sugarangel

Hey.....

Wow, awesome posts, guys. Thank you for checking on me. Er, trying to. I am happy to say I am, at least, still alive. I am so sorry I disappeared the way I did, without saying anything. I didn't mean to do that. Honestly. I didn't even realize I was gone as long as I was until I saw the date on my last post. I have absolutely no idea in hell where all that time went.
You know, I always think that people don't like me and that they won't care, or even notice that I'm gone. I feel invisible most of the time in my f to f life. But you guys care and I am continually, pleasantly surprised by that. I missed you and I missed SR. I really, really hope I still have a friend or two here.

So, it has been quite the **** show here since I last posted. Simply put, I became so disgusted and overwhelmed with life that I just decided to check out of it for a while. Take a vacation from everything. I went nowhere and I saw no one except my mom and my therapist. I didn't get on the internet or answer my phone. I basically gave up on everything, including myself. I felt so tired and sad and hopeless. In fact, I spent most of the time crying. Well, weeping actually. Like full on ugly crying. It was awful. I have never cried like that. Like years and years of built up stuff just all coming out at once. My eyes even swelled shut. I felt broken somehow and like I just didn't have the strength to even get out of bed. It was scary.
So, here's some of what happened.....
First, Kay, who was my sponsor, sent me an email telling me that "When I was ready for recovery, I should give her a call." Wtf. I was sober, and I did everything she asked of me. Everything. I emailed her my gratitude list every night without fail. I worked through step one, read everything and answered all the questions and was solidly into step 2. I wrote all the mini essays she asked me to, The only thing wrong was that I wasn't going to meetings. That is a huge thing, I know. She wanted me to do 90 in 90, but I couldn't do it. I had told her from the beginning that I would never be able to do 90 in 90 because all the NA meetings were too far away and not on bus routes. I am blind. How did she expect me to get to a meeting every day?? It would have taken hours to get there and back. And the bus costs money. Money I didn't have. She knew my mom was paying for pretty much everything. Things financially were incredibly bad, and the whole situation was giving me mad anxiety. My mom wanted to control every single penny and she went overboard like usual. She was so all over me about everything that I couldn't breathe. Kay tried to involve herself in my finances too, and tell me what to do and where to spend my money. Between the two of them, they kinda broke my spirit a little.
I also had told Kay that I wasn't going to go to any meetings at all until my teeth were fixed. I look horrible and I am extremely embarrassed by the way I look right now. My dentist went on vacay for a month so I haven't been able to get things finished. I can't go to meetings like this. I can't go anywhere like this. I am too ashamed. Kay called me vain, but isn't there a difference between vanity and being ashamed of the way you look?? I dunno, but Kay made me feel like I was being petty.
More coming.....

sugarangel

I wanted to start a new post cuz I was on the last one for so long I was afraid I was going to time out. So anyways....
There are other reasons why I won't be going back to NA anytime soon. Money was stolen from me by someone there. Someone introduced me to Kratom. I was offered pain pills, suboxone, and alcohol. It was not a safe environment to get clean in. So disappointing.

Then, my bathroom broke. Water came up out of the toilet and the bathtub and flooded everything. There was inches and inches of water I had to clean up. Man, it was a freakin disaster area in there. I couldn't take a shower or use the toilet for 4 days. And it's still not fixed. Pipes need to be replaced and that costs money. Things are working at the moment, albeit tenuously, but it's better than nothing. And I should be able to get it fixed this coming week. Or the next. But definitely soon. Can't live without a damn bathroom.
My mom and I still aren't getting along. She told me a few weeks ago that I didn't matter. Not to anyone. Gee, thanks mom. After that, I just stopped talking to her for the most part. We only talk now when we have to. My bro went back to Mexico, and my mom is closet drinking again and lying to me about it. It's all just one big ******* disaster.

So, these things and some other stuff I didn't mention just kinda took everything out of me. I went to bed one night, and just never really got back up. And, I started using again. Not much, pain pill wise, but I took a crapload of Xanax. I lost some time there cuz I went really crazy with the xannies and I had been off them for a while and went straight back to my highest dose and then some. I didn't care if I died or not at the time. I just wanted to be gone from reality. So everything is pretty hazy from that time.
But, I am happy to report that I somehow managed to stop the rapid decline I was working on and get sober again. I am currently over two weeks clean off all pills. And I still haven't smoked. I have two and a half months smoke free. Cool beans.
Well, I guess that's it for now. I feel like I may be slowly starting to come out of whatever this is that I've been going through. I hope so. I can't live like this. Isolated, depressed, sad, lonely, angry. Overwhelmed completely. I am so tired. This has been, hands down, the worst, most painful thing I have ever been through. A firsthand tutorial in slow torture. And I just want to be okay. Feel normal. Stop crying. Get out of bed. Live.
I hope everyone is doing well and you are all having a wonderful summer. It is hot as Hades here. 106 degree days. 70 degree nights. Ugh. Too hot for me. It's supposed to cool down tomorrow and rain. God, I hope so.
Sorry this was so long. I guess I had a lot to say. Thank you for 'listening'.
Love you guys.

sugarangel

Wow, thanks Josh. I can relate so much to everything you said. Seriously. Like the thing about the mailbox. Or saying you can't handle this or that sober. Oh boy, that is exactly like me, and it is really nice to know I am not alone. Everything you said just really struck a cord with me. So thank you, and you are right, we do have the same triggers. I really needed to read this.
Awesome post.

teatreeoil007

Sugar, I'm so glad you're back, girl! We've all missed you. It just ain't the same without you. Just try to believe we love ya and care about ya and never forget ya, no matter what? Assuming people won't like you? Why the heck wouldn't they like you? huh? You're likable. That's the enemy of your soul trying to tell you falsehoods and get you to believe them. Don't listen. Put your fingers in your ears and shake your head from side to side and say lalalalalalalalalalala when the enemy starts in on negative self talk.

Who says you don't matter? Your crazy mother, that's who and she's about the only one.....but from what you've told us about her, she doesn't have her thinking half way straight, so try to tune her out too....and anyone who tries to dictate your life. Your life, your choices, your money to spend how you see fit. Don't let anyone dictate to you.

Repeat after me: "No one tells Sugar what to do!!"

Kay is not the only sponsor in the world. There are other sponsors out there that might be a better fit. No matter what, don't give up. Don't give up. We've all been through a lot have had to deal with nasty people.

Dee74

Welcome back sugarangel

D

sugarangel

I loved this post, Tea. Thank you so much. It made me happy. I needed the kind words. You are awesome. But you know that I know that you know that I know that you are!! lol
And I have no intention of giving up. I am going to fight for my sobriety every day until I take my last breath. Now that I really get it that it's every day for the rest of my life, I have been able to come to some sort of acceptance, and through that, some form of peace. Marcus and you were right when you both said that it's attitude that will take you farther than anything else. I guess I just couldn't handle that until now.
Everything is changing in my life and it's a really scary, uncertain, and anxious time in my life and I am just doing my level best to get through it.
I was sober yesterday. And I'm sober today. And I fully intend to be sober tomorrow. And I am finally, right at this moment, pretty okay with that.

Repeat after you; "No one puts Sugar in a corner!!"

lol

Love ya girl!!

sugarangel

Thank you, Dee!!

I missed SR and everybody here. More than I thought I would. Sometimes you just don't know what you have until you don't have it. I think I am probably mostly only sober right now because of SR and the people here. You guys are all awesome, and I am grateful I get to be here.
You've helped me a lot, Dee, and I so appreciate everything.

sugarangel

So, I wanted to talk about something really quick......

A friend here pointed out to me in a PM that I probably confused some people with my "blind" comment, and that maybe I should explain so there's no misunderstanding.

So....

I was born legally blind. The nerves in the back of my eyes didn't grow together properly. They used to wander around pretty badly when I was a kid. And my head would shake back and forth, too. Man, did I get bullied in school. But, that's another story.
Well, the head shaking and a lot of the eye wandering and crossing went away when I hit high school. But, I still can't see. My left eye is useless, and I can only see maybe a foot in front of me with my right eye. IF it's a good sight day and there's lots of light. So, technically I can see. Just not much. And, I have to be right on top of it to see it. But, since I've had it my whole life, and everyone just refers to me as blind, I guess I just picked up the vernacular without thinking. Sorry for any confusion I might have caused anyone. I'm just so used to the way I am that I forget to explain it to others. My mom raised me without limits, and to forget I wasn't like everyone else. I will say this for my mom, She never said I couldn't do something. And she never treated me like I was 'special' or different. So, I didn't know I was weird until I started school and the other kids let me know.
So, while the doctors were busy telling my mom I wouldn't be smart, be able to ride a bike, roller skate, drive a car, color inside the lines, I was busy making straight A's, riding my bike around the neighborhood, roller skating at the amusement park, and taking art classes. If they said I couldn't do something, man, I went on a mission to prove them wrong. Except the driving thing. The only driving I will ever do is SuperMarioKart. Hella fun game, btw.
Anyways, I just wanted to clear that up, and share a little bit more about myself. I haven't talked about it before because, despite everything, I am still embarrassed and shy about my eyes. The bad things people have said about me, the teasing, is had to forget, and makes me not want to tell people about it. Once bitten and all that.

I hope everyone is having a peachy day!! I am going to curl up in front of the tv with a big bag of jalapeno cheesy poofs and chocolate cupcake ice cream. Oh man, you haven't lived until you've had cupcake ice cream. It's chocolate ice cream with chocolate cupcake pieces and ribbons of cream filling. Yummy!! I've got an "Alone" marathon going over here. I love that show. It reminds me of what it is we really need to survive. It's really good to watch when you're going through withdrawals. I swear, it really is!!

"Sugarangel.....Out!!" lol (Anyone watch Californication??)

Love you guys.

teatreeoil007

Okay.

Change.

Changes.

I don't know about anyone else, but the older I get the harder I adapt to change. I KNOW change is inevitable. I know that. It doesn't make it any easier, though, for me. I struggle with it.

CallMeJosh

Well..if you figure out a way to deal with things or 'figure things out' as a lot of people have told me to do...let me know. I'll take any tips or suggestions. I'm serious. If you told me to eat an onion while whistling happy birthday upside down..I'd do it.

I WANT TO BE CLEAN AND HAPPY. I just can't seem to get my mind right and ACCEPT the fact that it's going to take awhile. I'm impatient. I'm glad you understood my post.. I sincerely felt alone for a bit there. But, you, TeaTree, Marcus, and the rest of the SR family have really made me see that I'm not as crazy as I think I am.

Stay positive Sugar..we will get through this.

Empathic1

hi..totally feel for you on this one,as I am living the same nightmare as you and desperate to get out of this never ending black hole,but I'm struggling with the early days wd's and the thought of the depression /emotional state that aparently comes later really scares me because I'm already on antidepressants that arent workin or helpin so how am I goin to cogeif I get a double wammy depression goin on..its too scary for me to think about! I really admire you for takin this massive step and will defiantly be checking back here to see how your doin and wishing you all the strength and will power in the world to beat this..take care x

sugarangel

Hey guys....

Thank you so much for the posts. It helps me to know others understand and are going through similar things. I don't feel so alone in all of this. And, yes, we will get through this. Together.

So, my plumbing finally went out Tuesday and the plumbers couldn't come until 8 this morning. So, I have had to go to my neighbor's and the restaurant down the street to use their facilities. And never mind what I had to do in the middle of the night!! They also told me I couldn't use my water at all until things were fixed. So I have had no bathroom and no running water since Tuesday. And I can't even tell you guys how bad the bathroom was. There was brown, gross water and God knows what else that came up in my toilet and bathtub and flooded the whole bathroom. I shudder when I think about it. That was an unbelievable, smelly, disgusting mess to clean up. I'm really hoping they can get everything fixed today, cuz I'm hating this situation. I feel like I'm camping. But at home. SO stressful.
I honestly don't know how I'm staying sober right now. I truly want to give in and get wasted. But, I know it won't help, and, in fact, make everything worse. But, my brain won't stop. "Just one pill. Or two. And you'll be able to deal with everything so much better. You can worry about withdrawals and stuff after all this is finished. You NEED the pills to get through this." Oh man, shut up!!
It just seems like lately it's been one thing after another. My refrigerator broke and had to be replaced. My ongoing teeth issues and the dentist going on vacay and leaving my mouth a bad mess. My tablet broke, the mixer broke, the phone is going out, the music player broke, the plumbing all pretty much broke, etc., etc., etc......There are other things too. It's just been a huge cluster **** around here for a while. And I am angry and pissy and resentful about it. Why couldn't some, or all, of this happen when I was using?? Why did it all have to happen now?? When I am trying to get, and stay, clean and sober?? I feel drained trying to manage triple withdrawals and all the chaos in my life at the same time. I want to go back to bed again and hide under the covers for forever, but I can't. Life goes on with or without me and it doesn't matter if I feel I can handle it or not. The universe cares not at all. Things just are. And I can either get with the program or get left behind. But, I am tired and ready to give in and use. I just can't seem to actually do it. I've come so far, and I don't want to go through this again. I can't go through this again. And yet, I get stressed out to the max, and that's exactly what I do.
So, this is my trial by fire, I guess. Or water, in this case. I am a glass half empty kinda gal, but I am trying opposite thinking. See if it works. If I tell myself that all the drama is so I can learn firsthand how to deal with bad stuff when it happens instead of running away to the pharmacy, then my brain will get used to dealing with things sober. Like exercising a weak muscle over and over again until it can function on muscle memory even when you haven't used it for a while. I hope you guys get what I mean. I know what I mean, but I am having a hard time finding the words to explain it. I hope things didn't come out too confusing!!

Okay, I guess I'm done for now. The plumbers are out digging up the driveway right now, so I should go see how things are going. I hope everyone is doing okay and having a lovely and sober Friday!!

Love you guys.

godsdrummer209

hey sugar angel i relapsed for atleast 2 months first on kratom and then back to vicodin and heroin .... withdrawals are starting im feeling weak, alone , scared empty im only 24 hours in since i last used... please pray for me that i make it through these withdrawals

sugarangel

Ah, GD, I'm so sorry to hear that, and that you are feeling really bad. I so understand. It's going to be okay. You got through this before, and you can do it again. You WILL get through this. Just do whatever you can to get through today sober. Come and post here or start your own thread, but let me/us know how you are doing, okay?? I will help you through in any way I can. And, of course I will pray for you. And, don't beat yourself up, or put all your current troubles on a loop in your head. Think of this time withdrawing as a step by step process. Step 1.....Don't use today. Step2......Come here and post when you can. I know you feel awful, but it will help if you reach out, even when you don't want to. Maybe especially then. Step 3.....Forgive yourself. You can't change anything you did, but you now can change how you deal with it.
That's it. 3 little steps for right now. I did this last time I went through wds, and it helped. It made things feel less overwhelming, and so, then, even if I was laying in bed, sick as a dog, I still felt like I was accomplishing something. It also took the sting of fear and anxiety out of the wds a bit for me. Maybe it will help you, too.
At any rate, I am here for you. Stay strong.

godsdrummer209

i just went and used... i am extremely dissappointed but i swear im not going to use because i dont want to be a slave to this drug. i will follow those steps and post here. im sorry for relapsing i will come clean with my girlfriend when she gets here

sugarangel

It's okay, GD. No need to apologize. I so understand. Ifeel like the poster girl for relapse sometimes. But, I learned from each and every one, and so will you. Something good will come from this.
I hope the talk with your gf goes as well as it can. I am thinking about you, and I will check back later.
Hang in there. I know it feels all messed up and hopeless right now, but I swear it will get better. It's not as bad as your mind is telling you right now. You used for the last time today. Just tell yourself that and move forward. Usually the hardest things in life are the most worthwhile.
You're alive. You're not in jail. You have a chance to start over brand new right now. That's pretty cool, right??

laur24

Hey GD, do you have any kind of support?

godsdrummer209

21 hours update:
withdrawals are here, matter fact they were here 5 hours after i relapsed but said no more, i love my girlfriend and my family and hate to see them hurt because of my choices. Today i show these withdrawals who the boss really is. im almost done with day one and didnt get any sleep and just a lot of backache and jitters and restless but me and my girlfriend are going to the mall because the more i sit in bed or at home it makes me even more depressed and worse

sugarangel

I totally get what you mean about being restless and needing to get out, but the mall?? Dang, I get hives going there normal!! But, different strokes and all that. I'm just glad you are trying and that the talk with your gf went well. You are really lucky to have that kind of support in your life.
Hang in there and keep posting. Try to be easy on yourself. And try not to be scared. Once you are fully in it, the fear goes away. Mostly.
You can do this. It sucks, for sure, but it can be done.

So, I had a dream about pills last night. Can't remember much of the details, but I was on my way to get some and stuff kept preventing me from getting there. Then, I woke up with massive cravings. Oh man, they are terrible today. I can't concentrate on anything and I can't seem to let it go and get past it today.
I want to get high. Right now. It's making me sweaty and jittery, I want it so much, I can't even tell you.
I hope it goes away. I'm going to take my dog for a walk. See if that helps.
Love you guys.

godsdrummer209

Do you really want to go through withdrawals again? I'm going through them for u that we don't have to suffer anymore . Withdrawals are real and u know that please please please do anything but relapse you will immediately regret it and continue to use to numb the disappointment regretful feeling don't do it