde me....i just want to be happy -comfortably numb...

But, like you, I won't use. WE CAN"T. It will only make things worse........

PM me later, dear.

MuchLove: SS

Hey SS, nope didn't use.. That's definately the last thing I need. I certainly have not felt strong at all, but I know that we all really are strong, if we weren't, we wouldn't be this far, we would have continued on the easier path of using, because that is easier SHORT term, to make me feel better, but I know long term, it's a terrible idea.

I sure hope you get your money back. That is certainly something that you have to do something about, can not let some JERK steal your money...!! Even if we had extra, no way!!
Yes, peopel do treat you worse when you are really broke, not all people, but over all, that is the feeling they give us. That woman was just mean. Mayeb she was having a bad day, I don't know, but she sounded like an nit picky old lady.. Like the kind that wants to know everyones business, so she can run out and tell everyone. That is a HUGE problem were I live, because the community is so small. I really don't like that, I mind my own business as best I can, and want everyone else around here to. I won't make friends with 95% of my neighbors either.. I am so anti-social..

Things just got pretty bad yesterday, and I was just so depressed. I don't cry often, but when I do the flood gates open... Not good. Well, crying is good for you, and I should do it more often, a problem I've had for as long as I can remember. I hate crying in front of people...

We can't give up, we will get through, no matter what, because we HAVE to, no choice... Not for us We will win this battle, I hope and pray....
Hope things are better for you today,
Love, Becky