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Alcohol Addiction 12 Steps
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06-02-2005, 08:47 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: London, UK
Posts: 358
| All my savings gone and coughing up blood...
...so why don't I feel like an addict this time? My DOC has always been some kind of downer...opiates...benzodiazapines...alcohol... but there's also been a little place in my heart coke and ampthetamines. I've never been that big of a user of coke or crack before...mainly because it's too expensive and too short-lived of a high... but recently I've just been doing it ALL THE TIME! I used to just reserve coke for parties or exam revision when the caffine and ampetamines weren't working well enough. Once a week would be the most often I'd do it and crack I'd only done about half a dozen times up until recently. Now, I'm even doing a couple of lines in the morning after showers... and in the public toilets. I don't FEEL addicted...not like I'd be in great pain if couldn't get any... but the cravings are there. It's 3:30am... and I've had a mini binge...but I want some more. Still I just DO NOT FEEL ADDICTED. There's no pain or worrying about my next hit like with the H....it's weird... so why don't I just stop? Am I THAT selfish and pleasure-seeking? WTF is up with me???? It's a feeling I'm just getting used to and I have to admit I'm IN LOVE with it! All the confidence of alcohol but without the side-effects... I've made a bunch of new friends just this WEEK and I've got a girlfriend and my sex drive back...in fact I'm only dating my 'girlfriend' (her term not mine) because she is really really slutty and I need some relief. The only real doubts I have about it are the health effects which seem to have taken hold VERY fast... I mean, I expected it from the crack (but that's only a couple of times a week thing) but the coke is ******* up my chest already... I have such stabbing pains and somewhere at the back of my throat keeps bleeding...I can taste it nearly all the time and it feels like a massive lump at the back which keeps making me gag and cough up a bit more blood... I coughed and SPRAYED blood up a bathroom wall a few nights ago...only a little bit and it was all diluted with some other fluid that definately wasn't saliva or vomit...so im a little worried but not too much. I'm trying to pass off the sniffling as allergies but people seem to KNOW and i don't know how... it's not like i have explosive public nosebleeds or anything... Blah...i've forgotten the point of this post... i suppose it was meant to be some sort of an 'am i an addict yet?' thing...but im not sure...LOL this is why i DO coke so I don't turn into some braindead idiot with nothing to say...I'm coming down now and already I'm turning into a pathetic mumbling pile of ****. Shoot me now, ok? |
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06-02-2005, 09:06 PM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Guest
Posts: n/a
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id say if your coughing up blood and not worried about it theres some kind of problem.. i always hated coke but id do it if it was there, and coming down sucks, but with dope you have to worry about your next fix or youll be sick... i shouldnt give any advice though because ive been f***ing up too.... REYNA |
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06-02-2005, 09:19 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Recovering from 10 yrs of Weed  Join Date: May 2005 Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 60
| I didn't know I was an addict ...till I tried to go without my DOC. I was a raging maniac. My hair was starting to fall out and I always felt like I was dying or had a disease. Our bodies tell us when we are doing something that will eventually kill us. Your body is saying "STOP or YOU ARE GOING TO KILL YOURSELF !!!" I would say..listen to your body and learn to get high without drugs. You already know sex is a good way of feeling good. It's just as good sober too..I found that out recently. Cause I was worried it wouldn't be as enjoyable if I wasn't high. Really, the drugs aren't that great...they just shut off that part of your brain that makes you figure that out....try stopping the drugs and see things from a clearer perspective. You don't realize now..but your mind is clouded and with a clearer mind you can figure out that spewing blood is not a good thing and you shouldn't be doing those drugs. Good luck to you. I hope you take the right path...It's always nice to see another person choose life and living healthy and happy.
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06-02-2005, 09:56 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| You're never alone!!  Join Date: May 2003 Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 2,195
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i suppose it was meant to be some sort of an 'am i an addict yet?' thing...but im not sure...LOL this is why i DO coke so I don't turn into some braindead idiot with nothing to say...I'm coming down now and already I'm turning into a pathetic mumbling pile of ****. I haven't figured out how to "quote" a person yet in my posting, so I just copy and paste. But it works. Wow, your post just scares me. You are in a very bad place right now, you NEED help. I copied the bit above from your post, but now as I think about it, go back and read you WHOLE post, when you are not high. You ARE in serious trouble. I truly believe you KNOW your an addict. When we are addicts, we are capable of becoming addicted to anything. Coke, crack whatever, just because your not dope sick, does not mean you do not have a problem with these drugs, YOU DO. Anyone who can say what you said about the ill effects this is having on your body, and still question whether or not you should STOP doing the drug and get some help, definatley HAS a problem. I have read some of your post before I believe and I think that when I have read them, I wondered truly if you were seious, or if you were just here to poke fun at people. But I believe you are a sick person, just like the rest of us, but you need to go get help from a DOCTOR, or a HOSPITAL. You WILL die. I don't know if that seems to matter to you right now, while you are high or not. But check it when you are not high, look around you, do you have family or friends that you do not want to hurt if you'd die?? If it isn't important enough just for you to live, then look around, can it be important enough to care enough not to so seriously hurt your friends/family? I choose to no longer hurt myself anymore. I also choose to not hurt those who love me anymore either. You are a good person. You are here, therefore, there is a purpose in life for you... Take the time, and get totally clean, find your purpose. We can NOt know what our purpose is when we are so stoned all the time. You are NOT a bad person, you have an illness. A disease. Get help, PLEASE!!! Don't die..... There is a posting here on this thread, and it was written by someone who was struggling to stay clean, he stopped posting I think after that one post. The about a year later, that thread showed back up on here, only this time it was this guy that was a friend of the original guy who posted, he was posting and letting us know that the guy that originally posted had died from a drug overdose. I hope all I just said mde sense to you. My point of that was, don't let that happen to you. I believe you want help, that is why you post here. Go get it, life is waiting for all of us, we just have to go for it, and do the work it takes to get it!!! I wish you well. I will pray for you Richey. Love, Becky
__________________  ™Don't tell God how BIG your addiction is, tell your addiction, how BIG our GOD is!! Jesus is our teacher and he is our Savior, who takes our prayers and makes them his own.  |
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06-02-2005, 10:05 PM
| #5 (permalink) |
| You're never alone!! Join Date: May 2003 Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 2,195
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Raina, I just wanted to say to you. You go ahead and post. don't worry that you have slipped or whatever. We all help eachother. You may have experience that HELPS someone else, actually, I'm sure you do. Don't ever hesitate to post. It is very good to have you here. It HELPS me, when I share my experience. Maybe it will help you too  So go for it and share. Love, Becky
__________________ ™Don't tell God how BIG your addiction is, tell your addiction, how BIG our GOD is!! Jesus is our teacher and he is our Savior, who takes our prayers and makes them his own. |
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06-03-2005, 06:42 AM
| #6 (permalink) |
| The Steps Work Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Hillsboro OR
Posts: 15
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I have become a tough sponsor over the years and it is obvious you are dying. Very few of us try to do anything about the problem-fewer get clean-fewer stay clean-fewer work the steps and fewer live in recovery in peace and happiness. Tough, Huh? Stop or die. Living in the problem and talking about the problem is part of the problem. Post when you get out of detox and talk face to face with another human being.
__________________ Friends don't let friends dance alone  |
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06-03-2005, 06:48 AM
| #7 (permalink) |
| Paused  Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Washington
Posts: 5,083
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Nothing changes unless you change it, but you already know that I'm sure. Stay safe Richey. You are on a road to self destruction. There has got to be a better path? Take it...I find the sailing much smoother. |
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06-03-2005, 07:59 AM
| #8 (permalink) |
| I'm an addict. Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Hyde Park, NY
Posts: 1,201
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Dude, Get some help. See a doctor. Blood=Bad. There is no shame in seeking help for a problem, the shame comes in when you refuse to get help and stay out there. I think you know you are an addict, maybe you're not living on the streets, but that isn't what qualifies us as addicts. Simply an addict is a man or woman who's life is controlled by drugs, the getting and useing and finding ways and means to get more. We live to use and use to live. If you are asking yourself if you are an addict, you probably are. People that aren't addicts don't spend time thinking about it. There are only 4 different places for addicts to end up: jails, institutions, dead, or in recovery. Recovery is great. Please get some help dude, you never have to do dope again.
__________________  Warning: I'm a sick person so take any advice I may be spewing with a grain of salt, but it's what has worked for me, so far. |
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06-03-2005, 08:28 AM
| #9 (permalink) |
| Miss Behavin'  Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: regina,saskatchewan
Posts: 976
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We have a disease of the feelings...we numb them with drugs. we cannot recover alone. There is light at the end of the tunnel Richey. You're dying. I want you to live!!! The savings, the sex, the family and friends...nothing matters if we're not here to enjoy it. You are worth the fight! one day at a time Don't do drugs today Richey. \\//Wendy
__________________ nothin' changes if nothin' changes   |
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06-03-2005, 06:32 PM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: London, UK
Posts: 358
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Just a quick note...the blood I was 'coughing up'... turns out to be a busted blood vessel at the back of my throat and not anything in my lungs...it was the blood trickling down the back on my throat that was making me gag and cough. They want me to have some minor lazer surgery to seal the vein... but I wont because I'm terrified of hospitals. My doctor was suspicious but he's convinced I'm bulimic and that's what caused the bleeding. I'd rather he think that than anything else... also it corroberates with the stomach pains I'm having... I've gotta admit I'm relieved I'm not dying or anything... but I KNEW somehow it wasn't anything serious...i could tell...i just could. I also have a sinus infection I didn't even realise I had... except that when i put my hands on my cheekbones I can't breathe at all. I'm glad my doctor is not at all suspicious...but then he wasn't my regular doctor and doesn't speak that good english anyway. I'm tihnking of visting him if I ever need an substance-related medical help. Anyway, it's 1:30am and I've only done about 6 average lines a\ll day...pretty good... although my throat is bleeding again it doesn't feel too bad. I'll respond to individual posts in a minute. |
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06-03-2005, 06:34 PM
| #11 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: London, UK
Posts: 358
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06-03-2005, 06:41 PM
| #12 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: London, UK
Posts: 358
| Quote:
Thing is I don't feel that bad going without coke. I felt pretty much terrible goinhg without anything else (except Es or speed) but I hardly feel anything if i go a day or half a day without some... just kinda and a bit grumpy... like sarcastic and unsocial. It's hardly the sign of someone 'going of the rails' is it? Sex isn't enjoyable for me sober... i just don't want it...at all... no sex drive whatsoever... i had my last girlfriend leave me because i just didn't want to touch her. Also, Im' an alcoholic... i take antidepressants...and i have low blood pressure... so you can pretty much guess what that means :/ Sex isn't the biggewst worry on my mind...intellectually i still don't care for it... but i love it on coke...and i think that fact it's STILL good on coke shows im not really an addict. Thing is sober or high...happy or sad... whatever... i still feel like doing some coke. It's not a major craving... I'd compare it more to needing a cigarette than needing a fix of H... so iguess it'd be a strong craving by 'normal' people's terms but a relatively weak one by mine :/ | |
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06-03-2005, 06:45 PM
| #13 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: London, UK
Posts: 358
| Quote:
My body is not that sick... it's quite ill, yes, but nothing major...i have a LOT of health problems and they are mostly unrelated to drug use so coughing up a tiny bit of blood doesn't seem much to me when I've had a perforated ulcer before and been constantly spewing it up for an hour and requiring emergancy surgery. The only thing that freaked me out so much about the blood was that i wasn't quite sure where it was coming from and feared it my be a ruptured oesophagus I don't need to detox... i don't think it'd built up in my body much and i don't feel that **** when i go without...it's just a psychological thing...and how do you beat THAT? It's a sign of my faulty personality... | |
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06-03-2005, 07:06 PM
| #15 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: London, UK
Posts: 358
| Quote:
It doesn't sare me...truly and honestly it DOESN't... well, not much. It's a little niggling worry in the back of my mind that i don;'t need to get caught up in coke on top of everything else. But right now I'm suffering majorly more with ulcers and digestive complaints... I'm in what I'd call 'agony'... and fairly miserable... I suppose the coke didn't help much...maybe the high blood pressures making them bleed more...but still it doesn't seem much compared to constant vomiting and cramps. I just posted about the coke because tihs a forum for addiction and ot the other stuff in my life... so it's the biggest thing to mention HERE but not the biggest thing in my life. I don't get addicted to just ANYTHING...there are plenty of drugs I've taken and not been addicted to... valium...pot...meth...even stuff like antidepressants (paxil i had terrible with drawals from but not the others). So I WONT necessarily get addicted to coke! Bodily harm and addiction don't necessarily go hand in hand. I could drink a litre of bleach and severely damage my body but it doesn't mean I'd be a bleach addict. Similarly...i could drink bleach daily and try to kill myself... but it doesn't mean bleach is an addictive substance. Ok, i know coke CAN be addictive... but it's hardly as addictive as something like heroin... with with my experience with opiates it seems almost ridiculous I could get addicted to something like cocaine... crack is ONE thing and I'm trying to steer well clear of that...but coke? No... I'm kind of insulted you'd think I was poking fun at you guys... I'm seriously not... i may say addiction means weakness and all this horrible stuff but it's directed at myself not you guys. I hold myself to high standards,,,it's arrogant, i know, but I think I'm too 'strong' to get sucked in by coke...hell...I've detoxed heroin THREE times and methadone once...i KNOW painful drugs...coke just seems 3% beer to a good whiskey to me. If you don't know I'm bipolar...and with drugs and drink I turn i turn VERY different...that's why my posts are giggly and giddy...even now I just feel like I could do something crazy like post pictures of my **** all oveer this forum and not give a ****. That's my problem i just DONT CARE! Not until the pain really hits...not until it hurts so bad I'd rather be dead. I leave things until too late because my capacity for feeling GOOD lasts very long...i even still feel good when right down deep into the throws off addiction... even when i was so bad I'd chew through my arm for a hit i still felt relief and ecstasy when shooting up. And this is how it is with coke... no matter how crappy the day is going it makes me feel better...not really 'happy' but just so much more able to deal with stuff. Anyway, I don't have friends or family who would care... I've disowned my family and they've disowned me... and i have very few close friends... my cloest friend i speak to about once a month and she lives half way across the country. The only people i have regular contact with are people into the drug scene...mostly rich middle classers who wouldn't develope a problem if they tried or my junkie mates who only hang around me to scrounge money off me (in the gap between the H and the coke i made quite a lot of money). Anyway, I'm TRYING to cut down...but my mood lately... it NEEDS coke...im too apathetic and tired otherqwise... i have exams to revise for and I'm SO busy... i barely took any today and collapsed and slept for most of the day...it was horrendous and everyone was rining me up yelling at me for being lazy. And aapthy anf tiredness just remind me TOO much of nodding and i can't STAND that...it's too depressing... if i didn't do coke I'd just be on caffine pills and uppers all the time... at least coke isn't hurting my ulcers as much! | |
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06-03-2005, 07:07 PM
| #16 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: London, UK
Posts: 358
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I am NOT dying! don't say that...serious... I'd be dying if I was still a junkie or drinking hard... but i am NOT dying from coke... seriously...don't say that so lightly...it's ******* scary! | |
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06-03-2005, 07:11 PM
| #17 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: London, UK
Posts: 358
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I want to change but i can't... i know that sounds so pathetic and stereotypical but it;s TRUE! I WISH there was something out there as fullfilling as the stuff i'mdoing but there's NOTHING... it's empty... it's lonely... it's pointless... more than half the time i couldn't give a **** if i woke up the next morning... but getting up to feed a habit is about the only thing keeping me ALIVE! without it i have no purpose to exist or to feel... you wont understand me but it's been like that all my life...i don't enjoy ANYTHING... i don't have FUN...all i do is use...it's the only thing that allows me to feel or even CARE about anything... without it i might as well be dead! | |
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06-03-2005, 07:18 PM
| #18 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: London, UK
Posts: 358
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I've been in jail...hell i've been in prison... 6 months... i'm currently on a suspended sentance... lol with one of the charges being posession of coke... feels so strange because i cursed myself for having it on me at the time becauswe it was very lightrecreational use... blah blha fuckity ****. i hate this. I've been a scummy addict most of my life... time of the streets... dirty needles... squatting... everything that makes society want to spit on you. Yeah, I still might be an addict but I'm SO much more healthier than back then! Coke wont gives me AIDS... it wont make me feel like every bone in my body is broken if i don't get it... it wont give me ulcers and gangrene...it's NOWHERE near as bad as the junk...so can you understand how I'm feeling? I don't want to feel like something society stepped in...and coke is bridging that way... it's helping me to function and give-in to my addict side... but not totally ruin my life again. Okay, it's costing me aLOT or money and making my throat bleed a bit...but SO WHAT? That is NOTHING compared to what I've been through! | |
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06-03-2005, 07:23 PM
| #19 (permalink) | |
| Paused Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Washington
Posts: 5,083
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As far as not enjoying life? It's your addiction holding you back. Honestly, what is there to enjoy about spewing up blood? How can you have fun when dealing with that. It's the nature of the beast. You need some help. At the rate you are going, you will die sooner than later if you continue to use. The clock is ticking. You are in major denial my friend. You need to clean out the cobwebs, then learn how to enjoy life. You've got things backwards. Using isn't living, it is dying. I don't think you want to die. You just need help. You're caught in the riptide of addiction. That is a tough one to get free from. It sounds like you are tired of swimming and are having a tough time staying afloat. | |
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06-03-2005, 07:40 PM
| #20 (permalink) |
| Forum Leader  Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 11,165
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Once again Richey, I wish you peace. Love, Anna
__________________ Anna  "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou |
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