switching teams

[AddictionAddict]

A brief history.

At 13 my stepfather gave me my first joint.
At 15 I started drinking hard liquor.
At 16 I stated taking speed and mescaline.
At 23 my son was born and I quit everything.
At 32 I started doing cocaine and percocets.
Now at 38, I keep going back and forth from one to the other. I spend a time on perks, then stop and start using coke, then drinking, then back to perks.

I have a lot of stress and problems in my life. I won't go into the long boring details but my wife is physically disabled and in constant bad health. My son has a myriad of neurological disorders. We have a 7 year old she is fine, a handful, but fine. I keep quitting things for my kids, but I always switch to something else. I don't do 12 step programs, I tried twice and it just is not for me. To new agey. No offense intended to any 12 steppers.

I just went 4 months clean, first time in so very long, then someone I know gave me some stuff for free. I don't even remember now if it was coke or pills, but it got them both going. I even started going to church again before I fell off the wagon. Now I am strugling to control myself, poorly.

I know I use it all as both an escape and as an inspirational tool as I write poetry, songs, draw, paint and more. The opiates make the urge to create overwhelming. The coke keeps me going for as long as I have it. So my addiction is two-fold.

I'm not sure what my point is here, but I wanted to vent. I have always been able to get myself off things in the past. You name it I probably did it, and probably got hooked on it, but was always able to stop. I even quit smoking for 12 years (that started again with the drugs).

I know I will always be an addict. I know I need to avoid the people who lead/push/do drugs. I know I need to focus on other things in my life, but most times I don't want to think about my life. I guess even though I consider myself a fairly strong willed person, I am really very weak emotionally. Plus, another character flaw I am aware of, is I am pig-headed and hate when people give me old cliche's or anecdotes and what not. I know this is a flaw. Doesn't mean I can control though unfortunately.

Generally if I don't feel that someone has been as far gone as me and come back, I don't really hold their advice in much regard. I know every person is different, but I tend to listen better to someone who is worst than I am or at least similar. That's not to say I have more respect, I just feel like they know more where I am at or coming from.

I tried taking advice and telling friends, now most of them don't bother with me, or treat me very differently, like I am a criminal or something. Family members I told are doing the same thing. Having someone available to talk to doesn't seem to work either, because when I decide to do anything or if the opportunity arises, the last thing I want to do is admit I am being weak again.

Foolish pride, stubborness, conceit, stress and poor social skills are my enemies. I am my own worst enemy. My creative side betrays me to my weaknesses.

I am feeling pretty hopeless all in all, and admitting/realizing that I don't know what to do to help myself.

Mark
:saywhat?:

[Gooch]

Wow ...

I don't know what to offer you as most of my experience comes from the practice of those dumbass cliches and new agey 12 step programs.

I might spin the verbage a little trying to fool myself into thinking I'm unique but in reality it's the stuff behind those programs that has given me a decade of not getting sucked back into the spin cycle.

Just by making the admissions you have you are doing the stepwork. Looking for some support and reaching out is the foundation. Sharing your personal struggle is service work.

My buddy used to say it doens't matter how many box cars hit you after the engine. If you don't light up, snort, drink, sniff, inject or ingest the first hit, you never have to worry about chasing the next one. He's been clean about 14 years now same as me. We hung out a lot and argued about the nature of addiction and the addict, what we should call ourself, how to best get the message down the line to the next guy, etc. There were a few years there we used to keep a close eye on each other because we were both more concerned we were gonna kill someone or throw a rope over the barn beam before we got high again.

Today both of us are getting along ok. We were about as hopless as they came, so I gues I'm just trying to tell you that theres hope. Addicts, even stubborn, pig headed addicts like him and I can get and stay clean. That means you can do it too.

[AddictionAddict]

I appreciate you not flaming me for my bad choice of words about what works for you. I am a fairly blunt person and truth be told I hate myself so much of the time, it is hard to be tactful. I do appreciate your response though. I wish I was of the mentality to be able to follow a system like yours. I guess what I was really trying to say, or should have said is, the program is great for those it works for, but I am definately not one of them. Thank you for your response.

[Gooch]

oh no offense taken.... God bless you for being blunt.

I was under the impression that the program wasn't for me for a long while. THen one day while I was sitting in a jail cell, I was thinking about this guy from a meeting who was one of those "spiritual gurus" and how pissed I was at the charade he was putting on in the rooms. THen I had what they call a spiritual awakening and thought.."well not for nuttin he is still clean...and ya know he's not sittin in jail either" maybe I'll give that 12 step bs another try.. maybe I missed something the first, 2nd, and 3rd time around."

Hate to sound like one of those (god forbid) hardcores but it did work for me and if it was as simple as pushing a button and you never having that crummy feeling again... I'd damn sure push it for ya.

Don't give up man.. just quit fighting and trying to outsmart the damn thing.

your post really hit something in me.. I'd like it very much for you to find the path that lets you walk in some peace.

[Alice Wonder]

hi ((((addictionaddict)))) there are all kinds of alternatives to AA/NA and different ways to get and remain sober. I support people to meetings in my area but have my own particular way of sobriety. someone will hopefully provide the links to some alternatives for you, as i don't know how to! this is a great place to start your journey and you will find love and support here. keep posting you will find your happiness. love-alice

[servicejunkie]

additionaddict, welcome to soberrecovery. I'm glad you are here and reading your story definately reminded me of how I used to be. NA definately doesn't have a monopoly on recovery. I know of a program called S.M.A.R.T. recovery that is a self will/ego based program (if it is a god thing). I also know of MANY athiests and agnostics with very long periods of abstinance in NA. The main thing is that its hard to spot self deception by yourself, try to find some other people who understand you and who can help you. I hope you find a way out of your familiar dilema, and just wanted to let you know that there is hope for you.

[WeDoRecover]

I know that as long as I kept putting conditions on *how* I stayed clean, what program I used, who I took advice from, I used again and again. There are lots of different paths but the one that I found to be most effective, for me, was the 12 step one when I chose to shut up and listen. I had to have my a** kicked for me to be willing to do something different and admit that I didn't know how to not use. Countless programs, years and keytags later, I surrendered. Regardless of the path you choose, you have to have the openmindedness and willingness to listen to other's experience and then put the action behind it.

Good luck to you. I feel your pain.

[AddictionAddict]

I am withdrawing already. Not from the coke last night but 2 days without perks. I just woke up after 13 hours. I can't stay out of the bathroom, sitting here telling myself I am not ever going to let myself go through this again. I know in the past what usually finally got me off something, is getting pissed off at myself. Telling myself that I am one of those people who never lets anyone tell me what to do, so why the *^%# am I letting some inantimate object control my life. It's where I am at right now. Mad as hell at myself for being so weak. I am fighting it. I'm writing this damned message and sitting here thinking about calling someone to see what they have. I think at least admitting it in a message even will help me not do it. I would like to thank everyone for their words of encouragement though, I have to admit I think it has helped somewhat. Otherwise I would be sitting here truly alone and talk myself into using. Thanks all.

Mark
mark01970_1999@yahoo.com if you want to e-mail me. I'll take advice, suggestions, death threats heheheh.

[Alice Wonder]

Mark i think a lot of people reading and posting can relate to where you are. try not to fight too hard about being a weak human being- we all are weak human beings and we are all strong human beings- where we happen to be weak or strong depends on a lot of different things. use your fight to fight hard for your happiness. this is the only fight worth fighting.... champ.
hugs-alice