Notices

The Hydro Thread

Old 04-28-2017, 02:08 AM
  # 301 (permalink)  
RIP Maria
 
Tiredofdrugs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Hi Sugarangel! So glad to see you've made it back!

Any day w/o using is a day to celebrate. Just keep adding those days together!

Here's something to read to help you get rid of those ants.

The very best way of eliminating ants is truly simple:
Use 1 empty water bottle (Cut it down to about 2" tall)
Take a small amount of powdered sugar, and mix it with an equal amount of baking soda. Next stir in a bit of water to make a paste.
Powdered sugar is essential. (You cannot use the larger grains of sugar for this.)
Place small amounts of the mixture against the walls or other areas where you would not normally walk but where you would normally see the ants. The ants will be attracted to the sugar, and will eat some of it, and collect more to take home to feed others, so all of them will get their share. The sugar and baking soda powders are similar in size, and once mixed together, the ants cannot separate the two items. As they eat the sugar, they will also ingest the baking soda, which they would otherwise never touch. This is the reason for using powdered sugar. Once the ants eat the baking soda it will react with the formic acid, in their stomachs, and cause gas. The bodies of ants are unlike humans, and they cannot eliminate gas, so it will build up inside them, and cause them to literally explode. DON'T LOSE THIS!

There is a reason you keep using? You need to figure out what that reason is and stop it! You had a lot of clean days under your feet before you decided to use again. What was that reason?

There's nothing glamourous about using or anything poetic either. The hard cold facts is what you need to write down in your descriptions. You aren't only writing down these answers for Kay? You're also writing down things for yourself to read later. I'm sure that's why Kay wants you to write them down. It's your chart in life she wants you to see.

Appliances breakdown! Ants enter our homes! As well as many other bugs, mice, rats, etc. They too are looking for a warm dry house to build in. Our homes also smell of food! If you hadn't been using and still had those 40+ days of clean time? You could have managed the problems with a much clearer way of thinking. At least I would have!

As a Recovering Addict myself? IK there are reasons and things that caused me to think of using to deal with them. Or at least that happened in my early recovery days. I don't anymore! I personally would hate to be messed up on the pills now. I can deal with problems in so much an easier way of thinking now that I'm almost 3 yrs clean. I too was exactly where you are many days ago. I fought my way on an hourly basis to survive my early days of not using to get to where I am now.

I made the decision to stay OFF the pills due to how they were ruining my life. No matter what it takes Sugarangel! You have to find that desire in yourself to stay off the drugs. I can't tell you what it's going to take, because as individuals we have to find that fight within ourselves.

Wishing you the best!

TOD
Tiredofdrugs is offline  
Old 05-01-2017, 02:26 PM
  # 302 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Santa Barbara, CA
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by sugarangel View Post
What Pills Did For Me And What Pills Took From Me.....

So, these were the things I thought about when asked to write this. I thought about getting all poetic and even downright Shakespearean in my descriptions of how pills made me feel and of what they took from me. But, in the end, none of it mattered. Matters. In the end, I could only come up with a one word response to both questions.
So, to the question of what pills did for me, the answer is everything.
And, in response to the question of what pills took from me, the answer is the same.
Everything."
Sugarangel..........Everything and everything. Couldn't have said it better myself. You write what I think but can't express. Thank you so much. Good job on the writing. I'm so glad you're open and honest about your journey. Honestly, I do not know if I had easier access how long I would make it. God has removed all people places or things that could hook me up - 54 days today but I haven't quite lost the phenomenon of craving yet. Still praying on that. Thanks again for sharing - you are so NOT a POS. Hang in there -
Refunded is offline  
Old 05-01-2017, 02:46 PM
  # 303 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
Sugar I tried sending you a PM, but your inbox is full. I am home today, wasn't feeling good yesterday or this am so called off. Of course the addict voice is going off today all about how I will be fired.

lord.

drinking hot lemon water and watching impractical jokers. Sober. Its crazy how the stinking thinking can get to us at the times when it should leave us be.

I appreciate everyone on this thread. I need a meeting. That always helps!!! But cheers to a day staying in taking care of me. Had such a good weekend, 2 weekends in a row of getting out with others. Last weekend bubble run and camping, this weekend talent show at work, dinner at my friends then took her to watch my friend sing in this chorus. It was amazing. Sat was pick up my kid then soccer then shopping with my mom and lunch with her. She has 18 months now and so nice to be around. SO NICE.

Then I cleaned and a friend picked us up, on the way to another friends house I started feeling the scratchy throat. BAM sick on sunday and today okay but today better. This am when the alarm went off I couldn't think of it...

life will go on. I could be where I have been before and boy was that bad. Sobbing in meetings, puking and pooping at the same time, at the chinese police station blacked out, broke, jobless, high, man left me, and lost soul...
today things are better but you see how i have to go through the list?????

They could always be better or worst. But for this moment right now I am okay.

Love you guys
finaltime is offline  
Old 05-03-2017, 06:06 AM
  # 304 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
Sugar check in with us. Or can you clean our you inbox so we can chat? I can call you as well later today, have a break from work at 10. You know we love you so much and will keep loving you until you can love yourself. No judgement here. We don't shoot the wounded. We LOVE YOU.

Check in with us!!!!!!!!!!
finaltime is offline  
Old 05-05-2017, 04:23 PM
  # 305 (permalink)  
Member
 
teatreeoil007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Sugar, where'd you go? We miss you.
teatreeoil007 is offline  
Old 05-06-2017, 01:13 PM
  # 306 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
sugarangel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,099
Hey guys....

I'm here. Thank you all for the posts and for checking up on me. You all are amazing, and I am so grateful for SR.

So, today is day 10. Again. I haven't had a pill of any kind, except ibuprofen. No xannies, nothing. I had a huge moment this last Sunday after I read this booklet my friend gave me that she got when she was in rehab. It's called "Shame - Faced", and from the first two paragraphs, I knew I had found a huge puzzle piece to my mental picture. It was one of those moments when you feel like someone is talking directly to you. I am going to post those paragraphs below, because maybe it will help someone else, too. It opened my eyes so much I can't even tell you. After that, I had a session with my new therapist, and more puzzle pieces fell into place. I hit as many meetings as I could, and more pieces came. It was like a domino effect. I can feel my HP working in my life, and it is amazing to me to watch how things are unfolding. I feel grateful and humbled by that.

My brother had a bbq Thursday, and he invited me to come. It was just him, me, my mom, and my bro's best friend. So, nothing major. Anyways, everyone was drinking but me. And, my mom didn't want me to know she was drinking, so she stayed in the house for the most part, downing shots on the fly. But, just like she can tell when I'm high, I can totally tell when she's been drinking. So, she ended up on the couch for most of the afternoon, and I helped my bro with the bbq. We got into 2 really long talks about my using, and he told me how proud he was of me, and how much better I looked, and how he wants me to keep going. I told him about how him and his daughter are two of the main reasons I quit, and that surprised him. Not sure why. But, my point is we were able to talk honestly for the first time in forever. Or maybe ever at all. it was really amazing.
I am having a hard time explaining this. But, I felt like I really saw my mom for who she was that day. She's been lying to me and my bro about some things, and since we haven't been talking much at all lately, neither one of us realized this until we talked last week. Like, for instance, my mom kept trying to pick fights with me at the bbq. To get me all riled up so I would explode n front of my bro and she could play the innocent victim. She does that whole "I don't know why Angel's mad. I didn't do anything. Angel's just crazy. You know how she is, don't you honey??" type of thing. And then I'm the bad guy who can't control her emotions, and I use because of it. And, then she can say "Well, that's typical of Angel. I knew she couldn't stay sober."
But, this time I didn't blow up. And I didn't use. You know why?? Because I finally realized that I can say I have no control over drugs all day long, but it wasn't until I realized that I have no control over ANYTHING that I finally got it. It's the weirdest thing ever. Once I let go of everything I felt free. I felt relief. I had to give up control totally in order to get it back. It's a really ass backwards, emotional oxymoron. But, it worked. I feel better in my sobriety now than I ever have. And, even though I still want to use every second of every day, I know it will be ok. I just know now.

Ok, I've rambled on long enough. I hope I wasn't too confusing today. My brain is still in xannie wds. I haven't been posting because I've felt too confused and stupid to write. Plus, I am emotionally all over the map. happy one minute, crying the next. But, that's okay. I am learning that it's all okay. Or, it will be. As long as I don't have that first pill.

One day at a time without a safety net. I can do this.
I'm posting those paragraphs from that booklet below. I genuinely hope it helps someone else as much as it did me. What is it they say all the time at meetings?? We can only keep what we have by giving it away?? Something like that.

Have a lovely day, peeps!!
Love you guys.
sugarangel is offline  
Old 05-06-2017, 01:43 PM
  # 307 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
sugarangel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,099
"Shame - Faced"

" Shame and addiction are Siamese twins. One rarely exists without the other. You cannot find an addict without shame - - - or a shameful person without an addiction. Shame and addiction are attached at the heart, sharing the same blood that keeps them alive. Where one leads, the other must follow. Both exist behind walls of denial, growing like cancer, sucking out life. And, both are destined to the same deadly spiral.
Shame's most important objective is to not be exposed. Most people who are 'shame - based' don't know it. They can't. It's slippery. Sometimes it comes on so slowly, you won't know when you started to feel this way. And, it is most often disguised as what it is not; irrational white rage, indifference, the overwhelming need to control, depression, confusion, flightiness, the obsession to use, numbness, panic, and the need to run. We will grasp whatever defense we can to survive slipping into the bottomless pit of shame.
Ironically, these very defenses saved us during our darkest moments. They may actually be the reasons we are alive today, and we can think of them as healthy reactions to very unhealthy circumstances. We can admire and respect ourselves for having them, before we lay them down and begin living a new life that no longer requires such reactions." - Stephanie E.

Man, it felt like I'd been exposed when I read this. It explains so much for me personally.
sugarangel is offline  
Old 05-06-2017, 01:52 PM
  # 308 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
sugarangel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,099
Originally Posted by finaltime View Post
Sugar check in with us. Or can you clean our you inbox so we can chat? I can call you as well later today, have a break from work at 10. You know we love you so much and will keep loving you until you can love yourself. No judgement here. We don't shoot the wounded. We LOVE YOU.

Check in with us!!!!!!!!!!
I dunno what's up with my inbox, final. It's empty, and has been. I only had one message in there. Not sure why you can't send me a pm. I emptied it again anyway, so try sending me one, see if it's working. Please. You, too, Tea!!
Love you guys.
sugarangel is offline  
Old 05-06-2017, 03:23 PM
  # 309 (permalink)  
RIP Maria
 
Tiredofdrugs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Originally Posted by sugarangel View Post
I dunno what's up with my inbox, final. It's empty, and has been. I only had one message in there. Not sure why you can't send me a pm. I emptied it again anyway, so try sending me one, see if it's working. Please. You, too, Tea!!
Love you guys.
You probably have a lot of stored PM's? Go to Private Message page. Look on the left side of the page. Scroll down to where it shows your PM's. Click on edit and go delete those PM's. That will clear out your PM box.

TOD
Tiredofdrugs is offline  
Old 05-06-2017, 05:23 PM
  # 310 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Santa Barbara, CA
Posts: 44
One rarely exists without the other. You cannot find an addict without shame - - - or a shameful person without an addiction. Shame and addiction are attached at the heart, sharing the same blood that keeps them alive. Where one leads, the other must follow.

This made me exhale. I'm so grateful to get to read how you're doing right now Sugarangel. I'm sorry to read that about your Mom, it is so weird when you start to see their flaws and allow yourself to not do the usual family dance. My Dad likes to do that gaslighting thing. Say comments that are guised with a chuckle but they're deep digs and then if I get upset or I decide to leave - then I'm the Ahole. Always. In my small family I am always the bad sheep. The older I get I see my Mom not so much as a perfect human but as a wounded woman. She comes from a generation that never apologizes, it's weak to cry, toughen up, etc. So all she can really do is blame others because she is never kind to herself on a genuine level. Off topic - sorry.... hearing the dialogue you and your brother had is awesome. Having any kind of honest, from the heart words with people we love and when they are supportive....can be so helpful to our sobriety.

Day 10. You got this.
Refunded is offline  
Old 05-06-2017, 05:30 PM
  # 311 (permalink)  
Member
 
teatreeoil007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Sugar you rock girl!!
teatreeoil007 is offline  
Old 05-08-2017, 08:43 PM
  # 312 (permalink)  
Member
 
teatreeoil007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by sugarangel View Post
"Shame - Faced"

" Shame and addiction are Siamese twins. One rarely exists without the other. You cannot find an addict without shame - - - or a shameful person without an addiction. Shame and addiction are attached at the heart, sharing the same blood that keeps them alive. Where one leads, the other must follow. Both exist behind walls of denial, growing like cancer, sucking out life. And, both are destined to the same deadly spiral.
Shame's most important objective is to not be exposed. Most people who are 'shame - based' don't know it. They can't. It's slippery. Sometimes it comes on so slowly, you won't know when you started to feel this way. And, it is most often disguised as what it is not; irrational white rage, indifference, the overwhelming need to control, depression, confusion, flightiness, the obsession to use, numbness, panic, and the need to run. We will grasp whatever defense we can to survive slipping into the bottomless pit of shame.
Ironically, these very defenses saved us during our darkest moments. They may actually be the reasons we are alive today, and we can think of them as healthy reactions to very unhealthy circumstances. We can admire and respect ourselves for having them, before we lay them down and begin living a new life that no longer requires such reactions." - Stephanie E.

Man, it felt like I'd been exposed when I read this. It explains so much for me personally.
Thx for sharing this SugarA. It is so true!

I have LONG felt that shame is such a major road block to many things, including getting the healing process going; to getting help; to reaching out; to being HONEST. For as long as one is so ashamed the tendency to want to hide the TRUTH, because the truth reveals too much that would cause a person to feel ashamed. But it is in getting in touch with the truth; first with yourself that we can start to take the steps we need to take to get the help we need to take the steps we cannot seem to start taking without some help from others. You know, I really don't know all that many people who would deny helping someone in need if they really saw it and if someone came to them asking for help. If they cannot help them, they will try to find someone else who CAN. It might be easy to become jaded because of previous bad experiences by certain people who like to kick you when you're down....but I believe in this world there are FAR more people who would like to give you a hand to help you up when you are down; rather than kick you or jab you.

I had an experience a couple of years ago by being helped by a few bystanders [total strangers] and it opened my eyes to the possibilities!! It was rather heart-warming. I still refer to them as my everyday heroes...or maybe not so everyday heroes. That same man did another amazing feat earlier this year that got him in the paper and on the evening news and when I saw that I was like; oh my gosh! That's the same one that helped me out that day. Simply amazing. There really are many good people in this world. It really is hard when someone in your family like that is one of the ones doing painful things to you, but maybe just remind yourself she just is not right in the head.
teatreeoil007 is offline  
Old 05-14-2017, 03:37 PM
  # 313 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
sugarangel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,099
Hey guys.....

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!!

Thanks for the awesome posts, peeps. My inbox seems to be working now, so thank you TOD. And, I loved your story, Tea. Everyday heroes. I like that. SR and all of you are mine. Make no mistake. You are all amazing!!
Refunded....I loved your post. I could so relate to what you said about being the black sheep. My therapist said that we all have our roles to play in the family dynamic, and that when we try to step out of our position, it throws all the other family members off balance, and they will act out accordingly. I am so not sure if I said that right. My therapist explained it better than me, but I hope you get the gist. Anyways, thank you for sharing. I totally get how you feel. You helped me not feel so alone.
So, anyways, quick update. I have a massive toothache and went to the dentist last Thursday. He gave me some bad news about my teeth, and I have been trying to process it ever since. Not ready to talk about it yet. Still going to as many meetings as I can, which hasn't been very many. My dentist gave me 6 5mg Norcos, so I am not using, but it sure opened up a door or something, in my head. I also went back on the Xanax for a few, until I can get through this whole dentist thing. I am going to have two oral surgeries, and I am just really upset about it. Life is just crappy sometimes, and it feels like I am always taking one step forward and like 10 steps back. I am tired, and I am starting to wonder if it's all worth it. Are you all truly happy being sober?? Is it really worth all the pain and sadness and depression?? And when does it finally start to get better??
The next couple months are going to be impossibly hard, and I want to run away from it. But I can't. I just want to crawl in bed today and cry. It seems right now like the only thing I can do.
I hope everyone is doing well. I am sorry I haven't been around much, but I am just so damn depressed. I don't like feeling my feelings. At all. I also hope this post wasn't too all over the place, but that's kinda how my thoughts are right now. I will keep moving forward, because I can't do anything else. But, I hate feeling like this every second of every day. I am losing hope, and can't lose that. it's pretty much all I have left.
I will write more soon. I need to be here more. I miss you all.
Love you guys.
sugarangel is offline  
Old 05-15-2017, 03:07 PM
  # 314 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
sugarangel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,099
Hey guys....
So, I am in a really dark place today, and I just wanted to reach out. It's dangerous for me to be in this kind of mood. I do stupid things to hurt myself. I can't find a way to get to a meeting today, and no one I call answers their dang phone. Maybe it's me, and I am just a loser who can't make friends. Or get her life together. or do anything normally like other people. It's devastating when you realize that you will never be, or ever have, the things you thought you would when you were a kid. Man, I wanted to be a writer, a dancer, a pastry chef. Instead, I am a junkie. That's it. Not special or anything. Just a waste.
I am so damn depressed and lonely and sad. I am one of those types of people who can be in a room full of people and still feel completely alone. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I thought that once I had some clean time, things would get better. magically fall into place or something. But the only things I have realized is that there is no white knight coming to save me. There is no way out. It's just one sucky day after another. And I am completely alone.
Anyway, I did something stupid and took 3 Xanax, 3 pain pills, and 6 tsp. of kratom. Maybe that will help fill the empty spot in my chest. But, probably not.
SR is the only place I feel like I can really be honest and talk about this stuff. Thank you guys for being here. I am sorry I am like this. I would seriously give anything to be different. Anything.
Love you guys.
sugarangel is offline  
Old 05-15-2017, 05:55 PM
  # 315 (permalink)  
Member
 
Marcus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Sorry to hear that Sugar. PM me if you want. It does take a little time to get your head on straight. You were doing good you just made some bad decisions. Early sobriety sucks at times, but if you look back at some of your posts (like when you hit 30 days clean) you can see there was hope. I know it is easy to romanticize using when you are feeling down, but is using really going to fix things? You can look back at your posts on that too. It really is a dead end and maybe it worked at one time, but those days are long gone.

I hope you can reach back out for support and what was working. We are here and do care!!!
Marcus is offline  
Old 05-15-2017, 06:03 PM
  # 316 (permalink)  
Member
 
jaynie04's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Hey sugar. I wanted to let you know I am pulling for you. And for what it's worth, I think your writing is beautiful, and to me, that is a real gift. It takes real depth to be able to convey feelings like you do, you are special and you are worth fighting for.
jaynie04 is offline  
Old 05-15-2017, 07:06 PM
  # 317 (permalink)  
Member
 
teatreeoil007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by jaynie04 View Post
Hey sugar. I wanted to let you know I am pulling for you. And for what it's worth, I think your writing is beautiful, and to me, that is a real gift. It takes real depth to be able to convey feelings like you do, you are special and you are worth fighting for.
Amen!!!
teatreeoil007 is offline  
Old 05-16-2017, 12:53 PM
  # 318 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Santa Barbara, CA
Posts: 44
Sugar - how's the day today? Thank you for sharing. I can so relate to the struggle. Self medicating to try and relieve the depression/anxiety and then continuing it because it eventually ends up bringing those two on harder. And more distorted. Once you get any kind of time under your belt, it kind of ruins any pleasure or relief you try to find. I'm no angel tho, I still have moments (lots of them) where I think about pills. Yesterday I went into CVS to buy something and I realized about 3 minutes into the store that I hadn't been all agitated or triggered by going in there with the pharmacy RIGHT THERE. 69 days and I just now had a day where it wasn't on the forefront. Seems like forever yet not even 90 days yet. Your addict brain wants to beat yourself up. Here to listen if you're around........
Refunded is offline  
Old 05-16-2017, 01:35 PM
  # 319 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
sugarangel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,099
Hey guys....

Thank you so much for everything. I am sorry I am emotionally so all over the place. I am just so frustrated and tired of fighting my brain every day. I am feeling better for now, but that can change on a dime. I did learn one important thing yesterday, and that is that drugs just don't do it for me like they used to. They don't really help anymore. Like yesterday. After I took all that, I ended up taking more Xanax and ended up tossing my guts up. So, instead of making me feel better, it just made everything worse. And now I feel like 3 miles of bad road. Jeez, when will I ever learn??
A quick question.....Has anybody used Kratom to help them get off pain pills?? And, if so, how did that turn out?? Just wondering.

Well, I guess that's it for now. I have discovered the chat room!!
Love you guys.
sugarangel is offline  
Old 05-16-2017, 01:37 PM
  # 320 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
sugarangel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,099
Originally Posted by Refunded View Post
Sugar - how's the day today? Thank you for sharing. I can so relate to the struggle. Self medicating to try and relieve the depression/anxiety and then continuing it because it eventually ends up bringing those two on harder. And more distorted. Once you get any kind of time under your belt, it kind of ruins any pleasure or relief you try to find. I'm no angel tho, I still have moments (lots of them) where I think about pills. Yesterday I went into CVS to buy something and I realized about 3 minutes into the store that I hadn't been all agitated or triggered by going in there with the pharmacy RIGHT THERE. 69 days and I just now had a day where it wasn't on the forefront. Seems like forever yet not even 90 days yet. Your addict brain wants to beat yourself up. Here to listen if you're around........
69 days is nothing short of amazing. You are my hero. Man, I want to be where you are so much!! I love your posts, btw. Thank you for sharing with me.
sugarangel is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:01 AM.