hopepraylove

I posted this on the loved ones of substance abusers page, but wanted to get some insight from the other side...

My addict ex bf was in town this weekend. I heard from several friends that he had relapsed and pulled a knife on a friend while he was "out of his mind." Not entirely surprised, when I saw him for coffee my gut feeling was that he wasn't sober. He has consistently relapsed over and over and over again. Seems that the three-month-itch is true with him, he has never been sober for more than 2 months in over two years (maybe more).

I immediately ignored any text messages or anything following this news. I've been ignoring him for over a day now.

I woke up for over 30 text messages. LONG, novel paragraphs. He also "liked" 40+ photos on my IG and commented on it. Usually a tell-tale sign of his using is him being up 24 hours straight.

I am scared to block him. Scared that he will kill himself, he left me long, painful voicemails telling me that he doesn't want to get back together, but desperately wants to be friends, "please don't ignore me, I have no one, I have no friends, no purpose to live, I will die without you. I'll kill myself if you don't keep me in your life at all. Please respond."

I can't focus at work, I'm sick and stressed out. I feel like this is just as INSANE as it was when we were together.

Is blocking him incredibly mean? What if he does hurt himself? What if he follows through with killing himself? He has a long history of suicide tendencies. I know that I am not God, I know I can not save him. I also know that no part of me wants to reconcile romantically, I am not in love with him, I care about him deeply as a human and want him to be at peace.

What is your OPINION on blocking vs. ignoring? I'm curious to hear if anyone harbors any true resentment of the people who cut you out while you were in active addiction?

Thank you...

Tiredofdrugs

Hello HPL! My big problem I've dealt with in the past is the: "Sucker" written across my forehead! I've given ppl chance after chance to make things right with me and/or themselves! It only turned out to be me getting hurt in the end. So I finally cut these ppl out of my life! Not heard from them in years now! No more problems on their part to deal with either!

When someone we know is steadly crying and pleading with us to not abandon them? We have to ask; what is our friend, family member doing to lose everyone in their life?

Another thing I'd be afraid of is: Who's reading the texts while he's passed out from using? Will other's see me as a Sucker and try to contact me for help? Will other's use his phone to make calls for drugs? Will the police see all the texts he's sent if he's arrested and his phone is confiscated?

He doesn't act like he's ready to stay clean? He gives it a go and then falls back into it. Again and again!

Maybe it's time to tell him you'll speak with him when he's got at least a year of clean time under his feet? Until then? He's blocked from contacting you! This scenario he's doing will continue until you take action to stop it!

A lot of ppl using will talk about suicide to get away from their pain and misery! IF God forbid he does that? It's not something you can personally stop him from doing! He will only drag you down into his darkness if you continue to let him use you!

You broke up with him to get away from this dark world! If he comes knocking on your door, needing a place to crash? Are you going to let him back in? Only to start the nightmare all over again?

You have to weigh your options on which direction you want to go with your decisions! Just know as long as he's using? There's not going to be any change for the better!

By some miracle? Maybe you putting him on block will bring him to his knees and he'll get help?

Best wishes to you!

TOD

Soberwolf

I'm sorry pls remember you in this I'd block him that's what Mrs sw done I had to deeply respect that

kzaug2014

I'm w/Tod & Wolfie! I'd block him.
My hubs was addicted to heroin last yr. ( & part of this yr. ) He'd go to rehab, then relapse, repeatedly. After the last relapse, I was completely fed up with him & told him that if he screwed up 1 more time after returning home from rehab, he could find a new place to live. He got clean once & for all ( there were also other circumstances besides that ultimatum that contributed to his sobriety. )

But, I believe that if people don't suffer the consequences of their behavior, they may have a longer road to recovery. Like others have stated here, you may be helping your ex out if you decide to block him. Good luck to you.

hopepraylove

Thank you for your replies everyone. I blocked him this morning. I posted this one the other thread as an update:

"This is my own personal ******* hell. I couldn't sleep at all last night. He was calling and texting me excessively. Leaving me four minute voicemails every hour sobbing and proclaiming his love for me. I FINALLY blocked him. I remember in a meeting once someone said "when the pain of staying is worse than the pain of letting go, you'll be ready to leave." That's how I finally felt last night. I'll always pray for him.

To make things worse, I woke up this morning to a dozen text messages from my friends. At 3 am he had posted a "collage" of sorts with photos of him and I over the last two years. He wrote a 6 paragraph essay on me, the "one who got away," explaining that his "few struggles with substance abuse and his immaturity ended the relationship." To the blind eye it would seem like he was being sincere and apologetic, (and maybe he is) but to me, I just saw huge, waving red-flags saying: "MANIPULATION, MANIPULATION." It tugged at my heart strings to see the screen shots. I cried, went into work late and puffy-eyed. He concluded the novel with "I am gravely upset with myself for not being the man I promised I'd be. Instead I let a few life changing events get the better of me and fell victim." Maybe I'm being cynical, maybe I'm so numb/angry/tired that I don't REALLY feel anything at all.

How do I move forward, I thought that I was doing so well and healing, but this feels like pulling off the scabs and pouring salt on the wounds. I went to a meeting last night and cried the entire time, called my sponsor and cried for another hour. I feel like I'm never going to get out of this fog. Please help. I am not wanting to play or be the victim, but I feel like this has ruined my life. I'm ******* miserable. Aside from blocking him on everything, what do I tell my friends? "Don't tell me anything he posts of says? Please block him?" I feel sick.

I know I'm codependent. Is this why it's so god awful? Am I just an idiot in general? Maybe I'm delusional. I feel foolish and kind of am hating myself for putting myself in this position to begin with. Reading the text in his facebook post made me sad. I fell in love with him for his intelligence and his charm. Reading how eloquent he was in the post and the kind things he said about me was like seeing a small glimmer of the human I love. Seeing people post things in response like "there are plenty of fish in the sea!" "You'll find another." "You deserve the best!" make me so sad too. No one responding on it knows the struggle and personal hell this has been for me. His responses talking about how he is going to "start working a program and not just 'not using'" makes me so sad too considering I know he relapsed this weekend. Any thoughts and works of encouragement are greatly appreciated. I really need the support right now."

It has taken a lot for things to come to a "head" like this. I know ultimately it will save me and hopefully it will help him too.

Austin4Wyo

Just out of curiosity, is this through mutual friends that you're seeing the "other fish in the sea" stuff?

I'll say this...asking for no contact was one of the best things my ex ever did for me. I don't think it made a bit of difference on my continued descent into a hellish, addicted existence, but at least I didn't have her as a continued crutch to stay in denial. Even the glimmer that we might have some way to "work it out" kept me thinking in the wrong spots, and wasn't healthy for her.

I recall when you first joined, and how much I was able to relate to your ex's behaviors. I maintain that he's MUCH like me, and that you doing this may not benefit him, but it certainly won't hurt him.

More importantly, it's what is right for YOU. Do NOT lose sight of that. He is continuing to make choices ruled by his addiction, and the effect it's having on your own emotional health is clearly marked. His description of "a few life events" is horsecaca, and you know it. What you choose to do with that knowledge is up to you.

I am utterly impressed with your resolve, your courage, and your empathy through the ordeal that you've described over the last few months. Now that I've started entering into relationships with others affected by addiction, I'm acutely aware of just how many people do NOT deal with addictive behaviors from significant others as well as you have. Many choose to stay in their own sickness far longer than you have, and your choices are to be applauded. Don't let him, or anyone else, take away the good things in your own life (including a sense of discretion regarding your own situation) because they don't know the whole story.

"Don't judge your chapter by someone else's book."

hopepraylove

Hi Austin,

Yes, my friends sent me "screen shots" of his facebook and the comments. I think they were just kind of blind sided themselves since I haven't necessarily kept them in the loop with everything.

Thank you for the kind words, they go far. Especially right now...I'm having a really difficult time. His last message to me wasn't kind and I hate leaving things on a "note" like that. A huge part of me wants to send a "closure/kind" message so at least I have a clear conscience. This is definitely not a situation I would wish on anyone. I want to be as compassionate and empathetic as possible, while prioritizing what is best and healthiest for me.

kzaug2014

You are not an idiot, Hope.You should be easier on yourself. Your making the right decision. Maybe you could ask your friends to please not send anymore pics because you have decided to move on & would like to do so as peacefully as possible. Also, don't look up what he's up to on social media. The longer you don't see him, the faster you will heal.

You said you hated ending it on the note you did. I hate to tell you this, but there's no good or right note when it comes to ending things w/a drug addict. As much as you're wanting closure, it may never come in the way you're wanting it. Maybe you could find closure by reading self love books. Moving in a positive, forward direction is hard to do unless we can properly love ourselves ( I'm just learning this myself. )

(( Hugs ))

Tiredofdrugs

Hi HPL!

Love is wonderful when we first meet someone! If the relationship ends up not making it? It hurts! No matter the reason for the breakup! Your XBF is in love with his drugs right now! Plain and simple! I loved the opiates when I was using them. I fell out of love with my husband!

Sure it was nice having him around so I wasn't alone! He also did things I wasn't able to! Now that I'm over a year clean? I see a lot of that as myself using him! Your XBF is using you so he doesn't have to be alone! Doesn't mean he's going to stop the drugs either! He'll try sneaking around to use his drugs and will promise you he isn't using! I did it and there are many others on here and still out there doing it too! As long as he has you working and providing a nice warm home with meals? He'll do everything he can to keep you in his life! He's still under the belief YOU are going to take him back!

Now that you've blocked him he's using y'all's friends to get to you! Sounds like he's doing a pretty good job of it too! He's hoping there's still a little bit of love left in yourself to keep him around!

A friend told me years ago: "When you get your gut full of it? You'll get out!" You've already broke up with him so make the hard decision to stay out! Let your friends know exactly what's going on so they too won't be duped into his games! We addicts can be very conniving! I'm very happy my addict days are way behind me!

Yeah there are many men out there to find later down the road! Right now you need to get yourself back to where you are comfortable in your own skin! As the saying goes: "You don't want to bring old baggage into a new relationship!"

When I left my 3rdXH? I left with a lot of my Silkie chickens in a cage in the back of a truck! We were driving down the freeway and it looked like someone opened a feather pillow back there! LOL I had told my XH when he saw the Silkies loaded in a truck and headed down the road? Then I was gone for good! I had sold off a lot of my feathered friends and kept the Silkies! He knew I loved them and wouldn't leave them behind! I'm telling you this because it's what you have to do to! Take your belongings and do something different with them! Rearrange your furniture! Get new curtains! Get new rugs! Change things up! Get rid of the old and bring in the new!

Wishing you the best!

TOD

Soberwolf

Your not an idiot

Austin4Wyo

I don't think it gets plainer than this. Keep up the good work.

Sent from my LG Transpyre VS810PP using Sober Recovery

Bluehawaii

We are raised to be kind and loving and helpful to people in need no wonder we never want to give up on those we love or are troubled !
We should be raised instead to be kind and loving to ourselves and want only the best for ourselves!! Boundaries should be taught early on....note to self...
I was always a sucker for the hurting .... Run girl run!! Settle only for the best!
Keep saying it!!

CobraCommander

if he really wants you as a friend he would be more considerate on how hes treating you. he obviously does not care about how hes affecting you if hes blowing up your voicemail and everything like that. i would be totally ashmed to do that to a girl. heck i was in love with a girl and met her out of state and she gave me the cold shoulder and even though i was drop dead in love with the chick i saw its better to leave it go so she can be happy instead of begging her to see me again like im some psycho. the dude prob does need friends but its prob because he scared them all off. you gotta tell him chill out on what hes doing and that if he doesnt you will be forced to completely block him out of your life. say your only giving him one chance. if he blows it then there is nothing more to do but completely get rid of him. or say if you wanna be my friend then get sober for me. you only have one life you cant let someone else destroy it. ive gone as far as blocking my father out of my life we use to be best friends and now i put limits on what he says to me and how much we talk because he triggered part of my meltdown last year with the stress he caused me. i really dont think the dude is gonna kill himself, most people dont tell anyone because they dont want anyone to stop them. people who say they wanna kill themself dont wanna die they just want someone to care. but in this situation its his own fault nobody cares. and even if he by some chance does kill himself its not your fault. ive been a overcaring softy my entire life, i give people one chance now, one chance to borrow money (if even once), one time for a ride somewhere, etc. when they ask a second time i know they have no shame and they failed my friend test and i know what type of person they are and i dont become close to them. if it was me id get a block on their number, delete them from fb and anything else. friends and ex's to me are like pennies i just toss them out if they arent worth more then a nickel

also when i was tapering off pills i was extremely considerate to everyone who helped me. i would message them once and wait for a response, and id be extremely kind and say sorry if im bugging you i have a question when you are free. or things like i know your at work but when u get time can i talk to you about some problems im having. i never had any issues with anyone. i had alot of support and help from the few people i told. and then i started telling more and more people and more helped with advice and etc. what im getting at is if that dude wants help hes going about it the wrong way

CobraCommander

also note that although drugs can make someone extremely happy, they can also make them extremely bi polar and mad. i use to get a rage temper sometimes where i was just pissed at everyone. i knew it and i constantly would tell people if i act that way to ignore anything i say and to not take it personal. i would get drowsy and not wanna sleep and get cranky. the dude prob cant control his feelings, emotions, anger, sadness, everything. everything he feels on drugs isnt even under his control anymore its like just some sort of split personality you mutate into. i dont even consider any of my accomplishments i did while i was on pills to be accomplishments anymore. i see them as i cheated by enhancing my motivation and concentration when i was on pills so now i just say that part of my life is over and im a simple plain person now. anyways your not gonna get through to him no matter what you do.

NOWisNOW

...we are use emotional blackmail to get our way
wear'em down with remembrances of what it used to be like
promises of reformation
feign acceptence you've moved on
you're most likely a resource that needs to be tapped because others have had their fill
sorry there's the desire within you for recapturing the phantom of lost love holds your heart
he'll just break it again given the opportunity
it's just part of the cycle
you know it

teatreeoil007

HPL:

I am sorry for what you've gone through and are still going through. I don't know if I have the right answers for you, but I can offer support and encouragement.

One thing I heard years ago in an addiction workshop was that the true hardcore addict is MARRIED to their addiction.

I never forgot that and I feel it is a good description.

So, that is what family, friends, and lovers are up against. For the lover, it's like he is/was having an affair with his drug of choice. It is very sad what the "end-game" can come to....scary too. They want to spend a lot of their time on their DOC...they may spend a lot of money on their DOC...and they spend less and less time with the people that are in their lives.

When my sister was on heroin, the first clue was that she just wasn't around as much. I am happy to say she has been clean for over ten years now, is a good wife and mother.

Bless You!

NOWisNOW

eek sorry my post was so heartless and jaded...

teatreeoil007

If you are wondering what to do or how to 'handle' someone who has already proven to be difficult, you can always bring some perspective into the mix if you think of it in terms of: "What would I advise a dearly beloved daughter, sister, or girlfriend on this matter?"

It seems like many situations boil down to a SAFETY ISSUE. Matters of the heart can be complex and there are grays areas. Matter of mind can be complex and gray. Thinking of it in terms of personal safety makes it more black and white and while it's true we do not live in a black and white world, it's nice to have a little black and white at times when we don't know what to decide...And from what you've described in this thread here of your ex BF, there is a safety issue...

hopepraylove

Thank you everyone.

teatreeoil007

I don't think you were being heartless or jaded; I think you were being honest.