sick, sick, sick

[skunkape138]

Im doing a lot of soul searching and something that baffles me, but also keeps me in check with my addiction is how f*&(ing strong it is. How could i misss and crave the old lifestyle with all its insanity and destruction? I am so grateful for my life today and how i can spend quality time with my son and wife and all i have to do is some prayer, a meeting EVERY night and some work on the steps and myself. Before i had to chase all day and night never resting, i mean i can sit still now, and for some of us thats a big deal. Theres something about the chaos that creates a buzz that us addicts like. I also am coming to realize my need to be different. I liked the secret i had. I've always strived to be different and herion/drug abuse did that. I liked duckiing into a bathroom and coming out feeling like superman i mean what is wrong with me or is it just that im coming up on 60 days tommorow and my addiction is trying to bring me down?

[Sandy Marie]

Skunkape,
You're doing so great! Drugs are a temporary fix and you know that since you're coming up on 60 days. You must feel like Superman getting this far. Stay in the positive and keep up the good work. Your family needs you with all brain cells working at full potential. I think you've done a fabulous job of staying clean and are an inspiration to all of us. Have a wonderful day and stay clean.
Prayers, Sandy

Here's an early hurrah for 60 days!

[bikewench]

i mean i can sit still now

Hey guy....

I agree... that's a huge relief...

So... 60 days tommorrow. Blessings on you... and your clean time.

I know today.. that I have to acknowledge the voices in my head that try to talk me into using... just one more time.... but I don't have to listen to them anymore than I would listen to someone telling me to dart past a semi tearing down the highway...

That voice in my head is not the voice of reason... it's the voice of addiction... dependancy and ongoing... relentless... need.

I shrug off the voice... and choose life. I would love you to join me... ;o)

[51anna]

Hi Skunk,

I'm Anna, recovering alcoholic. I was dismayed to find that I craved the chaos in my life almost as much as the alcohol. I loved the excitement, even though it was usually negative. It would get my adrenaline flowing and I was 'high'. It's so pathetic when I look back on it, yet I still find myself drawn into such situations from time to time. I'll seize on something that will take me for a ride. But, now I've learned to be happy with the peace and contentment of ordinary life.

It's an interesting journey, but you can learn to live without the chaos and to be happy. Hang in there.

Love, Anna

[dotcom]

hello,

i dont have much experience with h, but i can so relate to being able to not sit still. i would shake and twitch and it was really embarressing. like as if i had just been struck with lightning and was trying to act like it never happened. good news is that after a long time of cleanness i can sit with only minor twitching! sometimes i will be walking and my foot will trip me up or i will be sitting and my head will jolt and i feel real embarressed but i can definately see the improvement from shaking like a leaf and twitching like a dead bug to only noticing a few minor twitchings. in fact, i would dread sitting down because it was so obvious that i had **** pumping through my veins and i just could not control myself. now, i sometimes take it for granted. most of the time however i find a lot of happiness just because i can do those simple things like be still or have a somewhat normal conversation without stuttering or making no sense.

the chaos is very attractive. it was a lifestyle and then one day we decided to make some lifestyle changes, but they were not just small changes, we changed the focus of our life. and then every day we try to push that lifestyle further and further away, but unfortunately it is not that simple! i dont think about the old life as much as i did a few months ago. over the past 19 months ive found new interests and my focus has shifted to positive things. i even made some friends and its like i have a whole new life! in time you will find that that chaos slips off into the distance without you even knowing it. and you will find other chaos inducing activities like working lots of hours, shopping for christmas presents, preparing for holidays, hobbies, and whatever else floats your boat. mind you, i did get arrested after 18 months of clean time because some of the old behaviors dont go away as fast as id like. it was not drug related. the good news is, this time around i am positive i will finish my probation and i will get something out of the classes and the therapy im ordered to.

congrats on your almost 60 days and KEEP ROCKING! whatever helps you stay clean, do it. and dont forget that no matter what we do we cannot prevent change. we can either change for the better or change for the worse. and i dont know about you, but the clock is ticking for me and i dont want to waste anymore of my life!

hugs,

dot

[wishIsedNO]

Nothings wrong with you..You just an addict...Like me...When i read your thread i was like whoa did i write that...Because it sounded so much like how i feel....I too like the secret that no one knew or at least i thought no one knew...I loved the feeling of when i would just cop...and i be rushing to the bathroom or hallway...with the bags in my hand or up my you know what if it was "hot" out..and then afterwards that nice warm feeling going up my spine and how it seemed it took away pain and everything else..But aint it funny we remember how great it felt and how we miss it..But we dont focus enough on when we were active all we wished for this nitemare to disappear...So many times ive sed to myself..Why cant i go back in time..Why cant i say No...and kept o with my life...I be soooooo much better off if i never knew of that high...But i didnt I sed yea...and i liked it and i went through 6 years of hell..And now im on methadone..Which in a way is sorta like another control.."Liquid Handcuffs" as they say...But if it wasnt for methadone i wouldnt have 10 months clean time now..And i rather be drinking the pink juice once a day and be able to live a normal life then be roaming Bushwick for dope..And hopefully one day we will have 10 yrs clean...and finally not be looking at dope with a longing feeling everytime we dont feel comfortable or something goes wrong..
Oh how selfish i was......CONGRATS ON YOUR 3 MONTHS CLEAN!!!!!!
its a BIG milestone in your recovery...3 months wow..I know you must of felt damn remember when you thought 1 day was like as long as a year..keep on with whatevers helping you stay clean...feel free to PM me if you need someone to lisiten or to talk too..Jackie