CallMeJosh

I've asked myself this hundreds of times.. when I've tried to get clean in the past..I've gone 23 maybe 25 days..then I relapse.

I won't get into all of my problems..or "excuses" as my friend ds call them.. but briefly, I moved home to take care of my mother who truly was dying at the moment.. but now her pulmonary hypertension is under control..somewhat.. I was sexually abused as a child and every now and then I have to I teract with my uncle/abuser as he and my mom have a business together.. I haven't told him about the abuse..I've got a stepfather I love, in prison.. my biological father truly is one of the worst human beings I have ever met..not as bad as my godmother (aunt) who admits to have murdering my grandparents... My sister is disabled and with special needs..so I take care of her as well.

I am "highly educated" with a master's degree..but where I live the degree is seen as too much for the fields I apply..so I started looking for better jobs in other fields. Anything really. I'm not picky..I'm not the "typical millennial" that doesn't work hard or is self centered.. I work hard.. I earned an MS from Boston University. Hardest thing I've ever done.

..until drugs came along..

I have teo herniated discs in my back. About 11 years ago I had a microdiscectomy. That's where the doctor snips the protruding disc to alleviate pressure on the sciatic nerve and for me, the spinal cord.. it was bad.. he proscribed Percocet. I got better.. a few years back a doctor gave me Vicodin for the pain.. surgery isn't really an option as it's too risky at the moment. I went and got a second..third..ultimately a 19th opinion. They all said the same.. lose 50 to 100 pounds.. then we'll talk. Did I mention the ridiculous amount of prednisolone I've been on? Yeah..I'm sincerely trying..

I'm finishing a taper off the Vicodinand going to start an ibuprofen regimine..

Why am I here? I'm an addict. I've used my legally prescribed pain medicine to find a few short week or two of being able to deal with life. I do have legitimate pain but clearly I'm not responsible to dole out my meds as prescribed.

Besides. It makes me depressed. I was on day 26 or so..the I uprofen thing was working..and I wasn't so depressed.. maybe because I knew I was getting more Vicodin soon.. look.. I just need some help. I've been on this forum enough to know I should be:

1) eatinghealthy
2) drinking plenty of water
3) probably attending NA meetings..
4) exercise to help brain bounce back

Here's the problem.. I really don't want my mom who is narrowly dying to know I'm an addict. I'll tell her.. maybe when I've had a month or two clean time..

Money is tight. I work an entry level job but pay her bills. Don't get me wrong: I WOULDNT WANT IT ANY OTHER WAY. The ability to support her is absolutely amazing.. my mom has becomey best friend because of all the stuff we've been through.

My biological father was abusive physically.. my uncle molested me.. my stepfather was a Marine and instilled with me discipline..he also stoppede from drinking about six or seven years ago. I didn't realize I was a binge alcoholic. He told me..I changed.

What do I need from all of you... Help. Support. Love. And above all else: guidance.

How do I deal without the drugs and handle life? Vicodin takes the edge off life..as does alcohol..I can deal with it.. deal with the crappy job I have (for which I'm thankful for)..

My real problem: everything is gray and boring. Life is horrible without drugs. I cannot seem to handle little things.. no way in hell I can handle horrible or bad things.. my last stint at sobriety (25 or 26 days) was more than I could handle.. I'm scared to handle life sober because I'm not good at it.. I'm in over my head.. I do not have other family to borrow money from to pay bills..(I don't buy drugs. I only use my legit prescribed..just way too quickly)..I used to go to a counselor..but even she admitted I was a bit much for her and she didn't have much guidance or help. (Maybe I should have gone to a different one).

So here I am.. thank you for reading.. thank you for your support.. and thank you for sharing what worked for you and what you think I should do.

I want to be clean. I want to be sober from drugs and alcohol.. I'm just absolutely petrified on how to deal with life sober. It's too overwhelming..and I truly do not have any one to turn to for help.

I'm sorry for rambling.. I nearly want to delete this. I don't ask for help. I simply take care of business and do it myself. But this.. I'm finding I cannot do it alone.

As I said.. I'll tell my family I'm an addict.. I need clean time first. We are a military family. You don't dare bring a problem to the table unless you've got multiple solutions or are working on a solution. If I have clean time.. 30 or 60 days.. then I feel telling her won't be as bad because I can then get her to tally behind my clean time and I can show her I'm doing a good job.

My biological father is an alcoholic.. I was on that road.. when my stepfather called me out on it.. I came back a few weeks later to report that I was sober. It went over and I had their support.

I really am a broken young man.. I have the weight of the world on me and I really have reached out to extended family for help. They refuse to because of my stepfather incarceration.. they really feel my mother and I are just pieces of sh#$. They've said so. Because she hasn't divorced him and moved on, she is for some reason punished and admonished.

Again..I'm rambling.. I want to give all the I formation so you can step in and know what I'm trying to say, so you can feel what I'm feeling.. I should probably stop trying so hard.

Kind regards,
Josh

CallMeJosh

I'm sorry for grammar and misspellings.. typing this on my broken phone.

Thank you again for your suggestions.

Going thru withdrawals is not something I'm afraid of. Don't get it twisted/confused. I've done that many..many times.

Where I need help is where do I go from here? How do I deal with life? And how do I deal with those apathetic days where I'm just sad/don't care/don't want to get out of bed.. clearly I have to yo takae care of my mom.. is it a "fake it till you make it" kind of attitude..??

Maybe NA meetings will help me more than I think.

I'm scared.

But I want to be clean.. I'll take Ibuprofen for my legitimate pain.. and go from there.

Misc72

Hi Josh, first off don't worry so much about telling anyone what's going on. This is a personal struggle that you must confront inside first. Once you are comfortable with the new you then you can tell people if you want. I don't feel the need to tell people because it's not their business.

I want you to know I too have suffered childhood abuse... yes it happened. But it is in the past. WE don't live there anymore. Once I was able to accept that it is not my identity and to not let it define me I was able to focus on the now. Some coping skills to deal with such abuse was to help other victims have a voice or to just be there for them so they know they aren't alone.

I think you are thinking too much... focus only on the physical detox for today. Once you aren't physically dependent then start dealing with the childhood trauma in that you accept it happened, that it has no bearing over you now, let it go, and focus on the now.

Who do you want to be? Life is not boring and grey without drugs and booze. Intoxication is an overpriced, overrated state of illusion and delusion. It also feels good at the time. Of course... that's why we do it. That's why it's called chasing the dragon... Like I said, illusion.

I sometimes get caught up in the illusion too... Especially when I get bored. I've found that boredom is a direct cause of not being comfortable being alone. And how sad is that. Learn to love yourself. Be strong and I'm rooting for you and for me.... It's tough at first. It's so worth it in the end.

CallMeJosh

Thanks for the insanely quick reply.. and thanks for sharing. It was so incredibly difficult to tell my mom and stepfather what happened.. so for you to just outright share.. it means the world to know. I know you know how much it means to me.

Thank you for the guidance. I think that's a great plan you've outlined..

CallMeJosh

I'm open to anyone's suggestions..thoughts..experiences.. I've finally gotten to a point where I don't want to build or base my day/life/free time around being high to deal with life..I want to be able to enjoy sobriety and not worry about how I'm going to handle any little or big problem... I'm tired of saying to myself "I can't do this sober.. I need something to take the edge off.." I want to wake up sober and be happy.. I just know getting to that point is going to take months.

Marcus

Glad you are here Josh. For me early sobriety was hard. I needed all of the support I could get. When I fully accepted that I couldn't drink or use no matter what it did get easier. That there was no chance for me to be content or at peace long term if I kept using or kept starting over again and again.

Each and every day I woke up I reminded myself of that fact and recommitted myself to changing. I know that sounds a bit horrible like there is no way I can or want to do that for the rest of my life. It really isn't though because as you go through the process of change it becomes very empowering that you no longer HAVE to drink or use to get through life. You begin to wake up without all of the guilt, shame, and remorse that a life of addiction brings and are grateful for another day of opportunity. Sober.

It is definitely a process though. Getting through the first few months is difficult because you don't know a better way. People can tell you what it is going to feel like, but until you actually experience it for yourself you really have no idea how great life can be. You have to be able to fight through the down days where all you want to do is escape - all you want to do is use.

I do that by going to meetings and getting involved in 12 step recovery. I don't think that is the only way to get sober, but I can tell you it definitely works. It is structured in a way where you can get daily face to face support and develop a new attitude and outlook on life through working the steps. I have developed tools I can use not just to stay sober, but to live a happy and contented life.

I am over 6 years sober from 20+ years of using. Loads of alcohol, long run with cocaine, and finished it off with years and years of opiates - mainly heroin. I no longer think about getting high. I no longer think about NOT getting high either. I can still get an occasional irrational thought about it, but it does not have the power or pull that it once did. I recognize it as irrational. I never want to go back to that feeling of hopelessness I had at the end. Always chasing the high that was so elusive and self destructive.

I would say try to commit to meetings for a while. I go to AA exclusively now - it is just a better fit for me, but NA is great too. Yes there are some weirdos but I was pretty messed up when I first came in too. The more you get comfortable in your own skin the less judgmental you become of others. The more you realize everyone is just trying to get through life the best they know how.

Like I said take it one day at a time and commit yourself to it each and every day. Start a morning reading / meditation routine. Get to a meeting every day.
See a therapist. Make a plan and stick to it. Don't even argue or try to rationalize with yourself why you don't need to do it. Just do it. You will start to see the changes and the benefits it has in your life and your thinking and you will want to keep doing it. It is easier than you think!!! Take Care :-)

teatreeoil007

Hi Josh. It helps to know a bit more about your history. Man, you've got a lot on your plate.

I sort of echo what Sunshine wrote. That was great. All of us need to put the past in past and tell ourselves it's in the past. I know that's easier said than done, but it can be done. For myself, there is this "letting go" that I've needed to do with a lot of things past AND present.

Isn't it AMAZING how good we humans are at hanging on? There are certain things we can just hang on to like it's a life line or something. But, we don't really find out how beautiful letting go can be until we finally let go.....

Granted, there ARE things we need to hang on to like being clean and sober and the tools we need for that. But, there many things we just need to let go of...past hurts, past trials, past struggles, past rough patches......we can learn many valuable lessons from things from the past, but the hurt, resentment, trauma...we need to let go.

Josh, you do sound depressed and it sounds like you have explored help for that. Keep searching for answers, brother.

Yesterday I found an old little diary I had kept while I was going through a very rough patch in life back in 1990. Oh my gosh! I had almost forgotten some of the feelings and struggles I went through back then....it was good to read. It's in the past, but I've drawn lessons from getting through that time. Whenever I hit rough patches today I mentally tell myself if I could get through that I can get through this.

Life's adversities don't have to completely take us down....we are more resilient than we know.

Yes, there are times when we just feel weak. I know I have a Higher Power that is always there for me. I just need to call on it. I can depend on It.

teatreeoil007

As I was going through more "old things" yesterday, I came across this quote from a little booklet a dear older lady gave me when I was a teenager:

"What lies behind us....what lies before us....are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

CallMeJosh

Thanks everyone..very positive stuff here.

I know once I fully detox, the first two weeks are mentally miserable. Then it gets a bit better, but there is such a lack of emotion and care. I just don't care. I cannot literally care enough to even brush my teeth. Little problems become these anxiety riddled obstacles.. in order o do one thing I need to set up three..It's all just frustrating and I cannot seem to live with myself...and the entire time I'm thinking that I cannot do it sober.

I have a bit of a struggle ahead of me, I know.

What worked for you guys when you were apathetic/didn't care?

Thanks again

teatreeoil007

I know that when apathy takes hold a relatively small task can feel immense. Also we tell ourselves "why bother" with even the small things if we can't conquer the big things.

What has helped me is to tell myself that every little small task is worth going for; worth doing. For example, I know I will feel better if I brush my teeth. I will further feel better if I take a shower. I will FEEL better just by doing those simple, seemingly little things. So, I tell myself to just do them, and yes, I feel better afterwards and if I feel better I may feel more up doing something else too! One thing seems to lead to another. In our society today we more impressed with the "big things". But the little things are important too, they really are. A person is not a failure if they aren't doing something 'big'. So, you just do what you CAN do, even if it seems small and I think you'll feel better.

teatreeoil007

For myself: More than half the battle for things I want to get done is in the motivation factor. When I lack motivation, I try to get inspired somehow.....it's almost like a mind-game I play with myself.

Take today, for instance. I need to get ready to take a trip. I've been looking forward to this. I need to pack. I need to figure out what I should take. I'm excited about this trip, but I want to pack light, so the perfectionist in me is telling me to take just the right amount of stuff and the right outfits and have everything lined out just so. But, there's something else telling me to stop being such a perfectionist and just do it! Just, get ready. Do I have to be so detail oriented? No, I don't. I mean, I do tend to be detail oriented and that can be a positive trait at times...but being TOO detail oriented can make me lose sight of the big picture.

So, see, I play these mental games from time to time. But, I find that motivation is MORE than half the battle. When I have been depressed in the past, motivation has been a real problem for me. I know depression is lifting when I start to feel more motivated again.

CallMeJosh

Teatree,

That is incredibly similar to myself. I find myself in this weird limbo state..

This is how it starts.. I tell myself: "If I was just using a few pills here...I'd be happy..I'd be motivated...so I'll wait to do that until I'm using/high..."

When I'm using...does it get done? Probably not! Them I'm out...and it still isn't done. I just had an epiphany today. This cycle isn't helping me. It's hurting me. I'm failing. I'm not succeeding..

I haven't been here before. I'm finally seeing the addiction for what it is: worthless. It doesn't help, just hurts me, my loved ones, and everything around me. It's WORTHLESS. There is no 'value' or 'good part' to using. Sure, temporary escape..but then later it's (the depression or To-Do list) back in full force..and usually worse because I didn't do anything about it. I'm finally coming around to breaking the cycle..instead of just patching the gap...or bridging the gap...I'm finally seeing that it's all one worthless rat race and I'm the biggest loser in the race. I don't win anything...I don't gain anything...Nothing positive happens.

But I know that not using leaves me with anxiety and not knowing how to deal with the day to day. I really need to just figure out a way to 'deal with life.'

CallMeJosh

I find myself stuck in this cycle. I put off until I can use...and when I use, I never accomplish whatever it was I was going to do...AND THEN THE CYCLE STARTS OVER.

I'm out. So I wait until I have some to use again...then I just can't do anything because I'm going through withdrawals or using doesn't fit my schedule...so nothing gets done. WHY DO I DO THIS?!

Miraculously I'm coming to this realization. I haven't before. I'm finally at a point where as I mentioned: I'm done with this cycle...circle...rat race...

I tried getting clean last February.. If only I had stayed clean I'd have a year and a half clean time...I bet I'd be at a point that I want to be at now - if I had just stayed clean then. Make sense?

I don't really remember a time when I was sober and happy...So my biggest problem I think is trusting that I will be happy when I'm sober (eventually).

Thanks for reading..catch ya later.

teatreeoil007

I hear ya Josh.

Hmmm. Trust. Yes. You are embarking on new territory.

Cannot remember being sober/clean and happy? That could be part of the problem and part of what drove you to use in the first place; to get happy, if even temporarily. So, if you've never been happy sober, yes, this is going to be new territory for you. But it sounds like you are not happy using either and you've reached a point that you know the 'rat race' is only adding to unhappiness overall as you/we pay the price of using. It costs. At first, it seemed to 'work' some. But somewhere along the way, it no longer worked like it did before. Tis the progressive nature of the beast.

It IS a leap of faith to gain new trust that you can be clean, sober, and happy.

My initial focus was on needing PEACE. And, for me, peace is part of happiness. Bliss[ to me] is when you have both peace and joy intertwined. We are with you each step of the way, Josh.

CallMeJosh

Exactly.. at first using was working. I was Superman! Now using has become my kryptonite..and when I do I'm Super Moody!

I'm taking the leap of faith..getting clean.. I've finally realized this isn't for me anymore. I'm tired of it. I've read could toss threads where people say that and I've always thought "pshh..not me.. I'm using forever.." but as the cliche goes: I woke up one morning and was just tired of all the struggles that go alone with using..

Thanks for the continued support.. I love you all..and I'm here to stay.

CallMeJosh

Finding happiness has always been a tough thing.. using gives me that happy little escape..but is never a life changing fix..it's always a bandaid..I'm just tired of living and waiting for that bandaid..and it's never that good either. I'm hoping to find a life changing fix that provides that happier ess and resolute answer. Exercise. Healthy foods.. that will hopefully be a beginning.

CallMeJosh

Why exactly do I use?

To get to a mindset. I can take care of phone calls that are intimidating, work that is overloading, and life that is overwhelming.

The key to sobriety for me is getting to that 'mindset' that I get when using. What helps you? Clearly after detox and withdrawals, what helps get you back to that mindset - but in a healthy manner?

I'm still early in my stages here...so I'm going to assume working out and exercising a lot more than what I was doing is going to help...other than that, I really feel like I'm on my own to 'figure out what works for me.'

I'm impatient. I want someone to hand me the answer-book. I'm not saying I'm not willing to put in the work...but the addict inside just 'wants to know NOW' rather than work hard.

That's all for now. I look forward to reading what helps you all. I know for me it's the promise of something fun - a family outing, anything really. I literally FORCE myself to like and enjoy it...and sometimes, I end up actually finding that I enjoy it. My sponsor has said that's sometimes what he has to do with over 20 years of sobriety.. 'There is nothing wrong in faking it until you make it - so long as it's healthy, safe, and legal. Sometimes the mind needs to be shown what to do by the body. Same goes for exercise and eating right.'

I think he has some valid points.

I sincerely thank you all for responding and supporting. I hope to return the favor with encouraging words one day for you as well.

- J

CallMeJosh

I sincerely think that is my problem: finding the mindset.

When I'm using, I can somewhat get to this mindset where the world isn't such a bad place and I can do what needs to be done (job, work, housework, responsibilities, talk to bill collectors, etc). When I'm not using, I just sit. I'm stuck. I'm in this place where nothing gets done. I don't want to do anything, and I just want to wait and push everything off until I'm using and in that 'mindset'.

Why am I telling you this? Because I'm bringing the problems that NA meetings and my sponsor don't exactly answer. The answer is "Sobriety will lend itself to a new mentality" - I believe it will.. but until then, while I'm working at it.. what works for you?

What helps put you in the mentality or mindset that I'm describing? I'm at a point where everything is just...gray. Nothing really matters. I know I'm detoxing..I know withdrawals are not at their worst..but this time, I really want sobriety...but there are times where I just want to curl up into a ball and run from the world.

Does any of this even make sense? Sometimes I feel absolutely ridiculous telling my innermost thoughts to a forum...BUT - you guys have supported me and built me up when no one else could.

So knowing that I'm using to 'escape reality' or better 'deal with reality' and get to a 'happy point' where I'm able to take on tasks that seem overwhelming and just downright daunting when I'm sober, what can I do?

I sincerely think, feel, and KNOW that's why I use... I use to escape my past, I use to feel better and not so sad/angry with life... I use to get to a point where I can deal with life...do work I don't otherwise want/feel I can handle...that's really it. (I'm posting this as my sponsor has asked me to really think *WHY* do I use. I sincerely think its a culmination of those things).

Now the point to this post: How do I get to that point where I can approach things/life/problems sober - as I only have been able to when I'm using/high?

Again, I'm sorry I'm rambling so much...I'm sorry I'm a mess...but thank you again for reading and taking time to help.

- Josh

teatreeoil007

All those "tasks" that you feel could only do when you were using? Well, you've got a learning curve of sorts ahead you now....learning to do all those things again without the substance. And, it's going to feel different for sure...you're going to feel out of sorts too at times; at first a lot of time....you're going to feel like sludge sometimes....you're going to feel it's hard to get going. You're going to feel like you are literally learning to live again in a whole new way. You're going to feel impatient and there are going to be times when you don't like it one bit.

But, you got to keep pushing on. Rest when you need to. Don't expect too much out of yourself. And, be patient. It's a process. Yes, make yourself go through the motions of doing what you don't really "feel" like doing and the rest tends to follow.

For example, there are times when I don't "feel" like doing certain things....but those things still need to be done....whether I like it or not. So, I make myself do them and I tell myself I'll feel better if I do them than if I don't do them.

Mindset: Yes. Your new "accomplishments" are going to take on a new shape. Some of the simplest tasks will seem hard, but it's like baby steps. Take those baby steps. You're learning to walk in a whole different way....without your drug of choice. And, because using impacts the brain so much, you are literally re-wiring your brain. Yes, the motions the body goes through does re-wire the brain. Try not to take on anything too gigantic to accomplish.

Keep it simple. Find the BEAUTY in the simple things...even if they seem small....

Change. Your mind, body, soul are in for a change. Change can be challenging, but also exciting. Tell yourself, remind yourself that THIS particular change is a very very good one!!

Empathic1

hi I'm new I'm so glad I found this great group.I felt so alone before reading other peoples stories similar to mine,your words about your feelings matches my feelings to a tee,i dont feel real some days,on bad days I dont want to feel atall.id give anything to kno what happy feels like naturally, I feel like I exist but dont live we gotta keep on soul searchin eh..we'll find it , keep strong