struggling meth addict

[yesworllib]

My addiction has controlled my life in one way or another for 14 years. I have lost so much because of it and I still can't seem to be able to control it. I came here to ask other addicts how did you finally say NO and stuck to it. I really want to quit but it seems when I am not using, I am worthless and if I smoke alittle it gives me such a clear picture of what I want to do with my life to make it better but when I come down I am right back where I started. How can I change the way I feel? I know that my logic is so off thinking that I have a clearer head when im high opposed to when im clean but I need to know what I could do to change my focus when im clean.
Just give me alittle something to think about and maybe tell me somethings that helped you see the light and to be able to feel good about yourself in front of friends and family again.

[Paulie]

Hi and welcome.

I too am a meth addict blessed to be clean for a little over 9 years now. I used for somewhere around 15 years myself, I don't remember exactly because so many of those years were such a blurr.

It can be done, we can get and stay clean and sober. What works for me is a 12 step program. I go to meetings, I work with other addicts, I have a relationship with a higher power that I choose to call God.

Getting past the guilt of the past is very difficult. Understanding that I am what I did, I am not the things that I did that hurt others around me. Those are things I did. I am a good person inside when I dont use drugs.

When using I have no respect for myself or for others. Clean I have learned respect I have learned how to love myself first.

I work each day on not using, some days are harder than others. I don't think that I will never use again, I have seen so many say never and die from using again. I stay in the moment. Each day I wake up and ask my HP to help me stay clean jsut for today.

Keep posting, hop around the boards,meet people here and you will find tons of support and friendship.

I can only share with you what works for me.

[nutz]

I went to meetings no matter what.
and I kept coming back no matter what. even after I relapes
or when I'm high.
I got the NA basic texts and read it over and over again.
even if it didn't make sense to me.
I try to stay away from the pimps, the hookers, the dealers.
or my old playground.

I'm a sick person trying to get well,
not a bad person trying to become good.

I have a choice.

It's a process. it dosn't happen overnight, so I keep going back
to those meetings even when I don't want to.
I was really sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I tell myself that I love myself no matter what, even when I hate myself.
I try to take it one day at a time....At first it was more like 5 minuts
at a time. I allow myself to start my day over anytime I want
becuase I couldn't do that one day at a time stuff.
Cut my days in halves or quarters.
Just for today I will belive in someone in NA that will help me
in my recovery. My thoughts and focus will be on my recovery

I don't pick up no matter what... good days, bad days
when I feel go ,bad, ill and whatever else my head or logic tells me.
It's a program of action, nothing will happen unless I take action.
I can think about using or have dreams about using....but it still
require action to pick up.
THE FEELINGS WILL PASS
Commonsense tells me I can't expect different results by doing the
samething over and over and over again.

I spent a lot time in nature. There I found some peace mind.
No demands of be right or wrong, or do this or do that.
I was kind of **** off at the world and mostly myself.
It was kind of cool to be able to let out my fustrations
and anger. I freaking threw rocks in the woods, Scream
as loud as I can. Even flip the birdy at GOD all mighty.
No one was around to judge me, for I was my own worst critic.
A learned to let go or release my negative feelings without hurting
anyone or cuase more havics in my life.
Plus its was so beautiful and peaceful in nature.

[yesworllib]

First I want to thank you for sharing with me. I have come to that point that i've got to stop doing this to myself and everyone that I love so much. I just don't know how I can quit. The 12 step program is a great way to start. I know I am going to need support from those who are going through this also. The only bad thing about this program is that I live in an area where you know everyones story and alot of these people who go to these classes are just going and telling lies about how clean they are just because they were sentenced in court to attend the classes. I know I would have a hard time spilling my guts and trying to be honest and actually get clean with these others listening and not being totally honest with the class. I feel like I would seem like a fake also. I will check into the classes next week and see if there are more than the ones I have heard of.

Thank you again and please stay in touch.

[nutz]

Annominity.

I live in a small town and pretty much grew
up here. The annominity was working here so good,
I didn't know what the hell NA or AA was.
I thought AA was an auto club.lol

I'm one of those non-court cards or non -recovery house person
Had to do it the easy way.lol
Cutted thur the BS
Either I was going to do it or I wasn't

Anyhow, would you rather save your face (image) or save your ASS (life)?

Most of my old friend or co-workers don't even know I'm in the program.
If I happen to tell them becuase they might have problems or
have family members that has problems...They're surprized but greatful.
Plus they think what I'm doing in my life is possistive and a good thing.
After all...why should I be ashame of doing something good in my life.
I'm proud and honor to be a recovery addict. I've met so many
wonderful loving people in the program. People the cares about me
and truly loves me. You'll be surprize who's in the program.lol
Plus I have the keys to my parents house and get invited,now.

strange ain't it ?
IT didn't care what people think about what I was doing when I was
outthere doing my things. Most people probably already knew.
The freanken cops knew.lol
But oh no.....I might be one of those crazy loosers, NA/AA people.

[yesworllib]

Just talking to you makes me feel so much better about what could happen. I know it is all up to me but I have tried for years to quit and did for about a year but then I let my other weakness get to me, my x-boyfriend, and I went right back to my friends who were always glad to see me. I hope your right about meeting people who may connect with me and like me. I really dont have any friends who I can turn to because some have no idea I still use and the others are just friends because we share the same habits. I have hid this from my family for the last 5 years. They are in just as much denial as I seem to be.
I appreciate you understanding and your positive attitude. Maybe it will rub off on me.

[Jane63]

Welcome to SR!
When I read your post it reminded me of how I used to feel about my drug of choice, which was Vicoden...I felt I could only get things done around the house and be productive while taking large quantities of it...It also seemed to give my creative side a boost.

Yeah...right! Or so I thought! In reality, I really wasn't getting that much more done, not to mention hurting myself in the process. When I look at the paintings I painted then, I can only chuckle and say "what was I thinking?"...they are horrid!! It was all a false feeling...the drug was telling me everything was just fine and dandy...of course, it was not!

I went to rehab for 4-days to get clean and then spent another couple of months recouperating to get where I am today...approaching my 6-month mark! I live in a small town like you wrote about and had the same fears, so I went to a rehab that was in another town about 3-hrs away from mine. I don't attend meetings because there are none close enough, but I do read my NA book they gave me at rehab and come here often. This is my own preference and what works for me {so far!} but I cannot stress enough how very important it is to surround yourself with positive, supportive people to get through this! You have to stay away from anything and anyone that might trigger you to use again...and find things that will leave a positive impression on your life.

I hope you make the choice to get clean from the meth! It is something you will never regret! Good luck!!!
Jane63

[tobstah]

hi yesworlib! My name's Tobia, and I too am a meth addict.

I can so relate to you when you say that youre only thinking clearly when your high... I used to believe that. But to tell you the truth, Im sober today and I see life in such a clearer, better way. I am tasting my emotions in ways I never knew possible. Ive been sober 6 months and heres how i did it:

I went to a 42 day rehab. This is what worked for me. I had to get away from my surroundings for a while, because everything that was familiar to me was related to meth. I was desperate. I needed a way out. and to start off, rehab was the answer. There, I shared about my feelings, my opinions.. in all honesty. I was honest with others. I told my parents what was up. Altho they already knew... When I got out of rehab, I went to a meeting everyday. I was given numbers, I gave my number out... and called a member what I was down in the dumps. I cut contact with all my old "friends". and that was the hardest part. but it had to be done. today I am part of a wonderful fellowship, with TRUE friends.and everyday I learn something new. Its truly wonderful.

Give yourself a chance at a new life and check out the meetings in your area. And remember; if some of them lie, thats THEIR stuff... not yours. Youre there for yourself, and too bad for them if they chose to stay in that life style.

I wish you all the best

tobstah

[A Screw Loose]

Just making the decission of wanting to get clean is the first step. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I ended up homeless and dragging my kids around with me from place to place. I ended up arrested twice within three weeks (I had never had any criminial record in the 32 years of my life at that time). I was going no where and I was going fast. What smacked me in the face was when my oldest, son who was 8 at the time, was more worried about where we were going to sleep that night and what they were going to eat then I was. That's when I took the iniative and went down to see if I could get into a clean and sober home for women and children, got myself enrolled into a treatment program and have been working it ever since. I will have 2 years this coming March and you know what things are going so much better. My kids don't have to worry, I am back to talking to my daughters, I have true friends and other than the normal bickering in any relationship, my SO and I are getting along a lot better then before. Atleast we aren't throwing things or throwing blows at each other. Meetings, sponsor, meetings, support groups, Steps, Steps and more Steps, have all helped me continue. Almost forgot Service Work. Happiness and freedom to do things like this have been my payment.

A Screw Loose.
:insane
and not so much of the insanity

[yesworllib]

Thank all of you for trying to help me realize that it is possible to feel the way I do and still get control of my out of control need for this drug. It's just I dont know how I can control it without someone with me helping me each day so maybe the inpatient treatment would be best. I just dont know. The 12 step program and attending the meeting could possible work but I know myself and I really know I dont have the control to not just let myself answer the phone when someone calls who I know is just calling for something related to meth. I am sooo weak right now and I want to be so strong and its really getting to me. I am just so scared that if I were to go through a inpatient rehab center that my children and all my family would just die to find out that I have been constantly using meth behind their backs for all this time. They all believe its behind me but it's just as bad as ever. I want them to know but Im to ashame to tell them.
I am not going to give up on this and I thank all of you for your sincere advice.

[evelle8]

Hi! I want you to read my poem I wrote it the day I quit 3 1/2 months ago I was a hard core shooter for 8 years the poem tells all
Killing Me
Death to Meth, it's killing me.I don't want to live if dying wasn't meant to be.
How can I save myself, when there's Meth and nothing else.
Take away the pain and the loss and give me back myself.
Who am I. I don't know why Meth can make you cry
I don't want to die but the Meth is killing me one day at a time.
Blind, can't see that Meth is nothing but misery.
To see, to believe it's me.
Be brave if you want to stay before Meth takes it all away.
Please see and believe Meth is killing me.

been there evelle8

[Paulie]

Originally Posted by yesworllib

I am just so scared that if I were to go through a inpatient rehab center that my children and all my family would just die to find out that I have been constantly using meth behind their backs for all this time.

They would not die, but you might if you continue to use. For me, I had to go to inpatient. I had to get a foundation of recovery to be able to say no when that phone rang when I got out, then I continued with meetings and still do today.

you can do this, if you don't put yourself first, you may not be there for your family. Sounds harsh....but that is reality.

[fighter]

i have been smoking meth for almost three years, i have never attemped to quit because i felt it was not doing any harm to me and my immediate family. BUT I WAS SO WRONG. just in the past 6 months i lost both of my jobs and i have been having daily problems with my wife, which i believe is totally my fault and as result of my addiction. I have two amazing and beatiful children ages 1 and 21/2. today is my third day of staying sober, I tell myself there is no way in the whole world i am going back to smoking when i look at my children and my wife. I cry when i am alone, on the outside am this tough and savage person who people respect but they have no idea that am an addict. I never used to scream and yell at my children but i have started doing that and it breraks my heart into pieces(oh GOD this is painful to write) when i see their innocent faces looking at me like WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO DADDY? Please help to encourage me because there is no going back for me my children are everything to me, without them i am nothing they are innocent angels and they shouldn't have to go through this because their daddy is an addict. I will do anything i have to do to make sure my two little angels have their daddy clean sober abd normal. FOR ME, THERE IS NO GOING BACK TO SMOKING METH, NEVER AGAIN. I NEED EVERYONES ENCOURAGEMENT IN ORDER TO SUCCEED SO PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME. fighter

[evelle8]

That's the one thought you must keep in your mind every minute of every day you can't go back I tell myself that every day and I'm around the stuff all the time and I won't touch it .I want to live more than I want to die.You can do it just take it one day at a time. evelle8

[Time2Surrender]

Yesworlib,I have read some good sugestions in this thread.Where are you? I hope all is well. Michael

[tobstah]

hi fighter

your msg really touched me. Im a meth addict too and im now 7 months sober. Im really proud of you for wanting to stay sober so badly. My advice to you is to tell your wife if she doesnt know yet. youre going to need support in this and youre gonna have to get honest with the people close to you. You are doing a great thing right now by getting sober so put aside your guilt and shame and look at this as an essential step in your recovery. For me, i know I couldnt have gotten out of that hell hole on my own. I go to AA meetings. there i found an incredible amount of support. There are NA and CA meetings too. I stronly suggest you check them out. you'll find people just like you who probably went threw the same thing.

I wish you all the best and please let us know how youre doing

love,
tobstah

[Sadgirl]

HI FIGHTER,
THANKS FOR SHARING! IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL FAMILY.
I KNOW WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH , BECAUSE OF MY KIDS. THEY HAVE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH. MY DAUGHTER'S ARE 5YRS. AND 16.
YEAH, WHAT A AGE DIFFERENCE. THE 5 YEAR OLD CAME ALONG RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY DARKEST TIME. TALK ABOUT GUILT. AND DISGUST IN MYSELF. I HOPE THERE IS A WAY FOR ME TO FORGIVE MYSELF, AND I'M SURE BY STAYING CLEAN THAT'S THE FIRST STEP. I THINK WE HAVE TO GET WELL FIRST, SET ASIDE THE GUILT INORDER TO GET CLEAN, BUT MAN IT IS PAINFUL. EVEN THOUGH YOUR A MAN, I BELIEVE CRYING IS A GOOD WAY TO REALIZE, AND ACCEPT YOU NEED TO GET CLEAN.
ANYWAY, MY DAUGHTER'S HAVE BOTH SEEN MY ADDICTIONS, FOR WAY TOO LONG, THAT IS WHY I AM HERE. MY SIXTEEN YEAR OLD REALLY TOLD ME OFF WHEN SHE SAW THAT I WAS USING AGAIN , BECAUSE SHE REMEMBER'S WHEN SHE WAS 8 YEARS OLD, THE WAY THE DRUG CHANGED ME.
THE WAY SHE PUT IT, I KNEW THAT THE MONSTER WOULD GO AWAY IN THE MORNING. (WOW) DID THAT HIT HOME!! AND SLAP ME INTO REALITY.
AND OF COURSE I BURST OUT CRYING.
FORTUNATELY, I THINK WHAT MY DAUGHTER SAW, IS THAT SHE NEVER WANTS TO DO DRUGS. SOMETIMES I GUESS AFTER THE HURT THE CHILDREN GO THROUGH, IT CAN WORK AS A POSITIVE IN THE CHILDS LIFE, ATLEAST I SEE THAT IT DID IN MY 16 YEAR OLD. (so far) . MY YOUNGEST IS A RESULT OF A BAD RELATIONSHIP, A BEAUTIFUL GIRL, BUT BORN TO ME AT THE WRONG TIME IN MY LIFE. IF THE DRUGS DON'T KILL YA THE GUILT WILL!!!
IF"" WE KEEP USING. I'M NOT REAL RELIGIOUS BUT, I DO BELIEVE. I NEED ALL THE PRAYERS I CAN GET. SO I'LL PUT YOU IN MY PRAYERS TOO.
GOOD LUCK.
GOD BLESS

SADGIRL
FLA.

P.S. I'M A FIGHTER TOO!! YOU'LL MAKE IT.

[yesworllib]

Thank everyone for taking the time to share your experiences with me. It was so hard to try and quit everything at once. The meth, drinking, and pills would all just substitute for each other. I stayed clean of meth for 11 days but I did have a few drinks and to ease the moment I would pop a xanax. I cant feel good about being clean of meth when I am still just as hooked on whiskey and pills. I don't think I can do it on my own. I did start going to meetings. Well I actually only went to about 3. But I could see how going could help in recovery. I know I am not the only one who feels even worthless of being well and its hard to except help when you feel like your not a good person and dont deserve what someone who doesnt even know you the support to get clean and sober. I know it sounds like im having a pity party and we all know where that leads but this is how I feel right now. I would do anything for anyone else but will not even go the distance for myself. whats wrong with me? I did tell my family that I was using again and I was going to start classes and they were relieved and glad I was making the effort to change but I cant bring myself to tell them that I need inpatient rehab because I cant do it like this just for myself. Pray for me because I am going to talk to them and shame myself once again but this time maybe it will be the last.
Thank you again for your thoughts and support

[my_BF_is_addict]

hi my name is... let`s just say "Blanka" my boyfriend is a meth addict and its hard for me to under stand why he does some of the things he does... for example get mad easy... how could i try to talk to him with out making him madder than he already is.???? please help... THANKS

[Done-With-It]

I know that my logic is so off thinking that I have a clearer head when im high opposed to when im clean but I need to know what I could do to change my focus when im clean.

Man how true that was for me. I have 7 weeks free and clean from meth. I did what most have mentioned, Just no longer gave myself that option. Sometimes I guess you have to treat yourself the same way you would a child. I wouldn't give my child meth no matter what they said. I don't have a child, but if I did, I wouldn't.
I am trying to treat myself half as good as I do treat my kids (the 20 pd. cat and 3 pd dog) because I won't let them just do what they want to do.
It's a weird logic, but sometimes stepping out of yourself and doing it that way works.
For me anyway. Course that could be why I feel like I am sybil most the time.
I admire your courage and questions and pleas for help.


Set up a plan for yourself, write up a new way that you want to start managing yourself and your life. That way when something comes up you will be more prepared to deal with it. But whatever you do, keep coming back here and posting. It has save me and many others by doing that.