venuscat

I think many of us can relate to the way you feel love.
That sense that I am fundamentally damaged, and there is no hope.
I know I felt that way.

I appreciate that you may not be feeling like seeing a new doctor right now, but I think it could help you love. Or perhaps you can talk to a counsellor over the phone?

Try and eat, and if you can, try and go to bed at a normalish hour...if we get our bodies back into a healthier rhythm it can help our emotional and mental state.

We are all on your side Lyoness. ♥

Lyoness

I also meant to say thank you, especially, for the prayers and support and positive vibes for court tomorrow. I will take them with me to help bolster myself in that strange and scary place. It helps so much to know and remind myself that you all are with me, even if you're thousands of miles away.

Lyoness

We were posting simultaneously, for a minute I thought I lost what was left of my mind! I know you are right about taking better care of myself. I don't do a great job of it under "normal" circumstances and of course now I am doing an even poorer job of it. It helps to see this reminder in writing, I will keep reminding myself or rereading your post.

I am seeing a new psychiatrist once a month. She has a full caseload so it's hard to see her. But I am going to call her about this new med to see if I should keep taking it. I didn't take it yesterday just to test the results and the irritability seems almost gone. It's hard to know what to do. (My housesit kitty just jumped up all purring to sit near me. She must know I'm writing to a cat lover. She's Venus' counterpart all white.)

I do have my addictions counselor who is overworked but she is going the extra miles for me, trying to help however she can, including finding a new primary care doctor. I want and need one but my legal mess is making it almost impossible.

Thank you (and everyone) for being on my side.
Writing that does not even begin to convey how much that means to me but it's a start.

Tiredofdrugs

Hello Lyoness!

As I've said before: "I have nothing to contribute to the side of things you deal with! Other than the addiction side!" However! I saw two shows today with two different ppl dealing with PTSD! One was on Hoarders and the other was on the weather channel!

On Hoarders was a man that was a Principle at a school. He had busted these kids for having MJ! The janitor found a letter in the trash can from those boys saying they were going to kill this Principle and cause another Columbine event. He gave it to the Principle. The event was supposed to happen the next day.

This Principle never went back to the school. He quit his job and feared ever leaving his house! He has two daughters and an XW that was part of the show. He also hired a Therapist to help him get the home cleared of years worth of trash and hoarding. The Therapist helped him to understand he was holding on to what happened years ago. Not what was going to happen! It's a good show to watch if you want to watch the entire episode. It's named: "You're gonna die in here" and was dated 2013.

Then I saw a show where this woman was terrified of tornado's after surviving one! It was on the weather channel! It took her a year to get over her fear. She too had a Therapist working with her!

So yes I see some of the things you talk about in those ppl! I'm really sorry you feel like you are worthless and are bothering ppl with your stories! But by reaching out for help and support you are essentially empowering yourself to be a better person!

As addicts we put ourselves in many positions where we were scared to death and embarrassed all at the same time. I remember my days and damnit I just didn't learn my lesson from the first mistake! I was in the same position many times before I woke up! Did it make me a worthless person? Hell No it didn't! Did it mark me as a trouble person to stay the hell away from? No it didn't!

You like to label yourself in many ways! STOP IT! You aren't walking around with a label hanging from around your neck! Or as Bill Engvall says: "Here's your sign!" You aren't dumb or stupid either! You write beautiful English in your posts! You're relied on to housesit too! Or to care for other's animals!

As for your court hearing and the finger printing? It's going to happen! Put your big girl panties on and get it overwith! My finger prints are in the system several times for several different reasons. And look at it this way! It's a reason to stay out of the system from now on! There have been millions finger printed! You aren't by your lonesome! You can join our club now! Yep! Been there, seen it, done it! Got the paperwork to prove it! Just a little humor there for ya!

As the stories go! Drugs lead us to jail, death or Recovery! You're still above the ground! You'll survive all this BS too! You have responsibilities at home to tend to! Don't be checking out because life seems hard! If you see a shadow? Just remember there's light somewhere!

TOD

Startingover444

I see lots of things to be thankful for there Lyoness. Your addictions counsellor, your psychiatrist, your work and the trust that others have for you (as TOD says) the cat who sits on your knee and purrs. Animals are a great judge of character. They know who is good and who is not

Thinking of you today. Check in when you can

Tiredofdrugs

Sending good thoughts your way today Lyoness!

Lyoness

Just checking in quickly before I jump in the shower and head to court. I'm shaking in my boots, so afraid. Can't help it. I hate men in positions if power having say over my life. Its hard to stay in present time while feeling this and facing these fears. It makes me want to run and hide. I'm not brave like you say, I'm terrified. I'm only going to prevent the worse reality of a warrant for not showing up.

Please keep sending me your positive thoughts and energy. I need them desperately! Thank you!

Tiredofdrugs

Think positive! There are female judges too! All judges are aware of the struggle ppl have with their addictions too! You forged a script! You didn't rob a pharmacy with a gun! Your not a criminal! You have a disease!

It's okay to be scared! I was too! It's not a man in charge of your life either! You disobeyed the law! You are answering for that! You're not going to the basement to be beat!

You've got a lot of good ppl on your side thru this! So keep remembering that!

TOD

Startingover444

Check in soon Lyoness we are all rooting for you.

Soberwolf

Hi Lyoness XO

Lyoness

Thank you all again for your support. I did go to the status hearing yesterday and it was a female judge (you were psychic TOD). My neighbor came with me so I wasn't completely alone for which I am very grateful. Just being in the court at all terrifies me. This whole mess terrifies me.

I did talk to my lawyer afterward which I needed to do. He had explained my options before but I was so nervous and overwhelmed that I couldn't really remember or make sense of them. So now I'm clearer and have to choose what I want to do. It does sound like it will be expensive no matter what so I hope they do payment plans because my income is miniscule. (I just found out how much my utilities at my new place will likely be and it's huge so my tiny income is going to be stretched even further.)

He also talked about protecting my former doctor again, since the police were trying to incriminate her. I appreciate that but after a point I felt like he was more concerned about her than me. Well, she's okay and I'm not so I need him to put all that concern into ME!

Anyway, my next hearing is in December and that will either be to ask for another extension or to make decisions, not totally sure. I do have to decide what option I want. He said my case is much more complex than any of his others, that with my mental health issues and addiction and laws concerning this and and and it is very complex. I don't want complex, I just want this OVER WITH.

So I came home profoundly upset. I can't help it. This whole thing is tearing me to shreds. I cried for a long time, felt my suicidal urges creep up, and just felt miserable. You all say I am strong, but I am not. I am weak and terrified and feel totally incapable. I feel that I cannot face this or life at all. I just feel beat down and wish I could just dissolve. I hate this. I hate all of this. I hate my whole stinking life in all honesty. I know you don't want to hear that but I'm just so tired of always being depressed, f***** up, never right, never sane, not even knowing what feeling right and sane are.

I'm having a tough time and I just honestly don't feel able to deal with it.

Coldfusion

Lyoness, just know that you are not alone. We all have felt the pain of wounds that only time can heal.

Thank you for sharing!

Lyoness

Thank you ColdFusion. It helps to read and reread that.

I think that is my biggest thing, I just feel so alone in my life. So fundamentally, coldly alone. I try to remember everyone here, I reread people's posts to remind me that I am not totally alone. But then I go back to my empty life and those feelings just corrode me, eat me from the inside out.

I'm sorry, I'm having a tough day....

Lyoness

Now that I have some time I wanted to say thank you for this post. I appreciate what you said and am rereading it. Those people you described, that is PTSD. Fear that just immobilizes you. I experience not as living in the past but the past living in me in the present. And taking over my present. And I still haven't figured out how to change that. That's why I try to read about trauma and neuroscience and if there are ways to change this. The fear is so all-encompassing that I think it steps in and makes change harder or feel impossible, too. That's when the paralysis really sets in.

It helps to read that you didn't learn from the first mistake. That is true for all of us addicts. I shouldn't have done what I did but I was too suicidal to see past that. I didn't think anything like this could or would happen. Because I had gotten away with this before, during active addiction. Nothing happened. And since this time I figured I wouldn't be around anymore anyway, I did it. And now I'm faced with everything I fear.

I also made an appt. to get my fingerprints done. You have to make an appt. because the jail is so understaffed and underfunded. And it's on the weekends which seems weird to me. But whatever. So I made my appt. I'm going to ask my neighbor to go with me. Going into the heart of the jail, even if I'm not going to be staying there, is another exercise in terror and being triggered.

I like what you said about light and shadow. The thing is I feel like a shadow. And can't find any light anywhere. Maybe someday I will. But I will at least try to remember what you said. Thanks.

Lyoness

A little bit of light, like TOD said--

Right now it's snowing, not gonna stick but it's falling thick and catching the sunlight, it's so very beautiful with hills full of evergreens behind it. A brave hummingbird just sipped at the feeder and the sun is trying to break through the clouds.

I guess I can still see and feel some beauty.

venuscat

I'm so glad you got through the hearing Lyoness.
And I would think they do have payment plans available; it's a good thing to find out.
Right now, please try to do something nice for yourself...have a bath, put on some soft music, or make a cup of herbal tea...and take some deep breaths and remember you are not alone.

Lyoness

Thank you.

I'm making a cup of cocoa and reminding myself to breathe deeper. I do tend to breathe in that stressed out, shallow way all the time, with my abdomen pulled tight. So trying to let it go a little.

Dee74

still reading and wishing you well Lyoness

D

Lyoness

Thank you Dee. That means a lot.

Lyoness

I just talked to my counselor who has been going the extra mile to help me. She has been trying to help me get a doctor and I just got two more rejections. That hit really hard. Makes me feel like garbage. No one is going to risk taking me and my old doctor is taking a risk by helping me with the methadone. She can only do that once more then I'm back to the suboxone plan.

I really feel like sh**. I know what I did was wrong but I honestly don't believe I deserve all that is happening to me. I mean, the pain I was in to do this feels like punishment enough. And now I'm losing everything. Everything. I give up. I wish I hadn't failed in what I tried to do. I just can't take everything going wrong, losing everything, my whole life a piece of sh**.

There's more than this but that's enough to write. I don't understand how I can be, how everything can be wrong. How I can be expected to pay with my life for just being born. Because that's how it's felt every single day of my life. God, I hate this......