Is my AS playing me by asking for outpatient?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Is my AS playing me by asking for outpatient?
Hoping people on this forum might be able to help me get clarity about my AS and his decision to go into outpatient, at last minute he was supposed to go into inpatient.
My heroin addicted son (just turned 30 today) has been in an out of rehab this year, with mixed success and difficulties. He has gone back each time to try again, largely at my behest and to satisfy courts, but he has wanted to get sober more this time than before. He even been on subs 5-6 months with a cpl of times going off briefly between rehabs.
He also had 4 overdoses this past 9 months in between rehabs, 2 while at my house and we had to call 911. This does pull at my fears and concerns, which is why I let him come back home after being discharged from rehab. ( 2 times for using, 1 time for an argument with another client, that he didn't start.)
He just completed 7 days in detox, with a committment to go into inpatient again for 2-3 months. After hours of intake, at last minute asked to wait longer or do something else. After I spoke with a sober counselor who runs outpatient program, it seemed reasonable to give him a chance at outpatient and get on with looking for work, etc. My AS agreed to go back on subs, go to outpatient, meetings, and mental health appointments. He said he couldn't take another lock down period and that it just made him want to use more.
It seemed like outpatient, etc would give him a chance to focus on his goals, get work, etc....
Well, slowly the agreement began to get looser and looser as he asked for just a few more days to rest after detox, etc. He has continued to see his Suboxone doctor, but still not taking subs. he was supposed to at least meet with/call the outpatient counselor. His GR money came the day before his birthday and he didn't give me half of it to hold as agreed.
I've been trying to allow him more space to make decisions and see if he would follow through with the plan he agreed to. I did allow some leeway since he was still needing a few days to recover from the detox and said he was still weak.
He wound up smoking H the day his money came in or at least on his birthday for sure. He said he was depressed and anxious about his future on his birthday and was feeling hopeless when I asked about it.
I told him that if he didn't stop and get back on track he had to go to inpatient and that he may not be ready for outpatient.
He knows he can't stay here and use. I truly am done with it and don't want to live with the anguish, doubt, etc.
Suggested he stop and nip this in the bud now and if outpatient is too hard or doesn't provide enought structure , he will need to go to inpatient next week.
The most time he's been able to be clean this year in a few short stints of rehab is 3 months. After a 2-3 week run between rehabs, he does back on subs and commit to his recovery program when he goes in.
I wont go through any more crap with his continued using. He has stopped today and went to a meeting last night. He knows he can't stay here if this continues. Whether or not he is done, I am.
I have drug tests, so I don't have to play guessing games. Fact is, I'm sick of the guessing games....did he use? Timing him in the bathroom, going through his pockets and all the other sickness this has become for me.
My question is....is my AS playing me? Am I being too easy on him by not insisting on inpatient?
Is one slip in just a few days after detox enough of a sign already?
My heroin addicted son (just turned 30 today) has been in an out of rehab this year, with mixed success and difficulties. He has gone back each time to try again, largely at my behest and to satisfy courts, but he has wanted to get sober more this time than before. He even been on subs 5-6 months with a cpl of times going off briefly between rehabs.
He also had 4 overdoses this past 9 months in between rehabs, 2 while at my house and we had to call 911. This does pull at my fears and concerns, which is why I let him come back home after being discharged from rehab. ( 2 times for using, 1 time for an argument with another client, that he didn't start.)
He just completed 7 days in detox, with a committment to go into inpatient again for 2-3 months. After hours of intake, at last minute asked to wait longer or do something else. After I spoke with a sober counselor who runs outpatient program, it seemed reasonable to give him a chance at outpatient and get on with looking for work, etc. My AS agreed to go back on subs, go to outpatient, meetings, and mental health appointments. He said he couldn't take another lock down period and that it just made him want to use more.
It seemed like outpatient, etc would give him a chance to focus on his goals, get work, etc....
Well, slowly the agreement began to get looser and looser as he asked for just a few more days to rest after detox, etc. He has continued to see his Suboxone doctor, but still not taking subs. he was supposed to at least meet with/call the outpatient counselor. His GR money came the day before his birthday and he didn't give me half of it to hold as agreed.
I've been trying to allow him more space to make decisions and see if he would follow through with the plan he agreed to. I did allow some leeway since he was still needing a few days to recover from the detox and said he was still weak.
He wound up smoking H the day his money came in or at least on his birthday for sure. He said he was depressed and anxious about his future on his birthday and was feeling hopeless when I asked about it.
I told him that if he didn't stop and get back on track he had to go to inpatient and that he may not be ready for outpatient.
He knows he can't stay here and use. I truly am done with it and don't want to live with the anguish, doubt, etc.
Suggested he stop and nip this in the bud now and if outpatient is too hard or doesn't provide enought structure , he will need to go to inpatient next week.
The most time he's been able to be clean this year in a few short stints of rehab is 3 months. After a 2-3 week run between rehabs, he does back on subs and commit to his recovery program when he goes in.
I wont go through any more crap with his continued using. He has stopped today and went to a meeting last night. He knows he can't stay here if this continues. Whether or not he is done, I am.
I have drug tests, so I don't have to play guessing games. Fact is, I'm sick of the guessing games....did he use? Timing him in the bathroom, going through his pockets and all the other sickness this has become for me.
My question is....is my AS playing me? Am I being too easy on him by not insisting on inpatient?
Is one slip in just a few days after detox enough of a sign already?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Thank you Marcus. I was hoping you'd respond. I really value your ESH.
I also posted on Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forum about my AS. Went through a lot finally coming to the reality of the situation. Also expressed my frustration with rehabs and their requirements or how some seem to exacerbate the problem.
Bottom line is I caved this time and he wanted to get high more than he wants to get over it. Still, it would be easier if not for some of the obstacles I and he have faced. ( Please read my posts on the Friends and Family forum)
I also posted on Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forum about my AS. Went through a lot finally coming to the reality of the situation. Also expressed my frustration with rehabs and their requirements or how some seem to exacerbate the problem.
Bottom line is I caved this time and he wanted to get high more than he wants to get over it. Still, it would be easier if not for some of the obstacles I and he have faced. ( Please read my posts on the Friends and Family forum)
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
I'm very sorry about your son, Vaya.
I hope you take care of yourself as best you can.
No one could take care of me when I was still drinking and using, and I wound up getting sober.
So there's always hope.
Take care.
We're glad you're here with us.
I hope you take care of yourself as best you can.
No one could take care of me when I was still drinking and using, and I wound up getting sober.
So there's always hope.
Take care.
We're glad you're here with us.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Thank you. Ultimately I believe you are right.
Do you think it's ok for me to call the rehab today and let them know he's going to do inpatient? (they still think he's considering outpatient and just getting a physical so insurance will pay for it)
He's sleeping now. We discussed it yesterday. I'd kind of like to let him sleep as much as possible so he can kick today.
thinking to set it up for tomorrow or Wednesday. ( have to see what they have available)
or should he call?
Do you think it's ok for me to call the rehab today and let them know he's going to do inpatient? (they still think he's considering outpatient and just getting a physical so insurance will pay for it)
He's sleeping now. We discussed it yesterday. I'd kind of like to let him sleep as much as possible so he can kick today.
thinking to set it up for tomorrow or Wednesday. ( have to see what they have available)
or should he call?
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Hi Vaya...sorry I haven't responded sooner. Was off the computer most of the last few days...
Anyways, is your son 'playing you'?
I'd say he's likely not deliberately playing you but his addiction is playing everyone, including him. Addiction is tenacious, cunning, baffling. It gets a grip and doesn't want to let go. I'd say he is more driven by his addiction than he is trying to play you. Of COURSE the addiction wants loose boundaries, less accountability, less structure, more leeway. Addiction wants its way at all costs. And, it DOES cost. It costs the addict, family, parents, friends, and anyone involved.
Addicts who really want to get clean and stay clean need to really want it for themselves and want it bad and be willing to do whatever it takes. Without 100% commitment, chances of staying clean are not that great, sad to say.
Anyways, is your son 'playing you'?
I'd say he's likely not deliberately playing you but his addiction is playing everyone, including him. Addiction is tenacious, cunning, baffling. It gets a grip and doesn't want to let go. I'd say he is more driven by his addiction than he is trying to play you. Of COURSE the addiction wants loose boundaries, less accountability, less structure, more leeway. Addiction wants its way at all costs. And, it DOES cost. It costs the addict, family, parents, friends, and anyone involved.
Addicts who really want to get clean and stay clean need to really want it for themselves and want it bad and be willing to do whatever it takes. Without 100% commitment, chances of staying clean are not that great, sad to say.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 198
Vaya,
I pray everything has worked itself out for the better. I know that sentence carries a lot of unknowns and weight..but I pray all is well.
So, in a nutshell. I am very similar to your son. From what I've read you're an amazing mother and he so dam$%d lucky to have you. I'm happy he has the love an support from you.
When I was where your son was at...my mom told me two things.
1) I'll always support you, not your habit.
2) I love you and you're going to get past this and heal from whatever is hurting you...and I'll be there to love you every step of the way.
That was the only reason I really got clean. I had a lot of things that were being covered up with drug use. Some things my own mother didn't know. But I can see how much you love him. He's lucky.
Don't ever be afraid to remind him that you love him. Thanks for being one of the few mothers/parents/family/friends that understand its a disease and not a choice. For some it may be...but the way your son is using...it's not a choice. He is lucky to have a loving mother. I'm sure you tell him...so...I'm THANKING YOU. Thank you for being you. Not many family members are open and willing to help.
I pray everything has worked itself out for the better. I know that sentence carries a lot of unknowns and weight..but I pray all is well.
So, in a nutshell. I am very similar to your son. From what I've read you're an amazing mother and he so dam$%d lucky to have you. I'm happy he has the love an support from you.
When I was where your son was at...my mom told me two things.
1) I'll always support you, not your habit.
2) I love you and you're going to get past this and heal from whatever is hurting you...and I'll be there to love you every step of the way.
That was the only reason I really got clean. I had a lot of things that were being covered up with drug use. Some things my own mother didn't know. But I can see how much you love him. He's lucky.
Don't ever be afraid to remind him that you love him. Thanks for being one of the few mothers/parents/family/friends that understand its a disease and not a choice. For some it may be...but the way your son is using...it's not a choice. He is lucky to have a loving mother. I'm sure you tell him...so...I'm THANKING YOU. Thank you for being you. Not many family members are open and willing to help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Thank you Call Me Josh. I appreciate your point of view. I have been torn between tough love and working with my son to encourage him. I have kicked him out before and he has been homeless. Although he is still using, he has been trying more this year, for which I give him credit. Even deciding to go on subs shows a committment, despite terrible, debilitating hedaches he got. He's let me hold most of his money, and has been in recovery more than out this year, with only about 2 1/2 months using, and 1 of those months while he was waiting 30 days to get into the program he got discharged from. I feel he has shown a willingness to recover this year and would still be in his last program, if it wasnt for the argument he and another client got into.
At any rate, it's comforting to know how you, a recovered addict, feels and does my heart good. I believe love and faith in my son is important to his overall well being. Thank you.
At any rate, it's comforting to know how you, a recovered addict, feels and does my heart good. I believe love and faith in my son is important to his overall well being. Thank you.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,099
Originally Posted by vaya 
Thank you. Ultimately I believe you are right.
Do you think it's ok for me to call the rehab today and let them know he's going to do inpatient? (they still think he's considering outpatient and just getting a physical so insurance will pay for it)
He's sleeping now. We discussed it yesterday. I'd kind of like to let him sleep as much as possible so he can kick today.
thinking to set it up for tomorrow or Wednesday. ( have to see what they have available)
or should he call?
Do you think it's ok for me to call the rehab today and let them know he's going to do inpatient? (they still think he's considering outpatient and just getting a physical so insurance will pay for it)
He's sleeping now. We discussed it yesterday. I'd kind of like to let him sleep as much as possible so he can kick today.
thinking to set it up for tomorrow or Wednesday. ( have to see what they have available)
or should he call?
"He's sleeping now. We discussed it yesterday. I'd kind of like to let him sleep as much as possible so he can kick today."
That is love. Such a simple statement with a lot unsaid behind it. You're a good mom, and your son is lucky to have you on his side. Just from this addict's point of view, the way you are treating him, helping him, encouraging him, is what will maybe get him sober. More so than tough love and criticism. He will respond to that and thank you for it later.
I wish my mom would do that.
My prayers are with you and your son. I hope he can get clean and stay clean. I can see how much you care for him. I hope everything works out. And much respect to him for even trying.
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