I'm new...and asking for some help.

[kccav]

I just wrote a passage but I think I wrote it under the not necessarily "wrong" forum...but I think this one may be better. My husband is a heroin addict. He has been for 10+ yrs. I love him deeply...but I don't know how to help him. I know he has to want to help himself first...but I can't sit by and do nothing. Our 1 yr. anniversary was on 11/26/04. He was and still is in jail. He's there of course because of his addiction. He got so bad and desperate he resorted to doing things illegally. I know nothing about addiction. I read about it...I research it...I try very hard to understand...but I don't. I've never even taken too many asprin. I'm a "virgin" to drugs. I don't know what he's going through or what kind of support he needs from me when he gets out. I know he's clean now...ginen the circumstances...But it's when he's home that I'm going to worry. I love my husband and have so much faith in him. He is a strong person and I truely believe that. I will NEVER give up on him. I know the real man is inside somewhere dying to come out and be free...I would never leave him and risk the chance of never meeting him. So...if there's anyone out there who could help me understand...or help me to help him...I would be forever in debt to you.

[eddie z.]

Hey, kccav, and welcome to SR! I have been on "both sides of the fence" when it comes to addiction. That is, I am a recovering addict whose first marriage was to another addict and whose present marriage is to a recovering addict. I go to Narcotics Anonymous for my addiction issues. I strongly recommend that your husband get involved with NA if he is not already. And for my co-dependency issues, I go to Al-Anon because there is no Nar-Anon around here. This helps me keep the focus on ME! There is a Nar-Anon forum here and you may want to check out some face-to-face meetings, too.

I heard a great quote recently. Those who understand need no explanation and for those who don't understand, no explanation is possible. In other words, you will probably never "understand" what your husband goes through. That's why it's important to learn to take care of yourself, and keep the focus on YOU, not him. In Nar-Anon, you can learn this, and how to support without enabling. I was so caught up in my first husband's alcoholism that I got really sick, but I have since learned that I am powerless over other people and how to look after me. I wish you both the very best!

Love and hugs,
Eddie

[kccav]

Thank you very much for writing to me. I try to focus on me...and right now since he's gone...it's quite easy. I love myself. We have a daughter, too. She's five. She doesn't understand why he's gone. I would never taint her image of him so for all intents and purposes...he's away in the hosptial because he's sick, ( which isn't a lie...it's just a softer version of the truth). I make sure I'm okay...I have to be...for her...for me...for him. I don't have the time to get upset. I am a full time student...a full time mom...a full time wife...and on top of that I am a full time guardian to keep evil out of my daughter's life and my husband's head. I am a very strong person. I always feel like I have to help, help, help. However...nothing I do helps. I am helpless...not hopeless when it comes to his "other wife". It's just nice to know there's someone out there who will talk to me about it. no one else will. Everyone thinks I'm crazy to be with him still. I have faith in him...probably more than he has in himself. Thank you for talking to me. I am going to look into the meetings you mentioned. It would be good to listen to someone else who knows what I mean. Thank you.

[eddie z.]

You're most welcome, kccav! Have you also visited the Nar-Anon forum on this site? It's a real happenin' board.

This feeling you have that you have to help, help, help may not be entirely healthy. I can't help an adult if he won't help himself, but I can sure wear myself down trying. This is what I mean about taking care of myself first. I'm not very good at explaining what I mean I'm afraid. So do try some of those meetings and come on over to the Nar-Anon board. Maybe they can express themselves better than I can.

Love, hugs, and prayers,
Eddie

[kccav]

Thank you. You really have made me feel better. SOmetimes I feel too ....I don't know if selfish is the word...but I feel that way when I do things for me. See, I'm the "stable" one in the relationship. One of us has to be. But I truely will try the meetings. I want things to get better...and if mettings will teach me a better way to help myself and in the long run...help him...I will do it. I will do anything for our marriage and our daughter. I want a family. So far we're just a bunch of pieces laying aroung half stuck in the right place. The love is there....everything else is pretty much scattered. I appreciate talking to you so very much. I look forward to speaking again. You did say one thing right...His addiction is wearing me down. At first it was new and I could handle it...But now it's like this 4th person I have to take care of. I'm not willing to support her anymore. I pray meetings will show me that I don't have to...adn I son't have to feel guilty about not doing it. Thank you so much. You will never know how much the weight has been lifted off me just knowing it's okay to worry about me. I like the lighter feeling. It'll be okay. Thank you!

[JimTF]

My dad had to struggle with what you are going through. I can only imagine. His wife (my mom) was an alcoholic and he had to somehow make it through. I am surprised that they did not get divorced. The only thing I can say is that it was the Grace of God.

Yes, you have to not try and "change" the other other person, but, this doesnt mean that you just have to think about yourself all the time. I think its good that you care for your husband and truly want to see him get out of this. Just remember that God is in control and somethings are out of our control. Well, that is all for now. I hope your husb. recovers like my mom did. by the way - aa meetings were and aare still a major part of her life. Theres something about those meetings that keeps her away from drinking.

God Bless!

[eddie z.]

You're welcome, kccav!! Always!

And welcome to SR, Jim!!

kccav,
I think the meetings would help you alot. You can learn how to take care of yourself first and not feel selfish or guilty about doing it. If you're worn down by running around trying to take care of everybody, then you're no good to anybody. You don't have to be "strong" anymore. It's OK to ask for help. And meetings are a great place to find it.

Love and hugs,
Eddie