struggling

[danidlt]

tonight I THINK ABOUT USING....bf is sleeping its quiet and I feel alone....I hate feeling alone and waking my b\f is pointless cause all we do is fight...sometimes it seems drugs is the only thing that maeks me happy...besides my kids but I tell myself the drugs make me happy for them so they wont see me so sad all the time. I want to be sober but I dont want to deal with reality. I dont know what to do anymore

[Rho]

dandon't use it is NOT worth it! Come here to these rooms go to a meeting. Believe in yourself and that you are doing a GREAT thing for yourself and from what I hear your kids by NOT picking up!!!

[danidlt]

I just hate this sadness...when im high i dont pay any attention to the sadness...I am coming to the realization that my life is not working right, fighting constantly with my b\f, so frustrated with my kids, have no motivation to do what I need to do around my house..the drugs always made me not care what bf thinks energy to play with the kids but much less patience for tantrums and motivation to get stuff done so b\f would be happy and not complain when I wanted to leave to use(although he didnt know that is what I was doing) I know I shouldnt use...but how do I get through these feelings and not use...how do I be strong enough, even if just for tonight? I cant sleep, I have had a bath, watched a movie and read a magazine....what now?

[Time2Surrender]

danidlt.I can totally relate.Narcotics Anonymous has been showing me how to live through lifes up's and down's with out getting high.

[roadie58]

not to sound male chauvinist, but you do have a bf lying there. If I had a gf here I can think of one thing that would definietly help with relationship and put me to sleep. Or are you two on the 'outs' right now and you don't even want to be in same bed? Are you avoiding 'sleep' to avoid bf?

[danidlt]

yeah I would love to snuggle up with him and have him hold me and show me he is there but well hes pissed at me for all the **** that I have done lately and just pushes away and rolls to the otherside and that just depresses me more

ps. yes so upset he doesnt want any booty either

[eddie z.]

Fort Worth Area NA

Call your local helpline (817) 624-9525 and talk to someone, OK?

Love and hugs,
Eddie

[Rho]

Yeah well I used to LOVE TO smoke crack why cause it made me NOT FEEL. F what everyone thought said or did. But after seeing the bruses my husband was putting on me, the emotional damage he was causeing me and shoot he emotional damage I was doing to my kids. I got lost in crack for about 0 months, put it this way a rouns about figure of 30 grand or more in 8 months to the crack dealers. My husband asked me to go get my cell phone back from a dealer he lent it to the night before I didn't want to go but then I did for what?! To be arrested on a drug sweep that my HUSBAND SET UP! He ratted on the dealer to get out of trouble and threw me RIGHT INTO THE MIDDLE of it. I don't have a man here to lay with I just thank god have this computer I am typing on, my 2 kids in bed with ME cause I have now got SOLE custody, and Shoot I am DRUG FREE!

And you should stay drug free to, but to each is own! Do it for yourself stay clean, for your kids to! I'll keep you in my prayers shoot I need to go to bed it is 1:47 an I need to get up at 5:30 for a LONG day at work!

[danidlt]

ty all and I will call

[eddie z.]

You're welcome! Just stay in touch!

Love and hugs,
Eddie

[Time2Surrender]

(((danidlt))) I was born and raised in Texas myself.Anyway,I am glad your here at SoberRecovery.Welcome aboard.This is the best recovery site in the internet.You can find a lotta support around here and meet some great people.

[roadie58]

Sorry, I didn't mean to reopen any wounds with you.

It's just that sometimes I know I use because I'm so damn lonely. I have everything in life, cars, boat, house paid for, money in bank, good job, but I cry myself to sleep alone every night. I'm just so damn sad all the time. Now I'm so messed up that probably no woman would ever want me again although I know I have so much to give. Booty or not, a good snuggle would do wonders sometimes, know what I mean?

[Time2Surrender]

Hang in there Roadie.Loneliness is a tough one.Using only makes it worse.My advice? Learn to love yourself,and also stop looking to meet someone.Get a year or so clean and sober.When you least expect it someone will be in your life.

[roadie58]

I HATE that year rule. All the guys are constantly chanting it. I may not have a year.

[Time2Surrender]

Its not a rule dude.Simply a suggestion.It doesnt say anything about waiting a year anywhere in the Big Book of AA or in the NA Basic text.I didnt believe the one year thing ever applied to me.Everyone but me.So,what did I do? I kept getting in new relationships.I thought that would fix me.It didnt.And trust me I tried that route for years.You have 2 days right? Thats great. Keep it up.But,you are very early in your recovery.Of course your lonely.IT WILL PASS!!! A lonely person will just be a needy person.And from my experience thats a turn off for most people.Keep hitting meetings,get a sponsor.Work on your self.Get some time under your belt.And when you least expect it someone special will come along.In Gods time.

[angelgirl]

Originally Posted by danidlt

I just hate this sadness...when im high i dont pay any attention to the sadness...I am coming to the realization that my life is not working right, fighting constantly with my b\f, so frustrated with my kids, have no motivation to do what I need to do around my house..the drugs always made me not care what bf thinks energy to play with the kids but much less patience for tantrums and motivation to get stuff done so b\f would be happy and not complain when I wanted to leave to use(although he didnt know that is what I was doing) I know I shouldnt use...but how do I get through these feelings and not use...how do I be strong enough, even if just for tonight? I cant sleep, I have had a bath, watched a movie and read a magazine....what now?

Hi there. Welcome to SR, My name is Becky. I am the mother of 4 kids, and a crabby(most of the time) husband, due to his job. I am a stay at home mom, after 11 years of any excellent paying job, I gave up for DRUGS. Although I miss alot about my job ( not just the paychecks) it was shift work, and it was 12 hour shifts, so in the long run, what i did was better for my family, and I'm sure for my health. My oldest son is 20 and lives on his own.
I decided to post a reply to you on your post, because I CAN NOT BELIEVE how much our lives are alike.. I see that alot around here. ALOT of STRESSED out women, mothers, no, I'm ot exculding any of the guys here, but it is amazining to see how many of us mothers have somewhat the same story. I COULD have written the above that you posted.
Lord knows, I LOVE my kids more than anything, even more than drugs. But OHHHH do they fight. There was So many times when the fighting got so bad, that the drugs were an excellent (or so I THOUGHT!) way to stay numb enough to not care if they were fighting, or if my husband was being crabby as HE-- again!! Also so I had the energy in the end to do all I needed o do.
BUT the drugs really turned on me in the end, in SO many ways. In the end, there was NO more energy left for anything in my life, other than DRUGS, and how to get them, and howmany I had left, I'm sure you can relate.
Now I am about 9 weeks into recovery, and life is getting better. I too am lonely, very often, my husband works LONG hours and is pretty darn crabby when he comes home, due to work. So I am here, usually looking forward to him coming home, and when he does, very often it is very upseting to me, because he is so crabby. So now I am learning to do other things, and not rely anymore on him for my happiness. That was NEVER A good idea, anyway, for ME... Been a long tough marrriage. 17 years.
Do you attend any meetings?? Maybe that would be good. I also go to an intensive outpatient group. Which has for the most part been very good for me.
I wish you well. Don't use drugs to numb yourself. It's such a bad idea, as you know,. No matter how bad life may feel, or how lonely you feel. It won't help, and in the long run, makes you far more lonely. I lost all the friends, except one, who is also in recovery, during my drugging. I know need to earn back those friendships, adn trust.
Life will get better. It will. I tell myself that all the time....
If we work at it,a nd choose for it to get better. SR is so wonderful, isn't it???
Love, Becky

[roadie58]

Morning check in sunshine! Hope you have a great day. Guess you'll be getting the kids ready for ?? I don't know, what do kids do in the summer- go out and play all day? What are your plans? Maybe try to catch a meeting sometime if you're so inclined. I've posted my plans on I'm ALive.

Take care of yourself.

[eddie z.]

Yeah, danidlt, or is just Dani ok? You alright this morning?

Love and hugs,
Eddie

[danidlt]

Originally Posted by angelgirl

Hi there. Welcome to SR, My name is Becky. I am the mother of 4 kids, and a crabby(most of the time) husband, due to his job. I am a stay at home mom, after 11 years of any excellent paying job, I gave up for DRUGS. Although I miss alot about my job ( not just the paychecks) it was shift work, and it was 12 hour shifts, so in the long run, what i did was better for my family, and I'm sure for my health. My oldest son is 20 and lives on his own.
I decided to post a reply to you on your post, because I CAN NOT BELIEVE how much our lives are alike.. I see that alot around here. ALOT of STRESSED out women, mothers, no, I'm ot exculding any of the guys here, but it is amazining to see how many of us mothers have somewhat the same story. I COULD have written the above that you posted.
Lord knows, I LOVE my kids more than anything, even more than drugs. But OHHHH do they fight. There was So many times when the fighting got so bad, that the drugs were an excellent (or so I THOUGHT!) way to stay numb enough to not care if they were fighting, or if my husband was being crabby as HE-- again!! Also so I had the energy in the end to do all I needed o do.
BUT the drugs really turned on me in the end, in SO many ways. In the end, there was NO more energy left for anything in my life, other than DRUGS, and how to get them, and howmany I had left, I'm sure you can relate.
Now I am about 9 weeks into recovery, and life is getting better. I too am lonely, very often, my husband works LONG hours and is pretty darn crabby when he comes home, due to work. So I am here, usually looking forward to him coming home, and when he does, very often it is very upseting to me, because he is so crabby. So now I am learning to do other things, and not rely anymore on him for my happiness. That was NEVER A good idea, anyway, for ME... Been a long tough marrriage. 17 years.
Do you attend any meetings?? Maybe that would be good. I also go to an intensive outpatient group. Which has for the most part been very good for me.
I wish you well. Don't use drugs to numb yourself. It's such a bad idea, as you know,. No matter how bad life may feel, or how lonely you feel. It won't help, and in the long run, makes you far more lonely. I lost all the friends, except one, who is also in recovery, during my drugging. I know need to earn back those friendships, adn trust.
Life will get better. It will. I tell myself that all the time....
If we work at it,a nd choose for it to get better. SR is so wonderful, isn't it???
Love, Becky

oh my good ness...your life is mine exactly..just a little younger for me..only 5 years for us with a 2 and 4 year old...but its exactly how it is..always cranky from work when I cant wait for him to get here...like last night I couldnt wait for him to get home and he managed to make me start to cry twice in less than five minutes...and now since he found out about the drugs he thinks he needs\hasto\can control who I talk to where I go when I go and all that bs. and that doesnt make it much easier because I have never been one for anyone telling me what I can and cant do...I know he loves but damn does he have to make it that much harder to be here? I want to get a job so I wont be here all day but we cant afford day care its ridiculous. I mean I love my kids and I always wanted to be one of those betty crocker moms but its obvious at this point that I cant do it. today though will hopefully be better..have some errands to run and then a friend is bringing her daughter to play in the kiddie pool...and then mydaughter has soccer class this evening...I am glad when I want to use and dont so I am smiling now for making it through the night..thank you for your post!

[danidlt]

thank you eddie and roadie and everyone else too...yes I made it through last night...just sucked it up and slept on my side of the bed after watching the lightning storm..and it wasnt so bad as I was making it...today is a busy day and that always helps...so I will catch up with yall when I can..thank you I need the support and I am glad I have found this site...gonna pass it on to my dad and step mom since they just sent my step sister to rehab and all and see if it helps them

[eddie z.]

Thank you for sharing the good news! And you're welcome for the support! Just keep posting.

Love and hugs,
Eddie

[shestruggles]

Sounds like you're making good choices. I want to offer my congratulations on not using.

One day at a time.... You're doing it!!!!

Take Care & Keep posting!

Much Love: SS

[danidlt]

thanks everybody.....I have a wierd feelig that my b\f is trying to test me though...after I got off here I had to take him some paperwork and he said hed give me some money for cigs cause its like a 20 min drive up there(dont forget I have 2 lil kids and a 20 min driive can get nuts) but anyways he ended up giving me 20 bucks...to me its just wierd cause he hasnt been giving me any extra money to spend...not that I could do much with 20 but its enough...but maybe he is just starting to trust me again...I dont think so though since it shows he printed a bank statement this morning. maybe I am just paranoid cause I just think about using and I think he knows that but I dont like that feeling thinking hes just waiting to catch me. just wanted to get that off my mind. as for my afternoon I have housework and playing with the kids outside and then this evening soccer class....thank you again everyone! oh yeah and you can call my dani anytime(referring to a previous post)

[roadie58]

geesh, we men can be terrible, can't we? You should try hanging out with a wildman with cocaine coursing through his veins! I've driven everybody away, girlfriend, assistants, family, you name it. Only people who will put up with me are AA'ers now.

[danidlt]