Opinions Please

[spydagirl]

Hi All,
So here is my problem(s). I relapsed a month and a half ago back on vicoden. I decided to go into a two week outpatient program the following week to get myself back on track. Currently my husband and I are living w/my parents since I spent all of out money in the past two years. So they are helping us get back on our feet. Anyway....
I met someone in the program. Another man. We had an imediate connection. Maybe it was out addictions....who knows. My husband and I have been together for the past 8 years and I have NEVER strayed!! Never even wanted to until I met this man.
So I went to a couple meetings w/this new guy w/out telling my husband. One thing led to another and I ended up kissing him. Now I can not get enough of this guy. My husband found out three weeks ago and left me. I am sooooo confused. My family and friends think I have lost my mind. My husband is a great guy and has never hurt me. I am wondering...am I attracted to this other guy because we are both addicts? I AM SOOOO CONFUSED. Any opinions?
HELP PLEASE
-Christine

[kweather99]

Christine,
Good luck with this, I feel for you. They told me in rehab that "two sickies don't make a wellie." I believe it. Every single rehab romance I have seen started has eventually ended, some ok some poorly. Just my experience, and I do not judge you as Ihave not walked in your shoes.

If my sponsee came to me with this we would discuss where his focus was, on recoveryand going to any lengths to get well or not. I would also ask what his motive was for hooking up with someone so soon after relapsing. (possibly to avoid the feelings he would be feelign because of relapsing?) The program tells me I shouldn't get into any relationships for a year after gettign clean. Interestingly, that coincides with the fact that alcohol can stay in my brain for a year or so, making me think less clearly than without anything in my system.

A wise person said to me the other day: "When I look at my motives and try to figure out whether I'm doing my will or my H-P's will, I can look at things very simply. If it is something that brings me closer to my recovery, then it is my recovery (my HP) talking to me. If it is something that brings me further away from the program and recovery then it is my disease talking to me." Has this honestly brought you closer to recovery and your program, or has it made it more difficult for you to see things clearly in terms of getting well?

I am granted a daily reprieve from my disease based upon maintaining a fit spiritual condition. I can tell you from experience that the way I maintain that is by working the steps of the program with my sponsor. What step are you working?

[Grace11]

Hi Christine,

I also totally understand where you are coming from. Being a woman in recovery and suffering from the disease of alcoholism, it is so easy for me to fall prey to my insanity and believe what my disease tells me. That I am a complete screw up, unworthy of love or second chances, that my life is one long uphill battle. So when a nice man comes along and treats me with some genuine caring and tenderness it easy for me to fall into the trap that alcoholism sets for me and start making more of the situation.

Be careful. Given that you are still so early in your recovery stage might this be an example to you that your disease is still very active?? Could this situation be an example of how unmanageable your life has become as a result of your disease. I know that when I am acting and feeling insane, I grabe the Big Book, I grab my 12X12 book and I grab my HP and pray. I pray that I will be restored to sanity so that I can do the next right thing. Which may not be what I want to do.

Relationships are never easy. Especially for those of us in recovery. And we are all human. We strive for spiritual progress not spiritual perfection. It is human nature to be attracted to people. But we must learn a new way to manage ourselves. There are a couple of questions you might want to ask yourself to help you find your way to an honest answer and an honest way to deal with your situation. One is why are you going to meetings with a man?? Shouldn't you be hooking up with the women in your area? The other question you might want to ask is why is this man being this way with a newcomer who is married? I have been clean and sober for a little over 11 years, and Christine trust me, my disease of alcoholism STILL makes me believe what is not necessarily real. It is a cunning, baffling, powerful disease.

Be careful. Read your Big Book, read your 12X12, talk to your sponsor and pray. Ask your HP to restore you to sanity and help you to bring some manageability back into your life. Good luck and God bless.

Grace

[S-ROD]

Christine, I think it may be because your are both addicts and you are both getting help. I broke up with my ex after 6 years and ended up being with another oxy user. We tried "getting clean" together but he didn't want the help. He would try to lie to me while i was in detox and then pull a pill out infront of me or ask me to call my old dealer "For his Friends". Ok i got out quit but but to the point i thinkall addicts are basicly the same. I also had a "thing" with my dealer. It is confusing when you are using and when you are in recovery. I would say try to slip away from thisa guy and stay with the man who has been by your side through thick and thin. I wish my ex would have stayed but we messed everything up when we were using. Good luck!

[woodchip]

beware my friends ::: where there is a skirt-----there is a slip

[snowwhite]

I am going to post my opinion before I read anybody elses to see if I am thinking the same thing. I think one thing that really attracted you to this new guy is the fact that you share one major thing in common: addiction, and I see how you could get caught into this trap. It's a good thing to have friends to share with, as we do here on this board. However, I don't think you are "clearly" looking at what you could be getting yourself into. Look at all the time you have invested in your husband! I would hate to see you lose all that for something that is so new to you under these circumstances. Obviously, it seems like your husband has stuck by you, and, honey, you need to remember that! Many husbands would leave! So you are fortunate! Please don't take that forgranted! Don't waste your entire marriage on something that you don't know is real or not! Get yourself clean and then re-evaluate your marriage before you do something in haste that may be very wrong for you! Now is not the time for you to experiement, in my opinion!

You need to talk to your husband, if you love him, which I am thinking you do, and remember the cliche that the grass is not greener on the other side! I am assumming that you are just infatuated with the newness of this new guy and feel refreshed by him, and in addition, he really understands you because of the addiciton. But now, it is getting out of hand. With your husband, you have a truer, more comfortable love, but you need to respect it and value it very highly! Personally, I would get the new guy out of my head and out of my life if I were you. From my experience, NEITHER of you (nor the new guy) is ready to make such life changes (you both are in need of help right now just for yourselves). You are going through so much now and this is the last thing you need!!!! Do you have kids? If so, think of the damage this will cause them. Each decision you make now with this new guy is NOT a game. You could change your whole future in a blink of an eye with these choices you are making now. And if you are just going through treatment, you can't be ready to make that decision yet. You need to concentrate on yourself and your family, not another relationship. If you and your husband have problems, that's one thing, but it seems that the marriage has been very content so far from what you wrote!

Please think twice about what you do! You might regret it for the rest of your life and that's all the life you have! Be appreciative of your husband's support (although he is not going through the same thing you are right now), and besides even if you weren't in an addiction program, the rule of thumb is never to leave one guy for another. Most times it backfires! You always need time inbetween to find yourself. And you certainly haven't found yourself, yet, so you will be hit very hard under the circumstances!

I can understand how easy it is to get attached to someone who has the same problems you have. But you might be getting yourself into a hole you can't get out of. Why don't you seek other friends in your situation who won't harm your marriage, like females. Do you still love your husband, are you in love with him?

I wish you the best, and I hope you think about what you have at home before you throw it all away and it's too late!! I think right now, you need to get your head straight before throwing away eight years of a marriage. Then you can assess wheter you and your husband truly need to be together. But for now, I am reading that your husband is a good man and you seem to hold him with high esteem, so I don't see why you should hurt that right now!

Good luck!

[Jane63]

Hi Christine and welcome,
I really feel for you right now because I know how delicate we are when we are first out of rehab and recovering! Our brains have not yet processed all the "new" information given them and our bodies are still trying to heal from all the hell we put them through...and we are struggling with all sorts of new emotions...guilt, fear, anxiety...that the drugs "miraculousy" covered up!

I felt somewhat of a connection to many people in rehab...not an attraction, mind you, but I think it is best descibed as a "ship sinking so grab the person closest to you and hug them" sort of feeling. For me though, as my time there ended, so did my connection and the thought of being on a sinking ship! I knew I could not save anyone else there and had to consentrate only on myself. Enough about me, tho....

Seriously, I would rethink your reasons for wanting to unattach yourself from familiar things...such as husband and family. Look at your feelings and question them. The best thing you could do for yourself right now is to spend sometime in your own head and not the arms of a stranger. I am sorry if that is too harsh...it is only my opinion and I hope things get better for you!
Jane

[woodchip]

Hi all.
I almost laughed my butt off when I entered rehab and at one of the first "group orientations" the speaker, a psychiatrist with 10 years at this particular treatment center.came right out and said .You are all sick, You will share your whole lifes stories with your new friends in group therapy, You will connect, These people will listen and understand exactly everything you tell them, they will not judge you & they will understand you like your husband or wife never could/would.You will cry, they will comfort you. the way only another alcoholic-addict can.Now at this facility which holds about 30 people. he came right out and said when you share,you will want to F*&^(% each other.(screw). and sure enough in my 10 days there...they caught people bumping uglies 3 different times (elevator-smoking shack-in the woods) & these were mostly married people and not to each other.I did not although with some sad young gorgeous women in group with nowhere to call home after treatment.......I just wanted to take them home and fix them...Hubba -hubba (alittle co-dependance & fantasy on my part) My wife thought about it and quickly said NO you cannot take them home ( unlike a puppy ) I had other intentions.Remember why you are in Rehab.Its so common when members of the opposite sex open there hearts to you and tell you secrets they wouldnt tell anyone. there is a connection. that was in 1997 and in group, I shared that my wife withheld having sex with me until only after I ate an anta-buse pill.I had 2 women offer thier service to me and give me thier phone #'s and said stop by anytime and you dont even have to eat the antabuse. It boosted my ego but my wife has stood by my side through so many decades of hell.she goes religously to alanon, why would I want any other & more to my amazment why would any women want me? Try sending a singles ad sometime..43 yr.old alcoholic-drug addict. I'll steal checks outta your purse, not come homefor days-weeks on end-You can bail me outta jail & drive me all over the place since I have no license.probation, mtgs, work search(if your lucky) sick everyday.I'll take your jewelery to the pawn shop. get dope, steal our own t.v. and trade it to crack dealers, Max out credit cards.puke-wet the bed.& thats just the high-lights.You have made a mistake.this Man loves you through it all & has been rightous & stood by your side.My best friend who has what I want 2 kids, incredibly beatiful wife who adores him met a tramp in treatment and now a year later. 2 marriages are ruined.both patients are using again..FOCUSthis disease wants to destroy us and can do it in so many ways.. get your guy back if he's willing to forgive you. Your life will never be the same if you do not.

[logo]

Just my opinion. I must be the luckest man alive. I have a story for you. I married my wife when she was 17 & I was 19. We had 1 child in this marriage. After being married for 2 years we got divorsed (I had to go out & do my thing). 17 years later we got remarried. Now we have been married for 16 years(1988) This is when I came into recovery. She has never had a drink or drug in her life. I also recieved 2 more kids. Now I have 3 kids & 4 grandchildren. She is the most wonderful person I had ever met. She has stood beside me through thick & thin. Would I trade her for some instant gradification,I think not. I have watched people in recovery for a long time. Being hit on by other women & seeing other men hitting on other women. Why would another person risk what they have for something new. I have to much respect for my wife to do so. I have seen people with years of recovery hitting on newcomers (gettem while they are hot). Most people I have seen hook up in recovery,it seems to never work out. I tell females upfront that we can be friends,but that is as far as it will ever go. I am allowed to have women friends as well as men friends. My wife has no problem with that. As soon as she meets my friends she seems have a gift that can tell her who they are & what they are about. She has given me good advice manny times about my friends in recovery & business. Even though most of the time I did not believe her. Everything she tould me turned out to be true. Now how can a person do that I said. She does not buy into any of my BS. I can rant & rave and she will look at me then walk away. Then I have to rant & rave by myself & look stoopid by myself. She has unconditional love for me. I have done a lot of stupid things in & out of recovery & she is still here. I have never had sex with another woman after we were married. Why would I when I already have the whole package. Addiction is very cunning & baffling. So watch out what you ask for,you might just get it. Love & Respect Logo

[bluegrassviking]

If you are new to recovery and you are thinking/contemplating going into a relationship with another alcoholic/addict just realize that you haven't even been able to have a relationship with yourself yet, no less some other equally messed up addict/alcoholic.
My suggestion to those who desire a relationship right away

Buy a pot full of geraniums and see if you can keep them alive for one full year and stay sober also.... then, maybe, just maybe, you might be ready

There is a reason the old timers tell you "no relationships for a year". You need to keep the focus on your recovery and changing yourself. Your continued sobriety is the most important thing in your life right now, period!

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Christine,

get yourself well. First things first. Get some clean time in. Our emotions are all out of whack getting clean and sober.


Btw,

you already have a strike against you. The most important thing in any relationship is trust. Could you trust him or, could he trust you down the road? Trust and respect are the 2 most important things in any one's affair. you can't have a mature love without these two things.


Chris

[EndOfRoadWife]

Christine- Sometimes we don't know what we have until its gone and I would really hate to see you lose somebody that truly loves you and has never hurt you..Hate to see you throw something "good" away just giving into temptation....Good luck!

[snowwhite]

Woodchip!
Sorry, but I just had to say this: I like the way you just "tell it like it is!" I am always intrigued by your comments (and your "hold back nothing" attitude), and I DO mean that in a very nice way!