The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly!!!

[_If_]

its been awhile since I posted. Hope everyone is well. Thanks so much to you all for helping me through my first couple months of recovery. March 1st approaches, and with it, I am clean for three months =) =) =) yay!!!! In the past three months, I have experienced every emotion known to humankind (and think that I might have invented a couple new ones too.... lol) Wow - I never expected recovery to be so hard, so easy, so straightforward and so confusing all at once. The desire to use hasn't really lessened one bit.... I am still blindsided with cravings daily, still wake up in the middle of tne night from a dream where I was smoking. But, I don't want to (and won't!!!) throw this all away.

The Good:
After nine months unemployed and high as a kite, I came back down to earth, cleaned up (March 1st will be three months!!!), interviewed for and *got* my dream job (even better than the one I lost right before I hit the turbo button on my downhill slide)! Rebuilding my relationship with my boyfriend, we used together, we quit together, we are riding the rollercoaster together, up and down, good and bad, happy and sad.... but still together, clean!

The Bad:
Paying the credit card bills racked up from 9 months of unemployment and a $1-2k/week habit! Cleaning up my house that was beyond destroyed by my mindless "projects" that kept me busy for the last several months - never give a meth user duct tape!!!! =)

The Ugly:
Dealing with the guilt of what I have done, to myself and to those I love. Rebuilding my life, and trying to reconcile the fact of 100,000$ in credit card debts to the fact that for whatever insane reason, there is still a damn voice in the back of my head whispering.... One more bag.... Just one more time.... It will make it all go away. Trying so hard to understand why I still want to listen??

NO!

I forgot how beautiful it is to snuggle up in bed. With a good book, or for no reason at all... Hit the snooze button on the alarm, rainy days, sunny days, cold days, doesn't matter. They are all a great excuse to sleep in now. I forgot how much I love to sleep =) Oh, how wonderful that is! And, eating - Mmmmm!!! Food, now that in and of itself is another great reason to quit! Man, my appetite is making up for lost time!

God is great - He takes such wonderful care of us if we let Him =) ((((((((HUGS))))))))) to you all! Have a great weekend!

[Time2Surrender]

(((If))) Recovery is a long road,but its worth every step.Keep up the good work.

[lonlion]

IF

Thanks for expressing yourself. Cleaning up the mess after the fact is difficult, but adds so much to our self esteem and personal journeys and lessons.

All the best to you

My thoughts and prayers are with you
Diana

[splendra]

(((((IF)))))

Congrats on your 3 months clean!!!! I have a feeling that you are going to make it......Don't stop being honest and remember to love yourself all the way thru this!!!

[_If_]

Thank you all =) I love SR.... helped me so much. I get a craving, I log in, read, laugh, cry, there is always something here that I need to hear. (((((Hugs to you all))))))

[Jane63]

Hi IF and congrats on the 3-months!!!!!
Yes, it does take awhile to get things all cleared up, but those new emotions you are experiencing are PRICELESS!! {That first hamburger was awesome!}
I know what you mean about starting all kinds of projects! I bought some pretty weird craft supplies and stuff while high on Vicoden and never finished a thing...now, I look at them and think WTF? {pardon}
I am still curious about the "duct tape" thing tho!?? LOL, at least we have kept our sense of humor and that is a blessing!

Best of luck to you and have a wonderfulous wknd too!!
Jane

[_If_]

time, lonlion, splendra, jane -

(((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))

Thanks all...... Yup - recovery is a long road, but much of it we have travelled before, only we were going the other direction, and we weren't sober. Now that we are sober, and we have turned around and are headed back toward the right road, we are actually looking at the scenery around us, and thinking...... What the h*ll was I thinking???? I chose this path willingly? No way, I am too smart for that!!! Then coming to terms that yes, you did make that choice, no one forced you, and apparently you weren't as smart as you thought you were. Can't go back and change that.... but going forward, you can make better decisions, be more honest with yourself, and accept that you still have a lot to learn - then get busy learning it!!!!!

And, Jane - the duct tape thing is really hard to explain..... But, somehow, everything in my house seems to be held together by that damn stuff.... Everytime my boyfriend and I find something else held together by and elaborate (and usually non-functional) mass of duct tape and bungee cords we have to sit down, we are laughing so hard. Remember those old commercials with the egg in the frying pan, this is your brain..... This is your brain on drugs.....? Brain+meth/duct tape=mess and can lead to questions like the following - "Honey, why is the duvet duct taped *into* the duvet cover?????"

[gratefulgal]

IF,
your post was very inspiring to me. I can hear the passion when I read it. Congratulations and keep doing what you're doing. My sponsor always tells me that my disease will talk to me and it will do it in many ways, including through people. I hope that maybe that helps. God bless!

[Jane63]

IF, God bless you and your sense of humor! As I get older I find it is one of the things that keeps me sane!
The duct tape story is hilarious!!! Believe it or not, one of my daughters friends made her prom dress out of duct tape last year!! LOL!
Keep up the great work!!
Jane

[CAPTAINZING2000]

way to go on the 90 days That's great.

we all recover in here 1 day at a time. Some of us have a few more 24's strung together that's the only difference.

keep coming back the trip get better the more 24's you have


chris