Been awhile check in
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Been awhile check in
Well...some of you remember me. It's been quite awhile since I've visited. But this was my 1st support I had the very 1st time I tried recovery.
Been a lot of ups and downs since then. Mostly downs.
I really started to believe I was a lost cause and would die in active addiction.
I have come very close several times.
However..I'm still here. Sooo...gotta be some purpose to this journey of mine.
Well...1st. I have around 9 months clean. Not much but it is the longest clean time I've ever had in my 30 years of poisoning myself.
I think the last time I posted I had told you all that I tried shooting heroin . Something I always swore I'd never do.
Well. Just as I feared . It took me down to the absolute lowest of the lows and faster than anything I've ever tried previously.
Not sure if I've been here since my accident last year.
I was hit by a truck riding my bicycle coming from the dope man's house and broke my femur. I ended up ODing for the 1st time a week later. Also found out I had a really bad case of pneumonia. This all happened a few months after being hospitalized for a month due to MRSA and cellulitis in my hand where I had 3 surgeries and almost lost a finger and half my hand from shooting dirty.
After I broke my leg and ODED I got on a bus and came back to NY with my family. I stayed clean for 7 months. Completely miserable the entire time. So I thought it'd be a great idea to fly back to Florida for 2 weeks to get away from myself..lol
Ended up ODing again and baker acted for a week. I was in such bad shape when the cops came they ran my name and seen I had a misdemeanor warrant and instead took me to the hospital and told me I better get my ass back on that plane and go home when it was time. Cop said it was the least he could do after 10 years out there with me. He was glad to see if picked up weight and that I did in fact have a return ticket home. Locking me up on the warrant would have kept me stuck and in turn continued my self destruction. Who said all cops are bad? One of the reasons why I try to be respectful to them.
Anyway. I did come back. I did one last shot and smoked one last dime piece while waiting for my departure at the airport. Got home August 28th 2016 and haven't looked back since. Not once.
I just had another surgery on my leg 3 weeks ago because after 15 months my leg still hasn't healed.
But I believe with everything I love in my heart that me getting hit and breaking my leg was a blessing in disguise.
It was thee of lying way I was going to survive my addiction. I was out a fast track to prison or death. I know without a doubt I'd be dead or in prison by now. Something was done for me that I was no where near doing for myself.
And the only way that was going to happen was to totally take my means to do everything away.
Cant walk..can't get money to get drugs. So I couldn't have made it even if I wanted to. And believe me..I tried for a week before I did come home right after I broke it.
Sooo..here I am. A year and 3 months off the street. 9 months clean. And a lifetime of opportunity ahead.
I've been in and out of recovery so many times I don't even get all technical trying to pick myself apart these days. I'm just here 1 day at a time and letting everything come as it may and dealing with it with nothing but gratitude and positivity for the future.
Not hurrying anything. Just remaining in the moment and letting myself heal not only my leg but inside as well.
I always rushed and felt like I was trying to reach a destination every time before.
But what I failed to realize was...recovery has no destination.
It's an everyday process where every moment counts. The only final destination is when I stop breathing..whenever that may be.
Until then...I'm on an endless unpredictable path in a life I was meant to have all along.
Sorry for rambling but that's what's Bern going on with me.
Hope everyone is doing well.
As always..as long as there's hope..There's a chance.
Been a lot of ups and downs since then. Mostly downs.
I really started to believe I was a lost cause and would die in active addiction.
I have come very close several times.
However..I'm still here. Sooo...gotta be some purpose to this journey of mine.
Well...1st. I have around 9 months clean. Not much but it is the longest clean time I've ever had in my 30 years of poisoning myself.
I think the last time I posted I had told you all that I tried shooting heroin . Something I always swore I'd never do.
Well. Just as I feared . It took me down to the absolute lowest of the lows and faster than anything I've ever tried previously.
Not sure if I've been here since my accident last year.
I was hit by a truck riding my bicycle coming from the dope man's house and broke my femur. I ended up ODing for the 1st time a week later. Also found out I had a really bad case of pneumonia. This all happened a few months after being hospitalized for a month due to MRSA and cellulitis in my hand where I had 3 surgeries and almost lost a finger and half my hand from shooting dirty.
After I broke my leg and ODED I got on a bus and came back to NY with my family. I stayed clean for 7 months. Completely miserable the entire time. So I thought it'd be a great idea to fly back to Florida for 2 weeks to get away from myself..lol
Ended up ODing again and baker acted for a week. I was in such bad shape when the cops came they ran my name and seen I had a misdemeanor warrant and instead took me to the hospital and told me I better get my ass back on that plane and go home when it was time. Cop said it was the least he could do after 10 years out there with me. He was glad to see if picked up weight and that I did in fact have a return ticket home. Locking me up on the warrant would have kept me stuck and in turn continued my self destruction. Who said all cops are bad? One of the reasons why I try to be respectful to them.
Anyway. I did come back. I did one last shot and smoked one last dime piece while waiting for my departure at the airport. Got home August 28th 2016 and haven't looked back since. Not once.
I just had another surgery on my leg 3 weeks ago because after 15 months my leg still hasn't healed.
But I believe with everything I love in my heart that me getting hit and breaking my leg was a blessing in disguise.
It was thee of lying way I was going to survive my addiction. I was out a fast track to prison or death. I know without a doubt I'd be dead or in prison by now. Something was done for me that I was no where near doing for myself.
And the only way that was going to happen was to totally take my means to do everything away.
Cant walk..can't get money to get drugs. So I couldn't have made it even if I wanted to. And believe me..I tried for a week before I did come home right after I broke it.
Sooo..here I am. A year and 3 months off the street. 9 months clean. And a lifetime of opportunity ahead.
I've been in and out of recovery so many times I don't even get all technical trying to pick myself apart these days. I'm just here 1 day at a time and letting everything come as it may and dealing with it with nothing but gratitude and positivity for the future.
Not hurrying anything. Just remaining in the moment and letting myself heal not only my leg but inside as well.
I always rushed and felt like I was trying to reach a destination every time before.
But what I failed to realize was...recovery has no destination.
It's an everyday process where every moment counts. The only final destination is when I stop breathing..whenever that may be.
Until then...I'm on an endless unpredictable path in a life I was meant to have all along.
Sorry for rambling but that's what's Bern going on with me.
Hope everyone is doing well.
As always..as long as there's hope..There's a chance.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
I sure do remember you - and I'm so glad to see you. I often think of you. I'm so sorry for the hell you've been through.
Congratulations on your 9 months - that's fabulous news. You sound so much more optimistic - makes me happy.
Congratulations on your 9 months - that's fabulous news. You sound so much more optimistic - makes me happy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Hey, sweetie, welcome home!
Sounds like it took a lot of stuff to get you here, but we all have to reach that "I'm DONE" point however it takes.
Congratulations on your clean time! I'm so very proud of you! There have been many times I was worried if I'd hear from you again.
I'm confused as to where you are living, but as long as it's a good place for you, I'm grateful.
I've been having a rough time, and seeing you here with clean time brings a smile to my heart.
Love, hugs and prayers!!
Sounds like it took a lot of stuff to get you here, but we all have to reach that "I'm DONE" point however it takes.
Congratulations on your clean time! I'm so very proud of you! There have been many times I was worried if I'd hear from you again.
I'm confused as to where you are living, but as long as it's a good place for you, I'm grateful.
I've been having a rough time, and seeing you here with clean time brings a smile to my heart.
Love, hugs and prayers!!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
So great to hear from you, T. I think of you often and very happy to hear you have 9 months clean. You are right...where there is hope there is a chance and I know you can do this. (((HUGS)))
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I'm glad to see some familiar faces.
I'm back in NY with my family. I miss my little hometown by the beach in Florida but I can't behave there so I guess it's the cold mountains for me.
I'll tell you. The whole drug scene in the street has changed completely. So many people are dying. I ran those streets close to 25 years just smoking cocaine. And nothing I ever seen in all those years even comes close to what this heroin has done.
It's sad and scary. We weren't dying before. Not from the drugs anyway. The worst that happened was running out or going to jail. That heroin is nothing to play with.
I see so many young people in a matter of a month looking so dead and wasting away. I just can't watch it in front of my face like that anymore. I know too many people who are gone.
I know it sounds cliche but there's just something very different about this time around.
I use to romanticize and day dream of using. Watch intervention just to see them using. A craving would hit and I'd let my imagination run away in drug use lala land.
Now...if even the littlest feeling starts to creep up. I stop it dead and push it away.
I had a whole lot of 1st this last run which lasted almost 6 years.
ALot of 1sts I needed to experience to be honest.
As yall know I've always had my grandmother to enable me.
Well that all stopped this time. And it's exactly what I needed.
Anyway. I hope you all are doing well. I'm so glad you guys are still here.
I'm back in NY with my family. I miss my little hometown by the beach in Florida but I can't behave there so I guess it's the cold mountains for me.
I'll tell you. The whole drug scene in the street has changed completely. So many people are dying. I ran those streets close to 25 years just smoking cocaine. And nothing I ever seen in all those years even comes close to what this heroin has done.
It's sad and scary. We weren't dying before. Not from the drugs anyway. The worst that happened was running out or going to jail. That heroin is nothing to play with.
I see so many young people in a matter of a month looking so dead and wasting away. I just can't watch it in front of my face like that anymore. I know too many people who are gone.
I know it sounds cliche but there's just something very different about this time around.
I use to romanticize and day dream of using. Watch intervention just to see them using. A craving would hit and I'd let my imagination run away in drug use lala land.
Now...if even the littlest feeling starts to creep up. I stop it dead and push it away.
I had a whole lot of 1st this last run which lasted almost 6 years.
ALot of 1sts I needed to experience to be honest.
As yall know I've always had my grandmother to enable me.
Well that all stopped this time. And it's exactly what I needed.
Anyway. I hope you all are doing well. I'm so glad you guys are still here.
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