Ended up in the ER again this morning

[angelgirl]

Last night I couldn't sleep again, and finally went down about 4 or 4:30 (somewhere around there) anyway, when it was time for my husband to get up at about 6:45, something made me jump out of bed, I realized then that I was having a bad dream, not a nightmare just a bad dream.. So I got up, and was taking the dogs outside, and I got that terrible feeling again, almost like my body went cold, and like an electrical zapping through my body, and instantly I had to go to the bathroom (sorry but I'm trying to say just what happened incase maybe anyone can relate), and my heart started pounding really fast.. For some reason my "normal" sitting heart rate is around 100-110 beats per min. that is when I am not doing anything at all. But my heart began to pound very fast, well if that has happened to anyone, you'll know, it makes you very uncomfortable, makes me feel like I am running a marathon. Or like I want to crawl out of my skin... Not a good feeling..
So I thought I was having a heart attack, and made myhusband take me to the ER. I have panic attacks, and this seemed different, also I wasn't under any real stress, I had just gotten out of bed, I was having a bad dream, but other than that, I wasn't stressed, and it it when I took the dogs out, that was right after I got out of bed.
I have been having on and off high blood pressure to, although when I went in today, it wan't to bad, and came down while I was there.
While sitting in the ER, they had the BP cuff, a heart and pulse monitor on me, my heart rate would come down to "my normal" of about 100 or so, even a bit lower at times, but I continued to have those episodes of it the heart rate spiking up to 130-140 or so.
Well in the end they came to the conclusion that I was having a panic attack, I don't know if something is wrong with me, other than the panic.
Some of you may remember I had a situation, similar to this when getting out of bed, and ended up in the ER about 2 weeks ago.. They said then that it was a reaction to the effexor I had just started the night before. But that time my BP was super high, it was around 154/115 or so..
So they had me take my ativan, and I slept all day today. They want me to take the ativan on a regular basis, rather than sporatically, when my anxiety is high, they want me to stay even, not high and low, in my anxiety.
But tomorrow I am calling and making an appt. for a complete physical. To rule other things out. I haven't had a physical for a while, I don't think, at least not a good one.
Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to explain all that has been happening to me, maybe some one else can relate?? I am hoping to hear from someone..
The feeling I get is a terrible one, and like I said above, I have had panic attacks, and they are somewhat sililar, but what has been happening has seemed a bit different..
Thanks for any info. anyone can give me, I know that no one is a doctor, and I am making an appt. for a physical but I was wondering if anyone could relate to any of this..

Thanks Love ya all, Becky

[skissors6]

I can TOTALLY relate to you! thanks for sharing, because i was kinda worried that no one felt the same intensity of feelings as me!

I go through this all the time and they only seem to be getting worse. Because, like you, i have had panic attacks, but the ones i have been having recently have been so much worse!
I can't breathe, my chest hurts and i want to yank out my stomach. it's a tightness all through my torso and i am gasping for air, and i feel like im gonna have a heart attack! I hate it and it's scary.
Usually mine are only when im dealing with stress, but i have woken up before and had this feeling in my stomach and then have to go to the bathroom. i know it's weird, but i had episodes of that for about a month once. and it wasn't like a sick feeling, it was like an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that cause a shooting pain up through my chest and into my heart.

i don't know if this helps you at all, but i just wanted to share my experience with what sounds like the same thing.
-Skiss

[angelgirl]

Thanks Skiss, it is really nice to hear that others have gone throught he same. Not that I would wish it on anyone, but it makes me feel I am going through the same as others.... I'm not completely losing my mind, or dying...
The feelings are terrible. I told my dad this morning, I just can't live like this anymore... Yet i will push on, and pray to god it gets better..
I am making an appt. tomorrow for a physical too. If nothing else, it will ease my mind.
Maybe you should do the same??

Thanks for posting, I appreciate it, Love ya Becky

[best]

Them telling you to take your ativan regularly sounds like a good idea.

I have seen people take their Rx meds only when they feel a need but once the feeling a need happens, it may take longer for the meds to start working then the need requires.

Stable and balanced at the same level all the time can help show if anything was wrong as well. Up down Up down because of meds not taken regularly, just shows up and down.

[angelgirl]

Thanks best..
It's good to hear some positive, I know people aren't to happy about anyone taking meds. But I have decided that I need them for now. I will take as prescribed.. I agree also that they can then look into other things that may be going wrong. I just know that I haven't felt well.
I have fought the meds. and taken very little in the past, less than prescribed, due to the fear IO have of them,,, but no more, I am following instructions now.. I don't care to have that feeling again.
I also fear what they may find, and I'm working on that, I have so little faith in doctors, that I have always tried to be my own, but that hasn't gotten me to far in life...
Went to my Celebrate Recovery group tonight at the church. Was really good. We learned about grace... It's funnny, because I am a really shy person when f2f, but at this group, I feel I can talk, and share and I do.. Thats really great. That is what I need. God is definately helping me in that area, at this group anyway..
I can't get anything out of it, if I don't share, listen, and ask questions.
I also just fund out we are going fishing on the 27th, with the group, and having a picnic to eat the fish we catch. Sounnds like fun.... I will be doing alot of praying befoe hand, I am afraid of having a panic attack when getting in a boat with others..
My husband had a boat until about 2 years ago,. We traded it for our cycle... You know I love that!!! We used to do alot of water tubing witht he boat. I ws ok with it, but I love having a cycle...

Well, have a good night all. Love ya Becky

[shestruggles]

Ah, Becky, your poor thing. I wish I knew what the heck is going on..

I think getting a physical is a great idea. Doctors (IMO) are much better at diagnosing physical problems than mental health issues.

It's also good that they told you to take the ativan everyday. Screw what others think about taking the meds. If you legitimatley need them - take them! It's a he!! of alot better than another trip to the ER.

My thoughts are with you!

Love: SS

[KelKel]

That could be part of my story with panic attacks vs. anxiety attacks...
I wish you all the best with your physical.

[Jane63]

{{{Angel}}}
I feel so bad for you as I know from first hand experience how scary these things are! I think you are on the right track though to go get a complete physical just to calm your fears!
I had a strange experience early this morning as well so maybe we were thinking of each other {??}...I worked my behind off yesterday around the house and clear up until late in the evening, going to bed around 3am...I went wide awake at around 6am after having a bad dream and was sweating so got up to turn on the AC and lit up a smoke...I felt odd, kind of a sureal feeling like I was in someone elses house...I don't know what was up but it sure was a weird feeling and it concerned me alot because I felt like something bad was going to happen, just not sure what. I ended up smoking my cig and walking out on the deck for some fresh air, got a drink of water and then got back into bed where I finally got comfortable and got back to sleep. I am thinking it was maybe a combination of stress, doing too much the day before and possibly a mild panic attack.
I have had the kind you described before...with that electric jolt feeling and they often make my forehead feel funny and sometimes even my hearing will be altered. Ever feel that way?
I really, really don't enjoy taking my medication either...I would love to say that I am totally "drug free"! I suffered with the embarrassment of it for many years and still get agravated sometimes that so many others can cope better and never need to take anything. {my hubby is one of these people!} I wish I could be like that too! But I have become more educated about my problems and the stigma often attached and know that I must do what I have to in order to be able to live a productive, full and happy life.
I still have hopes that maybe one day I will either learn to cope better or that I will wake up and all my feelings of anxiety/panic attacks will be GONE...but until then, I do what works for me...and I hope that you will stop beating yourself up over this because it is a known fact that some people need medication and that is just the way it is! I believe you are like me and would never even think of abusing it like our DOC. {I was told in rehab that I would switch over to my anxiety medication and abuse it after detoxing off the vicoden...I am proud that I proved that theory WRONG!}

Well, sorry for this being so long, but I just wanted you to know that what you are feeling is very common and I am glad you are affording yourself the right to treat it professionally. I hope all goes well with your physical and it sets your mind at ease! Ask about starting an exercise program too because alittle bit of exercise such as walking will increase your endorphins and make you stronger as well!
{{{HUGS}}} Take care!!
Jane

[angelgirl]

Hi, thanks so much for the replies SS, KelKel, and Jane..
I have always had trouble listening to doctors about taking meds. It's kinds weird, cuz, I have had no problem prescribing myself all kinds of meds, that i thought I should be taking!!! But really should not have. But I had been doing very well, followng doctors orders, for the most part. They never really gave me real instructions on the ativan, and other benzo's in the recent past, but finally they told me I need to take 1 pill 2 times a day, and 2 at bedtime, and I am following their advice, I don't want to take that much of the ativan, as it makes me tired, but I DON'T want to go throught that again.
I made an appt. for the physical, tomorrow at 3. Oh, I hate goingto the doctor!! But I am going, I am more afraid of what they may tell me. I know they are oing to tell me to stop smoking, like they always do.. I know I need to,a s does all smokers, but i need to do it, when I am ready to,, not right now. But that's ok, they always give a lecture on that...
Thanks Jane, what you described about the weird feeling, and the hearing and forehead being affected, I have felt all that, also the back of my throat ALWAYS feels wierd when I got those electrical jolts. Tehy tried to tell me it has something to do with hyperventalating, but I wasn't hyperventalating... Not at the time it all began. Maybe a bit later. So they aren't right about that.
I was always a walker, walking at least 2 miles, like 4-6 days a week, but I quit that a couple years ago, when my using got really out of hand.. I want to re-start, and tomorrow will be a good time to ask the doctor,. since my heart rate is so high all the time, I want to be sure it's ok.. I care much more about my health, since I quit doing drugs.
What you experienced after you woke up, do you think you were somewhat still sleeping? I really believe we did so much damage to our brains that it all takes time to heal, or do as much healing as our brains are going to do. It's very scary though...
It really makes me feel like I am going to die...
I am working on not caring what people think about the meds I take. I know, the heck with them!! It is tough though. i hate being judged. I love what I read on this board once, and I'm not sure who said it, but they said, it's none of my business what other people think of me.. I am working on that.. But I love that... I just wonder if I will ever really be a "strong" person. My mom died a wek person, kind of like me, letting people walk on her, I want to change that about myself.. I don't want to be that way anymore..

I am a work in progress, that's for sure..

Love ya all....
Nice to hear from you Jane, been a few days since you have been on I think, I was a bit worried... When is your year date again???
Today is my 3 months, I thought it was Monday, but infact, it is today..!!!!

Becky

[Jane63]

{{Angel}}
Hope you are feeling better! Sorry about the delay...been soo busy and everyone else has been on computer so by the time I get to use it, it is quite late and I've been exhausted!
CONGRATS on the 3-months!!! Isn't it amazing how fast time goes by?!! I cannot believe it will be a whole year for me soon {July 20th} but this summer is really flying by fast!
{{{HUGS}}} Talk to ya' soon and have a great wknd!!!
Jane

[angelgirl]

Hi Jane, so good to hear from you. I hope you are doing well.
Thanks for the congrats on my 3 months. The 20th is coming up fast, a whole year!! Wow, you definately deserve a party. You don't take the suboxone or anything right? So, can you tell me how you feel now, and how i has been through out the year? I know you have talked before, but now that you are coming in on a year, it would help me, and so many others that are new to Opiate detox, or even a bit further in, to hear what you think, and how you have felt over the year. If you have time. I know your busy.. Also you don't go to meeting either right? How do you make it, what support do you use, my memeory is so bad!! Can't believe it.
Have had a bad week, but for the most part feeling better today.. So that's great!! Just want to feel better ya know?? They raised my ativan again, but I am not going to take the amount they raised it to. I am to afraid to raise it that high.
Well hope you are feeling and doing well... Summmer sure is flying by...

Lot of love, Becky

[Jane63]

Hi Angel!
See what I meant about never getting my chance on the computer until late at night?! LOL! It's OK though as it has been a long wknd and I need to unwind before Monday hits!

No, I never used the Suboxone and it was never even considered as a treatment option for me. {not sure why} When I entered the rehab they put 2-Catapress patches on my back to help with the WDs, also was given Klonipan, Ultram {upon request} and various vitamins during my 4-day stay. It is all kind of a blur to me now, though I have to think hard if I EVER remembered alot of what happened to me while I was there. I do remember how badly I missed my husband though and just wanted to get back home!

Well, let's see...How have I felt over this whole year? For the first month or so home, I had periods of severe lethargy, nervousness, and sleepless nights. Not everyday though, of course...I had good days and bad and eventually the good days began to outnumber the bad ones.
I really do believe there is a "honeymoon period" some people go through in recovery though, because for a time there I felt invinsible and totally empowered! But that seems to have worn off abit now and I think I have come back down to earth so to speak! {LOL}
There has never been a time during this year that I have gotten upset or stressed and wanted to use! BUT...there have been quite a few occasions that I have thought about using just for the "kick" it used to give me...the creative energy and I have thankfully not pursued it any farther than to think about it! All I have to do is think about how I got started taking the vicoden and how "innocent" it seemed, how quickly it escalated, the counting and the searching, and then all I went through to get off it! It is just really easy to shake the idea out of my head which is another thing I am quite thankful for! I just really, REALLY do not want to ever tak them again and that is what keeps me from doing it!
I never really felt comfortable with the whole meeting thing...Don't get me wrong...it is a wonderful tool, but honestly and truthfully, I don't think I need it...I am and have been doing just fine without it.
My support is my hubby...we talk about everything together and he was very concerned for quite sometime that I would fall back into old habits. It was very hard on him and our daughter during the year or so of my addiction...I didn't know just how sad they both were and it hurts so bad to know that they used to cry or how close I think I came to possibly loosing them. I went through an awful period of guilt but with time we all seem to have healed well. Actually, if it wasn't for the mark on my calendar, only I would know that an important date is coming up. We all seem to have went on about our business and back to normal again.

Well, I hope all that makes sense! I am just taking things off the top of my head and typing them. Something else that comes to mind...A couple weeks after I got out of rehab hubby took me out to a Chinese restaurant and in my fortune cookie it read: "Keep charging the enemy so long as there is LIFE!". I saved it and it hangs on my bulletin board by my desk...I think it pretty well sums up how I feel about my "enemy" and I certainly have alot more living to do!
Hope that answers some of your questions hun! Hang tough!!!
{{{HUGS}}}
Jane

[Time2Surrender]

Im glad your OK.Keep us posted how the physical goes.

[angelgirl]

Jane,
Thanks so much for sharing that with me. You probably have told me some of it before, but I can't even remember what day of the week it is, or what happened 2 days ago.. So thanks... I may ask things again, due to my memory fog..
Anyway, You really are this HUGE, INSPIRATION to me!!! You simply amaze me. You really must just have "wanted it" bad enough... To be clean. That was your first attemt at getting clean? Wow, and you did so well...
I struggled through more detoxes than I care to admit. To do it once, and stay clean, is just amazing, and it tells alot about your spirit.
And you said that you have not wanted to use due to stress, or anger.. But just to do it again. Did you ever have any STRONG cravings after coming out of detox, ever?
I know the cravings at times for me were so bad that I honestly wanted to pull my hair out, and during a really bad crave, I wouls sit and realize I wasn't really breathing, but holding my breath, and would have to keep reminding myself to breath. That may sound strange, but I had some pretty terrible cravings. The suboxone has taken care of that for me though. I pray for when the time comes (soon I think) that I wean off the suboxone, that I do not have horrible cravings returning. I 'm sure it will just be a process of withdrawl, just like anything else. But I really am a bit frightened about it.
But I will be ok, I have to be..
I understand the guilt that comes from using, and all we did to ur loved ones. Just knowing that I even pushed it when it came to possibly losing my kids, wow, that really makes me sick... I can't imagine living without them!!! I have seen the hurt in my childrens eyes SO many times. I believe they are just beginning to trust me now again. I broke that so many times, I am just totally grateful that they are taking the risk and beginning to trust me again.
Neat fortune cookie... What a theme to live by..... That kind of thing happening is so cool. Like a message straigh from god. So cool.
Well, I hav eto go now, i am really tired..
Love ya lots, thanks so much for inspiring me so.
Backy

[roadie58]

Hi Becky, sorry to hear of your attacks. Hope modern medicine can find the cause and fix you up.

I too, believe in fortune cookies, is'nt is weird how they so often are exactly what you need to hear?

Be good to yourself.

[angelgirl]

Hey thanks Mike, and Roadie,,,

Well had the physical on Thrusday, I think it was Thursday.. Anyway, I am switching doctors. I was not happy with him, he was a jerk, and wanted to double my ativan,, No thanks, I will tak eit more regularly, but not double it. 4 mgs. is to much for me.

I am a bit frightened, as I have to start a 24 hour urine sample today. Collect it all for 24 hours, then take it in tomorrow. I have to admit, it's bothering me and I'm scared.
Guess he thinks first my kidneys aren't functioning well, and he is checking for carcinoid syndrome, and seretonin syndrome. Not nice things to be checking for.
I have to gather all of my strenght, because I am really good at NOT answering the phone if Iam afraid of whats on the other end, but I know I need to, and maybe it will all be ok, but I am a worrier normally, give me something to worry about for real and my mind can really take it and run, telling myself all kinds of terrible things. But I am
working at being positive. Although this is a little scarey. My mom died at 46 a prescription drug addict, she died with cancer, and it was all over in her body, by the time they CORRECTLY diagnosed it.. Not Good... I just realized last night that I'm 37, and my mom only lived until; 46, she had amny of the same problems as I do, and they say when your mom dies young, it's scarey when you get near the age when she died.. I miss her so much, every single day. I am not exagerating on that, everyday!! I haven't gotten past her death, I know that, and I don't know if I ever will. Grieving is a very hard thing to do. I just have a hard time dealing witht eh fact that her life was getting better, alothough she still had a drug problem, and she was zapped away from us in 6 weeks time.. Agonizing to my whole family. My dad remarried a few years ago, and he still cries regularly, we all miss her so much.
JULY 29th at 8:05pm will be the 10th year anniversary of her death. I know that I should not agaonize over something I had no conrol over, it was god willl, and there is nothing more I could have done..
Sorry I am getting off the subject. But my Blood pressure was pretty good the other day, my heart rate is still fast, and my body is still swelling despite the water ppills.
I go YELLED at for smoking, because I have a wheeze in my left lung, I have had that for a few years, I believe all smokers have a wheeze.. Not an excuse, just a statement. I know I need to stop smoking.. I will soon. Right after I get the results of the other tests they are running.. I hope...
Well, guess I rambled on long enough.
Wishing all of you a great week!!!
Love ya ALL, Becky

[MagdaM]

I hope you are okay. I can see how you would be scared--and I'm so sorry about your mom, that is so sad! I really hope thgat you are okay--take care of yourself.

(((angel)))

[angelgirl]

Thanks Magda, I appreciate it.. I feel bad, I shouldn't have soinded so negative in that post. I am just feeling scared, and I know I need to let god handle it, and I am really trying. That's what I can do, try...
I have good things going on to, I am clean, and I am grateful for my kids, and most of the time my husband.. Although we have had our definate problems, he has been a ROCK when I need him, and I'm sick, or losing it..
I just wanted to add that, I hate to post, unless I''m really, really depressed, and can't seem to help it, I hate to post negatively. I am a bit depressed, but not as bad as I have been in the past.
I am just frightened.. Things will work out well, they will.... they will.....

Love ya, Becky

[Jane63]

{{Angel}}
I understand your fears, but it is best not to get yourself all shook up until you actually have something to be shook up about, right? I know...easier said than done, but I would be totally honest with your doc and tell him how scared you are of all that is happening.
I went through a "fuzzy" time early in recovery too and I think that is normal...also with the stress and anxiety it is sometimes hard to think straight. Since you are new to taking the Ativan that could be working on you as well. I am not a doc of course, but I know that somedays I just don't need to take my full prescribed amount of medication, so I don't and that is the way my doc has set it up...that I am in charge of my amount although I cannot exceed but have never needed or wanted to. I think it is different with the medications such as Prozac, Effexor and the kind that you have to build up taking...medications like Xanax, Ativan and Valium work quickly and therefore allow one to take them "as needed"...but always check with your doc as everyone is different.

To answer your question...YESSS! I did want it sooo badly and I was scared most of the whole time it was going on and afterwards as well. The fact that I couldn't control what I was doing and the means I was using to get them was just so foreign {and scary!} to me!
I have never had any really strong cravings and especially right after I got out of the rehab...at that point I was so scared even to take Ibuprofen! With time I have relaxed about certain things...such as taking OTC medications, my prescribed medication and even having a few drinks on the wknds. The whole process made me more aware of myself and who and what I am. I know the signs and I'll always have my guard up just in case...I never want to go through that again, and God willing, I won't!
I am still not totally sure why I started down that awful path although I have tried to analyze and figure it out. I know I was in real pain from my TMJ but I also think I was unhappy with myself and things around me I had no control over at the time. I know now that happiness cannot be found in a bottle {of any kind} and that sometimes we have to look alittle harder to find it, sometimes maybe even waiting until a new day and it will find us.
The saying "One day at a time" is sooo true!

Please keep us posted how all goes with your tests! Hang in there and chin up G/F!!
{{{HUGS}}}
Jane

[roadie58]

Becky- I know EXACTLY how you feel. My dad drank and smoked himself into early heart attacks. He died during triple bypass at the age of 46, they just couldn't get his heart restarted after the surgery. I'm now 46 and feeling like a bit of self-fulfilling prophesy at times.

But we all know that's bull! If you flip a penny 50 times and it comes up heads each time, there's still a 50/50 chance of it coming up tails on next flip. Heredity plays some part in our physical beings, how we react to stress, and probably our DOC. But we all have the capability to change things, to reshape our own destinies, if we can only be strong enough to do so.

Becky, don't worry needlesly about these outcomes, you'll find out when you find out, until then try to stay calm (I know that's a tough one). If you're uncomfortable with