Functional Addict

[jazpoppy]

I have become the 'functional addict' I always NEVER wanted to be. I was not functional last year when i landed in the ER twice in a month and went through 5 detoxes and 3 treatment programs (only graduated from one of them). I have been posting here for almost a year (even before the system crashed last year), but have been stuggling. Wondering: I take good care of my son, he has clothes on his back, food on the table, good loving care and attention (although I do leave him with a friend to go pick up once in a while), and I work every day, even work 2 jobs. If my ex husband found out that I still drink poppy tea a couple times a week and buy pills and coke once in a while, could he take my son away without no questions asked, would a judge not allow me to see him at all until I get completely clean? (this sounds stupid, I should know the answer is yes, but i am paranoid and want to hear it again from someone else so I can get a good slap in the ass that I need!). I love my son more than anything and can't stand the thought of losing him, but I am sick, I need help, but I am afraid to comitt because I don't want to go away and lose my job! I am trying to find a different job, take some time off to get sober then start working again. I hope it works out. Please say a little prayer that I will find my way and stop messin' around with my addiction!

[eddie z.]

Originally Posted by jazpoppy

If my ex husband found out that I still drink poppy tea a couple times a week and buy pills and coke once in a while, could he take my son away without no questions asked, would a judge not allow me to see him at all until I get completely clean?

YES!!!

Love and hugs,
Eddie

[godsonmyside]

Insanity - Doing the things I do , Knowing it will result to no good, Doing them any way regaurdless of the consiquences.

I really believe there is hope here. You know what you need to do, have the knowlege, why not just do it. Justifying the craziest bunch of non-sense to get one more or lie to others about it, knowing that no good will become of it.
You can do this, desire to stop using is the only requirement for membership. 3rd tradition
Todd J.

[nodope]

Eventually something is going to happen where you do put your son in danger. Well I mean you already are. You are going to need to score, and have nobody to watch him, and firgure bringing him along once won't hurt. OR he's going to relay some things to the ex up the road, and your cover will be blown.

In no way am I judging you. I thought the very same way that you did, but you know this answer. This is no good for your child. That's it.

Go for it.

[Paulie]

I want to say this as delicatly as I can. I am not judging you either, I have never met you, I have never seen you with your son. But as an addict who used for years with friends who had children, the children may have a had a roof over their head and clean clothes, and a parent with a job, but as a using addict are you sure you are there fully emotionally and mentally for your son. How do you know that for sure? today sober, I look back on some of my friends and I can see how at the time I thougth they were being good parents, but sober, I can see how they were not there emotionally for their children.

Just something to think about. Jobs come and go....but these years with your son can not be replaces. and YES is you ex finds out you could lose him.

[Chy]

What eddie said and exactly what Paulie said... I was the same, thought I was a good mom, and I was, but I was selfish and put my drinking as my priority resulting in me alienating the precious emotional bonds I could have been forming with my children. It's so much better now that I'm emotionally there for them and they can count on me, children are resiliant but very perseptive!

[_If_]

Wow....Jaz - your words tell my exact story. Please get help and not just for your son, but for yourself as well. I, too, was a functional addict with a beautiful, wonderful, incredible child. From reading all the posts here (including yours) you know that you are providing him with everything that is necessary for survival (including a mother's love). Remember this though, functional means merely that. Otherwise they would call it "Living-Life-to-the-Fullest" addict. And, we all know that doesn't exist (although most of us functional addicts would beg to differ while we are still using). Anyway, I have one more perspective to add. My son's dad and I divorced when he was 2, and now we live almost 1200 miles apart. His dad is a WONDERFUL father, and I would never take that away from either of them. Therefore, we split my son up every year (one year with me, and one year with dad, and so on). I see my son only every other year. He was just shy of 8 when I got him last time, and will be just shy of 10 when he gets here next time. When you are trying to juggle using, keeping a job (or 2), taking care of your child, maintaining a realationship with your friends and family, and making sure that everyone on this list doesn't find out about your using - trust me, you have no time left to watch your child grow up, and revel in the beauty of all his firsts and truly just sit back and ENJOY his childhood. And, take it from someone who knows, once those years are gone, you will never get them back. You can't go back once you are clean and really express what you should have over his first place at the karate tournament, or take him to the park and fly kites on that windy day, or drag your weary self out of bed at 6am to see if Santa left anything, or go sledding with the new sled he just got from Santa before the snow melts. (Functionality = you pay for karate lessons and get him there, you buy him a kite and send him to the park with friends, you buy the Christmas presents and tell him to be careful while sledding..... ) The funny thing is, he really won't remember that you weren't actually there (kids memorys are so forgiving), but you will, and if you are like me, you will forever. =(

PS - I am clean now, and will be clean when my son gets back. And, I can't even begin to describe how excited I am about all the things he and I are going to DO this year - together =) =) =) That precious excitement has finally truly uncovered the complete emptyness in the word "functional".

[eddie z.]

The funny thing is, he really won't remember that you weren't actually there (kids memorys are so forgiving), but you will, and if you are like me, you will forever. =(

Thank you for that post, If! Sums it up eloquently. So glad you started talking to us!
Love and hugs,
Eddie

[Paulie]

(((IF))) that is so wonderful for you and for your son. Thank you for sharing that.

[_If_]

Eddie, Paulie, and everyone else.... Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I really had no idea how wonderful and helpful it is to talk about some of these things. Honestly, until my post yesterday, I had never put a lot of that into words even just internally. Whenever my son and I talk on the phone, he is always talking about the "cool things he and I did together when he was here last time", so I think for a long time, I hid behind that and didn't really admit that although I took him places (or dropped him off with friends), I was never really an active participant in any of it. Don't get me wrong, I was there, or I took him, but there was so much more that I could have done, and just imagine the memories that he and I both would have at this point! Wow!! all this talk is getting me so excited, I can't wait until summer!!!! I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas! And, jazpoppy, best of luck with your boy too. Remember they grow up fast, and they are God's most perfect mirror, you will look into that face so many times in the years to come and see yourself over and over again. Make that reflection the best it can be =)

[jazpoppy]

Wow! Thanks everyone. 'IF', that was very heartwarming, it didn't make me feel bad, it made me feel good about trying to get clean and stay clean! Its very very hard and i am struggling, but I could read that post over and over again until it sinks in deep into my soul and I shed tears for those lost moments that i have already missed due to this addiction. I am going to keep trying until I succeed, even if it takes 1000 times. Thanks Eddie, Paulie, If, Godsonmyside, Chy and anyone else I may not have listed. Thanks very much.

luv

jaz

[eddie z.]

Absolutely welcome, jaz!
Love and hugs,
Eddie

[_If_]

Jaz - you are welcome. Thanks for letting me share, it really felt good to let some of that go. Here's to the future!!!!