The Hydro Thread
 

Hi guys.....
So, here is a quick overview of my story for those that don't know me. I am a hydro and benzo addict. Vicodin and Xanax. I have been addicted for 8 years. I have tried every possible way I could think of to get off the pills, but nothing has really worked. I can quit for a short time, but then something will happen. Or nothing will happen, and I will be off and using again. I can't live like this anymore.
I found SR about a year ago, and cycled in and out of here a few times, trying to quit. But, this last time I came back, which was in Sept. of last year, I never left. Things are different this time, and I want to quit badly. To that end, I have cut off all my suppliers, and even my doctor. So, this really is the last go round in wd hell. It has to be, because I don't think I have another go in me.
I am so hoping you will all help me through this. I can't do it alone. I just can't And, if I don't quit now, heroin is the next step for me. It's cheap and it's everywhere here. And I know t would make me feel so much better. But, to what end?? I am at a sort of crossroads, and I want to do the right thing. So, here I am.
I hope that anyone that's using pain pills or benzos will feel free to post here. I f you aren't ready to start your own thread, come here and post. This thread is for ANYONE who needs help. I will talk to you, I promise. We can all do this, and become the sober, happy people we were meant to be. We just need to stick together. I think it makes us stronger if we are together.
Anyways, I am making 2017 the year I get clean for good. That is my promise to myself.

So, I am just going to pick up right where I left off on the "Coming off...drum roll" thread.....

My face looks awesome today!! The swelling is almost totally gone, and I didn't wake up in any pain. The bruise still looks kind of yuck, but I can see a little green in there. I am pretty sure that's a good sign!! I can almost open my mouth all the way, and last night, I was able to eat something that wasn't broth!! Oh man, it was awesome. So, things are a lot better in that department.
I have 1 pill left. Probably should just throw it away. I mean, it's only one. What's the point?? Guess it's a mental thing. I don't know.
I am still iced in for the most part. Can you believe it?? And, now they're saying we are going to have freezing rain tonight. Awesome. Oh well. It's not like I have anywhere to go right now. The wds are slowly creeping up on me, and I can feel them coming, getting worse. It is what it is.
Going to curl up with the dog. maybe try to eat something before my appetite goes completely.

Final....I am thinking about you, girl. Check in, k?? I hope you are doing ok.
Hope everyone is having a stellar day.
Love and hugs to you all.

Alright! First post on your new thread! I belong on the HYDRO thread. I wasn't too picky about my opiates though OR anything else that might get me high. Hydro was definitely what I took the most of in my pill popping days. Rough when a script for 180 norcos would be gone in 5 days.

Anyway just wanted to pop in and say hey. Keep posting. We can all help each other and get through it together. Withdrawals are no fun, but part of the process and the worst of it doesn't last that long. Before you know it you will be on the other side of it. Lets do this :-) !!!

Hey All. Just wanted to pop in too and welcome ya'll to "Hydro-Hell" or the "Hydro Thread". Sugar, the next stop after hydro hell is to stop all opiates. You don't want to go to heroin hell, hon. Don't go there. It's no good. I needed to find a better, more sustaining high. Words, music, physical fitness. Those are my drugs right now. I'm a music junkie. Maybe that's why I have dreams of debuting a song to Dwight Whitley on an Appalachian Mountaintop ... urging me on to "keep the Faith" both spiritual and musical as the two seem closely intertwined...I've tried separating them out and that just didn't happen. Music and Faith go hand in hand. I have a very vivid dream life. The night before last was another long protracted dream in which I reunited with some old co-workers....say, WHAT?!? Then last night I reunited with a guy I made music with as a teen who I was very impressed with. Word got back to us (me and my sis) that he was impressed with us too. Also impressed that we knew what Bluegrass even was in that day and time. I don't know, maybe he thought it dying out or something and that people in the western mountains forgot about the ancient music of the Eastern Mountains. Well, glad to say, Dwight that bluegrass is going strong and seems to have just become more popular than ever. What am I saying? Hell if I know, other than keep your dreams alive.

"Git down the fiddle, rosen up the bow, we're gonna play some music and I hope it ain't slow"...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yljf4Lpj7CI

Hey...
Thanks for the posts!! They made me smile, and I so need that. You guys are awesome.
So, its like 4 am here and I can't sleep. Wds coming on hard. My stmach is sour as hell, and I am having some pain still in one spot in my mouth. Ugh!!
I want to have as positive of an attitude as I can going thru this, but its hard when your insides are all twisted up and mentally I know I can't ever have another pill again. Ever. That sucks. Oh boy, I am starting to feel bad. This is the part I hate. When the party's over. It hurts.
Ok. Going to take some ibuprofen and watch some tv. Maybe I can drift off for a bit. Guess day 1 in hydro wds has begun. Oh joy.
Sorry post is a little messy. Am on tab, and you all know how that goes!!
Love you guys.

BTW....Still have that 1 pill and still cant seem to get rid of it. So stupid. Why am i hanging on to it?? Its not like it's going to make any difference if I take it, yet I can't seem to throw it away. So weird.

hey I am here and love the new thread!!! I am at work, teaching away about the Great Depression. Fun fun. check in tonight and stay strong!!! flush the pill!

Sugar - it is good to see that you are following through and quitting. When I was in withdrawal and took any amount of an opiate it sent me right back to square one. It seems like you are torturing yourself mentally by keeping that last pill around. Maybe it is time to get rid of it and go all-in with the process?

Ok, so looks like the 1 pill I had had babies. Meaning, I went across the street to my source and got a couple. I justified it to myself by saying that I am in pain still and need them. Well, yes, I am in pain, but probably not anything ibuprofen alone couldn't handle. I am really pissed at myself. So upset, in fact, that I wrote out a whole post where I lied and said I found the pills. But, I couldn't send it. I can't and don't want to lie to you guys, so I erased the post, and am going with the ugly truth. The stomach cramps hit, and I caved. I am so embarrassed. I am sorry, you guys. Today was a total fail. And, even though I told my source not to give me any, even if I begged, she still did. Not saying its her fault at all. Just saying that now I know I am going to have to find a way to avoid her like the plague for a while.
Marcus....I have to tell you what you said about 180 pills in 5 days sounds just like me. The last 5 years, my doc has been giving me 240 pills a month, and I would blow through them in less than 2 weeks, and have to go to the street for more. When I think about that number, man, I can't believe I was still telling myself that I wasn't an addict. What a bunch of bs. It's amazing the lies I tell myself.
Final....You sound chipper as usual. So, you are working on the great depression, huh?? Funny, me too. lol Hope you are having an awesome day!!
Thanks OP, for being here. I saw the latest post on your thread, and you are doing so good!! I am proud of you, my friend. You give me hope that I can do it, too. All of you do.

Well, I guess tomorrow is absolutely it. I can't get anymore from my source across the street, and everywhere else I cut off, so this really is it. I want to be excited to get clean, start a new life, but all I feel right now is apathy about it. I am numb. I sincerely hate wds, but I can't find any way around it.
I'm writing all of this so that I can remember later the stupid things I do and think when I am taking pills, or when I am jonesing for them. And, I hope that someday it may help someone else coming here to see that they are SO not alone, and that this is a real struggle.
Day 1 tomorrow. Again. Man, if I had a dollar for every day 1 I've gone through.....
Love you guys.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention when I was up early this morning, I tried to watch some of the trashy reality shows I like to watch, but it wasn't any fun. All I could think of was all the drinking and partying they were doing, and how good it looked. It never really bothered me before. I think if I'm not taking pills, I am going to have to be very careful I don't start drinking again. Jeez, if it's not one thing, it's another. Why can't I just be normal??

And, btw, those skinny little housewives can sure drink a lot!!

Hey. love your comment about the great depression. So who is this person across the street who has pills? And do you have to buy them? I can tell you that no matter what I tell my drug dealer if I call him and he has them he is selling them. He doesn't give a rats butt.

So out of pills. I don't have any either. I am really not that chipper but as a school teacher you can easily lose yourself with the kids. This is my 16 th year teaching and I love my job. I did go home on my break and watched half a show of the affair. I swear that show is my new addiction. I should get my butt off the couch and lose some of this weight I have gained. I used to be a crossfit freak now I am flabby but whatever. put down the pills and booze and pick up the fork and spoon.

I ordered sunbasket (meal delivery service) and got my first box today. I orderd the paleo version. So excited. Not sure my kid will like the meals but we will see.

Girl you might have to come up with another plan. I mean call sober living homes, rehabs, something to get you out of the house. You know the pain of detox passes. It will.

love you

Hi, I quit heroin 20 years ago, tough as he'll but I was stronger back then, various on and off addictions over the years. Now it's opiate pain pills, and I just can't get through the withdrawals!

I'm doing 90-100 pills a day, withdrawls are severe depression and lots of pain and aches, including the pain I took them for in the first place. Despite this I'm still making progress in life but this secret addiction is a serious monkey on my back I need to get rid of.
Gonna try from Friday gonna taper for a few days and go cold turkey after that. Not sure what else to do, doctors/ groups etc are out of the question.

Hi IWalkTheLine.....
I am glad you are here and found this thread, i understand exactly how you feel, and things will be ok.
Do you have aregular doc you see?? You don't have to tell him you have a problem, but just getting a check up could be a good idea. Also, can you think of just 1 person you could open up to?? It could really help you feel better, maybe less alone??
In any event, you are here, and I will be right with you. I am quitting tomorrow. No more excuses for me. I am doing it, cold turkey pain, depression and all. I am done making excuses.
Anyway, my point is, I will be here for you if you want to talk. Please feel free to use this thread to post anytime, anything you'd like. This is a safe place to help each other get and stay clean off pills. You are more than welcome here!!
Let me know how you are if you feel up to it.
We are here for you, my friend.

Sugar / IWalkTheLine - good luck with the detox. You guys are in my prayers. Don't give up no matter what.

Thanx OP, for the words of encouragement. Means a lot. Am in wds and feel really, really bad. Nose running down to my chin, bathroom issues bad. Horrible headache. Stomach cramps. Super depressed. Wanted to write some of this down so I never forget how this feels. It hurts. It sucks. It feels like punishment.
Guess that's it. Had more to say, but can't remember what it was. Oh well.

Love you guys.

Sugar - it would help me to keep telling myself that I never had to feel that way again. Once I accepted the fact that I was going to have to go through the pain it made it easier to bear. You have done this before and will get through it again. Have you tried getting in a hot bath? That was one of the few things that made it tolerable for me.

Keep on going. You don't have anything to turn back to. It will only be worse the next time if you do turn back.

No truer words were ever spoken, OP. You are right. About everything you said. I am ready for this, as best as I can be. It feels like everyone in my f to f life just doesn't get what wds are like. how much they hurt. but, this is the last time. You are right. there is nothing to go back to. I am done. I know I've said that before, but this time it's for real. One more time through this suck fest. I can't do this again. I just can't. It gets harder and more painful each time. But, I can't do this alone. Please, please stay with me guys. Just one more time through. I need all of you. I feel so sick and so alone. I just want to cry.
I called the # you gave me, OP, and I found an NA meeting not too far from me. I even got my mom to agree to take me and drop me off the first couple of times. After that, I don't know. But, it's a noon meeting, and that's good. Walking in this neighborhood at night is not a very good idea. I also called the local NA # and left a message for someone to call me back. I hope they will.
Maybe people think I am just messing around, and don't really want to get sober, but I do. I really, really do. I was throwing up, and stuff, and I still made the phone calls and did the best I could today to find some help. I need help. I give up. I surrender. I am done. I even made a "Quit Book". A book where I can write all of this down. I am trying really hard this time. harder than I ever have before. I want my life back.
Please stick with me, guys. Please. I feel so alone.
Ok, I have to go toss my cookies again, but I will check in later. I'm giving myself until Monday to get through the worst of the wds, and then I am going to my first ever NA meeting. I hope I like it, and I hope they like me. But mainly, I hope it will help me.
Gotta go.
Love you guys. Truly.

Sugar - how are you doing?

yes check in. remember the detox will pass. Does it suck ass? Yep. but it will pass.

Hey guys....
I'm here. I think. Feelnawful. The cravings are killingme right now. Also pissed as a cat in water. Found out, now that swelling is down, why that one spot in my mouth still hurts like a mofo. Its because the damn tooth is still in there. The really bad one. They didnt take it out. Just the bfoken part, i guess. Wtf?? Now i have to go back Tues to get it looked at. Why didnt they tell me?? No wonder it still hurts. Man, i am mad. So now i have to do another surgery?? And all the wds im going thfough now will be for nothing?? I dont really expect an answer. The questions are rhetorical. Just venting.
And this right here is why i use. Because i dont know what to do with my anger. And fear.
And my mom is pissed at me about it because as shesays, if its not one thing with me, its another. Well great. Thanks mom. Now i feel like dirty gum on the bottom of her shoe. She just doesnt see i am in a terrible poace right now in life. I have zero money, zero pills, mad wds, my tooth STILL hurts, and i have to beni hana all my food. Life sucks so bad right now, and i cant get a kind word from anyone inmy f to f life. Im tired, sick and pissed, and I cant even afford a ******* cigarette.
Ok. Thanks for letting me be Pissy Spacek for a hot sec. Feels better, somehow, getting all that out. Not sure why, but i will take it.
Guess thats it for now. Hope everyone is having a stellar day.
Love you guys.