I'm ALIVE

[roadie58]

Okay, it's starting over time. I was using all last week and Friday was especially bad- an all nighter with couple grams, beer and vodka. So I haven't used anything since Saturday early morning. Spent two days tossing and turning, finally got some real food down Sunday. Oh, and thanks to Richey for chatting with me late last night. I was online with him when my dealer called wanting to know when I needed more. I was able to say NO THANKS.

So it's 6:30 am here, got showered and shaved and feeling pretty good. I know I'll collapse early today and probably get shaky, but for now it's good to feel alive. And I don't have too much of that 'why I am Here' ' pity poor me' that seems to go in the wake of quitting. I guess I'm getting good at this post-relapse stuff. There is a 7:00 meeting near me, so think I'll do that one as well as my regular noon get together.

Praying for strength to beat it for real this time!

[roadie58]

I'm so exhausted today. Did errands after 7-8 am meeting, then went to noon meeting, came home and tried to get some stuff done. Couldn't concentrate on work, tried a little housework (picking up damage from last binge), tried to work on the boat a bit because it was nice sunny day, but in my physical shape I just start sweating to no end and had to come inside. Watched some TV, then lay down for a 'nap' woke up at 10PM. So now I suppose I'll face another sleepless night because I slept too much today. But I'm so tired I can hardly move. Monday was 2nd full day 'off' junk, so I'm proud that I didn't pick up, but I wish I had my energy back. Friend is coming over to take a walk and work out lightly tomorrow. Maybe that will help.

[Rho]

Roadie, keep up the great work. I know the gym helps me, I go twice a day sometimes. It helps clear my mind and body of all the UGLY stress and tension.

I'll keep U in my prayers tonight:-)

[angelgirl]

Hey there Roadie. You ARE doing TERRIFIC!! Even if it doesn't seem that way at times, you ARE. You found SR, you go to meetings, You know what you need and you are getting it. That is GREAT. You are on the correct path and life WILL get better, adn it WILL get easier. I have huge moments of anxiety, and insecurity, but I also know I am in the right place, just where I need to be. Even if at times I don't like it, or it doesn't feel like it. You will feel stronger everyday. Just keep reminding yourself that.
The biggest thing I can tell you is, DON'T LOOK BACK--- ONLY look ahead, don't look back on any slips you may have had, they were all meant for a purpose and everytime it makes us a little stronger. You are well on your way to a new, much better life, LOVE BECKY

[Time2Surrender]

Hang in there Roadie. I will keep you in my prayers.

[roadie58]

I'm just crying my eyes out right now. Read Dandlt's post about bf who won't even give her a hug and I'm just dying I'm so alone right now. I know it's just the emotional roller coaster of coming down and I'll be a mess for 30 days or so. But sometimes I don't know why I'm here or why I've been given several chances at being saved only to be left alone. I feel like I'm dying. Like there's no purpose in my life, I'm just taking up valuable real estate and never done any good for anybody.

Doing drugs is the ultimate selfish act. It deprives others of any good qualities I may have had and wastes the time that God has given me. It was a perfectly good day today and I didn't get anything accomplished. People in my groups would tell me to 'put the bat down', and I know what they mean. but it's been like this for three years now.

I sometimes really feel like the world would be better off without me, then I hear a story like I did today and realize that suicide hurts others. A friend's wife was having deep depression for about a year. Taking scripts properly for it, no alcohol or illicit drugs to speak of, just clinical depression. She recently was driving to an airport, slammed her car into a bridge abutment, was okay from that accident according to onlookers, then got out of car and walked into path of speeding truck, killing her instantly. She has two young children, husband and friends that are absolutely distraught at this. This was my lesson for today. Stick around and wait for miracle.

Okay, tears have stopped now, guess I'll t ry to get some sleep. Thanks for being here.

[Time2Surrender]

Roadie,hang in there.You have 2 days now and thats great.Keep it up.One day at a time The loneliness and depression will pass.I've been there.Early in recovery you need to work on yourself.I have been in your shoes and felt the same way at one time.Keep hitting those meetings and get a sponsor.

[KelKel]

:xmasu

Praying for some serenity to come into your heart and mind,
and here is a great BIG HUG!!!



:hugehug

[roadie58]

Good morning world. Thanks for the posts and hugs. Was up a few times but slept soundly between 2 and 5:30. Doing dishes now cleaning up my mess of a house. I'm just disgusted with my living conditions. Embarassed for people to come over, so time to get busy and change it.

I just want to make one thing clear. Although I'm technically on day 2, thanks to the AA program my slips are always pretty minor. They've learned to mess up my drinking and using to that extent. So although I get pretty wiped out, I feel that I don't entirely lose my clarity, know what I mean? It's not like I've been out there using for months (although I did that last summer). Been in and out of AA for almost 3 years now. I'd say a good 1/2 the time clean and sober. I know that doesn't give me 1.5 years of sobriety, just want to give you some background on where I'm at in the 'program'. I'd give it a rating of struggling, but getting it. In other words, although I relapse, I do know right from wrong now. I'm not trying to defend or rationalize my using, just history, okay.

I will do meeting in am and noon today, then my AA mens workshop meets on Tuesday nights. That will be about 4 hours of AA pounded into my head today. A friend will visit for 2 hours this am for workout, so if I get 3-4 hours of work done it'll be a miracle. But I'm going to try to keep moving- no naps today is my goal.

Now where is Richey- I worry about him.

[michski]

You sound so good! Yeah you are so right about the program ruining your enthusiasm about drinking and drugging. I feel the same way.

Hope you sleep like a baby soon!

Keep doing the next right thing!

[roadie58]

Well, I accidentally went back to sleep this am, so missed morning meeting and workout. Got noon meeting, ate, some errands and now getting ready for workshop. I'll do a long walk this evening (is sooo humid here already). My buddy is coming for workout tomorrow instead. Bought some better groceries today. Hardly thought about drinking today, but some cain for energy sure crossed my mind. Still dragging butt around here. Thanks for support.

[roadie58]

Darn, just noticed Richey logged in and MSG'd him, but he signed out without making a post. At least he's alright- it's about midnight London time.

[FaeryQueen]

Roadie,
Give yourself a break. If you miss a workout and a meeting and whatever else don't sweat it. What matters is that you are not using/drinking. Don't push yourself too hard. Just because this was a "slip" doesn't mean it wasn't a mindf*ck. You have a disease. Don't beat yourself up...just do better next time.
Loads of Unconditional Love coming your way.:xmasu

[Liam]

Glad to hear that your making it through another day. I think keeping active and your mind working, helps take the thoughts away from the inevitable. I know when I challenge my mind it will take me out of the gutter and on to better things. I hope your workshop goes well and that you have a great evening. Thanks for the morning wake-up message. It got me in the right frame of mind.

Talk soon,

Liam

[roadie58]

Thanks for the notes gang. 8:30 and just got home from my 12/12 workshop. We discussed the 3rd tradition tonight. 'The only requirement for admission is the desire to stop drinking'. So discussion ranged from this, to how we must declare ourselves alcoholic/addicts, to what to do for newcomers in meetings. ONe young member was feeling squirlley, he hadn't called anybody all week and only made one meeting. So our leader made him promise to call someone every day next week. That's what I do as well..

Not doing to well on my job (self-employed), so I've got to get cracking on that tomorrow, but glad to be sober and feeling better today. Still down on energy, but that might just take time.

Good night everyone, talk to you in the morning!

[roadie58]

Hi gang, reporting in for Wednesday, Went to 7 am meeting and noon meeting. Worked out with a buddy between times and did some housework. Nothing exciting but an accomplishment for me. Was a little tired after, but kept moving, mowed lawn and readied boat for the season in afternoon. Just back from good pizza dinner with two non-drinking friends. Going out back this evening to enjoy some jazz and a book on the patio. It's beautiful tonight, nice and cool with breeze. I wouldn't enjoy this if I were high or drunk, just would be inside chopping next line or chugging next beer, oblivious to the Day God has given me. I really tried hard not to waste it today and think I succeeded. Even picked up the phone and talked to a couple of clients.

Have a good evening all, write back if you can and see you tomorrow. Prayers for Richey, whereever he is.

[roadie58]

Nobody posted today, but looks like more than a few read. I hope that reading this may help a few in early recovery. I know my last post sounded like a normal person, but I'm still shaky. I remember vividly sitting inside my car outside of my noon meeting yesterday (which I left early with about 8 other folks- topic-relationships, NOT AA). If I turned right leaving the club I was heading home, LEFT would take me to my dealers. It was hard to turn right.

Had a coke using dream just a bit ago. Woke up in cold sweat and could TASTE it, yeah. When I first woke up I wasn't sure if I'd used or not. Took a while to figure it out. Dreamt that I found about 1/2 gram - that I shook the bag out and did it in one massive line. felt good. i am sick. can't wait for the craving to go away, it's been what since Saturday so only day 5. nose quit hurting though I'l still short of breath. Let one of the cats in to go to sleep with me. Big water and off to bed I go. Hope I can get back to sleep before morning light hits. gnight all. Please post if you can. Thanks

[infinate]

well done you for taking that right turn!

you are doing so well, im sure your cats are proud too! (did i mention i have 7 cats??)

infinate
xxxx

[roadie58]

Good morning, woke up with headache, must have been that spicy pizza last night, or lack of caffiene? Least its not a hangover or that fire in my head from coke use. Those were horrible. So off to a slow start, but I'll definitely get more accomplished that if I was up drinking and coking all night. Some of you have been kind enough to MSG me and share your day and for that I am thankful.

I'll try not to be judgemental at today's noon meeting. I and about 8 others left early yesterday and I should call my sponser about that. It's really not okay to do no matter how I disagree with the topic. There is always something to be learned. This is a big weekend in my city, the F1 race is here on Sunday. Luckily I have an out of town work scheduled for Saturday, so will just rest on Sunday- I can't be part of large drinking crowds this early in sobriety- those are slippery places and I'm just not ready yet. Like dateing, they tell me we're not ready for dating until one year passes, but those 'urges' are so strong, especially in the summer and with all the scantily clad ladies out there. A guy just needs ... something.. know what I mean. Better keep that in control as well I guess. Strange that when I was stoned, I felt the sex urge but didn't really feel like acting on it. Sober and straight, that urge comes straight up to the top again. Control- control...

[hopealwayz]

Roadie,

I can relate to you so much. The words you are writing here are so true for me also. I'm only on my 2nd day and I feel truly horrible. I can't wait to get my energy back either. One day it will come back for both of us.

Thanks for sharing your recovery with us. You are helping me by posting to this thread. Thanks..

~Angel

[FaeryQueen]

roadie
I enjoy reading your posts. You are very honest and human when you share with us. No glossing over the truth. Very cool.

I'll try not to be judgemental at today's noon meeting. I and about 8 others left early yesterday and I should call my sponser about that. It's really not okay to do no matter how I disagree with the topic.

When I feel like doing this I know it is my disease/ego trying to have it's way. Part of the program, for me, is learning discipline and not giving in to every impulse to jump up and run out of a meeting.....or my meditation. Everytime I overcome the urge it becomes easier....as the disease weakens it's painful grip.

Like dateing, they tell me we're not ready for dating until one year passes, but those 'urges' are so strong, especially in the summer and with all the scantily clad ladies out there. A guy just needs ... something.. know what I mean. Better keep that in control as well I guess. Strange that when I was stoned, I felt the sex urge but didn't really feel like acting on it. Sober and straight, that urge comes straight up to the top again. Control- control...

At least you are talking about this, many people don't and the urges just get more powerful. I acknowledge the feelings but don't get let my mind run off into fantasy because that is when I am in danger of obsession which will inevitably lead me back to my DOC. I find that the stronger my HP connection gets, the less my instincts are running amuck.


Peace and Love
Tanya

[ventuhome]

Roadie, I hope you don't mind family members of Addicts reading your thread. It has given me support in my relationship with my codeine addicted, using Sister-in-law. You are farther along in recovery than she is (much farther), and I pray for the day that she finally realizes she has a problem. Reading your thread gives me understanding of what is going thru your mind as you kick the stuff. You are a very good writer, did you know that? Hang in there.

[hopealwayz]

I know it is hard in the first few days. Actually, a few minutes ago I just started crying but I cannot truly pinpoint any one thing that lead to this. It is worse the first 30 days and we both seem to be at the beginning together. You have a few more days that I do though. I am only 2 days off from my last binge and I am not feeling so great at all.
Your enthusiasm is very inspirational you know. Thanks for sharing with us.

[roadie58]

Thanks all for writing in. It helps me to know that someone else is getting some good from this. But make no mistake, it was a selfish disease, and it's a selfish recovery- everything I do today is for my recovery. I like to borrow a Ford phrase, 'sobriety is job one'.

Meeting at noon was right up the center again. Talking about the 'hole in our soul' and how we tried to fill it with drink and drugs. I did a share and a 9 year guy came up to me and told me that 'that was the first time I thought you were really sincere about getting this program". He usually chides me about being to dramatic in my sharing. I just try to keep it close to the heart and in the spirit of healing for others. Sharing at meetings helps me to keep it real as well.

Off to play in the yard again. It's beautiful out and think I'll get a little sunshine- how's that for a change of heart from an old 'stay inside and chop another line' guy!

Everyone be good and keep checking in. And be good to someone you love or forgive someone you have difficulty with, okay?

[hopealwayz]

Hi Roadie, I'm so glad that you got to enjoy that sunshine! It was beautiful, wasn't it..true miracles indeed.

I got to see an old friend of mine today..it was so nice to see him again. And we forgave each other for things in the past, it felt really good.

Thanks for sharing-

~Angel