Marcus

Hey Sugar! 37 days is truly amazing. Yes early sobriety is an emotional roller coaster at times. You can feel amazing and confident one minute and down in the dumps where your mind starts trying to convince you that you just can't do it the next. All completely normal emotions although that might not make you feel any better.

For me maintaining sobriety is a cake walk compared to those early days, but I think I needed the growing pains. When the miracle happened and I actually did not want to use or have a compulsion to use it made me that much more grateful for my choice to get sober and try something different. For the new life I had.

If you can convince yourself that using is not an option. That no matter how tough things can seem in life that it will never be a solution or fix the problem the tough times do get easier. You can learn to accept how you are feeling versus fighting against it. Then of course you can do something about it and sounds like your sponsor is keeping you accountable.

Anyway just want to say congrats you are doing great. It might not feel that way everyday but stay the course. Don't overthink or over analyze everything. Keep it simple. Put one foot in front of the other and breathe :-)

teatreeoil007

Hi Sugar. I think it's pretty typical to feel 'off' at this stage of the game. Substances take up a lot of head space really and you take those away and it does a number on your brain at first. 37 days is great. Keep it up.

finaltime

checking in. Man sugar you are THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And you even went out with your mom and bro!!!

I am at home today, last day of the 4 day holiday. Being lazy. A million episodes of Impractical Jokers while cleaning a bit. Easter was a lot to handle with all the family. Been away 6 years!!! It went okay though.

Love you all

Tiredofdrugs

Hi sugarangel!

WOW! You are over a month clean! Congrat's on getting past the first 30 days!

Every time I went C/T off the pain meds I couldn't wait to get 30 days under my feet clean off them. I knew it was all going to get better and better with each new clean day. The more clean time I acquired? The clearer my head would get and the better I'd feel! My mind always cleared up before my strength would come back. I made sure to keep my hands busy so my mind wouldn't wonder around in dark corners looking for reasons to use!

I'm so happy Kay is going to be your Sponsor! She sounds like the perfect fit!

Something I read on here many years ago has stuck with me! "We only have so many recoveries within ourselves! The older we get? The harder it is to do another recovery!" I'm 3 years away from turning 60! When I'm too crippled, bed ridden and out of my mind? Fill me up with pain meds! Until then? Let me live a clean life and enjoy the years I have left with dignity and grace!

I'm proud of you sugarangel! Keep up the good work! When you feel out of sorts? Get up and MOVE! DO something different! Our ways of thinking is always changing!

TOD

OpioPhobe

Sugar - congrats on getting 37 days. That is an accomplishment to be proud of.

Kay sounds like a good sponsor in my book. Staying busy was very important for me early on. Idle time was something I did my best to avoid.

As far as feeling 'off' goes, I definitely felt off for a while. It got much better over time though. The way I felt a 60 or 90 days was night and day compared to what I felt around 30 days.

Keep on keepin' on!

sugarangel

Hey....

You guys are the best!! Thank you for the posts and the advice. It really touched my heart when I came on and saw them. It made my whole day!!

So, day 40 today!! The last few days have been impossibly hard. It seems like there are pills everywhere!! It's like when you quit smoking and then you see people smoking everywhere. But, I am feeling better, and getting stronger, I think, everyday. I catch myself doing things I haven't done in a really long time. And enjoying them!! Crazy!! I am hoping to be able to get my hair done, and my mom was so sweet and bought me a new dress for my 30 days. It's nice to think about girlie things like that again. Shoot, I wore makeup for the first time in ages the other day, and that was really nice. I haven't felt like doing anything like that for myself in a very long time, and I am enjoying it so much. I am starting to feel like a person again.

You are all right about keeping busy. I have been getting to as many meetings as I can, and I am going to make the first meeting I ever went to as my home group. I get along with pretty much everyone there, and there are always new people coming. It's a really great meeting. And, now I have a reason to do my baking and pastries and such. It will be a blast for me to make goodies to bring to meetings. Hope fully, they will think so, too!!
I am working my first step, doing a gratitude list daily, and slowly getting my house and my life in order. Everything is such a slow process, but I am starting to see changes in my attitude and in the way I think. Yesterday at meeting, they talked about living life on life's terms, and that was a message I needed to hear. It was good, too, to hear how others deal with stressful situations and not use. I learned a lot. Then again, I always learn something at every meeting.

I am trying to quit smoking again. Wish me luck on that one!! But, after I quit the pills and got that bad cold, my lungs haven't been the same. They feel sore and full all the time, so I figured I would try again. I also want to start exercising, and I can't if I can't breathe!! We'll see what happens.

Hope this post wasn't too confused and fragmented. Apparently it is incredibly hard to think without a cig hanging from my mouth. lol

Have a lovely day, peeps!!

sugarangel

I just wanted to say one more thing. When I started doing the gratitude list, Kay told me to think of 5 things everyday to be grateful for. Yeah right, I thought. I didn't think I could come up with 5 things EVERYDAY!! That seemed impossible. But, once I started doing it, I realized why they have you do that in the program. It really, truly changes the way you view your life, others, and your thought processes.
So, for anyone reading this, even if you aren't in NA or anything, still maybe try it. It really worked to get me out of my head and my own selfish, self pitying thoughts. It really works. And that surprised me.
Anyways, just wanted to give a shout out to the Gratitude List!!
Love you guys.

finaltime

Sugar you are doing what it takes. And that is action. You are noticing the fog lifting. Gosh you are amazing. Please keep posting. I love that you are jumping in with both feet with the meetings and the gratitude list. All that stuff they tell you to do works.

Awesome stuff. And bake away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sugarangel

I relapsed. At 42 days. I am so sorry. And stupid. Called my sponsor and told her. then came here and told all of you. Accountability.

I don't know what else to say except that I think I am a piece of **** for letting myself and everyone else down.

I will write more later.
Please forgive me.

Love you guys.

teatreeoil007

Thanks for your honesty, Sugar. We are still here for you.

Sorry for your relapse.

You are likely more disappointed in yourself than we are of you...So, please don't get too down on yourself. Just try to get back on track.

Hugs, my friend. I sent you a PM.

Dee74

Beating yourself up is exactly what the addicted part of you wants - feeling badly about yourself makes it easier for you to continue using.

You're not a POS or anything like that, You're just like the rest of us here

and that means - if we can do it, you can too

Take the lessons you gained here and use them to build a better plan this time - you can do this Sugar

D

SincerelySelf

Dee nailed it right on the head, relapse is unfortunately something that happens to the best of us. My DOC had me coming back after years of sobriety several times, so you are not alone my friend. Just please don't give up, using once does not mean you have to start everything over, it just means you need to find what triggered the relapse and prepare for it next time. Sending my prayers and love.

teatreeoil007

Yeah...you are NOT a POS. So get that notion out of your noggin'. That's trash talk that belongs in the trash.

I'm sort of angry at your mother right now because I think maybe she is one of your biggest triggers. I'd like to give her a piece of my mind, even though I know that's not possible.

Tiredofdrugs

Sugarangel! You might FEEL like a PofS? But you aren't a PofS! If all of us recovering addicts were able to get clean and stay clean from the first run at it? This forum wouldn't exist!

I, myself, relapsed several times before getting onboard with staying clean. I also found with each relapse? It sucked more and more with the feelings I got from the drugs!

Our brain and body tell ourselves we NEED the drugs to feel better! It's those Endorphins wanting to go on a raging party! Sure after being off the drugs for a period of time they make us feel good at first. But the longer we stay on them? The worse we feel and the rat race to get more starts all over again! If they are being acquired illegally, there's also arrest and jail time to go along with it if you're caught!

I just received a FB post today telling of a couple I went to school with, their 23 yro grandson died from an overdose. I hate to read announcements of young PPL dying from drugs! I also just learned the news of a guy I grew up with is out on the streets doing Meth! Just so sad!

For you:

Hugs to ya!

TOD

Startingover444

Hey sugar angel I just wanted to say a huge thank you to you for your honest, no holds barred thread. I have read it from beginning to end and can relate to nearly all your experiences. I am not as good at writing as you though!
I am on day 5 of this wd many many have gone before and I swear they get worse every time
Tonight I was thinking it might be best just to od and get it over with but you have given me hope. Thank you. Keep going no matter how many times you fall there is always a reason to live, we just have to find it x

finaltime

sugar, first of all don't beat yourself up. I know this feels absolutely awful. Trust me, you know that I know how you are feeling. This is us, we have a disease, opiates are brutal... the craving is so dang intense. I have been on and off opiates since I can remember.

YOU know what I do know? We can dust ourselves up and start all over. What is the alternative? Sit around keep using? Nope. get back up. Start over. Cut off the supply.

Hang tight, please call me or PM me if you want me to call you.

Marcus

You still out there Sugar?

sugarangel

Hey guys....

I am still here. Thank you for all the kindness and words of encouragement. Thank you for being here and being such good people. I would be nowhere without all of you helping me through. So sorry I ghosted like that, but this week has really sucked off the charts. Like for real. My fridge broke and I lost all my food. Couldn't get a new one for four days. Had a massive ant infestation from all the rain and had to massively clean cuz man do I hate bugs. I used until yesterday, and am now feeling like doo. So, yeah, things have been crappy as hell. But, I am still breathing and I haven't used today. That's gotta be worth something, right??
Anyways, last week Kay asked me to write this thing about what pills did for me, and what they took from me. I am posting it below this just because I wanted to share it with you all. I don't know why.
Hope everyone is okay.
Love you guys.

sugarangel

What Pills Did For Me And What Pills Took From Me.....

"I was asked to write about what pills did for me and about what they took from me. I thought about this a lot, and for the first one, I thought about writing how wonderful pills made me feel. About the lovely, fluffy cloud they left me on, so high up nothing and no one could touch me, hurt me, or make me feel bad in any way. I thought about writing how the pills gave me such confidence. Made me feel like I could be anyone. Do anything. That nothing was too hard or impossible. I thought about writing how pills were my best friends, my lovers, my family, my gods. And, I thought about writing how pills made me feel closer to people. How they made me think all people were essentially good and kind and would never make me cry. Pills made me bulletproof. I couldn't ever be hurt because I couldn't feel. For me, that was the best part of being high.
When I thought about what pills took from me, I thought about writing how badly I hurt my mom financially, and about the many nights I've kept her up worrying. I thought about writing how pills took all my money, all my time, all my effort, all my dignity. My sanity. I thought about writing how the pills that once gave me so much pleasure now sucked the light out of every day. And, I thought about writing how the pills had broken every promise they had ever made to me. They weren't always there. They didn't help me anymore when they were. In the end, they betrayed me, bankrupted me, demoralized me, and became the worst thing that ever happened to me.
So, these were the things I thought about when asked to write this. I thought about getting all poetic and even downright Shakespearean in my descriptions of how pills made me feel and of what they took from me. But, in the end, none of it mattered. Matters. In the end, I could only come up with a one word response to both questions.
So, to the question of what pills did for me, the answer is everything.
And, in response to the question of what pills took from me, the answer is the same.
Everything."

Dee74

Sorry for your week sugar - but I am glad you're back

maybe it's a good time to think about what you can do differently this time? The slightest addition to a plan can sometimes make a massive difference?

D