I need Advice Please - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

4wheel · 06-02-2005, 02:41 PM

A person I deeply care about is addicted to Heroin and Coke. It is killing me watching the destructive behavior and the daily routines an addict goes through. It is especially hard when you are watching someone you love run themselves into the ground.

I had my own demons to face in my younger years ,and I have them under control for the most part one day at a time. I never did heroin, so I do not know the manifestations of that drug, but am familiar with everything else under the sun. This is where I ask your help.

She is currently in a methadone program but after seeing the results and the BS someone has to go through, I know that relapse is emminent.

She means too much to me to see something bad happen and I do not know what to do. Sometimes I think it is better to "cut bait" so I cannot get hurt any deeper than I am already. That is really the last thing I want to do, but soemtimes I think I am wasting my time and energy trying to help someone that really does not want it.

Any advice would be helpful.

Thanks in advance

Lbad · 06-02-2005, 04:05 PM

Hi Gosh where to start. Firtst let me say that all I can share is my experience. I am a recovering heroin addict clean for 2 1/2 years off all street drugs and alcohol. I am 9 days clean off of methadone. I choose methadone and a twelve step program and it worked for me. You can read a little more about that in my thread called methadone detox if you want. I never relapsed on methadone never . It worked for me. I was highly motivated.
Sometimes when we "help" people we are really not helping. In order to be willing to really change I had to lose all of my family all of my friends my job car house etc etc. When people where still trying to "help" me it just enabled my using. In the 12 step program literature it talks about why it is neccessary to hit a botttom. It says if you don't you just won't be willing to do the work to get better. Heroin was once described to me as not just a monkey on your back but a monkey with his fist embeded in your back deeply embeded. For me that is an apt description.
If she means so much to you then maybe just maybe you should allow her to follow her path to wherever she needs to go. That doesn't mean you can't love her but well it is a hard thing to describe. It is kinda like the difference between empathy and co-dependency. I don't know if any of this helps or not and please remember this is only my experience.
God luck and God Bless and let me klnow if I can be of any further help.
lbadeker

angelgirl · 06-02-2005, 05:41 PM

Hi there. First I would like to say welcome to SR. You have found a very wonderful place. Many angels floating around these message boards, willing to offer support, and SOME advice, but mostly JUST our own experiences. Sometimes we may not like the advice or whatever that is given, but sometimes it is just hard to take, sometimes truth hurts. But please listen to those that respond to you, most would not reply if they didn't think what they will tell you is worth your while. I know this isn't what you asked, but I wanted to say these things.
Anyway, the info. you gave us seems to me to be very generic. Are you married to this person? Why do you say that her behavior is destructive? What type of behavior? Is she using on top of gettting the methadone? You made it sound as if she is going through alot, on the methadone program?? I don't understand what you mean. Is she in recovery? Does she go to NA/AA? Or ANY type of support group? If no, maybe that is how you can help her, by helping her get into a support system such as NA? The biggest question I have is --- Does SHE want help? Really want it? Sounds like she has attempted to get some type of help if she is in the methadone program.
I can tell you that if she is not HONESTLY seeking help in recovery, then not you, or anyone else can help her. She has to want help, it's alot of work, as you probably know to get and stay clean, if she is not willing to reach out, and go for ALL the help she can get, you can NOT help her. It's really up to her. But no matter your relationship, I can tell you that YOU need to take care of YOU. We addicts will lie to you, and walk ALL OVER you, if you allow it. When we aren't attempting recovery, we are so wrapped up in our drug, that NOTHING, and NO ONE matters to us. ONLY our drug. No matter what she may tell you. Unless she is seeking help for her problem. There are people out there that have benefited from the methadone program, just as the person before me posted to you. But it takes total commitment, as I'm sure you can understand. Regardless what anyone will tell you about methadone, it can work if you go about it the right way. I am on suboxone, not methadone, also medication, somewhat like methadone, somewhat, so I am not speaking from my experience on methadone, I am speaking from the suboxone side, and the are also alot of people that do not believe in suboxone, because it is like the drug, but you knwo what, if it will help her, and she is doing things the way she is supposed to, and not abusing the system, then it will be worth anything she has to go through.
Please check out Nar-anon or friends and family or alcoholics forums , the people on those forums are people that are family, or friends, and could give you advice from your side of the disease.
God bless, I hope in some small way, I may have helped you, or at least headed you in the right direction. Love, Becky

4wheel · 06-04-2005, 07:00 PM

Thanks for the feedback. Because I am not familiar with that particular substance I do not know or understand the particulars but thanks for putting a better understanding on the situation for me. She is in a program (meth) that requires meetings both group and with staff personel.

She was initially using while on meth until they could figure out the correct dosage. Also she did not use for almost 2 weeks until her "friend" found her and gave her some free stash. Now it seems like she is using on top of the meth again. She first starting using around 19 and has battled the drug since then. most recently she was clean for just over one year and some bad events in her life led her down this path again (using for almost 1 year again). However, this past week one of her bad friends had to relocate and hopefully they do not cross paths again. This might be the best thing to happen in awhile for her sake. I'm hoping.

I have known her for awhile and no we are not married but very close. Sometimes I wonder if she is just walking on me but maybe I refuse to believe it because I don't want to. It will kill me to see her hit bottom but maybe that is what needs to happen. I think she is pretty close now so maybe I need to let it happen but it will hurt deeply.

Thanks again for the help.

jill20 · 06-04-2005, 08:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4wheel

A person I deeply care about is addicted to Heroin and Coke. It is killing me watching the destructive behavior and the daily routines an addict goes through. It is especially hard when you are watching someone you love run themselves into the ground.

I had my own demons to face in my younger years ,and I have them under control for the most part one day at a time. I never did heroin, so I do not know the manifestations of that drug, but am familiar with everything else under the sun. This is where I ask your help.

She is currently in a methadone program but after seeing the results and the BS someone has to go through, I know that relapse is emminent.

She means too much to me to see something bad happen and I do not know what to do. Sometimes I think it is better to "cut bait" so I cannot get hurt any deeper than I am already. That is really the last thing I want to do, but soemtimes I think I am wasting my time and energy trying to help someone that really does not want it.

Any advice would be helpful.

Thanks in advance

I'm sorry about your friend, i too use to be on coke, and i';m now detoxing off methadone, i'm on my 6th day with out any. the only way i got to the point is when i lost my family, their trust, and my friends... it's called tough love. and maybe she will be one of the few people to wake up! good luck

grayhorizon · 06-09-2005, 01:21 PM

It is a very tough thing to walk away from someone you care so deeply about. I am in the same situation you are. Everyone tells me I need to just walk away and let him hit bottom, but I don't need to tell you how hellishly hard it is to do this than to just say it.
Saying I can walk away and actually pulling myself away are very different.

I am doing it though, it's extremely painful and I feel the emotional rollercoaster. He isn't completely out of the picture in that he still comes around and tries to talk to me, but slowly I am learning that I cannot let myself get sucked back in.

You can help (result might be very slow in coming) by letting go. Doing nothing is doing something. Right now, she's not thinking of you - she can't think of anyone or anything but the drug. If she was thinking of anyone, she would see what she's doing to herself - then to the people who love and care for her.

Hang in there. Be strong. I am saying this to you and to myself too. Take care and good luck.

Blake · 06-09-2005, 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jill20

I'm sorry about your friend, i too use to be on coke, and i';m now detoxing off methadone, i'm on my 6th day with out any. the only way i got to the point is when i lost my family, their trust, and my friends... it's called tough love. and maybe she will be one of the few people to wake up! good luck

Welcome jill. You should come and check out some of the NA meetings in our area (I'm from Ponchatoula). There is a good one tonight at the community center in ponchatoula. Keep posting, SR is a very important tool im my recovery.

english alison · 06-09-2005, 02:12 PM

i put my man through some hell when i was using .
but i thank the angels that he stuck with me and supported me through it.
im de toxing off subutex now 1 week to go.then ill be clean for the first time in 12 yrs.
you may just have to step back and let your friend get on with it.dont give money just love love love.in the end only she can sort herself out but a good friend is agreat help.i know.
i send you love and healing energy.

english alison · 06-09-2005, 02:14 PM

how do you start a thread?

06-02-2005, 02:41 PM	#1 (permalink)
4wheel Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: AZ Posts: 2	I need Advice Please A person I deeply care about is addicted to Heroin and Coke. It is killing me watching the destructive behavior and the daily routines an addict goes through. It is especially hard when you are watching someone you love run themselves into the ground. I had my own demons to face in my younger years ,and I have them under control for the most part one day at a time. I never did heroin, so I do not know the manifestations of that drug, but am familiar with everything else under the sun. This is where I ask your help. She is currently in a methadone program but after seeing the results and the BS someone has to go through, I know that relapse is emminent. She means too much to me to see something bad happen and I do not know what to do. Sometimes I think it is better to "cut bait" so I cannot get hurt any deeper than I am already. That is really the last thing I want to do, but soemtimes I think I am wasting my time and energy trying to help someone that really does not want it. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks in advance

06-02-2005, 05:41 PM	#3 (permalink)
angelgirl You're never alone!! Join Date: May 2003 Location: Wisconsin Posts: 2,195	Hi there. First I would like to say welcome to SR. You have found a very wonderful place. Many angels floating around these message boards, willing to offer support, and SOME advice, but mostly JUST our own experiences. Sometimes we may not like the advice or whatever that is given, but sometimes it is just hard to take, sometimes truth hurts. But please listen to those that respond to you, most would not reply if they didn't think what they will tell you is worth your while. I know this isn't what you asked, but I wanted to say these things. Anyway, the info. you gave us seems to me to be very generic. Are you married to this person? Why do you say that her behavior is destructive? What type of behavior? Is she using on top of gettting the methadone? You made it sound as if she is going through alot, on the methadone program?? I don't understand what you mean. Is she in recovery? Does she go to NA/AA? Or ANY type of support group? If no, maybe that is how you can help her, by helping her get into a support system such as NA? The biggest question I have is --- Does SHE want help? Really want it? Sounds like she has attempted to get some type of help if she is in the methadone program. I can tell you that if she is not HONESTLY seeking help in recovery, then not you, or anyone else can help her. She has to want help, it's alot of work, as you probably know to get and stay clean, if she is not willing to reach out, and go for ALL the help she can get, you can NOT help her. It's really up to her. But no matter your relationship, I can tell you that YOU need to take care of YOU. We addicts will lie to you, and walk ALL OVER you, if you allow it. When we aren't attempting recovery, we are so wrapped up in our drug, that NOTHING, and NO ONE matters to us. ONLY our drug. No matter what she may tell you. Unless she is seeking help for her problem. There are people out there that have benefited from the methadone program, just as the person before me posted to you. But it takes total commitment, as I'm sure you can understand. Regardless what anyone will tell you about methadone, it can work if you go about it the right way. I am on suboxone, not methadone, also medication, somewhat like methadone, somewhat, so I am not speaking from my experience on methadone, I am speaking from the suboxone side, and the are also alot of people that do not believe in suboxone, because it is like the drug, but you knwo what, if it will help her, and she is doing things the way she is supposed to, and not abusing the system, then it will be worth anything she has to go through. Please check out Nar-anon or friends and family or alcoholics forums , the people on those forums are people that are family, or friends, and could give you advice from your side of the disease. God bless, I hope in some small way, I may have helped you, or at least headed you in the right direction. Love, Becky __________________ ™ Don't tell God how BIG your addiction is, tell your addiction, how BIG our GOD is!! Jesus is our teacher and he is our Savior, who takes our prayers and makes them his own.

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06-02-2005, 04:05 PM	#2 (permalink)
Lbad X IV Join Date: May 2005 Location: Northern CA Posts: 5,437	Hi Gosh where to start. Firtst let me say that all I can share is my experience. I am a recovering heroin addict clean for 2 1/2 years off all street drugs and alcohol. I am 9 days clean off of methadone. I choose methadone and a twelve step program and it worked for me. You can read a little more about that in my thread called methadone detox if you want. I never relapsed on methadone never . It worked for me. I was highly motivated. Sometimes when we "help" people we are really not helping. In order to be willing to really change I had to lose all of my family all of my friends my job car house etc etc. When people where still trying to "help" me it just enabled my using. In the 12 step program literature it talks about why it is neccessary to hit a botttom. It says if you don't you just won't be willing to do the work to get better. Heroin was once described to me as not just a monkey on your back but a monkey with his fist embeded in your back deeply embeded. For me that is an apt description. If she means so much to you then maybe just maybe you should allow her to follow her path to wherever she needs to go. That doesn't mean you can't love her but well it is a hard thing to describe. It is kinda like the difference between empathy and co-dependency. I don't know if any of this helps or not and please remember this is only my experience. God luck and God Bless and let me klnow if I can be of any further help. lbadeker

06-04-2005, 07:00 PM	#4 (permalink)
4wheel Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: AZ Posts: 2	Thanks for the feedback. Because I am not familiar with that particular substance I do not know or understand the particulars but thanks for putting a better understanding on the situation for me. She is in a program (meth) that requires meetings both group and with staff personel. She was initially using while on meth until they could figure out the correct dosage. Also she did not use for almost 2 weeks until her "friend" found her and gave her some free stash. Now it seems like she is using on top of the meth again. She first starting using around 19 and has battled the drug since then. most recently she was clean for just over one year and some bad events in her life led her down this path again (using for almost 1 year again). However, this past week one of her bad friends had to relocate and hopefully they do not cross paths again. This might be the best thing to happen in awhile for her sake. I'm hoping. I have known her for awhile and no we are not married but very close. Sometimes I wonder if she is just walking on me but maybe I refuse to believe it because I don't want to. It will kill me to see her hit bottom but maybe that is what needs to happen. I think she is pretty close now so maybe I need to let it happen but it will hurt deeply. Thanks again for the help.

06-09-2005, 01:21 PM	#6 (permalink)
grayhorizon Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: California Posts: 14	It is a very tough thing to walk away from someone you care so deeply about. I am in the same situation you are. Everyone tells me I need to just walk away and let him hit bottom, but I don't need to tell you how hellishly hard it is to do this than to just say it. Saying I can walk away and actually pulling myself away are very different. I am doing it though, it's extremely painful and I feel the emotional rollercoaster. He isn't completely out of the picture in that he still comes around and tries to talk to me, but slowly I am learning that I cannot let myself get sucked back in. You can help (result might be very slow in coming) by letting go. Doing nothing is doing something. Right now, she's not thinking of you - she can't think of anyone or anything but the drug. If she was thinking of anyone, she would see what she's doing to herself - then to the people who love and care for her. Hang in there. Be strong. I am saying this to you and to myself too. Take care and good luck.

06-09-2005, 02:12 PM	#8 (permalink)
english alison Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: brighton england Posts: 13	i put my man through some hell when i was using . but i thank the angels that he stuck with me and supported me through it. im de toxing off subutex now 1 week to go.then ill be clean for the first time in 12 yrs. you may just have to step back and let your friend get on with it.dont give money just love love love.in the end only she can sort herself out but a good friend is agreat help.i know. i send you love and healing energy.

06-09-2005, 02:14 PM	#9 (permalink)
english alison Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: brighton england Posts: 13	how do you start a thread?

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