Forte

I everyone, I'm a 30 year old Australian guy who's really struggling with opiates.
I've got a huge history of alcoholism, meth, pot etc but last year I turned my life around ( well, I swapped it all for legit painkillers ) and got a place, a good job and all the external things in order.

Some annoying back pain got me using Panafon extra (15mg Codeine), at first maybe 8-10 a day, eventually about 50-60 a day.. Huge. This lead me to finding ways not to make myself sick with these huge doses but I seem to have an unholy tolerance to paracetamol and iboorofen.

This has led me to a few doctors where I have been prescribed stronger doses of Codeine and recently tramadol.
Now tramadol is all I chase.

The point is, these painkillers are completely controlling my life, just now I have popped 25 assorted codeine, tramadol pills before my night shift just to get through it without dramas, I do this every night and consider the 25 doing well..
I feel unable to deal with the world almost entirely without the sharp edges taken off by these pills.

I don't know I guess I'm just wanting to meet some people whom have an opiate problem or are in recovery from the same sort of thing. I've been around the newcomers forum for awhile but wanted to introduce myself here

Thanks for reading

Soberwolf

Hey Forte first thing I'd suggest is a plan & speak to your Dr about tapering safely

You won't be doing this alone & you will always have support here

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

sugarangel

Hi. You arent alone. Just wanted you to know that. I am an opiate slaxh benzo slash alcoholic slash pothead, and am on day one no opiates. Hating life right now. They say it gets better though. Anyway, welcome, and am rooting for you.

Forte

Thanks sugarangel, I'm spending so much effort justifying my using right now, I need to just make the move like you have done.. Hang in there, you can beat this

sugarangel

Oh man. Justifying using. I could spend all day thinking through that one. Then get just a few. Feel a little better for an hour or 2 then right bsck to the dark place, and wheel starts turnin again. Reset the clock. Another round of wds and searching. I cant do it anymore. Am so tired.
Hang in there. Sounds trite, i know, but its all i got right now. Stay with SR. It really does help. Good luck, my friend and keep posting.

IvanMike

I'm sure there are NA meetings near you. That's always a good place to start. Opiate/opioid detox won't kill you, it will just suck. Then you never have to do it again. I know.

I found that until I stopped trying to justify my using, I was forced to continue. You have to figure out if you have the willingness to do the same.

A lot of people here and in NA come in looking for how to make getting off whatever drug they use easy and painless. I'm not much for fairy tales. I can tell you that all of the discomfort is temporary. The mood swings and feelings that "something just isn't right" pass with time as well.

Either way you are going to encounter some discomfort. Either a short period of discomfort with freedom on the other side, or a lifetime of progressive misery that always ends in a premature demise.

Your choice. The good news is that there is help. People here and in NA understand what it is like to be you, and there are many who have been where you are and have gotten to where you want to be that are willing to help you.

Dee74

Hey Forte

I don;t know much about tramadol but I know you'll find support and encouragement here

D

Forte

All I friggin do is justify why I do this to the point where I've brainwashed myself.

I'm absolutely miserable like this but live for that brief high when the pills take effect.

If I admit to myself I NEED rehab, I lose the little I have left. I have a really good job for a guy like me. I have money now, I never had money.
If I give up, detox and go to rehab I'll just be a washed up, ex jail, ex alcho-junkie.

I'm so ******* lost but thanks for hearing me out

Dee74

If you need rehab to straighten out then its really only a formality whether you admit it to yourself or not, tho Forte?

C'mon Forte that's BS.

If you go to rehab (or at least do something else proactive like see a Dr) you'll be tackling this problem head on. Change is embraced, and all manner of futures possible.

If you do nothing, your addiction will grow and consume you, your career and everything you hold dear right now.

Your chances of losing everything and being that washed up dude will actually exponentially increase if you choose the do nothing/change nothing option.

I know it's scary but when that fear is being used against you to keep you down and using, it's time to make changes.

D

Forte

Thanks Dee. That makes sense. I just can't think straight anymore, my head is such a mess all the time.
I believe my own bs and am becoming delusional.
I know what I have to do, I think I'm ready. This life i have now feels like it could be pulled from under me anytime anyway. Constant worry.

I'm so done

Dee74

We'll be beside you Forte

Cista

G'day fellow Aussie good see you reaching out for help. Im nearly four weeks off codeine and starting to feel awesome after many yrs. I totally get your struggle and worries. I hope you get the help you need. Take care mate.

Forte

Thanks for the msgs guys and gals, I appreciate it. It's funny while I've been on SR for some time, I find that recently I just skim through threads. Never taking much in, not lacking empathy but maybe not feeling as compassionate as I could.
Only today did I read every response of this thread again and again. I mean wow.

It's all simple but I am blind. Truly living in a giant brain fog.
It's 11pm here, I just called my boss (giving very late notice) that I won't be coming in tonight. My first ever sick call. I just can't face it tonight.
I'm breaking down. I have had excruciating stomach pain all day and I'm still using stupid amounts of codeine. Like poison-yourself-dead-doses to the uninitiated.

I'm just done with living like this and I admit that I have a serious problem here. A problem I can't cover up with a good weekly pay and some expensive nikes.

I need to stop or I don't know what. I have no anything left inside me.

Going to go to a new doctor tomorrow morning.

Thanks for your support on here, I am leaning

Cista

Hi Forte good decision to see a new doctor. Sorry to hear you're in pain. I hope you get the right support to be free from those nasty pills and get your life back. I knew a couple of weeks ago when I hit my lowest mental point that I had to fight to get my life back. It was tough work to detox off the pills and some days it was both mentally and physically challenging but it can be done....if you want it enough.

Forte

Thanks Cista, you're doing great that's pretty bloody inspiring that you made the move.
I guess it's different for us all but we just eventually realise it can't go on.
Thanks for your support, keep going with your massive effort,
In this battle together

sugarangel

Hi
just wanted to see how youre doing. Want you to know i so get what youre feeling. Also want to say i tried every freaking thing i could think of to not have to go through wds, only to be right where i am now. On day 2 and feeling awful. But i feel bad on the pills too. So i just finally gave up and accepted that yhere is no other way out than through. Dont mean to be a downer, but just want to save you YEARS of the same neverending circle. Take it from me. It will never get better with the pills. Never. This i can promise. Am thinking about you. You can do this.

Forte

Hey sugarangel, thanks for thinking of me when you are in your own hell.
I'm ok, despite knowing I'm at the end of my rope my brain is still at me with just about every excuse in the book to justify my using today. To not be sick is the number one.. I don't know, I'm not putting massive emphasis on it being day one today until I've seen a doctor.

My brain is so damn foggy and my short term memory is much more battered now than in the past with chronic Pot use. It happened so gradually, I thought I had found the perfect drug with opiates: stay in control and discreet.
How wrong I have been.. I'm way out of control and to others my behaviour must seem obvious..

A lot is wrong. But at least I know that this way of life can't continue, it's not viable and it's getting me. That's a positive.

Hope you have a better day, stay strong. You're my hero right now

sugarangel

Oh boy. Im nobodys hero, but you made me smile so thank you for that. I feel really crappy today, too. But, we will be ok. Have to believe in that. All the stuff you are going through i am too. My brain wants me to use too. I swear my mind is trying to kill me off. Whats one more time? You can start again tomorrow. Blah, blah blah. Even had a serious hour of wanting to get blotto drunk. But wow. Imagine a hangover on top of all the wds? No thanks.
Hang on Forte. Get through any way you can. There is a thread on here somewhere with a bunch of ideas for things to do. I dont know how to send you a link or i would. But, just know someone else is with you in this.
Hope you have an ok night. Try to rest. I still cant sleep or eat. Making me mental. Am rooting for you 100.

sugarangel

By the way, this forum has been super quiet for a while now. Dont know why. But up in Newcomers forum there are always people to talk to. You know, if you want.

Forte

Thanks sugarangel, I know it's funny coming from me but please hang in there, it will get better. And you are my hero

I don't mind the quiet. Wow I even hide away on Internet forums...

At the doctors in the waiting room.. Hope this lady can help