help I just used

[roadie58]

I've been in and out of AA for three years, seems all I can do is get 60-90 days and I'm back at it. Cocaine and alcohol are my DOC. I ran into an old party buddy yesterday and scored some stuff. Stayed up all night and I'm just so shaky now I can barely type. How do I face the guys in my workshop and meetings and tell them about this. It's just soo bad this time.
Thanks for being here.

[roadie58]

is there anybody out there???

[Blake]

You can't save your face and your ass at the same time. A relapse is a sign of a reservation in our program. Sometimes a relapse is what we need to get us to completely surrender to a program of recovery.

When I relapsed in 2000, I had like 6 months and I went back out and I didn't make it back for 5 years. I almost died out there b/c my junkie pride prevented me from admitting I was human and had made a mistake. It is important to remember why you go to workshops and meetings anyway, it is to keep yourself clean. It doesn't matter what other people think, thats their problem not yours. There isn't any shame in picking up a slip chip and asking for help, the shame comes in staying out there.

Maybe you should get with your sponsor and rework your first step, my first step has been one of the greatest protections from relapse I have. Admitting I'm an addict and grasping what that means.....I can never do ANY drugs if I want to live. I also found that there is a 100% effective way to prevent me from relapseing, If I don't pick up any dope, I don't get loaded and I don't have to pick up a white keytag. It sounds really simple, and it is in theory, but I still have urges to get loaded avery once and awhile. I just choose not to. Today for me it is a choice to use or not to use.

You never have to get loaded again if you don't want to. Learn from this relapse or else you'll be doomed to repeat it.

Keep coming back, you can do it!
-Blake

[mishelly]

Hey roadie...ok, you slipped, you screwed up. It's done and you can't change it. Face it, accept it, swallow your pride (and that one is always hard for me!) and get back into your recovery program...that is if you really want to recover.

Just a thought...In my Tuesday night meeting, a fellow said that relapses never "just happen". He said they are planned and that everyone he knew, including himself, who had relapsed had done so because they WEREN'T going to meetings, and they WEREN'T calling their sponsor and other recovering addicts and they WEREN'T working the steps.

[michski]

Originally Posted by mishelly

Just a thought...In my Tuesday night meeting, a fellow said that relapses never "just happen". He said they are planned and that everyone he knew, including himself, who had relapsed had done so because they WEREN'T going to meetings, and they WEREN'T calling their sponsor and other recovering addicts and they WEREN'T working the steps.

That was certainly the case for my relapses! Hope you can make through the 3-4 month dreads! It is when Post Acute Withdrawel Syndrome really reared it's ugly head for me. Once I got past those months the urges stopped plaguing me.

[roadie58]

I know, I just can't get past the 60-90 day thing. Been out for about two weeks now even though I'm going to meetings and lying to everyone about staying clean. I went to a meeting totally buzzed this week- think anybody knew?

[Chance]

Hey Roadie you keep going on that you can't get past 60-90 days that is me. I have not gotten that for a year, two months ago I started this computer thinggie and I beleive that this was lacking in my program. I don't beleive after coming here for a little over two months that I had ever taken step one but I have now and step two and three. We don't have to look at tomorrow, what are we doing for action today. Get you a sponser and work the steps try to live by them. It is true that we can't save our face and our @ss at the same time. Just try to save your @ss right now. If we use we loose, thanks to everyone here and my Higher Power who I don't even know who it is, but I have 72 days clean and sober today but the last 71 did nothing to keep me clean and sober today. Good luck and God Bless

[roadie58]

I know, I know- saw my man last night, picked up again and got totally psychotic. Fell down on sidewalk and tore my knee up real bad. Hurts like hell today and now I've got the shakes real bad. Trying not to use tonight. I've got to detox and get back on track with program. I've got 3 years around AA , good sponsor, workshop, etc. Just got to use the tools. My AA bunch is having a picnic tomorrow, so I'll hang around the gang all day. Probably just sit in the shade and sweat it out. God, how I hate day 1.

[Richey]

I've gone to meeting high and people have always know...I've been kicked out of meetings before... it's so embarrassing...but you don't realise because you're high or drunk or whatever... i even went to a meeting once when I was so off my face I kept falling over...got kicked out after causing a "I'm not your all wankershh..." scene and ended up sitting ikn the bushes outside crying. I can't ever go back now because I'm so embarrassed...I wish I'd never gone to meetings in that state or at least admitted i was drunk... things might've been different. Maybe they can be different for you too if you tell them?

[In memory of miracle]

I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I struggled for a long time too. You can get more than 60 days in,believe me you can! We are not here to judge anyone, people in meetings aren't either. We all know what it's like to suffer.All will be well. Take a leap of faith, you will be glad you did.

Bless, Trish

[roadie58]

Richey, you CAN go back, lots of people have relapsed or been naughty and are accepted back with open arms. In AA parlance, ' the only requirement for membership is the DESIRE to stop drinking' by that they have to take in even an active alcoholic, so long as you're not disruptive at meetings. So chill out and find a meeting, ok?

[roadie58]

oh, btw, its late Sunday afternoon so it's now been well over 24 hours. shakes quit a bit, but I'm still achy. Why does coke tend to make my muscles and joints ache so much? Knee is banged up pretty bad so I'm limping, at least head doesnt hurt so stuff mustve been pretty pure. Going out to grocery to get something good to eat. Nothing but frozen pizza and water yesterday. Slept and watched TV most of day. Got to get back to normal tomorrow and get a few hours of work and a meeting in.

[Richey]

Originally Posted by roadie58

Richey, you CAN go back, lots of people have relapsed or been naughty and are accepted back with open arms. In AA parlance, ' the only requirement for membership is the DESIRE to stop drinking' by that they have to take in even an active alcoholic, so long as you're not disruptive at meetings. So chill out and find a meeting, ok?

Technically I could go back but I wouldn't be welcome...what's the point in me going to meetings when I didn't like the idea in the first place and now people there hate me?

[roadie58]

do you really think they hate you? Then UK AA is not at all like US. We had a lady who goes out drinking pretty regularlay, went out got drunk again, got ride home from guy she didn't know who asked her for a BJ, she refused, he picked up a rock and beat her in the head so bad it took 17 staples to close. She came back next day and we love her as always. I've relapsed and told on myself dozens of times, but they always love me like a newcomer. Go ahead, try again, or go to a different meeting group.

[Richey]

Originally Posted by roadie58

do you really think they hate you? Then UK AA is not at all like US. We had a lady who goes out drinking pretty regularlay, went out got drunk again, got ride home from guy she didn't know who asked her for a BJ, she refused, he picked up a rock and beat her in the head so bad it took 17 staples to close. She came back next day and we love her as always. I've relapsed and told on myself dozens of times, but they always love me like a newcomer. Go ahead, try again, or go to a different meeting group.

Oh they ACT like they don't hate me but I can tell they really do...that they wqanted me to leave and that they're glad i did!

[FaeryQueen]

Roadie,
I've been told that 30-60-90 marks are very tough....and they certainly were for me. I came close to relapsing on all three. Apparently the brain releases stored toxins around these times than can set off the craving again. This could be total horseshit, but it makes sense. I was also told that that is why they gave out chips back in the day for 30-60-90, because of this phenomenon. Have you thought about trying the program with another sponsor? Since you have relapsed with this one....not that your sponsor sucks or anything. Maybe a different approach would help.
Congrats on 24+ hours.
Tanya

[roadie58]

Thanks Tanya, but it's not my sponsor, it's me and my laziness in my program. I'm now in a men's workshop of just 12 guys and that seems to be helping. We're doing the steps and traditions one at a time. Lots of discussion.

[FaeryQueen]

Lots of discussion.

Make sure you follow that with lots of ACTION.

[roadie58]

oh, yeah, right... it is a call to ACTION, not discussion, caught me on that one. I acted up last week and got stoned and drunk- not what the fellas had in mind, I'm afraid. Spoke to my dealer tonight and told him NO MORE for a while. He's my brother and he pretty much knows that this (ie he) is killing me.

[tyler]

Originally Posted by roadie58

Spoke to my dealer tonight and told him NO MORE for a while.

For awhile? Sounds like you are already planning another relapse.

[roadie58]

sorry, his wording, not mine. He believes in 'vacations' from drugs so he asked me for a date in the future - I told him NO MORE.