Fight2theFINISH

Hello everyone. To start, I NEVER dreamed I'd be in this position but here it goes:

Today marks 17 days clean off of Percocet. My story relates to many I've read which is a prior back surgery and trying to still work to provide for my family when this awful drug which helps at first(we think) and it quickly turns into the devil changing and transforming our minds and body!

You see, I went about 10+ years after a big surgery without needing anything other than regular aspirin or ibuprofen which helped until late 2009, I had a trying pain that just wouldn't go away until seeing my family physician. This is where it started for me as I was prescribed Percocet 7.5mg to be taken (2) times a day needed to help alleviate my pain. At first, it worked great and the warm sensations kicked in where I saved the rest of the meds prescribed only to be taken on the weekends although I was very socially active, it just made it better. It was ONLY one prescription that DONE THIS FOLKS! 60 pills!!

The horror started! At/Or around late 2010, I began using daily which was only 2-3 pills a day as I was getting monthly prescriptions from my family doctor as I began lying about the pain that had long ago went away just to obtain a refill. At this time it never interfered with my job as I only took them in the afternoons after my work day was completed. From my readings along this very helpful forum, it tragically went south as I began losing friends, heavily distorted personality changes, attendance problems at work and becoming unsociable wanting to sleep until 12:00-1:00 on days that I'd call in sick or scheduled off work! After approximately 3 years, I was referred to a pain mgmt doctor who was pretty much in/out of the room in less than a minute so it was easy to obtain refills although for these past 2-3 years going to him I've found myself running out of my monthly prescription 10-15 days early in which I'd never nor have I ever bought these illegally. I'd just tough it out until it was my appointment time to get another refill.

I'm asking any/all for your help as I'd gone over 110 days clean about 1 year when I relapsed. I can't remember if I felt like any form of a new person in those 110 days but I'd like to think or remember it was some better maybe. Anyways, I'm now 17 days clean and I've been able to hold my job without missing any work during these withdrawals and even skipped my last appointment last week to get refills as my mind/body is done with these darn pills. I'm so over the hold it has on my life where I've in the past noticed my life revolving around my next fix and I know that's no good!

HELP!! The clearer picture for me is I want my life back!! This is my AA meetings of such to me and I'm reaching out most sincerely for help? Will I ever get my full bled energy back although I'm walking 3-4 miles daily, it's definitely a struggle! My mind/brain is very anxious and paranoid but mostly a cloud of depression that seemingly feels never ending! I will not take no more meds even anti-depressants as I know people that is hooked on them so I don't want to trade in one for the other! Someone with a prior history, I'd love to hear your feedback please!

Best of luck everyone fighting this epidemic!

finaltime

0h man I can relate to the T. 100%.. good work on skipping your monthly appt to get the refill. Stay close to here, if you can, surrender and get to an NA meeting. call that dr first hand and say you are an addict. I have had friends call my pain management, I have called, all to be handed a script when I come in. It has to come down to us. You are fighting the hard fight.

I find getting honest with everyone around me, the dr's, getting a sponsor, a meeting a day for 90 days, just having to focus on something else will get me clean and sober and to a strong spiritual path. Does this stick/ no, not unless I stick with it, but its all one day at a time. If you are anything like me and you hate being shackled to the drug, where it takes all your time, money, and soul you are willing to do what it takes.

These pills have sucked my soul out more times than I can count. I moved to China TWICE to get clean and get my crap together. Yep. Talk about a geographic.

I find doing 5 things a day for my recovery works, praying, if I can a meeting a day, getting a sponsor, the steps are HUGE for clearing out the soul.. helping to free us from the guilt and resentments that hold us shackled. There is a reason why the programs of recovery, whatever they are, are there... just like SR. It works if you work it.

Honestly there is a way out. Read through my stories if you can. I have struggled to the T all today to be clean and sober but it hasn't been easy. And it hasn't been long.

You will get more and more the clear headed. The best part is you are exercising. That is awesome.

Post more. PM me if you need.

Dee74

No experience to share but welcome Fight2theFINISH

D

Refunded

Fight2theFinish.....so so proud of you! 17 days is huge. Even if and sometimes especially when you've had clean time before. Wow wow can I relate to so much. All too well can I relate to so many parts of your share. I think the timing of when the anxiety/paranoia/depression lightens up (or takes turns at least) depending on the person and how long they took pain meds - but if it helps as for me I took them for a decade and change and (after also stopping the cycle w/a pain management dr. ) and I feel like I have finally now started sleeping pretty normally, the anxiety is WAY less, the general malaise still is hanging around but not the deep sad overwhelming 'I'm such an asshat' depression. Hang in there!!! Trying to focus on what another post had mentioned and if I add up the days I used (over 4,000ish LOL) then me at 55 days should expect I gotta pay the piper for awhile. But so so much better than that hamster wheel of the refill cycle - running out 2 weeks early being depressed not talking to anyone, counting the days etc etc. Happy that I no longer have to feel uncomfortable with the CVS pharmacists & techs making small talk and all that BS. Be free.......it gets better for sure. Day 30ish seemed to be a signifigant milestone in turning the emotional corner. : )

finaltime

Oh I so agree with everything!!!!!!!! Counting the days.. I so know that feeling.

Fight2theFINISH

Thanks to EVERYONE WHO WROTE to my post!! That means a lot!! To Refunded and ALL, another day passed as I'm definitely counting at 18 days now. So many said things as it's like a cycle with these pills how they begin overtaking your life and all affiliations of your life and family. It's so sad how we let this happen to us individually but if none cared, we wouldn't be here for help. The "CVS" quote really rings true as I could be in the Drive-up window refilling my prescription thinking if I only had ears inside this glass. Anyways, REFUNDED, how long have you been clean? This is very motivational to me so I appreciate all responses coming as it makes me push that much harder if that's possible! Thanks again

Fight2theFINISH

[QUOTE=Dee74;6439051]No experience to share but welcome Fight2theFINISH

Thanks Dee. 18 days now & counting. These posts bring much extra motivation to me. We're all in this together and the support speaks measures about this awful epidemic of pills that we've allowed to come into our lives thinking each one of us were invincible. Thanks again

Fight2theFINISH

Thanks finaltime

Refunded

18 DAYS IS AWESOME!!! It truly is. Each day is so huge. They totally take over your life and before you even know that it happened. Back when we were first prescribed them it was a different story the doctors told us (me). That if I wanted a quality of life after the surgeries that this would be the path for any kind of quality of life. Now I've allowed myself to realize that people (like at the CVS) see you month after month and realize that you're just a junkie? Crazy how it all changed and although I did get through a lot of physical times easier for years, the last couple years all that has happened is running out two weeks early every month led me to overdrink and overeat to replace not having my "BFF", just working and paying the basic bills is and making pretty much what just ended up being appearances during holidays, etc....I wasn't REALLY TRULY invested

the pills were the thing that kept me from feelings so I wouldn't bother other people. (that's what I told myself after awhile).But my personality changed so much it appears, that most of my many friends are at an arms distance now. And I'm not sharing what I'm going through with any of them. Thanks for being here - thanks for sharing what you are going through!!! It's given me much support and relief to read your shares. : ) Today is day 55 for me. Fricking miracle.

finaltime

you both are awesome. If you are ever bored read through my threads, I am 100% an opiate addict and have been on the merry go round that has dragged me through the dirt numerous times with pills. It NEVER gets better. EVER. The pills make you feel worse, make you not present, make you want more, they are the devil.

coming off them is awful but staying off them is the key. I can't do it without support. I enjoy NA the most, but right now I am on an online AA meeting out of Korea. crazy I know!!!

I love reading through your posts. Have a plan for when it gets really really hard.. the cravings will come but they will pass. I learned that if I picked up the phone and said I want to use it helped the craving pass. I feel that the addiction is so deep in my bones I have to be ready to anything and everything. Like they say in the meetings, the disease is doing push ups outside the door waiting.

Keep writing. we are here for you.

teatreeoil007

You are still in very early recovery stage right now and you are going to feel a bit like "womp"; the wind got knocked out of you at times. A void. An emptiness that you may be tempted to seek to fill. Don't fill it back up with more drugs.

Part of the reason you will feel that emptiness is that substances once took up a fair amount of your "head-space". Take away that substance and you are also taking away a lot of time/effort in what ALL you did to seek that next high; obtain that next hit of whatever. That is how addiction comes in and "occupies" a person's life. It literally takes over like a noxious weed and noxious weeds are VERY VERY hard to get rid of. But it can be done.

Opiates also give a bit of a sedative effect, so if you take that away, you feel anxious. Restless. All to be expected.

Weeds need to be pulled out by their roots and not allowed to spread their seeds and multiply. Takes daily tending to keep the weeds out of a garden. This is also true in your new clean walk of life.

You've got to give it your ALL. You've got to check yourself everyday and tend to what needs tending.

Journaling/writing is great. Keep walking, even if it's a struggle. You WILL get stronger. But, get enough rest too. Balance, my friend, balance.

You can do this!!

Fight2theFINISH

Hello ALL!! I'm gathering my thoughts here as yet another solid drug free day is passing! I CAN AND WILL DO THIS! These posts are such an inspiration and I solemnly ask that we keep them going for just more than me here please!
I'm not proud of where I am, mostly disappointed because I've encountered many great things in life which my family and friends are most important although it SO bothers me as I'm mostly a closet pill taker! I've NEVER shot up nor snorted anything which makes me NONE better but there is and has to be willful power involved on why and how we get through this all together! I'm doing it one day at a time and diligently trying to not think too far ahead! To REFUNDED, it brings promise to us both by never discounting or dismissing the number of clean days now but the strong hold for me is remembering that person I once was. I think of it like riding a bicycle as crazy as it sounds? We are/were at one point all young with our brains and minds maturing into the people we'd become and right now miss so badly! Well, I've done a lot of reading lately about this and I feel it's a VERY realistic goal to know that the people we were before drugs came into our life, WE WILL BE AGAIN BUT I FEEL MUCH STRONGER PEOPLE THAN BEFORE! We will not only be stronger but we won't never ever turn away from that person with this problem thinking we're perhaps better, invincible or thinking we don't have the time! We're all in this together and I'm not only studying how to make it through this, I'm living it as I write with a clear mindset that I'll never live in that foggy way of life ever again! We should ask ourselves why we would ever want that again! Thanks so so much to ALL! I'm getting stronger by the day! Please keep the replies coming!!

Refunded

[QUOTE=Fight2theFINISH;6441710] I'm doing it one day at a time and diligently trying to not think too far ahead!

Exactly!!! One day at a time - for me sometimes it's one hour at a time - some days easier and some days a little more challenging. How are you doing today F2tF!!????

Refunded

Weeds need to be pulled out by their roots and not allowed to spread their seeds and multiply. Takes daily tending to keep the weeds out of a garden. This is also true in your new clean walk of life.


Oh my gosh Tea I LOVE THIS. This is super helpful - thank you!!!!!

Refunded

FinalTime - I am super eager to read your through your threads. Having people to relate too is so awesome. I've been super curious about online meetings - hope everyone is having a great day : )

teatreeoil007

The weed/garden analogy can be applied to so many things. It's much easier to keep the weeds out on a frequent basis than to let them all get growing and then try to get rid of them in one setting....THAT task can feel so overwhelming one doesn't even wish to attempt it.

The same holds true in keeping your house clean and limiting the build up of clutter. It's really SO much easier to pick things up and put them away as you go about living through your day than to just leave stuff lay and let it all pile up and then feel like it's an overwhelming task to clean up. And if everyone who lives in the house would just pick up after themselves, things would stay much more neat and tidy. But keeping things picked up takes a steady diligence and having good habits....which is not something you just do every once in a while, but on a continual basis.

Refunded

So true. I have to trick myself in order to be motivated to keep things cleaned up, put away, etc. I still use negotiating techniques with myself but for cleaning - like okay, I can watch this TV show but I have to get up at every commercial and do the dishes, etc. While raising my daughter, all I ever would think is - just get to the finish line and you'll have all the time in the world to keep things clean and have everything orderly so the house runs in an organized manner. I swear, the grass is never greener with me - now I've been an empty nester for a good 7-8 years now and I chose to just hold onto my pain med addiction and drink to get through the transition and the loneliness. Now it's TOO quiet. WTF!!??!!! Today i'm 58 days clean off the opiods and 3 days sober off booze. Hoping to motivate myself like the Nike commercial this weekend and give the house a good cleaning by telling myself 'Just Do It' !!!!!

teatreeoil007

Hah! I tend to negotiate with myself too to get stuff done and keep up on things. Some days I do well with it all; other days I feel stalled and like it's pulling teeth just to do the bare minimum. I too thought I wouldn't struggle as much with it when empty nest set in. It was more quiet, true and there less people to clean around, true, but did I manage my time any better? Nope. Yesterday I got quite a bit done, but today I feel stalled for some reason. Ugh!

teatreeoil007

So I remember this funny little childrens book I read in 3rd grade and got up and did a book report in front of the class on. It goes something like this:

There was this man who lived alone and he didn't like to do the dishes. So, he just let them pile up day after day until he didn't have anymore clean dishes to eat off of. He didn't know what to do. He felt like he couldn't possibly wash all those dishes! It was just too many.

Then, the next day, it started raining. So, he got an idea and saw his opportunity! He loaded all the dishes up in the back of his pick up and let the rain wash his dishes for him.

Silly, I know, But, can you imagine?

Refunded

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! That's pure genius!! LOL. I know I feel better when things are clean - but that's something that I also try to 'manage'.........perfectionism. And my other 'ism's' keep me from just cleaning every day because I don't care just about myself. Hopefully in time I'll get there again. It's more motivating personally to clean for others than just for myself!!! Good job Tea on all that you did yesterday!!!!!