Tiredofdrugs

I read where you said you're mom had also had her demons with drugs? And your brother is saying she's drinking? If this is true?

She is unable to be your mom as in the aspects you wish her to be! Imagine what you are going thru right now? Could you yourself be a good mom to your own child?

You honestly need to continue being grateful for her help in the money and home situation. But as for going overboard to do for her because of these things? You only continue getting rejected and screamed at. Your mom is not in a healthy frame of mind right now. She's lashing out at you every chance she gets, because she knows you have no other place to go!

She hurt her back on the job! That's on her! It isn't your fault nor is it your place to put yourself out there to care for her as if she were your child. I bet your mom knew all the ways, leads and ropes on how to pull stuff in herself? I know you're only trying to help, but it's dragging you down in the process!

At this time! You need to focus on YOU getting healthy and clean! I was stingy with my time when I was getting off the drugs and finding out who I was w/o them. My husband gave me my space to heal! He knew I was struggling and took care of the needs around here as far as the animals and him eating. The only thing I asked of him was to hide his own pain meds. Which he did! He's not addicted to them like I am. But there were times I chewed his ass out for taking too many and treating me like crap! He stopped them immediately.

I use the VAH for my doctors and dentist. They have severely cracked down on handing out pain meds. I'm super grateful they've done that.

I myself have gone back on the pain meds time and time again for one medical reason after another. Sigh! I have horrible RLS for the first 30 days of getting off them. Then I just have the usual RLS problem. Even though I'm going thru those horrible RLS periods? I am determined to stay away from the pain meds. They are nothing but trouble in one form or another for me! I went outside and walked around the yard for hours at all hours of the day and early mornings. I would collapse in my chair only to get up 30 minutes later to do it all over again. I knew deep in my heart and mind it would end. Didn't know when, just it would end. And that's what kept me going!

Best wishes to ya!

TOD

sugarangel

Wrote 2 posts and lost them both. Having an awful day. Will write more later.
Thanks, TOD. I will check out the search and read through those. I appreciate the help. I will post back on your thread later. Am too pissed about losing the other 2 posts and am now too burned out to start again.

Tea.....I got your pm, and I will pm you back soon. Thank you for being here. You are always my rock.

I sure hope this day gets better cuz it has been a suckfest so far. Yesterday, too.
Love you guys.

lostsoul71

What goes up must come down, what goes down will come up hang in there sugar try and find something positive about the last couple days, hope things get better.

sugarangel

Hey guys,,
Am here. Still working things out. Or trying to. Back on day 2. Makes me sick to say that. Not sure what else to say. Feeling bad and stupid and want to crawl under a nice, big rock and hide. Never come out.
I am sure everyone's patience is running thin with me, and I so understand. I don't know what else to say here. I am at a loss for the moment.
Going to get some stuff done this morning and then crawl back in bed for the weekend. Maybe I can gain some perspective in a few days. Maybe not. I am just worn out, and I can't seem to find any reason to anything.
But I managed to stay sober yesterday, and I plan to stay that way today. It's the best I can do right now.
Love and hugs.

Crestline

I can't imagine what it's like to have access to opiates just feet away. I'm 69 days off opiates and alcohol. The alcohol is not so hard to stay away from, but if I had access to pills, it would be a real struggle.
I had to have "allergic to opiates" put in my medical records and at the pharmacy to deter me from using.
I'm not religious at all, but I've discovered that talking to a higher power is so beneficial ESPECIALLY in the very early days of sobriety.
Don't give up and don't be afraid to post when you end up using. I feel like this is a safe place to come and bare your soul.
Teri

teatreeoil007

Just breathe and pray. Sometimes that's all we one can do when one doesn't feel like doing anything else. I got myself outside today for a good brisk walk in the brisk weather. Brrrr. Still nippy out there. Especially with the wind. But at least I'm not on Mt. Everest in the "death zone". The hardest part, for me, is getting started; getting myself out that door. But, then I just tell myself to start steppin' and before I know it my walk is done and I feel better. I tell myself to breathe in ; breathe out; in with the good; out with the bad. May sound lame or simple, but it helps.

Sugar, I sent you a pm. Hugs!!

Marcus

We will keep posting Sugar. We know the struggle. I just want you to get it. Keep reaching out and being honest. Life can be so much better than you can even imagine. Don't give up. I am thankful that people in recovery didnt give up on me. We obviously cant do it for you. There has to be a way you can find some more face to face support. It will not always be a struggle. Having a strong support system and daily structure to my life was huge for me in the beginning. Take Care.

sugarangel

Thanks guys for all the words of encouragement. It's so nice of all of you. I am here and still sober, but I still have really nothing to say. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just feel so bad. About so much.
Anyways, I know some will think this is really stupid, but I don't care. I am going to post some lyrics, because they say what I want to say, but just don't know how. Sometimes a song can do that for you. Give you a voice when you don't feel you have one.
And, today, I have no words.

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest.
Or the girl who never wants to be alone.
I don't wanna be there calling 4 o'clock in the morning.
Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home.

Ah, the sun is blinding.
I stayed up again.
Oh, I am finding.
That that's not the way I want my story to end.

I'm safe.
Up high.
Nothing can touch me.
But why do I feel this party's over??
No pain.
Inside.
You're my protection.
But how do I feel this good sober??

I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence.
The quiet scares me cause it screams the truth.
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation.
Cause I won't remember, save your breath, cause what's the use??

Ah, the night is calling.
And it whispers to me softly, come and play.
But, I am falling.
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame.

I'm safe.
Up high.
Nothing can touch me.
But why do I feel this party's over??
No pain.
Inside.
You're like perfection.
But how do I feel this good sober??

Coming down, coming down, coming down.
Spinning round, spinning round, spinning round.
I'm looking for myself.
Sober.
Coming down, coming down, coming down.
Spinning round, spinning round, spinning round.
Looking for myself.
Sober.

When it's good, then it's good.
It's so good till it goes bad.
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had.
I have heard myself cry, never again.
Broken down in agony just tryin to find a friend.

I'm safe.
Up high.
Nothing can touch me.
But, why do I feel this party's over??
No pain.
Inside.
You're like perfection.
But how do I feel this good sober??

"Sober" - Alecia Moore (Pink)

godsdrummer209

Honestly sugar I love u and ur honesty and am very proud of u but when I was withdrawaling anything that happened was an good reason to use ... you have to be done!!! And fight those voices like u told me to do ... all these few relapses have just set u back keep fighting and pray when u want to use don't give up love u and am proud of you ...

finaltime

Hey guys keep on fighting. Sugar you have a HUGE support system here but yes agree daily face to face support would be good. One meeting a day for 90 days. No matter what plan on getting to a meeting. I did that a few times back in the day. I had to just have something to focus on. Get me out of self and move. Take action. Now did that help me to stay sober? No. Staying sober has always been the challenge for me. Getting clean for me was the easy part when I look back. now staying clean? Whole other ball game.

So guys I Need to share something that is really hard right now. I am staying at my brother home, watching his house and 2 of his kids. HE has 2 bottles of pain meds right in the drawer by his bed and one bottle of cough syrup with codeine in the cupboard. I couldn't stop thinking about the pills yesterday. Now this brother I was caught stealing pills at his house on Jan 1 of 2009. My history with him and his wife of stealing pills from them goes on for years. So its no joke that in the past 2 years I have regained trust. I did my step 9 with him and her in July and made amends. I have made amends through showing that I show up and don't screw up.

So making a stupid ass mistake like stealing his pills and using again would be DUMB. I am an addict and I know how hard this is mentally, and the cravings yesterday were in full effect. At one point I even poured some of them out in my hand and walked into the bathroom and counted them.

I put them back. You know how I did it? I kept thinking about the gnawing paranoia I am going to have once he comes home on Tuesday. The non stop feeling of 'did he count them, does he know, does his wife know etc' then when the phone rings I will think oh shoot here we go etc. And since this Is the second time he asked me to watch his million dollar home and run his kids of course they are still nervous. I love having the trust back.

You know the having of the booze and pills around sucks. Its like hell. However its reality and I kept thinking last night of how alcoholics feel..booze everywhere. I was so proud of myself when I woke up this morning that slept in his bed next to my DOC and didn't even change ha ha.

I thought yesterday I could call my mom and ask her to get them out of there. And next time when they leave? I am going to ask him to put his pills in the safe. I am not liking this feeling.

A smart girl when looking for the charger that is usually next to his bed wouldn't have opened the drawer....

Of course my mind was thinking, "You know him and his wife have a paper with the amount of pills inside each bottle"

I am sure they don't. I am sure they don't even remember they are in there. But that is not the point. Can you guys see the obsession? That is the disease. The obsession of the mind.

Need a meeting.

teatreeoil007

Thanks for sharing that finaltime and good job not caving!

teatreeoil007

Sugar, check in. We are here for you whenever. You help us so much!!

sugarangel

Hey guys,
I am here. Just having a hella tough day. My sink decided to get all plugged up, and I had water everywhere!! Like seriously. Then my mom decided to call and bitch me out for no real apparent reason. And then my landline went out and had to deal with all that drama. So, I am just dealing with a bunch of life issues today. Some days you just wonder why you ever got out of bed in the first place.
But, I will get through it. And that's mostly because of all of you. You guys are amazing, and your posts brought me to tears. It's the first time in my life I feel like I have true friends. Real ones that care. You all mean more to me than I can ever express. Thank you for caring about someone like me.

Final.....I am SO proud of you I have no words. What you did by not taking those pills is awesome, and I am in awe of you right now!! I hope you know you are amazing, and such an inspiration to me. Good job, girl. You absolutely rock!!
I have more to say, but it will have to wait. I still have a ton of stuff to do in the kitchen. I hate to admit it, but I kinda like being busy today. It's helping to keep my mind off other things for the moment. And that is a very good thing right now!!
Ok, back to my waterlogged kitchen.
Love you like cake.

sugarangel

2 a.m and she calls me cause I'm still awake.
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake??
I don't love him.
Winter just wasn't my season."
Yeah, we walk through the doors.
So accusing their eyes.
Like they have any right at all to criticize.
Hypocrites.
You're all here for the very same reason.

Cause you can't jump the track.
We're like cars on a cable.
And life's like an hourglass.
Glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands.

And breathe.
Just breathe.
Oh, breathe.
Just breathe.

May he turned 21.
On the base at Fort Bliss.
"Just a day," he said, down to the flask in his fist.
"Ain't been sober.
Since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while.
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles.
Wanna hold him.
Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track.
We're like cars on a cable.
And life's like an hourglass.
Glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys.
So cradle your head in your hands.

And breathe.
Just breathe.
Oh, breathe.
Just breathe.

There's a light at each end of this tunnel.
You shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out.
And these mistakes you've made.
You'll just make them again.
If you'd only try turning around.

2a.m and I'm still awake.
Writing a song.
If I get it all down on paper.
It's no longer inside of me.
Threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd.
Cause these words are my diary.
Screaming out loud.
And I know that you'll use them.
However you want to.

But, you can't jump the track.
We're like cars on a cable.
And life's like an hourglass.
Glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button now.
Sing it if you understand.

And breathe.
Just breathe.
Oh, breathe.
Just breathe.

Breathe (2 AM) - Anna Nalick

teatreeoil007

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SE_l1hLps1g

Wailin' Jennys

sugarangel

Thank you, Tea. The song was beautiful, and I loved the lyrics. Your timing is spot on as usual. You always seem to be there when I need someone the most.
I am very sad today.
I got your pm, and I will send you one back soon. I just can't seem to find much to say lately. I hurt, and I am trying to get through it. Not trying to be dramatic. Just honest.
I owe a few others a pm, too, and I haven't forgotten about any of you. And, I will reply, I promise. Just trying at the moment to deal with lots of scary and confusing emotions right now. Especially after therapy today. I feel very raw and alone.
Anyway, thank you again. I'm sorry I'm not better company.
In fact, today I am very sorry I am me.
Love you guys lots.

teatreeoil007

We're glad you're here, SugarA. And we are glad that you are you. That's all there is to it.

"You Are Here"

You wonder why you wonder when
You wonder how now and then
How you became who you’ve become

You are here
And yet you dream of being there
Of being where you think the good life has begun

Every darkened hallway
Every fallen dream
Every battle lost and
Every shadow in between
Will bring you to your knees and
Closer to the reason

And there’s no making cases
For getting out or trading places
And there’s no turning back
No you are here

Who can say who made the choice
In the matter of your birth
Who brought about that fateful day
Well you are here and born with fire and desire
You’re the only one can stand in your own way

And every broken arrow
Every hardened smile
Every foolish gamble and
Every lonely mile
Will bring you to your knees and
Closer to the reason

And there’s no making cases
For getting out or trading places
And there’s no turning back
No you are here

And every sign of love
Every seed that’s growing
Every sweet surrender
To that silent knowing
Will bring you to your knees and
Closer to the reason

And there’s no making cases
For getting out or trading places
And there’s no turning back
No you are here

teatreeoil007

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zj2ku5wxWVQ

The Wailin' Jennys

finaltime

good morning. I want to reply on what you said sugar about being busy and it feeling good. I honestly think that might be the change you need to make in order to stay clean. Truly. Since you don't work etc and stay home during the day its so hard to do that as addicts. No plan for me creates problems. When I am high I don't mind one bit laying around all day. Go out for smokes etc.

Getting a small part time job might be good. Doing one meeting a day might be helpful. Then getting contacts with others, going for coffee before meetings etc.

IT works if you work it.

MIss and love you all!!! One and a half more days of teaching then spring break... holla. Going to Sedona up north here in Arizona with some friends, then later on in the week to another place with my boyfriend and daughter.

So excited.

take care and keep on posting!!

sugarangel

Going thru bad relapse right now. Should NEVER have taken that scrip from doc. Sent me into a slow, downward spiral I can't seem to recover from. And my back is against the wall.
So, I cried this morning until my eyes swelled up. I prayed like I have never prayed before. And then I picked up the phone and started calling the numbers I got at NA. I ended up talking to a really nice lady I'll call Kay. She is 9 mos. clean off opiates, and she hung out with me on the phone for a long time, and it really helped. She's supposed to call me tonight, and she is going to try to set me up with her sponsor. And with rides to get to more meetings. She also goes to AA, and said she would help me find one close by because the aa meetings here have a lot more women to connect with.
I went to my therapist, and was completely honest with her about what's been going on. And, she was really nice and didn't judge me.
So, now I am just waiting to hear from Kay. She said she was really excited to help, and had been waiting for a chance to help someone the way she's been helped.
i don't wanna get my hopes up at all. But, I really hope she comes through like she said.
What she said pretty much was that I wasn't alone, that she understood where I am at. That she would help me get a sponsor, get transpo, and get to the right meetings. She was so kind. I am very glad I finally broke down enough to call. I stared at that list for like an hour before I finally called.
Kay said to just show up and do what you're told. I can do that.
I am beaten, broken, and feel as low as I have ever felt. I am humbled, tired, but so thankful that I finally reached out and met Kay. I just deeply hope it's for real, and I'm not disappointed. Don't think I can take having another door opened, then abruptly slammed in my face.
I also set up a ride service to take me to and from therapy and med appts. That means less time with my mom, and less triggering.
I am changing my recovery plan, and I am going to do everything I am told this time.
This time I am going to succeed. I know this because I just know this.
Thanks for 'listening'.
Love you guys lots.